Adoption, Grieve, Grow, Glo, Ready, Set, Go
A crusade to illuminate the intersection of adoption, grief & loss. When we grieve, we grow, and then we glo. Instead of grieving in isolation, let's grieve together, ready, set, go.
A crusade to illuminate the intersection of adoption, grief & loss. When we grieve, we grow, and then we glo. Instead of grieving in isolation, let's grieve together, ready, set, go.
To feel better, we have to acknowledge a problem or pain exists to begin with. Then, we do what we can to solve, understand, and repair the root of said pain or problem. But what if we have overlooked one of the most significant pieces of the adoption experience, the grief process?
Then, when we realize it and connect the dots, what if we aren't fully prepared to deal with it?
DON'T FEEL BAD
There is no adoption for adoptees without a life-altering, traumatic loss first. The life of an adoptee carries constant challenges, and the ebb and flow of grief, triggers, and loss can visit frequently throughout our lives. Grieving these losses is a critical pathway to healing. But what happens when our culture hasn't allowed adoptees to grieve?
Adoptees are over-represented in prisons, jails, and mental health and treatment facilities, and they are ten times more likely to struggle with mental health issues. Has anyone ever considered what it's like for a newborn baby to begin grieving the moment they take their first breath, and many of them never stop?
The Profound Sadness of Prolonged Grief:
"Regardless of who experiences it, prolonged grief comes with increased health risks. In Shear's work, suicidality, heart trouble, cancer, and other physical ailments often accompany the condition's emotional effects." - Amanda Loudin, Harvard Medicine.
How does grief show up as an adopted person?
My grief showed up in a multitude of ways. I was filled with anger, rage, self-hate, and self-destructive lifestyle behavior patterns. I used substances to numb my grief, loss, and pain. I was riddled with abandonment and trauma of separation at the loss of my birth mother. I experienced double rejection once I searched for parents who didn’t want to be found. Sadness, depression, and suicidal ideation was everyday visitor, and ultimately, the pain from adoption convinced me I was going to die from a broken heart. I described it as hollow and empty inside, with a dark cloud hanging over my head everywhere I went. I couldn’t shake it; it has been a lifelong struggle for as long as I can remember.
If I had learned what grief was at a young age and started processing it appropriately, my entire life likely would have been entirely different. My grief wouldn’t have been repressed and come out in a million other unhealthy ways. Once I connected the dots on the reality that I was grieving from so many losses, everything changed for me, but I was well into my 40s, and my life is likely well past half over.
I can now share without a shadow of a doubt that making this connection that I have been grieving since the moment I came out of the womb, all on my own, has changed my life forever. The saddest part is that none of the therapists in my life, all the way back to five years old, never brought this up, nor did my adoptive parents. I am confident the attempts to take my own life and many of the thoughts of leaving this world are likely rooted in the very valid sadness I couldn’t see a way out of.
Addressing grief and loss in adoption as early as possible could very well save adoptees’ lives.
MAKING THE GRIEF CONNECTION SOONER THAN LATER
I believe adoptees should start grieving verbally in childhood with their adoptive parents fully committed to assisting them in facilitating the grief process. Our body is already grieving consciously and subconsciously from the moment we lost our biological mothers, but a lot of times, it's stuck inside. We are gaslit to be grateful and we fear hurting our adoptive parents feelings if we let them know how we really feel. As children, we don't have the language to tap into grief or big adoptee feelings. I feel like our adoptive parents should already be experts in grief as they should have already grieved their losses before they ever consider adopting.
I would have given anything to be able to say out of my mouth, "I love my birth mother (that's what I was instructed to call her), and I miss her terribly." I would have loved to feel comfortable crying about the loss of her and being comforted in sharing those feelings. One thing is for sure: I felt them inside, but I could never articulate my emotions because I didn't have a safe space to share them, nor did I have the tools to process my grief, loss, and confusion at five years old.
Society seems to think that if an adopted child "looks happy" and "sounds happy," they are happy. I was in deep internal turmoil from the moment I found out I was adopted and the moment I was born, losing my birth mother. My body has been at war with itself from the moment of separation, and most of you are aware that our body keeps the score. Separation trauma riddled every fiber of my being from the moment I took my first breath. Yet, it was well into my 30s before I could tap into this reality.
Something to keep in mind is that adoptees are grieving in isolation and even dying in the same isolation. When adoptees share big feelings, society pushes them away. Their grief, loss, and sadness are so gigantic that they can't see past it. I know so many of these adoptees, and I am grieving with them as the world continues to try to silence them. No one should have to grieve in isolation, but society is ill-prepared to deal with how to be a lifeline to grieving adoptees.
ADOPTION IS RARELY A FIRST CHOICE
Adoption for adoptive parents isn't usually a first choice. It's an avenue taken when many can't have biological children for a variety of reasons. This sometimes results in an enormous loss that adopting can't fix. Many times, they adopt a child without ever grieving the loss of not having their own. We need to highlight this loss, and APs should make every attempt to heal it before adopting. What happens when they don't grieve this loss? They adopt, and the adopted child takes the place of the biological child, which is an expectation most of us can't fulfill. This topic coming to light is essential to me because I was raised by an adoptive mom who hadn't grieved her losses. This reality impacted my entire life greatly.
Biological Parents who have experienced separation from their biological children because of adoption can spend an entire lifetime grieving that loss. I have seen the damage this leaves them with as I have gotten to know many of them and sat and listened to their stories. Once again, society hasn't saved space for their grief & loss. What happens when our culture doesn't allow them to grieve their losses?
While the grief & loss process is almost always overlooked in the adoption constellation, I want to start sparking conversations that bring it to the forefront. I hope to ignite a movement that brings more healing for everyone in the adoption constellation—especially adoptees. They have no choice in this gigantic experience that has impacted their lives.
SUCK IT UP
Many of us have been raised to "suck it up" and even been told, "I will give you something to cry about" early on in our childhoods. People often say, "Don't be sad," with good intentions. However, we all have legitimate reasons to feel sad. Relinquishment trauma creates an enormous wound that is rooted in trauma, abandonment, and rejection. We have every right to feel sorrowful, yet we've rarely been allowed to tap into our legitimate and valid feelings, let alone acknowledge them.
Consider Reading: Acknowledging Immeasurable Adoptee Grief, The Real Mother.
Then, adding adoption to the coin (they are two separate events) only compounds this issue by covering it up and acting like it doesn't exist. It's no wonder many people and adoptees have no idea how to process big, uncomfortable feelings. We've been drilled to be scared of them and that they are wrong, which makes us feel guilty for feeling them.
Grief is a powerful and natural expression of a non-normal situation and loss. Nothing is normal or natural about adoption. I want to spark dialogue and learn what grief means to each of us, how it's impacted us, and how we process such big emotions.
Grief is as universal and unique as our fingerprints. There is no one-size-fits-all. It can't fit in a box, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There are healthy ways to grieve and unhealthy ways, which should be addressed by each person grieving. Every loss in life opens a new pathway and an opportunity we might need to grieve that loss.
I have been grieving for my birth mother since the moment I came out of the womb. A new mother came along who tried to replace my original biological mother. However, it only suppressed my grief. I would spend a lifetime in pain, several suicide attempts, and convincing myself that I was going to die of a broken heart before I realized what was happening.
No adoptee should have to grieve alone and in isolation.
The way adoption is celebrated in our society today leaves no room for our sadness, grief, or loss. No one usually thinks about what the adoptee has to lose before they are ever adopted.
I learned that while those losses might not be substantial to the world, they were essential to me. It was no wonder I, and so many of my fellow adoptees are suffering from such complex grief.
I hope the Adoption: Grieve, Grow, Glo, Ready, Set, Go crusade produces more adoption grief advocates in the adoption constellation. Adoption, grief, and loss go hand in hand, so we must normalize the topic of grief and loss in our conversations about adoption. We must also become experts at navigating our own grief journey because no one is going to do it for us. I aim to promote healing by normalizing grieving as a pivotal role in adoption conversations and among the adoption constellation.
The moment I accepted my grief was here to stay was the moment I started healing. Then, I became great friends with my grief, and we joined forces, and each day I wake up, I say, GREAT MOURNING, ADOPTION GRIEF.
Each day, I welcome whatever emotions and feelings that come my way. Sometimes, we even dance together. Sometimes, she's in my pocket, laptop case, or my backpack. I run to nature and visit her at the waterfalls and weeping willow trees. She visits frequently, and instead of running from her, I embrace her. She belongs to me, and I belong to her. Everything has changed since I made this revelation; no one helped me figure it out. I hope that sharing my story it might resonate with you.
There are a million things we can do in life to avoid feeling our feelings, but what if we start to welcome grief and expect it to come? What if we save grief a space at the table?
During a recent conversation with my great friend, Simon Benn, of Thriving Adoptees Podcast, I shared in-depth thoughts on adoptee grief, acceptance, and finding peace within. You can listen here or find it on all your favorite streaming platforms.
This crusade is a collaborative invitation to explore adoption, grief & loss together because no one should have to suffer in isolation and aloneness. Healing can happen if we welcome grief and learn to dance with its presence.
I dream of the day that adoption doesn't exist, but until that day comes, we are all responsible for our healing. Wouldn't it be monumental to raise a community of Adoption Grief Ambassadors to help one another heal? What if we were taught about the grief process early in our lives? What if learning more about grief concerning our adoption journeys changed everything?
Join the Adoption: Grieve, Grow, Glo Crusade.
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You don't have to grieve in isolation and alone.
Let's grieve together, ready, set, go.
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. You can find it here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
Here are a few articles I recommend reading:
100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption by Pamela A. Karanova & 100 Transracial Adoptees Worldwide
What Are the Mental Health Effects of Being Adopted? By Therodora Blanchfield, AMFT
10 Things Adoptive Parents Should Know – An Adoptee’s Perspective by Cristina Romo
Understanding Why Adoptees Are At A Higher Risk for Suicide by Maureen McCauley | Light of Day Stories
Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben
Relationship Between Adoption and Suicide Attempts: A Meta-Analysis
Reckoning with The Primal Wound Documentary with a 10% off coupon code (25 available) “adopteesconnect”
Still, Grieving Adoptee Losses, What My Adoptive Parents Could Have Done Differently.
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