Adoptees, It's Never Too Late to Rewrite Your Own Story.
I knew that I had to get to the root of relinquishment trauma from adoption to find true happiness.
While my birthday month is wrapping up, my celebrations shall continue, just like the continuous opportunity to rewrite my story. This year, this reality has been extra immense. I have learned over the last several years that it's important to me that I control certain things in my life, and the trajectory of my story is one of them: when you are adopted and have no control over this big gigantic thing that happened, being in charge of your life matters!
I remember coming out of the fog, and I would share sentiments about adoption, feeling like a life sentence for a crime I didn't commit. My grief was inconsolable; my anger was rage-filled. My pain was so significant that I couldn't see past it, around it, and sometimes I couldn't breathe. I believed with everything in my mind that I would die from a broken heart. I have spent most of my life feeling like relinquishment trauma, and adoption trauma was going to kill me.
Some have said it was a choice, and some have judged me for my life choices and the decisions I have had to make to save myself. I knew in my heart that to find true happiness in my life, I had to get to the root of relinquishment trauma and work on the depths of those layers that impacted every area of my life! While I wanted to be healed, so many things stood in the way of that healing.
I focused on three primary things: not knowing my history (who am I? Where did I come from?), 27 years of alcohol dependency, and spiritual bypassing by religion. They all kept me stuck from actually feeling my feelings. And we all know to heal it, we have to feel it. Once I realized what was blocking my healing, I removed those things, and the healing began instantly. Let’s also highlight secrecy and lies in adoption only stalled my healing. I had to fight like hell to get my truth, and I never gave up!
Please don't mistake this for acknowledging all the work put into navigating how to feel big adoptee feelings. I also spent years removing all the layers of beliefs and systems I was forced to be a part of at no choice of my own. It was a lonely journey and still is at times.
Consider Reading: Big Adoptee Feelings.
I desired to know myself more deeply, but that's almost impossible for many adoptees because we don't know who we are if we don't know where we came from. Knowing our truth is essential. I had to walk off into many sunsets solo to find myself. I walked away from everyone I ever knew and loved many times over to honor myself and set off on a path of self-discovery.
Over a decade later, with loads of blood, sweat, and tears shed, I have finally arrived at a place of acceptance and internal happiness with myself. My self-hate that adoption and relinquishment caused has blossomed into self-love. I can look at myself in the mirror and be happy with who is looking back at me.
Adoption and relinquishment cause some profound, dark wounds for many adoptees. These wounds rock us to our core, impacting every area of our lives, even how we parent our children and see ourselves and the world. We're all just winging it with essentially zero tools to navigate these wounds! It hasn't been until the last five years that resources like Adoptees Connect, Inc. have come about that are lifelines for adult adoptees.
I must put in intentional work daily as I emerge from the fog and become more self-aware of my feelings and thoughts. Grief will always be a lifelong visitor for adopted people, but no one told me that. I had to become my advocate and expert in navigating and processing grief, sadness, loneliness, abandonment, rejection, and anger.
Consider Reading: Bewildering Adoptee Grief on Infinite Repeat.
I decided several years ago while adoption and relinquishment had stolen most of my life, it didn't have to steal anymore. I just turned 49, and it's never too late to take back what relinquishment and adoption dismantled. For me, it starts with small daily choices and rewriting MY STORY. I share it so my fellow adoptees can feel inspired, validated, and know that someone understands them.
Some things I have discovered about myself as I have been rewriting my story:
I love myself and aim to dismantle anything (belief systems, rules, regulations, what everyone else thinks)that stands in the way of loving myself.
I am passionate about waterfalls, colors, art, painting, nature, bonfires, sunrises, sunsets, hot tea, coffee, hiking, mountains, trees, flowers, music, the sky, and more.
Writing isn’t just a passion; it’s healing and a hobby.
Overcoming obstacles is a high priority. If someone tells me I can’t do something, I set out to prove them wrong. I can do anything I want to do, so can you!
I love being a supporting person for others, encouraging them in this thing called life.
I have a long list of values that I didn’t have before.
I believe in myself and trust myself and my intuition to guide my footsteps.
Meaningful conversations and memories mean more to me than anything of material value.
I spent ten years alcohol-free to process my adoptee trauma. I now consider myself to have a healthy relationship with alcohol. Because I have lived ten years without alcohol, I don’t even like it anymore. I don’t like how it makes me feel, and I rarely drink it.
After ten years in recovery settings, I have gifted myself the reality of being RECOVERED. This is something the recovery programs will not allow you to do! Will I always be a work in progress and healing? YES! But recovery is a thing of the past, and I have removed that toxic ball and chain from my life. No one helped me come to this conclusion. I followed my spirit 100% of the way.
I am a queen photo taker and love to capture memories from photos.
I stand up for myself.
I allow myself to be late sometimes.
I have taken my painful experiences, created something unique, and found purpose in the pain. Adoptees Connect, Inc.
I don’t like deadlines and avoid them at all costs.
I am a planner at heart, but I acknowledge that it sometimes stands in the way of an adventurous lifestyle. Finding the middle ground is critical.
I don’t apologize for things I meant. I know when to apologize when I have hurt someone or made mistakes.
I am okay with the life choices I make today. I am okay with who I am, inside and out.
I say “No” with no problems or guilt.
I set boundaries in all areas of my life as a radical form of self-love.
I love a small group of close friends and the solitude of being alone because I am my safest place.
I celebrate small and big joys as much as possible, every day and minute!
I’m allergic to bullshit, and I’m allergic to people who bring it.
I don’t have to forgive anyone.
I reserve the right to change my mind.
I DO have the gift of speaking to adoptive parents, but not with those who are unwilling to listen and learn.
Adoptees always have and always will get the ADOPTEE LOVE FOREVER favor!
I know how to extend grace when I want to.
I love all people, especially those who look, act, or believe nothing like me.
I am an agnostic, and I am proud of it. I don’t treat people kindly or love everyone because a higher power tells me to. I do it because it’s in the goodness of my own heart to do it—no alternative motives or love with conditions. If I love you, I love you!
I used to be terrified of being alone. I had a huge hole inside and was scared of my thoughts. I am okay with being alone and crave it.
My mental health is a top priority, and I put it first at all costs.
Not everyone will understand me or my decisions, and that’s okay. Not everyone likes me. I don’t need them to.
I was a careTAKER for most of my life regarding my adoptive mom. Today, I am a careGIVER by career, and there is a big difference between the two.
I am creative, and there isn’t another person on the planet like me. I am unique and a lover of people.
I can rewrite any part of my story and reclaim what adoption and relinquishment dismantled every moment of my life for the rest of my life.
As my birthday month ends, I am thankful I have survived relinquishment trauma compacted by adoption trauma. I am here to share my story, and some adoptees aren't. I keep sharing for them and the adoptees who feel hopeless.
I want to highlight I have shared so much about adoption over the last decade; my pain has lessened every time I share. I have cried so many; my tears are FINALLY starting to dry up. Today, I choose my path, and no one else chooses.
Adoptees, keep talking about how you feel, connect with your fellow adoptees in person if possible, and know that you are worth putting yourself first! No one will do it for us, so do it for you! You deserve it! Please know you are not alone, and you are not crazy for feeling the way you do! Find your tribe, and share your story with them.
And most of all, adoptees, it's never too late to rewrite your own story. I encourage you to reclaim what adoption has destroyed or dismantled. Step by step, day by day, things will get easier. I am a true example of this. I am sending you so much love! If you need a lifeline of support or an accountability companion to start rewriting your own story, I am here for you!
Q & A
For my fellow adoptees, how have you rewritten your own story? How do you feel being in control of the trajectory of your life? What are you waiting for if you still need to make that choice? Drop your comments below!
Consider setting up a virtual one-on-one wellness table talk session with me if you need a lifeline or someone who understands. We can meet weekly, once a month, or once a year. You pick what works best for you. I added some more times for availability to accommodate those who want to navigate a healing journey and a better understanding of the adoptee experience. I am here to support you! Let me know if you need a different time than the listed ones, and I can set a specific time for you.
Click here to learn more and book your table talk today.
"a hero
is one who heals
their own wounds
and then shows others
how to do the same."
― yung pueblo, Inward
Special "Thank you" to all the birthday month sentiments. You all sure make a lady feel special! I appreciate you!
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. You can find it here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
Here are a few Adoptee Remembrance Day articles I recommend reading:
Adoptee Remembrance Day: Today by Light of Day Stories
Before a month celebrating adoption, a day to recognize adoptees’ trauma by Religion News Service
Adoptee Remembrance Day by InterCountry Adoptee Voices (ICAV)
Adoptee Remembrance Day by Adoptees On
Adoptee Remembrance Day by My Adoptee Truth
Adoptee Remembrance Day Presentation by Brenna Kyeong McHugh
Adoptee Remembrance Day – October 30th by Bastard Nation
It’s Hard to Smile Today – My Tribute to Adoptee Remembrance Day – October 30th by Pamela A. Karanova
Adoption BE-AWARENESS and Remembrance By Mirah Riben
Adoptee REMEMBRANCE Day by Janet Nordine, Experience Courage
Adoptee Remembrance Day – October 30th YouTube Poetry Hosted By Liz Debetta
Listeners Acknowledge Adoptee Remembrance Day by Adoptees On
I have started rewriting my story by doing things I enjoy and that means something to me like hockey. and not to my adoptive parent. even though I do care for them and value their opinion I am learning to set boundaries. I am my own person and have my own likes and dislikes. I want to thrive instead of becoming another statistic of adoption-related death! I share my story and rewrite my story because I still have a limited time on this planet and I want to leave it better off than when I came into it!