A Journey From Darkness To The Light: Claiming Our Path to Adoptee Healing
For years, I felt trapped in a cycle of pain and frustration until I accepted that I had to take even just one percent responsibility for my healing that things began to change.
As adoptees, the journey to healing and finding inner happiness can often feel overwhelming and elusive. However, it's crucial to realize that the first step towards healing is accepting that we are in charge of our own healing journey. This realization can be both empowering and daunting, but it is the key to unlocking our path to wholeness.
The Power of Responsibility
One pivotal moment in my journey was recognizing that I needed to take back my power by being responsible for myself, including my own healing. For years, I felt trapped in a cycle of pain and frustration, lacking effective tools, but it wasn't until I accepted that I had to take even just one percent responsibility for my healing that things began to change. This small yet significant shift allowed me to start seeking the right tools and resources to support my journey.
The Pursuit of Healing
If you had the right tools, would you set out in pursuit of inner happiness and wholeness? What is stopping you? For many, the barriers can be daunting—fear, doubt, and the overwhelming nature of the adoptee journey itself. But remember, the pursuit of healing is a deeply personal journey, and what works for one person may not work for another. It's important to persist, to keep searching, and to remain open to new possibilities.
There were countless times when I felt like I was beating my head against a wall, trying methods and tools that didn't work for me. But through persistence and a commitment to following the light, I eventually found what did work. This process of trial and error is part of the journey, and it requires patience and determination. I set out on a lifelong journey to take back everything adoption has taken from me, relentlessly.
Fighting for Our Right to Heal
We are all as unique as our fingerprints, with diverse stories and experiences. This uniqueness means that our healing journeys will also be unique. The world may often overlook the deep grief, loss, and abandonment that many adoptees feel, focusing instead on the narrative of adoption as an always positive situation. But our reality is more complex, and acknowledging that complexity is essential for our healing.
If existing tools and resources don't address our needs as adoptees, we have the power to create them. And if we don't have the capacity to create them ourselves, we can ask others who do. This collective effort can fill the gaps in support and resources that many adoptees experience.
Choosing Healing Over Suffering
I ask you, what is stopping you from pursuing healing? If there is something holding you back, identify it, confront it, and then decide—will you choose healing over suffering? This choice is deeply personal and must be made by each individual. Once you make the choice to heal, believe that you will find the tools and resources you need.
The journey may be long and challenging, but the pursuit of inner happiness and wholeness is worth it. We must accept that we are in charge of our own healing, and with that acceptance comes the power to transform our lives. We owe it to ourselves to seek out the light, to persist through the darkness, and to embrace the unique paths that lead us to wholeness.
In understanding and empathy, let us support one another on this journey, recognizing that while our stories and paths may differ, our shared pursuit of healing unites us. The road to inner acceptance and happiness begins with responsibility for our healing. Let's embark on this journey together with hope, persistence, and the belief that we can find the tools we need to heal.
A Personal Reflection: From Anger to Acceptance
For most of my life, I was a stuck adoptee. Anger and rage brewed beneath the surface, causing many problems. I felt trapped in my pain, unable to see a way out. But deep down, I wanted better for myself. I wanted to feel the happiness everyone else talked about but that I had never experienced for myself. I wanted my kids to have a happier and healthier mom than what I had. I tried to work through all my heartache, grief, and loss so I could see the light for once.
When I finally decided that I deserved better, I knew it was up to me to make the change. I had to take that one percent responsibility to want to heal and feel better. Once I accepted that this was part of my journey, it was up to me to do all the work and find the right tools.
Following the Light
Once the light showed up, I chose to follow it. But the healing journey meant going through the feelings of grief, loss, and trauma. Sometimes, I felt like I was beating my head against a wall because certain things didn't work for me while others did. But I kept pursuing and persisting, determined to find the right healing tools for me.
Substances masked my healing for over 27 years. I used them to numb my pain and avoid facing my feelings. But one day, I chose to live a life free of substances so I could truly feel my feelings and heal my heart. It wasn't easy, but it was necessary.
Accepting the Cards We Were Dealt
One of the most pivotal moves in my healing journey was accepting that these were the cards I was dealt. This acceptance opened the door to the reality of the present moment: "What am I going to do about it?" I realized I had all the power within myself to change the trajectory of my life. I didn't have control over my beginnings, but I do have control over what I do with this pain. And I chose to accept that there wasn't a damn thing I could do about being adopted, but what I can do is TRY like hell to heal from this experience, rally for truth in transparency in adoptions, and share the harms of adoption to help others understand how painful it is no matter how you slice it.
Many adoptees, including myself, had no control or say over this major decision that has impacted every area of our lives. Why should we have to work so hard toward healing? Well, we are the only ones who can do it! We must fight for our right to follow the light because the world has left us for dead. If we seek out healing tools and modalities that are not available for adoptees, we should create them. And if we can't develop them, we can ask someone who does.
Things That Helped Me Heal
Connection to Mother Nature: Finding solace and healing in the natural world, particularly through activities like hiking, waterfall chasing, and forest bathing. Learning about Forest Bathing, Nature Plan, Misogi, and Blue Mind to help me heal.
Connecting with Fellow Adoptees: Building relationships with other adoptees who share similar experiences, offering mutual support and understanding.
Seeking Therapy from an Adoptee-Competent Therapist: Finding a therapist who understands the unique challenges faced by adoptees.
Sharing My Story: Opening up about my adoption journey and experiences with others, helping to process and heal.
Gratitude: Having an attitude of gratitude, not about adoption, but about the strength and wisdom I have found within myself, once I began to learn to like and love myself.
Writing About My Feelings: Using writing as an outlet to express and work through my emotions.
Sharing My Feelings with Others: Engaging in honest conversations about my feelings which helped me feel less isolated.
Boundaries: Become an expert on boundaries and learn how to set them with people, places, and things.
Remove Toxicity: Leave all people, places, and things that are toxic to my life. Distancing myself from pieces of my past that no longer align with who I am today.
Accepting These Were the Cards I Was Dealt: Embracing my reality and focusing on what I can control.
Transparency: Fighting like hell to find my truth and being honest about the harms of adoption.
Being True To Me: Being true to myself is very important to me. It's also essential that I follow my own light and make my own path, even when it doesn't make sense to anyone but me. I will no longer sacrifice myself for anyone, any belief system, or anything outside of myself.
Taking Responsibility for My Own Healing: Acknowledging that I have the power to change my life and heal from my experiences.
Creating What Wasn't Available: Developing resources and tools that I needed but couldn't find, benefiting myself and others.
Finding a Healthy Balance Between Life and Trauma Work: Ensuring that my healing journey didn't overwhelm other aspects of my life.
Internal Family Systems (IFS): A therapy approach that helps understand and heal the different parts of oneself.
ART Therapy (Accelerated Resolution Therapy): A form of therapy that helps process trauma and other mental health issues through eye movements and visualization.
Listening to Adoptee-Centric Podcasts: Gaining insights and support from podcasts that focus on the adoptee experience.
Creating Adoptee-Centric Resources: Developing materials and platforms specifically for adoptees to share and connect.
Building Relationships with Adoptees: Strengthening bonds with others who understand the unique challenges of being adopted.
Taking the Pain and Finding Purpose: Channeling my experiences into purposeful actions and advocacy for adoptees.
Inner Child Work: Reconnecting with and healing my inner child to address deep-seated wounds from my past.
EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): A therapy method that uses guided eye movements to help process and integrate traumatic memories.
Writing a Memoir: Documenting my life story as a means of self-expression and understanding.
Creating a True-to-Life Greeting Card Line: Designing greeting cards that reflect the real experiences and emotions of adoptees.
Learning About My Triggers: Identifying, dissecting, and finding tools to manage and cope with my triggers.
Accepting Adoptee Pain as a Part of My Journey: Recognizing that pain is part of the adoptee experience and becoming an expert in managing this grief.
Accepting Non-Adoptees' Limitations: Understanding that non-adoptees may never fully grasp my experiences and extending them grace when applicable.
Finding Answers Within Myself: Trusting my inner wisdom and intuition for guidance and healing.
Gaining Self-Love: Developing a deep appreciation and love for myself, independent of my adoption story.
Acknowledging Adoption is Only A Part of Me: It's not all of me. I have a whole life outside of being adopted, and I always try to remind myself of this.
Recovery Communities: Diving in, but also knowing when I feel like I have recovered, which goes against the very core of recovery communities.
Missing Pieces: Accepting that I will always feel like I have some missing pieces has been a key for me. There is nothing in this lifetime that I can do to fill this hole or void. It is a part of me due to all that is lost from separation trauma and adoption trauma.
Discovering My True Essence: Getting to know who I am beyond the trauma of adoption and relinquishment, going back to tap into the essence of who I really am before life's hurts took over.
Things I Tried That Didn't Work
Substances: Using drugs and alcohol to numb my pain only masked my feelings and delayed my healing.
Ignoring My Feelings: Suppressing or denying my emotions prevented me from addressing the root causes of my pain.
Relying Solely on Non-Adoptee Therapists: Working with therapists who lacked an understanding of the adoptee experience was less effective.
Isolating Myself: Trying to heal alone without the support of others made the journey more difficult.
Avoiding Trauma Work: Neglecting to address my trauma left me stuck in old patterns and unable to move forward.
Trying to Fit Into Society's Narrative of Adoption: Attempting to conform to the idea that adoption is always a win-win situation invalidated my feelings and experiences.
Expecting Instant Results: Hoping for quick fixes rather than understanding that healing is a gradual and ongoing process. For most of us, it's a lifelong journey.
Running A Rat Race of Trying To Be Healed: Instead of learning to accept the pain was here to stay, and healthy ways to process it instead of avoiding it, which will only prolong my healing.
Overcommitting to Trauma Work: Focusing exclusively on trauma without balancing other aspects of life led to burnout.
Blaming Others Without Self-Reflection: Focusing solely on external factors without taking responsibility for my own actions and reactions hindered my progress.
Neglecting Self-Care: Failing to prioritize self-care and well-being made healing more challenging.
Spiritual Bypassing: Using spirituality to avoid facing my pain and truth only delayed genuine healing.
Avoidance of the Truth: Refusing to confront the realities of my adoption experience kept me stuck.
Putting My Healing in the Hands of Someone Else: Relying on others to fix me instead of taking an active role in my own healing journey.
Letting the Beginning of My Life Control the Narrative of the Rest of My Life: Allowing my adoption story to define my entire life's narrative limited my potential for growth and healing.
Victim Mentality and Being Stuck: Staying in a mindset of victimhood without seeking ways to move forward prevented progress.
Allowing Myself to Be in Unsafe Adoptee Spaces Too Long: Remaining in harmful environments that didn't support my healing hindered my progress.
Staying Busy as a Distraction: Using busyness to avoid sitting with myself and facing my emotions.
Going Outside Myself for Comfort: Seeking external validation and comfort rather than looking within.
Praying and Fasting Without Results: Relying solely on prayer and fasting without seeing significant progress in my healing by avoiding my reality.
Encouragement for Fellow Adoptees
Healing from the deep wounds of adoption required intentional work and dedication, spanning over two decades of my life. Each of these areas—connecting with nature, seeking therapy, building relationships with fellow adoptees, writing and sharing my story, and finding a balance between life and trauma work—demanded purposeful effort and a relentless pursuit of healing. Understanding my triggers, accepting my reality, and creating what I needed but couldn't find were not overnight achievements but a testament to persistent, deliberate action. It was through this sustained commitment to discovering and uncovering the right tools that I gradually transformed my pain into purpose and found a path to inner peace.
Illuminating The Intersection of Adoption, Grief & Loss for the Adoption Constellation
One of the most significant revelations of all this work over a two-decade span was accepting that I had been grieving every day of my life since I took my first breath and was separated from my natural mother. Acknowledging this grief allowed me to step into a space of action, asking myself, "What am I going to do about it?" This epiphany led me to become a certified grief recovery specialist, enabling me to navigate my lifelong process of grief and loss and extend this healing to fellow adoptees.
This journey has been transformative for me. If you are interested in learning more about Adoption: Grieve, Grow, Glo workshops, which illuminate the intersection of adoption, grief, and loss, click here. Adoption is deeply intertwined with grief and loss, and it's time we start acknowledging this. If you want to step in the right direction of your healing, consider signing up to be on the workshop waiting list. Here's the link to learn more: Adoption: Grieve, Grow, Glo Workshop Registration for all members of the adoption constellation.
Congratulations, Simon Benn! We're absolutely thrilled to celebrate your incredible achievement in completing the 7-week one-on-one grief recovery program with Adoption: Grieve, Grow, Glo! Your journey of self-discovery and healing is truly commendable. Here's to a future filled with new beginnings and brighter days, equipped with the tools to navigate any grief and loss that life may bring. To learn more about Simon, visit his website: www.thrivingadoptees.com.
The road to inner acceptance and happiness begins with responsibility for our healing. Together, we can find the tools to heal and create a brighter future for ourselves and future generations. Let's support one another on this journey.
I acknowledge that not all adoptees may feel the same way, and I don't claim to speak for every adoptee. My writings come from my personal lived experience, and I share them in the hope that they resonate with those who might feel similarly. My goal is to foster understanding and support, recognizing that every adoptee's story is distinct and valuable in its own right.
Q & A - Let’s Dive Deeper
Adoptees, do any of these areas resonate with you? Which areas have been the most impactful for your healing journey? As adoptees, we all have unique paths to healing, and sharing our experiences can provide invaluable support and insight. Reflect on which of these areas have resonated with you the most. Have you found solace in connecting with nature, or has therapy been a cornerstone of your journey? Maybe writing about your feelings or building relationships with fellow adoptees has been particularly healing. We all have so much to learn from one another, and by sharing what has worked and what hasn't, we can collectively navigate the complex landscape of adoption-related grief and loss. Your insights and experiences are valuable—let’s continue to support and inspire each other. Drop your comments below.
I'm thrilled to invite you to a special experience: a virtual Table Talk with me! Imagine a cozy, one-on-one chat where we can dive deep into all things adoption. Whether you're seeking insight, advice, or simply a heart with ears to listen, I'm here for you. Let's create a space where we can share, learn, and connect on a personal level. Grab your favorite beverage, get comfy, and join me for a conversation that promises to be enlightening, supportive, and full of heart. I can't wait to meet you and hear your story!
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. It can be found here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,Â
Pamela A. KaranovaÂ
Here are some of the writing pieces I’m the proudest of:
Adoption: Mislabeled, Medicated, & Diagnosed Adoptees Could Be Grieving Profoundly.
The Perplexity of Forced Bonding in Adoption - I share my thoughts on the bonding process in adoption.
100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption - 100 Transracial Adoptees come together to share feelings on how adoption has impacted them.
Adoptees, Why Are You So Angry? - Adoptees share feelings on why they are angry.
Why Do Adoptees Search? An Adoptee Collaboration - Many adoptees experience why they choose to search for biological families.
100 Heartfelt Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption - 100 Adoptees come together to share heartfelt feelings on how adoption has made them feel.
My Friend Has an Adopted Child, and They Don’t Have Any Issues with Being Adopted - Shining a light on the comment so many adoptees hear over and over.
Here are some of the articles I have been featured in:
These Adoptees Refuse to Be Christian Pro-Life Poster Kids by Kathryn Post of Religious News Service.
Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben.
Before a month celebrating adoption, a day to recognize adoptees’ trauma by Religion News Service.
Bringing Adult Adoptee Issues to Light by Angela Burton of Next Avenue.
Yes! How terrific that you have chosen healing. The light will feel wonderful and I am so happy for you.