Adoptee Search & Reunion, Trading Pain for Pain
Every clue we find can change the trajectory of the essence of who we are. Even under the best of reunion stories, it is still the beginning of a new painful path that adoptees experience.
Do not assume when an adoptee finds their biological family, all their problems will be solved, and the case will be closed. They say to prepare, but there is no real way to prepare for what some adoptees find when they choose to search for a biological family.
Searching for and finding a biological family as an adoptee is opening up Pandora's box repeatedly. It is the beginning of a new era of uncovering the secrets that so many think they have protected us from. Even under the best of reunion stories, it is still the beginning of a new painful path that adoptees experience.
Adoption itself is a complex and emotional experience, and reunification with birth parents is often seen as an opportunity for adoptees to gain a sense of identity, belonging, and closure. No one knows how it will go when an adoptee proceeds with reunification. Adoptees may experience various emotions, including disappointment, confusion, and a sense of loss if it goes well or fails. The failed attempt can intensify feelings of rejection and abandonment and raise questions about our self-worth and inherent value.
Adoptees may feel a deep longing for connection with their birth parents, and the failure to establish or maintain that connection can lead to feelings of complex grief and a sense of being incomplete. The impact of failed reunification can vary depending on several factors, including the age at which the attempt was made, the reasons for the failure, and the adoptee's support system.
For younger adoptees, the disappointment may be experienced differently compared to older adoptees, who may have invested more time and emotional energy into the process. Younger adoptees also don’t have the language or skills to tap into what grief even is. They could benefit from the adults (APs) in their lives helping them with the grief process, but first, they have to step out of denial that the adoptee has anything to grieve to begin with.
Failed reunification can also lead to losing trust and a reluctance to form new relationships. Adoptees may develop a fear of rejection or abandonment, making it challenging for them to fully engage in future relationships, including romantic partnerships or friendships.
This can create a pattern of self-protective behavior, where adoptees may distance themselves emotionally from others to avoid potential pain. Furthermore, a happy reunion or failed reunification can impact adoptees' sense of self-identity and understanding of their roots.
The desire to know one's genetic history, cultural heritage, and family medical history can be left unfulfilled, leaving adoptees with a lingering sense of uncertainty and feeling disconnected from their past. This lack of information can also impact their sense of belonging within their adoptive family and community.
Every clue we find can change the trajectory of the essence of who we are.
If we're fortunate, one door closes, and another door opens. And that's just it if we're fortunate. Society says, "At least you have found your truth," when so many other adoptees would die to find theirs. Society thinks we should still feel LUCKY even when the truth has been excruciatingly painful. Even our fellow adoptees suggest this at times. I understand why they feel this way, mainly when they haven't found their biological families yet.
I think our friends, families, and loved ones sense us in agony before we search and find; honestly, they hope we will feel "better" after discovering the truth. However, when they still see us in agony after we reunite, it hurts them to see us distraught. They want to take our pain away, and they have high hopes that a reunion will do that.
Truth and reality is, it usually doesn't. It brings on a new set of heartbreak, pain, grief, and loss. Searching and finding biological family, I like to describe it as trading one type of pain for another. For me, both kinds of pain are distinguishable but equally painful.
The pain of the unknown for adopted individuals is like the feelings a parent might have who has a missing child somewhere out in the world. Imagine your 10-year-old child was abducted on the street, and they vanished with no trace ever to be found. The agony that parents must feel every waking moment of every day while their child is missing. Put yourself in those parents' shoes for 60 seconds if you can.
Many adoptees feel similar to this, but it is not just one family member. It's their mother, father, grandparents on both sides, siblings on both sides and cousins on both sides. We're on an island all alone, searching in our minds from the moment we find out we are adopted for our biological connections.
Plot twist: Imagine the world celebrating the loss of this missing child like they do when they celebrate adoption. This is one of the areas where complex grief comes into play. Grief and loss in adoption is disenfranchised and complex grief, meaning that it is often not validated or recognized. This is painful from the beginning and adds many extra complexities for adoptees to navigate and process. Professional help and one-on-one grief work is recommended.
If you don't think so, how many adopted individuals have you gotten to know and listened to their stories over the years? I have gotten to know hundreds, and not one has said adoption has been 100% wonderful. It's complex, emotional, and painful at best.
Can you imagine the pain of what it feels like not to know what your mother or father looks like? Or their names?
I know you can't because the pain is unimaginable.
The big difference is parents of missing children are expected to feel the feelings they feel having a missing child. Society saves space for them, their grief and loss. They have some memories to hang onto, their child's names, and they know who they are. My heart goes out to these parents because I know it's a nightmare on every level, but I wanted to describe the difference in what adopted individuals experience.
At all costs, we are just supposed to be grateful. If we aren't, we are labeled as ungrateful, angry, and many other hurtful words.
This is not helpful to the adoptee experience.
To feel whole, complete, and like I was an actual living human being, I had to find the woman who gave birth to me. I had to see her face and know who she was. I fought the closed adoption laws in Iowa like HELL to find her. If I didn't, I would be dead right now. In my mind, this would solve all the pain I experienced and the heartache I lived with my whole life back to coming home from the hospital with strangers at a few days old.
Living in the unknown is a different type of pain.
It was for me, anyway. I describe it as an emotional and mental torment and endless agony. Every waking moment of every day for me was painful. I was sad and filled with anxiety, and as I grew into my pre-teen self, it turned into self-sabotage and self-hate.
All I needed was HER.
During this time, I had anticipation and high hopes that one day I would be reunited with the woman who gave me life, but things would be different this time. If she "loved me so much," she must want to know and have me back, right? WRONG!
She never wanted to be found or meet me, which is what many adoptees experience when they search for and find our biological families. She was nothing like what I had dreamed about finding my whole life. She was quite the opposite. She was a disappointment on every level, and I am still 28+ years later, upset by this disappointment. She considered herself doing me a favor by meeting me once, and we had a 2-hour visit together.
After this visit, she shut me out and never spoke to me again.
During the visit, she asked me about my life and childhood. I have always been an honest person, even when it hurts. I expressed to her I never bonded with my adoptive mom, and my adoptive parents divorced when I was a year old. I was raised on welfare and food stamps and experienced significant emotional, mental, and even sexual abuse in my adoptive home.
If I had it to do over again, I would have done things a little differently, but when I was searching, it was 1995, and there were no resources or support groups available for adoptees back then. Nor was there internet or social media. I would have shared a much lighter, fluffier version, which actually didn’t even exist because the truth cost me everything.
Consider Reading: The Grievance of Being Kept Captive, Adopted to Caretake For My Mentally Ill, Pill-Addicted Adoptive Mom.
My truth crushed her, and it was too much for her to handle. Twenty years passed, and she shut me out, unable to face HER DECISION. She assumed I would have the better life promised to her. I received a message she had passed away, and I traveled to Iowa to her funeral.
I was told at her funeral by some of her closest friends that she was distraught that my adoptive parents divorced, and if she had known that was going to happen, she would have kept me. They said this bothered her deeply.
Knowing this truly helped me understand why she shut me out, but it didn't take away the pain or lessen it. The pain of being rejected by a biological parent is indescribable. The pain of being rejected by your mother, the woman who brought you into the world, is a pain that never goes away. But I have managed to find healing by accepting grief will be a part of my life forever, and instead of running from it, I welcome it, save space for it, and feel it.
Consider Reading: Relinquishment Trauma, The Forgotten Trauma.
We should never assume that just because an adoptee finds their biological family, it's going to be the key that turns the page for them. Or imagine their life will finally be complete, and they can eventually MOVE ON. Sometimes, what we find is so devastating moving on isn't an option for many of us. We have to grieve our losses, sit with our pain, and tend to the wounds relinquishment and adoption create. For those of us who can "move on," somewhere along the lines, we've come to a place of acceptance, but only after we spend as much time as we need to and cry and feel the feelings will that typically work.
Consider Reading: Why Adoptees Can't "Move On & Get Over It."
Telling adoptees to MOVE ON or GET OVER IT is never helpful.
It's quite the opposite. High hopes are shattered, and the disappointment of what was found sets in and rips our hearts into shreds. The grief and loss process continues and will remain a significant component of our lives for the rest of our lives. Healing is possible, but we need adoptee-centric resources, adoption-competent therapists, and tools to navigate our healing journeys.
Adoptees are the kings and queens of adaption, and we do our best to put on a smile for the world to see. It takes everything in our power to pretend everything is okay deep inside. But it's usually far from it.
We also must remember that this adaption behavior and pretending is instilled into many of us from a very early age. When we learn that our greatest heartbreak is our adoptive parents' greatest blessing, we discover our feelings aren't acknowledged, valid, or significant. Many times, we feel like our feelings aren't important. We learn we must keep them hidden for fear of upsetting our adoptive parents. Our heartache and heartbreak for the mystery woman we fantasize and dream about are insignificant compared to our adoptive parents' feelings of finally becoming parents.
Consider Reading: When Your Biggest Blessing Invalidates My Greatest Trauma.
A lot of times the mental mind paradox that any adopted individual has to endure is enough to take us out of this world. It's way too much for one person to bear. Did you know that adoptees are 10x more likely to struggle with mental health issues and 4x more likely to attempt suicide? Non-adopted individuals can't comprehend what the big fuss is all about. Accepting they never will understand because they don't have the experience has been critical to my healing journey.
Even when non-adoptees TRY to understand, they simply can't. We do appreciate those who TRY.
Aside from the failed reunion with my biological mother and rejection from her, I experienced the same failed reunion and rejection from my birth father. Even after DNA confirmation that I am his daughter, he has no desire to know me or have a relationship with me. He said that he would have kept me if he had known about me, but I was adopted without his consent, so he had no say. In his eyes, it's too late now. He passed away in July 2022, so any hope that anything would change with him died when he did.
Double rejection and double heartbreak is a hard pill to swallow. It's heavy to carry, and the pain surfaces in the grief and loss process for me, which I've accepted will last a lifetime. We can't put a timeframe on grief, nor do the five stages of grief always apply.
Aside from being rejected by my biological parents, I found a long-lost brother who was the best part of my search and reunion. We spent five years catching up for lost time, making new memories together, and being elated that we finally found one another after all these years apart. This reality turned into a shattered nightmare when DNA testing showed we shared no DNA.
Consider Reading: Dear Adoptees, Why DNA Testing is Ultra Essential Before Building Relationships.
I can't even describe how this experience has made me feel. The heartbreak is accurate, and I have no words to describe it—pain on top of pain.
After a lifetime of dreaming, I met my biological grandmother at least once. I can't express how thankful I am that I had enough courage to drive across the country (even after being told by my biological father that I could not meet her) to meet her for one hour as she lived in a nursing home in Iowa. I stayed one hour, and it was a dream come true.
It opened the connection to my first cousin, who thought she was the only granddaughter. I was honored to be invited back to Iowa for a second visit to meet her and her family and see my biological grandmother again. She took me to the land where my grandparents lived, describing her childhood memories as "heaven."
Even with this being a dream come true, when I returned home, and the dust settled, this "reunion" became so emotional for me that it set me up for intense grieving I wasn't prepared to experience. I became sad and depressed, and things spiraled out of control.
My grief and sorrow for what was lost and what I missed out on being robbed of these relationships were all I could bear to handle. I was so sad. I just wanted my life to end because of all the pain, the grief, the loss I was feeling. Leaving the world seemed like the only way to escape the pain.
Learning to live with a broken heart has been a critical component of my healing journey. Stepping into a space of welcoming the grief I was feeling was an essential aspect of learning how to heal and process such complex grief. Once I accepted the pain was here to stay and be a lifelong visitor, that is actually when I started healing. Learning more about the lifelong grief process as an adoptee changed everything for me.
Even ten years post reunions with biological parents and all the pain I have experienced in that time from other dynamics to my adoption journey, I still wouldn't change the fact that I chose to search and find my people. Knowing my truth has been healing even when they haven't accepted me. I don't regret it, but handling the aftermath is something I will be navigating for the rest of my life.
Even when our loved ones might expect reunions and finding our TRUTH might be the answer for our healing and freedom, in some regards, it can be. Still, the other side is that we suffer in silence, carrying the tremendous pain and sorrow of what should have been, what could have been, and all that was lost because of adoption.
The complicated difference for adoptees is that our world doesn't acknowledge we should even be feeling this way; they do not leave space for us to grieve, and most of the time, they don't understand why. They also use microaggressions to silence and gaslight us into being complicit with the “thankful & grateful” narrative.
Reunion is still just as messy as adoption, and it looks different for each of us. Even being embraced by one or both biological parents carries pain. It brings grief, and it brings loss. Instead of the outlook that when adopted individuals find their birth family, it will be the CURE ALL for the adoptee, let's reframe things to help them embrace what they are about to experience.
It could be happiness; it could be sadness; it could be a combination of both. It could be feelings that are so complex they don't even understand them themselves. It could be emotions so complicated that they withdraw; they use coping mechanisms to get through and become shut off.
There are no limits to what adoptees might find when searching for their biological family. I think many of us are set up for the greatest disappointment of our lives when we assume our birth mother "loved us so much," but her actions of rejection show quite the opposite.
Many of us find people with addictions, graves, happy homes without us, that our biological parents married and had more kids after us, or single women who never married or had more kids. Sometimes, we find parents who are happy to be found and others who want to slam us in jail for pursuing them. (yes, this happens!)
Occasionally, we are received, but only if we agree to remain a secret. Sometimes, siblings embrace us, and sometimes they reject us. Some of us are told our biological parents are dead, but we later find that it was a lie to discourage us from searching. This happened to me! (never believe what you have been told until you prove it) I've heard it ALL over the years!
It is essential to recognize that each adoptee's experience is unique, and reunification can pose challenges. Adoptees may find support through therapy, counseling, connect groups, and, if they are fortunate enough to have understanding ones, the love and support of their adoptive families. With time, healing, and the right resources, adoptees can learn to navigate and make sense of their complex emotions, ultimately finding our own path to acceptance and personal growth.
No matter how the adoptee responds, non-adopted individuals must meet them right where they are, and they should accept this is a lifelong journey for the adoptee. They should also acknowledge that nothing they say or do can take our pain away.
Consider Reading: I'm Adopted, You Can't Fix Me or Take My Pain Away, Please Stop Trying.
Being adopted never goes away, so our feelings won't go away either. The sooner non-adoptees can get this, the easier it will be for adoptees. Failed reunification in adoption can have significant and lasting impacts on adoptees.
We must remember that no matter how the adoptee feels, it's normal for a not-normal situation. There is nothing ordinary about being severed from your roots, abandoned by your biological mother, and fighting the world for your truth. Reunion might not fix everything. However, if they choose to go down that path, it can help adoptees find more information about our truth, and no matter how painful, with that can come acceptance and healing.
Newsflash: We can't accept or heal from what we find if we don't know our truth to understand what we are accepting or healing from. I long for a world where adoption doesn’t exist, but as long as adoptions are still happening, please know that the truth holds the key to healing for many of us. If you must support adoption, please advocate for truth and transparency in 100% of adoptions. Adoptee’s lives depend on it.
For my fellow adoptees, what has the grief process looked like for you? What has helped you or harmed you when it comes to processing your grief?
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. You can find it here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
Need some support during the holiday season?
Would you like to collaborate?
SET UP A ONE-ON-ONE TABLE TALK
You asked for it, and she's delivering. As a thrilling spinoff to The Real Adoptea Moxie - Introducing AdopTEA RealiTEA, One-on-One Virtual Table Talk Sessions with Pamela A. Karanova launching in 2023.
For over a decade, Pamela has poured thousands of hours into providing emotional labor to the adoption community. Most of the time, this labor of love has been behind the scenes, in one-on-one conversations and interactions with adoptees worldwide.
A Table Talk with Pamela A. Karanova allows specific days and times to connect more profoundly with those who seek validation, understanding, and acknowledgment from abandonment, rejection, grief, loss, anger, and rage from the adoptee experience. It's a space for conversations between Pamela and adoptees and non-adoptees.
I appreciate your consideration in collaborating with me!
I am currently accepting new opportunities to collaborate with others in the adoption constellation and look forward to connecting with you.
I have well over a decade of interactions and networking within the adoptee and adoption community and have gained great insight into working closely with this community during this time. While my experience is extensive, I have a wealth of knowledge to share and endless support to give.
Some services I provide to adoptees, those in the adoption constellation, and friends and family of adoptees are:
Podcast interviews.
Writing pieces, articles, poetry, etc.
Zoom meetings highlighting adoption-related topics.
Interviews from a well-versed adoptee perspective.
Book review requests.
Understanding your personal experiences because understanding is love.
Validate your pain and acknowledge your feelings.
Help gain a better understanding of the adoptee experience.
Processing grief, listen to you until your tears begin to dry up. Discover healthy ways to grieve your losses.
Assist in sharing resources, tools, and ideas to promote healing.
Offer encouragement, support, and guidance on your personal journey.
Set goals, dreams, and to-do lists for healing and bringing your visions to life.
Develop a mentor-mentee relationship.
Consultation on the adoptee community and bringing visions to life in the adoption community.
Offer ongoing, one-on-one support.
Be a lifeline in turbulent times.
Provide referrals for others in the adoption constellation who might benefit you in your journey.
Identify adoption's role in root issues and help discover the magnitude of how these issues have impacted one's life.
Walk with you, out of the darkness into the light.
Take control of your life and destiny.
Create a bucket list and start checking things off.
Identify self-care practices because self-care is the new health care.
Tap into creative ways to share your story between writing, art, music, podcasts, etc.
Identify ways to process big adoptee/adoption feelings in healthy ways.
Give recommendations and feedback on organizations that are adoptee-centric.
And so much more!
Would you like to gift an adoptee you love some Adoptea Realitea Table Talk Time with me? Email: pamelakaranova@gmail.com to set up!
If you have the vision to create a resource for adoptees but need help figuring out where to begin, I am here for you! I would love to support you and offer guidance to bring your vision to life! If you are an adoptee and having a tough time, I am a great listener and have many tools to share with you. If you are an adoptive parent who would like advice on your adoptee, I am here to help you understand things from an adoptee's lens. If you are a birth parent navigating reunion, I am happy to be your lifeline as you navigate one of your life's most challenging and emotional times. Click here to learn more and consider setting up a table talk session with me: THE REAL ADOPTEA MOXIE TABLE TALK SESSION.
Here are a few articles I recommend reading:
100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption by Pamela A. Karanova & 100 Transracial Adoptees Worldwide
What Are the Mental Health Effects of Being Adopted? By Therodora Blanchfield, AMFT
10 Things Adoptive Parents Should Know – An Adoptee’s Perspective by Cristina Romo
Understanding Why Adoptees Are At A Higher Risk for Suicide by Maureen McCauley | Light of Day Stories
Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben
Relationship Between Adoption and Suicide Attempts: A Meta-Analysis
Reckoning with The Primal Wound Documentary with a 10% off coupon code (25 available) “adopteesconnect”
Still, Grieving Adoptee Losses, What My Adoptive Parents Could Have Done Differently.
I haven't had a reunion myself, and I am honestly scared to have it. Then there's the language barrier on top of it, like "What if I say the wrong thing in Russian or Romanian and they hate me?!" Like, not knowing is scary enough but double rejection just SUCKS and I've been the discarded Taco Bell from a night out in a college town one too many times... Thank you for writing this!! I know now why my sibling only has a relationship with thier bio dad's side. I like thier bio mom's side, and they're nice people but the fact that our "MOTHER" was inviting them to my sibling's wedding behind thier back, that woman is cruising for a nursing home AND ZERO KIDS at her funeral...