When I searched for my birth mother in 1994, I was alone, without support or guidance. There were no internet or support groups. There was no help.
Can I cry now?
My adoptive mom told me my birth mother loved me "So much she gave me away," but when I found her, she didn't want to know me.
Can I cry now?
Never in a million years would I expect the woman who loved me "SO MUCH" to reject me.
Can I cry now?
When my adoptive mother told me I made her dreams of being a mother come true, there was no room for my sadness or tears because for her dreams to come true, I lost all of my biological connections and my mother.
I couldn't ruin her dream come true with my sadness.
Can I cry now?
When my adoptive mother lied to me about finding my birth family and told me we would get the sealed records opened when we had enough money, I hung onto that hope. It was a lie.
Can I cry now?
When I saw a billion therapists and counselors, I was put on medications and locked up in rehab and juvenile jail. No one ever asked me if my pain was from losing my first family or being separated from my biological mother. Not once.
Can I cry now?
When I contemplated suicide as a teenager, and throughout my life, I kept it a secret because no one cared about my feelings.
Can I cry now?
No one has ever asked how it felt growing up, not mirroring anyone and feeling alone and isolated. I hated who was looking back at me in the mirror. Who was she? Where did she come from?
Can I cry now?
Everyone told me how to feel and that I should be thankful I wasn't aborted. My pain was so great I couldn’t see past it.
Can I cry now?
When my birth father's rights were stolen, and he wasn't even told about my existence, did my adoptive parents ever wonder who my father was? What about his rights?
Can I cry now?
I had high hopes, but when I showed up at his door to introduce myself, he knew nothing about me.
He denied I was his daughter.
He told me to "Go To Hell".
CAN I CRY NOW??!
Because of things I had no control over, I missed out on relationships with my siblings growing up. Adoption separated us and robbed us of our relationships.
Lost time never to return.
Can I cry now?
Someone else's dream come true is my most significant loss, yet I'm supposed to be THANKFUL FOR THIS LIFE.
Can I cry now?
I'm stuck in the middle of two families, feeling torn between the two yet never fitting into either one.
Can I cry now?
My birthday is like Doom's Day. Yet, I'm forced to put on a smile. It was the day I lost everything.
Can I cry now?
When I searched for my biological mother everywhere I went, and it was torture not knowing who she was or where she was. No one cared that all I wanted was HER. She was enough.
Can I cry now?
But her loving me "SO MUCH" was a lie too, because when I found her, SHE DIDN'TDIDN'T EVEN WANT TO GET TO KNOW ME.
Can I cry now?
It's been torture not knowing WHO I AM or WHERE I CAME FROM.
Can I cry now?
Everyone dismisses my broken heart because adoption is such a glorious thing.
Can I cry now?
For non-adoptees who tell me I should get over it, move on, or suck it up, or I'm just focused on the past, it's negative. Until you have walked one day in my shoes, you have no idea how being adopted feels. If it was that easy, don’t you think I would have done it by now? Who wouldn’t “choose” happiness if it was that easy of a choice?
Can I cry now?
Because I feel like the WORLD is up against me, and I have had to fight the world for my truth.
Can I cry now?
I will pretend when you see me, everything is OK because I've been conditioned to do that since I found out I was adopted.
But today, I want to ask YOU if I can cry now.
When all my pain has been locked inside for over 40 years because the WORLD GLORIFIES ADOPTION AND THERE IS NO ROOM FOR MY PAIN…
Let me ask.
Can I cry now?
Answer me, WORLD who glorifies ADOPTION…
Answer me, WORLD, who has no room for my PAIN.
CAN I CRY NOW?
I had to fight the WORLD and the CLOSED ADOPTION LAWS to find my TRUTH to move forward and HEAL.
Can I cry now?
Now that I'm not running from the pain of my reality, I'm learning to sit with my big adoptee feelings.
Can I cry now?
Since society, the WORLD, and everyone impacted by adoption denied me my right to grieve growing up, finally, at 41 years old.
Let me ask...
Can I cry now?
Remember, crying is healing.
Sharing feelings is healing.
WORLD WHO GLORIFIES ADOPTION…
You have to FEEL it to HEAL it…
CAN I CRY NOW? - Pamela A. Karanova, 2015
I wrote this in 2015 when I was 41 years old. (I am 49 now) I had just begun to scratch the surface of coming out of the fog, and I was tapping into my deep feelings about being adopted. I finally realized that the ways adoption made me feel were valid and legitimate. All the years of stuffing my pain came out in this piece. Finally, I realized nothing was wrong with me and that my feelings were valid for a non-normal situation. Nothing is normal about the secrecy, shame, and trauma from relinquishment and adoption.
Q & A
For my fellow adoptees, do you have any writing pieces that share the complex layers of the adoptee experience? Was it healing to write it? Have you shared it with anyone? Drop your comments below.
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. You can find it here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
Consider setting up a virtual one-on-one wellness table talk session with me if you need a lifeline or someone who understands. We can meet weekly, once a month, or once a year. You pick what works best for you. I added some more times for availability to accommodate those who want to navigate a healing journey and a better understanding of the adoptee experience. I am here to support you! Let me know if you need a different time than the listed ones, and I can set a specific time for you.
Click here to learn more and book your table talk today.
Here are a few Adoptee Remembrance Day articles I recommend reading:
Adoptee Remembrance Day: Today by Light of Day Stories
Before a month celebrating adoption, a day to recognize adoptees’ trauma by Religion News Service
Adoptee Remembrance Day by InterCountry Adoptee Voices (ICAV)
Adoptee Remembrance Day by Adoptees On
Adoptee Remembrance Day by My Adoptee Truth
Adoptee Remembrance Day Presentation by Brenna Kyeong McHugh
Adoptee Remembrance Day – October 30th by Bastard Nation
It’s Hard to Smile Today – My Tribute to Adoptee Remembrance Day – October 30th by Pamela A. Karanova
Adoption BE-AWARENESS and Remembrance By Mirah Riben
Adoptee REMEMBRANCE Day by Janet Nordine, Experience Courage
Adoptee Remembrance Day – October 30th YouTube Poetry Hosted By Liz Debetta
Listeners Acknowledge Adoptee Remembrance Day by Adoptees On
I write my substack blog (THAT CAPS GUY ADOPTEE FILES) about my complex relationship as an international (intercountry) adoptee and the effect finding my heritage has had on my relationships with my family. I have heard the "she loved you so she gave you away" stuff and I found out I possible was a child of assault, I saw my adoption papers and the letter I was rejected several times by the republic of Moldova for adoption even to be put up. I read that I was a medically complex child that weighed about 2.5 lbs when I was born. I will definitely be writing a blog post about that bc thats literally only the surface of the "Jacky Iceberg"
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