How Can a Natural Mother Make Amends?
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ASK ME ANYTHING COLUMN
How Can a Natural Mother Make Amends?
QUESTION:
I didn't want to relinquish my son, but I did. There is no getting around that. So I was excited to have a reunion when he turned nineteen. He was mildly interested.
For a few years, I thought things were going slowly but well. I told him he could ask me anything, and I had contact info for his father. He moved out of state, and I have never heard from him again. I sent cards but am still waiting to hear something. I am tormented not hearing from him, but I don't know what to do anymore.
It's been decades since I saw him. I learned his adoptive mother tried to sabotage his relationship with me and his siblings on both sides. I thought things were going well. How can I make amends? Should I persist or leave him alone? Thank you for any insight you can give." - Jessica, Natural Mother.
Dear Jessica,
Thank you for asking such a heartfelt question as a hopeful attempt to seek clarity and amends with your natural-born son. I want you to know that your readiness to open the door of communication to your son is appreciated and admired. I wish more natural mothers had this openness. Several things stand out about your question.
How Can a Natural Mother Make Amends?
The idea that you want to make amends is a significant element here. I think it's essential to fix your relationship with your son and allow you to move forward positively. While many adoptees do not desire this, I would have given anything if my natural mother wanted to make amends. Even if she attempted to make amends, it would speak to me in a significant way. I commend you for your willingness. As an adoptee rejected after finding both my natural parents, this is a gift, but for various reasons, not all adoptees are willing or able to receive it.
Acknowledge Your Mistake. It sounds like you didn't want to relinquish your son. Why? Admit that you have done something you regret, and take responsibility. What could you have done differently? This shows that you are sincere in your desire to make things right. Don't expect anything in return.
Apologize: Offer a sincere apology to your son. Be specific about what you are apologizing for and express regret about the decision that was made years ago. Were you forced? Did you not have choices? Or did you make a willing decision to give your son up? Don't expect anything in return.
Make Restitution: If there is anything your son requests of you or any way you can make things right, now is the time. This shows you are willing to take action to correct your mistake. Don't expect anything in return.
Change Your Behavior: Commit to yourself and your son that you won't abandon him again so you don't repeat what possibly feels like to him the same behavior. Don't expect anything in return.
Give Your Son Space: Respect his need for space and time to process his feelings. Don't pressure him to forgive you or move too quickly. Don't expect anything in return.
Remember making amends with your son is a process, and it might take time to repair the relationship entirely if it's repairable. So be patient in your efforts, and stay committed to making things right.
As a natural mother, I am sure this is extremely hard for you to process and navigate. My heart breaks for you and also your son. However, it would help if you remembered a few things while navigating this situation:
Your son had no choice in this monumental decision for his life, yet it can and does have a way of eternally and externally influencing every area of his life. That's a hard pill to swallow. He has every right never to want to talk to you again. All of his feelings are entirely normal for the situation. What's not normal is mothers signing their rights over to their babies. That's shattering and life-altering for adoptees.
I have learned over the last decade that male adoptees respond and process feelings differently than female adoptees do. Male adoptees seem to desire reunions at a much later age than your son. At times (not always), they harbor much more resentment and anger than female adoptees. However, being 19 is very young, so giving it time is a good idea.
He might have loyalty and devotion to his adoptive parents, who are the ones who took him in and raised him when you signed him over. When we are adopted, it creates a grievous split between two worlds. I know from experience that split is sometimes excruciatingly disheartening to navigate. Closing one or both doors is sometimes a self-preservation move.
His adoptive parents could have swayed his decision to open the door. As you said, "I learned his adoptive mother tried to sabotage his relationship with me and his siblings on both sides." That's profound, and something adoptees experience a lot. That all by itself is enough for him to shut the door.
Keep trying by sending birthday cards and Christmas cards each year. Could you let him know you are open to a relationship? You will be waiting if and when he is ready. This will let him know you haven't given up and the door is always open. Also, please always include your contact information if it changes, so he can contact you if he changes his mind.
Accept that he might not ever want a relationship with you. Maybe it's too painful, and the rawness runs too deep. Nevertheless, seeing you is a reminder of a deep wound that is likely unhealed.
To make amends with your son, are you expecting forgiveness in return? That could be the problem that he feels an expectation placed on him that he cannot give. But, to be transparent, he shouldn't be expected to give it either.
Hang tight to your memories with your son because they are more than many natural mothers get, and you might not get anymore.
Accept that all relationships take two people. If he isn't responding or coming around, give it as much time as you have. Finally, he gets to choose something in his life. It's about time. Don't be pushy, and be patient. He might reconsider, and he might not.
Some adoptees wait until their adoptive parents pass away to pursue a relationship with their natural parents. The divided sense of loyalty keeps their hands and hearts tied. Many adoptees don't want to risk hurting their adoptive parents and are scared of the boat being rocked. You should know that some adoptees get disowned and disinherited for searching. Some of us have a lot to lose.
The torment you feel is a torment your son might feel every day of his life. But he never made any choices in this monumental decision for his life; others did. This hurts, and as an adoptee, sometimes this pain is too much to face, which means you are too much to face.
Your willingness to want to make things right with your son should not go unnoticed. Thank you. Even when I understand his pain very well, I can somewhat understand yours. There is so much pain when it comes to adoption.
Accept that all you can do is keep the communication door open for your son. Life changes, people change, circumstances change, and he could change his mind.
Think about counseling for yourself. Big emotions might turn off your son or be too much for him to process, so you might want to save them for a therapist. Reality is, he shouldn't have to take on your heavy emotions, so the less heaviness you share with him, likely the better.
Consider taking your pain and creating a movement out of it to find purpose in your life's most tragic and heartbreaking experience. You could help others and, in return, help yourself. This could also show your son how much you wish things were different.
Start writing in a journal to your son, and when and if you connect again in this lifetime, share it with him. It will let him know he's not been forgotten.
Connect with other natural mothers. Connection with others who speak the same language and carry a similar pain can change everything.
I can imagine that as long as he is alive, you will hang onto the hope that he will change his mind one day. I suggest this because as long as my birth mother was alive on this earth, I would never give up hope that she would one day change her mind and want a relationship with me. But, unfortunately, the minute she died, that hope died too. And then, I was able to move on with my life.
Consider Reading: Hole in My Heart: Love and Loss in the Fault Lines of Adoption.
I wonder if that space is healthy, as the agony is all-consuming, but you can only decide that. However, if you can accept in your heart of hearts this might never be, and he might not come back around, it might do you some good to step into a space of acceptance.
That way, it will be a surprise if he does come circling back around. I know it's easier said than done, but ultimately he's the only one who can make this choice, and it's entirely out of your control. Keep in mind that the feeling that you have to wait on him to come back is likely the feeling he’s had to wait on you, but now he’s finally in control. Maybe the table has flipped, and now it’s your turn.
Consider Watching: Reckoning with The Primal Wound.
When it's all said and done, I have learned so much from natural mothers and adoptees worldwide. For over a decade, I have heard heart-wrenching stories, and the pain created by separation trauma stays alive for some adoptees and natural mothers for eternity.
As the world celebrates adoption and its totality, we live a lifetime in agony. I have taken my pain and created Adoptees Connect, Inc. Maybe you can think of something you can do with your pain and create a resource for natural mothers or, better yet, mothers.
If you can reach them before they contemplate adoption, offering resources, tools, and guidance that were absent for you and many others, maybe you could prevent adoption altogether. In a perfect world, we should all want to prevent adoption from happening.
We should all want mothers and babies to stay together.
Consider Reading: We Should Be Fighting for a World Without Adoption.
If you don't have the strength or passion to create something of your own, consider reaching out to Renee of Saving Our Sisters. She is a wonderful human, and I am honored to call her a friend. She can use your help, donations, and support; her mission is to keep mothers and babies together.
I have created a comprehensive list of Recommended Resources for everyone in the adoption constellation. Please read each piece and absorb as much as possible. In time, you will learn different layers of the adoptee experience to understand your son better.
Again, thank you for asking such a valuable question.
For my fellow adoptees and subscribers, I would love to hear your thoughts on this question. What did I forget? What are your thoughts and experiences? A collaboration of adoptee voices will shine a light on some of the dark areas of adoption, so please chime in below in the comment section.
Whether you're a free or paid subscriber, I'm excited to have you as part of The Real Adoptea Moxie Community, and thank you for supporting my work!
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
ASK ME ANYTHING COLUMN
Each month, all subscribers receive an “Ask Me Anything” newsletter — which will answer one or two adoptee-related questions from paid subscribers. Think: What adoptee healing tools have been the most valuable to you? How have you navigated the grief and loss process? What made you want to search for your biological family? How was your reunion once you searched? Do you regret searching? If you have a question for me, please email it to: pamelakaranova@gmail.com
Here are a few of the most recent questions:
Here are a few articles I recommend reading:
100 Heartfelt Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption by Pamela A. Karanova & 100 Adoptees Worldwide
100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption by Pamela A. Karanova & 100 Transracial Adoptees Worldwide
What Are the Mental Health Effects of Being Adopted? By Therodora Blanchfield, AMFT
10 Things Adoptive Parents Should Know – An Adoptee’s Perspective by Cristina Romo
Understanding Why Adoptees Are At A Higher Risk for Suicide by Maureen McCauley | Light of Day Stories
Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben
Relationship Between Adoption and Suicide Attempts: A Meta-Analysis
Reckoning with The Primal Wound Documentary with a 10% off coupon code (25 available) “adopteesconnect”
Still Grieving Adoptee Losses, What My Adoptive Parents Could Have Done Differently.