Mother's Day is a challenging day for adoptees. But, unfortunately, the emotional pain from a complex or challenging relationship with one's mother isn't new. It's no secret that many people (adopted or not) suffer from experiencing what's better known as "The Mother Wound."
However, I am highlighting The Primal Wound from an adopted person's perspective today because many adoptees suffer significantly from this wound. For non adopted people, they might call it the Mother Wound. In the adoptee community, it's also known as The Primal Wound or Separation Trauma.
Separation trauma from our biological mothers can have a significant impact on adoptees. This trauma can lead to feelings of abandonment, loss, grief, and issues with attachment, trust, and self-esteem. This trauma can be long-lasting and can affect the adoptee throughout their life.
Sometimes it can be a wound we carry from our birth mothers due to relinquishment trauma. Some adoptees experience rejection from their birth mothers when we search and find them. Some adoptees can have awful or hurtful experiences once they find their biological mothers, adding to these original traumas.
Sometimes a mother wound can surface because we don't connect or bond with our adoptive mothers, or the complexities of our adoption create a rift.
Problems that arise from the Primal Wound:
Separation Trauma: Adoptees have experienced separation trauma from losing their birth mother, which can lead to difficulties in forming attachments with others. Many of us are rejected by our birth mothers once reunited.
Trust Issues: Many adoptees struggle to trust others due to their past experiences, making it difficult to form close bonds with their adoptive mothers. Many adoptees can't connect with their adoptive mothers at no fault of their own.
Identity Issues: Many adoptees struggle with their identity and a sense of belonging, making it challenging to connect with their adoptive mothers.
Attachment Styles: Adoptees have different attachment styles than their adoptive mothers, which can lead to a mismatch in bonding styles. Forced bonding can be traumatizing to the adoptee.
Adoptees can have this wound times two because we have two mothers, sometimes more. Unfortunately, the mother wound can manifest in various ways, such as feeling unworthy or unloved, struggling with trust and intimacy, or experiencing a sense of abandonment or neglect. The mother wound can be a complex and deeply rooted issue, and healing often involves addressing and processing past traumas and emotions.
For those who don't know, the mother wound can be a profound emotional wound caused by unmet needs, neglect, abuse, or lack of emotional connection with one's mother. It can profoundly impact a person's self-esteem, relationships, and overall well-being. The depth of the mother wound can vary from person to person, depending on the severity of the trauma and the individual's ability to process and heal from it. However, healing and moving forward from the mother wound is possible with time, therapy, and self-care.
The trauma that every adoptee experiences from being separated from their biological mothers and then adopted is complex and a highly individualized experience that affects each adoptee in different ways. Some adoptees may experience severe symptoms, while others might not experience symptoms at all. In addition, many adoptees have complex PTSD, which is a mental health disorder, and others might experience depression, anxiety, or substance abuse issues as a result of separation trauma. Some adoptees can cope, while others can not.
Visit: www.adopteeremembranceday.com
One of the most challenging parts for adoptees is the lack of resources to help heal this prolific wound, the primal wound. This has made it exceptionally difficult to build a wellness toolbox full of tools that work so adoptees can have the resources to navigate the trauma they have experienced. But it's up to each of us to try to step into a healing journey. But, unfortunately, no one is going to do it for us.
Another challenging part is that most of society does not recognize separation trauma from our birth mothers as an actual wound. This makes it extra hard for adoptees to identify the root of our pain and grieve the losses we legitimately have a right to grieve.
Not only that, they gaslight us into being thankful, and we should be happy someone took us in when our biological parents didn't want us. And the most used gaslighting statement against adoptees, "Aren't you thankful you weren't aborted?"
They also don't recognize that not all adoptees bond or connect with our adoptive mothers.
Consider Reading: The Perplexity of Forced Bonding in Adoption.
My individual story has caused me a unique perspective on having this wound, what it feels like, and how I have healed it not once or twice but three times with three different women who were supposed to be mothers to me.
There have been many times in my life that I thought the mother wound was going to kill me. The pain has been so great that I thought I would die of a broken heart for most of my life. I experienced the mother wound with my birth mother, adoptive mother, and adopted stepmother.
Consider Reading: Earth Day, Mother’s Day & My Adoptee Epiphany.
However, I learned along the pathway of my healing journey that most of the time, our unhealthy behaviors and lifestyle patterns are usually a symptom of a much more extensive root issue that is grounded in abandonment, rejection, or abuse of any kind and sometimes many of these are at the root.
Because adoption is always rooted in separation trauma FIRST, I believe all adoptees have been traumatized by the separation from their biological mothers. However, I also believe this trauma impacts every adoptee differently. Like the defining reality of our fingerprints being unique to each of us, no two adoptees are the same.
"Not all adoptees feel traumatized by separation trauma. Not all adoptees have issues with being adopted. Not all adoptees connect with their biological mothers. Not all adoptees want to search and find their biological families. Not all adoptees." - Says the world.
We've heard that for centuries.
Please read: “Not My Adoptee!” Yes, Your Adoptee.
Adoptees need to receive support and guidance in processing their separation trauma. Therapy and Adoptees Connect groups can help address issues related to the adoptee experience. In addition, adoptees can benefit from connecting with other adoptees who have experienced similar experiences. With the proper support and as resources continue to be created and designed specifically for adoptees by adoptees, we can learn to manage our triggers, trauma, and challenges and live happy and productive lives.
However, because we are in charge of healing, I wanted to share some things I have explored to heal my adoptee relinquishment trauma. Maybe one or more will assist you in having more tools in your wellness toolbox as an adopted person. At least, that's my hope, anyway.
NEVER GIVE UP: I never gave up on finding my truth. At all costs, no matter who I pissed off, I was going to find my truth, and I did. Without it, I would not be here; I couldn't heal from secrecy, lies, and half-truths. This is why adoptees gaining access to ALL OUR INFORMATION is the KEY TO HEALING!
ACCEPTANCE: Once I had my truth, I learned that I could do nothing to change being adopted. The sooner I accepted this reality was here to stay, the sooner I could move into a space of what I could do about it regarding healing. Acceptance has been a pivotal component of my healing.
EMPATHY: I had to come to a place where I could put myself in my birth mother's and adoptive mother's shoes. This wasn't easy for a long time because my pain and rage were so significant I couldn't see why they made the decisions they did. However, my anger and rage started to subside once I could see how things were in 1974, the era of those times, and the reasons behind my relinquishment and adoption.
SELF-LOVE: Adoption and relinquishment trauma can destroy an adoptee's view of love, not just for others and the world but also for how we love ourselves. I experienced intense inner hate for myself when I was in the dark and didn't know who I was or where I came from. It took me years of healing to step outside of that and learn what love is without it being introduced into my life as pain and loss. "Your birth mother loved you so much; she gave you away!" fu*ks adoptees up! It's a lot to heal from.
RECOVERY: Once we learn to love ourselves, we can enter into a space of recovery from the trauma we have experienced from the separation from our birth mothers and being adopted by strangers. I knew that the only person who could heal me was ultimately me. So I set out on a mission to discover what healing tools worked for me and what didn't. I have tried everything from 12-Step groups, church, volunteering, Christianity, arts & crafts, work, networking, therapy, hiking, nature adventures, self-help books, and so on. Today, I have my wellness toolbox filled up with the things that did work for me. I encourage each adoptee to take the time to do the same.
MOTHERING MYSELF: I have gone deep into inner child work, discovering what areas have hit the hardest regarding separation and adoption trauma. I had learned that I needed to be the one to mother myself and give myself today what my younger self needed when I was a child. I have mothered myself back to life without a shadow of a doubt.
GRIEF IS FOR LIFE: I have accepted that I will be grieving for the rest of my life. So many years ago, I hadn't made the connection that profound sadness and loss were feelings of grief. The minute I made the connection and learned more about how grief works, specifically complex grief for adoptees, I could accept that grief doesn't have an expiration. It will be around coming and going as long as I'm alive on Earth. Acceptance is key.
IT'S OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY: I had to accept that some days or times in my life, I am not okay. Unfortunately, adoption is a lot and has a way of dismantling the perfect day. I needed to understand that my feelings were typical for a not normal situation. Nothing is normal about being separated from our biological mothers at the beginning of life.
CELEBRATE LIFE: Today, I celebrate being a mother and all life offers. While I can’t celebrate having a mother, I can now see beauty in life. From the sunshine, flowers, sunflowers, roses, hot tea, coffee, long hikes with forever friends, etc. After a lifetime of mapping out the madness, I have finally come to a space of internal peace, but sadness still visits. I am no longer numbing myself with substances or unhealthy lifestyle choices. Instead of running from it, I welcome it and sit with it. I cry with it, and I choose to move on.
The photo above is one of my favorite sit spots where I have sat many times and had talks with Mother Nature, my one true mother. Do you have any special places that bring you peace and comfort?
Consider Reading: Go, Mother, It’s Your Earth Day!
For my fellow adoptees, wherever you are on your healing journey, I hope you can acknowledge the pain, process it in healthy ways and celebrate yourself and all life has to offer. You deserve to be happy!
Happy Mother's Day to all the mommas out there!
For my fellow adoptees, how do you navigate Mother’s Day? What’s the most challenging part? What do you do to make it through it? Drop your comments below.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
ASK ME ANYTHING COLUMN
Each month, all subscribers receive an “Ask Me Anything” newsletter — which will answer one or two adoptee-related questions from paid subscribers. Think: What adoptee healing tools have been the most valuable to you? How have you navigated the grief and loss process? What made you want to search for your biological family? How was your reunion once you searched? Do you regret searching? If you have a question for me, please email it to: pamelakaranova@gmail.com
Here are the two recent questions:
When Speaking to Adoptive Parents About Adoption
Ways to Better Understand and Support Adopted Teens
Here are a few articles I recommend reading:
100 Heartfelt Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption by Pamela A. Karanova & 100 Adoptees Worldwide
100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption by Pamela A. Karanova & 100 Transracial Adoptees Worldwide
What Are the Mental Health Effects of Being Adopted? By Therodora Blanchfield, AMFT
10 Things Adoptive Parents Should Know – An Adoptee’s Perspective by Cristina Romo
Understanding Why Adoptees Are At A Higher Risk for Suicide by Maureen McCauley | Light of Day Stories
Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben
Relationship Between Adoption and Suicide Attempts: A Meta-Analysis
Reckoning with The Primal Wound Documentary with a 10% off coupon code (25 available) “adopteesconnect”
Still Grieving Adoptee Losses, What My Adoptive Parents Could Have Done Differently.
I am happy to report I had no triggering feelings on Mother’s Day this year. Since learning of my father’s identity three years ago, healing has been swift. Thanks for the beautiful writing and for being you! ❤️
Hi friend, You’re so welcome! I am so glad to hear this. It’s a magical thing to have the truth which helps us heal. I had a little triggering, but I was able to move through it easier than I ever have before. So thankful for the growth and healing process! 🫶🏼💗