I'm Adopted, HELP ME.

The worst part about the whole thing is that everyone who says they love me the most and want the best for me has signed on the dotted line. They signed me up for this and then left me for dead.

Photo by Iluha Zavaley on Unsplash

Carrying unprocessed pain as an adoptee is something I and many of my fellow adoptees navigate throughout our entire lifetimes. I recently was doing my best to describe to a small group of fellow adoptees how it felt being adopted, trying to heal, and finding the right tools to help me heal after being left at dead ends every step of the way.

I stood up out of my chair and asked everyone to pretend I was blindfolded, and I pretended I was blindfolded. This represents having zero tools to navigate the adoptee’s experience of separation trauma and adoption trauma.

I am not done. 

Now, I pretended I had duct tape on my mouth, which represents being silenced and dismissed by the world that hasn’t been kind enough to allow my heartbreak, pain, grief, and loss.

Then, I threw my body up against the wall. This represented the torment it has been to be adopted and not know who I was or where I came from. I also asked them to imagine I had a straight jacket on and was alone in a dark room. This represents the agony, torture, and living hell that adoption has ignited.  

Imagine hours and hours and weeks, months and years (49!) pass by, which is precisely how being adopted, trying to figure it all out and find nonexistent healing tools, has felt like. I'm trapped in a straight jacket, in the dark, in a small room, all alone, with duct tape on my mouth and blindfolded. 

As if that hasn't been enough, the worst part about the whole thing is that everyone who says they love me the most and want the best for me has signed on the dotted line. They signed me up for this and left me for dead.

Society has left adoptees for dead.

Because of the decision they made for me, I have been left to have to figure life out with a straight jacket on, a blindfold covering my eyes, and duct tape on my mouth, all alone in a dark room to suffer in extreme agony, pain, and inconsolable grief left to die. 

Sounds so freaking extreme, right? 

Well, that's how being adopted in a closed adoption has felt to me. 

EVERY. DAY. OF. MY. LIFE. 

LEFT TO DIE.

So what now? 

Thankfully, little by little, resources are being created, and times are changing but not fast enough. Adoptees are still dying, and I know why. They can’t see past the pain. I was one of those adoptees, and I made it, so I can’t turn back now. I could easily skip off into the sunset, but I have a huge heart to help adoptees see their way out of the darkness, even if it’s just giving them a glimmer of light to hang onto so they can follow the light and emerge out of the darkness.

I have been illuminating the intersection of adoption, grief, and loss for almost two decades and I hope to spark more conversations about these crossroads that are very much intertwined. While most of us can agree that healing is a lifelong journey and challenging moments come and go, it's essential to understand why so many adoptees are stalled or stuck in the painful areas of the adoption experience. 

I can speak on this because I was one of those adoptees who was stuck for so many years, most of my life. Lack of resources and tools, adoptive parents lacking understanding of how to help me, and therapists who have been ill-equipped to help adoptees navigate the emotional roller coaster that most of us experience are just a few of the areas why I was stuck. 

To complex things more, I was dependent on alcohol for 27 years because I couldn’t sit with myself, my thoughts, or my feelings. Abandonment and rejection issues surface in really wild ways. I searched and found my biological parents all alone, and I was rejected by them both all alone. The pain was so great I couldn’t see past it. Addictions are a real problem for many people, but especially adoptees.

I carried a war within myself that most people can’t grapple with.

How was I in and out of juvenile rehab, group homes, a run-a-way teen, on and off probation a million times, in and out of rehab, seen counselors since I was five years old, and NO ONE HELPED ME?!

All the people who should have helped me didn't, and I, and many of my fellow adoptees, have suffered greatly and continue to suffer because of it.  

Consider Reading: Being Adopted, Failed Therapy Attempts & Therapying The Therapist.

I was also stuck because I needed all the pieces to my puzzle, and my adoptive parents and the adoption industry felt it was appropriate to keep the truth from me. This inhumane treatment left a gigantic wound that never healed. To heal, adoptees need to know what we are healing from. We're also groomed from an early age that we should be thankful someone took us in when our biological parents didn't want us.

If you believe in what's in the child's best interest, you will also want to go back to the very beginning of life for that child and consider their beginnings and even the pre-verbal life they once had. You will want to know as much as you can about the family history of that child, and you will also promote truth and transparency, where honesty is always the best policy. 

One of the leading life lessons most of us learn from our parents from an early age is to tell the truth. We are taught to be honest and that integrity is everything. 

But somehow, adoption is the exception, and it is almost always rooted in secrecy, lies, and half-truths. How is an adoptee supposed to make sense of this? It's a real mind fu*k if you ask me! 

You will also take into consideration the impacts of maternal separation at the beginning of life. I would go even a step further to say that if you have adopted or are considering it, you will do some deep dives into these areas so you are more informed on what you are dealing with. 

Consider Reading: A Deprivation of Resources Complicated By Adoption Secrecy Causes a Deficiency of Healing & Recovery for Adoptees.

I have a significant level of compassion for all of the adoptive parents who had no idea what they were getting themselves into when they adopted before the internet was so prominent. Before adoptees started sharing their stories, before podcasts, books, memoirs, etc., this is 2023. All those resources are readily available for all adoptive parents to dive into, and many are, which is a breath of fresh air. 

My adoptive mom made things about her 100% of the time and made sure I knew that my birth mother's sacrifice fulfilled her most incredible dream of being a mother. Her happiness always trumped my sadness. She said she loved my birth mother for her decision, but I was never allowed to express my love for my birth mother or my sadness from the loss of her. Even when my birth mother died, my adoptive mom sent me a card of condolences and made it about her, reminding me once again that without her sacrifice, I would have never made my way to my adoptive mom's care or lack thereof. 

Consider Reading: The Grievance of Being Kept Captive, Adopted to Caretake For My Mentally Ill, Pill-Addicted Adoptive Mom.

When our beginnings are suppressed and ignored, we don't have a fighting chance to come to terms with facing our feelings, let alone feeling them, so many adoptees adapt to some unhealthy lifestyle choices and behaviors. The accumulation of our unprocessed sadness, grief, and loss builds up, and we are carrying around unprocessed adoptee feelings everywhere we go. 

I don't know about my fellow adoptees, but that is a heavy load to carry throughout our lives. Because I write about challenging topics in adoption, I always strive to be real, even when the rawness behind my message can sometimes sting or hurt a little. 

I am true to myself, and that is an oath I have made to myself. I am no longer filtering myself, my missions, or my writings to make others comfortable. I am real, raw, and honest; people usually appreciate that about me. I never suggest I speak for all adoptees; however, from the feedback I receive, I am confident in saying I speak for many of us. 

I think, to an extent, we've all been left in the dark when it comes to the impacts of separation trauma and relinquishment trauma. Most adoptees have no idea what to do with their own complex grief, and big adoptee feelings and loved ones have no idea how to help an adoptee who is experiencing complicated grief. 

TODAY IS A NEW DAY.

WE MUST DO BETTER.

Adoptees should continue to speak up, share their stories, and be persistent in spreading the truth about the realities of adoption and how it's made them feel. They must bring their visions to life and create the life-saving resources we desperately need. They must continue to advocate to educate and help others understand the adoptee experience more profoundly. 

Some of us are farther along in our healing journeys than others, and we must remember those who have yet to make it to where we are. I feel like I have been screaming for help my entire life, and absolutely no one came running to help me. 

NO ONE.

When you experience an adoptee "acting out," there is a significant chance that, internally, they are screaming for HELP! 

We have to do better for the future generations of adoptees. They deserve adoptive parents who break their necks to understand them. We must continue to create waves in the adoption community by bringing the challenging sides of adoption to light. 

Adoptees carrying unprocessed pain can be incredibly dangerous for our mental, emotional, and even physical well-being. When we experience pain, whether it is from separation trauma, complex grief, loss, or any form of emotional distress, it is crucial to acknowledge, process, and heal from it. 

Here are a few dangers of adoptees carrying unprocessed pain: 

1. Mental health deterioration: Unprocessed adoptee pain can lead to a decline in mental health. It can contribute to the development or exacerbation of conditions such as depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). As an adoptee, our pain lingers and weighs heavily on our minds, affecting our ability to function and find joy in life. 

2. Emotional instability: Unprocessed adoptee pain can manifest as unresolved emotions. It may lead to uncontrolled outbursts of anger, sadness, or frustration. These emotions can become overwhelming, impacting our relationships, work performance, and overall sense of stability. 

3. Physical health complications: Our emotional well-being and physical health are deeply interconnected. Carrying unprocessed adoptee pain can manifest physically in the form of chronic stress, tension, and even somatic symptoms. It can weaken our immune system, impair sleep, and contribute to the development of various health conditions. 

4. Self-destructive behaviors: When we carry unprocessed adoptee pain, we may turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms such as substance abuse, self-harm, or engaging in risky behaviors. These behaviors provide temporary relief but can have severe long-term consequences, further complicating our lives. 

5. Interpersonal difficulties: Unprocessed adoptee pain can affect our relationships, making it challenging to connect with others on a deep and intimate level. We may struggle with trust, vulnerability, and communication, leading to strained relationships and a sense of isolation. 

6. Stagnation and missed opportunities: Carrying unprocessed adoptee pain can hinder personal growth and development. The energy and focus required to heal are diverted toward carrying the pain, preventing us from moving forward and seizing new opportunities. 

One story, article, and podcast at a time, we are creating a new era to provide young and adult adoptees the resources and tools to navigate the adoptee experience. We need everyone on board to want to make a shift and make changes to improve adoption experiences for adopted people. 

It's so easy to bury one's head in the sand and say, "But my adoptee doesn't have any problems! They are perfectly happy!" 

We have to get real about the impacts of maternal separation and adoption trauma. We have to learn to sit with the feelings and have resources created for adoptees when they are screaming for help. 

Adoptive parents should be open to receiving as much adoptee-centric input and advice as possible by connecting with adoptees, reading adoptee literature, and listening to Adoptees On Podcast or Adoption: The Making of Me Podcast. Please set up a Table Talk for a one-on-one virtual chat with me; I am always happy to connect with those in the adoption constellation to help better understand the adoptee experience. 

Please know that so many adoptees are walking around with absolutely no choice of their own, carrying a lifetime of unprocessed pain from the complexities of adoption. It comes out in wild ways and behavior patterns that aren't always healthy for us. Most of us are doing our best, considering the lack of tools, resources, and support we have received. 

Carrying unprocessed adoptee pain, complex grief, and loss keeps us stuck in the past, hindering our ability to create a fulfilling future. It is essential to seek support when dealing with unprocessed adoptee pain. For adoptees, we need this support from the moment we can understand, speak, and articulate feelings. As adopted children, we don't have the capabilities to find the language to navigate this process. 

This is where our adoptive parents come in by acknowledging we have countless reasons to grieve and process our pain due to the separation trauma every adoptee experiences before they are adopted. Professional help, such as adoptee-centric therapy, counseling, a mentor/mentee relationship, and a complex grief-informed adoption coach or mentor, can provide guidance and tools to navigate through the healing process. 

Consider Reading: Adoption: Grieve, Grow, Glo.

Please also understand that the prolonged complex grief that most adoptees suffer from has many health has long-term negative impacts on our physical, emotional, and mental health. No one should have to grieve alone in isolation.

Remember, adoptee healing takes time, but addressing and processing pain, complex grief, and loss is crucial for our overall well-being. Next time you experience an adoptee in pain, let us put on our hats of understanding because understanding is love. Remember, if adoption is love, so is understanding adoptees. 

Join the Adoption: Grieve, Grow, Glo Crusade.

Follow Us on Instagram: @grievegrowgloreadysetgo

Follow Us on Facebook: Adoption: Grieve, Grow, Glo

Use hashtags: #grievegrowglo #adopteesgrieving #adopteegrief #adoptiongrief #adoptiongrievingtogether #grievegrowgloreadysetgo

You don't have to grieve in isolation and alone. 

Let's grieve together, ready, set, go. 

Q & A

For my fellow adoptees, do you feel like you have been screaming for help in different ways throughout your life? What have you re in return? Have your adoptive parents been helpful? What could they have done differently? What can society do better when it comes to allowing you to share your unprocessed feelings? Drop your comments below.

For any adoptive parents following along, I would love to know your thoughts on adoptees carrying unprocessed pain. How have you helped your adopted child/adult process the pain they carry? Have you facilitated the grief and loss process to help them bring big feelings to the table safely and lovingly? Do you feel like you were equipped to parent an adoptee? Drop your comments below.

For any birth parents following along, I can only imagine how big your unprocessed feelings have been, especially with society expecting you to get over it and move on! What can be done better to help address the unprocessed feelings you have? What has helped you? Drop your comments below.

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Part of my vision for The Real Adoptea Moxie is creating a virtual emporium filled with adoptee-centric merchandise that has been designed and created by yours truly. If you are reading this you are the first to learn about this, and I am excited to share it with you soon. A portion of all the proceeds will be donated to the Adoptees Connect, Inc. DNA Kit Commit program because everyone deserves to know who they are and where they come from! The Real Adoptea Moxie first-class, unique, and exclusive brand will be filled with your finest creations for adoptees, by adoptees. There isn’t anything available like this for adoptees anywhere. Stay tuned for my first collection to be revealed and released soon. It is called the “KEEP IT REAL COLLECTION.” Coming soon!

I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.

For anyone in the adoption constellation, are you interested in setting up a one-on-one AdopTEA RealiTEA Virtual Table Talk Session with me? Visit my booking page here. If you don’t find a time that works for you, contact me directly at pamelakaranova@gmail.com.

I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. You can find it here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.

Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.

Understanding is Love, 

Pamela A. Karanova 

Here are a few articles I recommend reading:

100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption by Pamela A. Karanova & 100 Transracial Adoptees Worldwide

What Are the Mental Health Effects of Being Adopted? By Therodora Blanchfield, AMFT

10 Things Adoptive Parents Should Know – An Adoptee’s Perspective by Cristina Romo

Understanding Why Adoptees Are At A Higher Risk for Suicide by Maureen McCauley | Light of Day Stories

Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben

Relationship Between Adoption and Suicide Attempts: A Meta-Analysis

Reckoning with The Primal Wound Documentary with a 10% off coupon code (25 available) “adopteesconnect”

Still, Grieving Adoptee Losses, What My Adoptive Parents Could Have Done Differently. 

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article and podcast are that of the author, Pamela A. Karanova. These articles are for educational and entertainment purposes only. Nothing shared on this platform is to be taken as psychological, medical, or legal advice. Reproduction of the material contained in this publication may be made only with the written permission of Pamela A. Karanova. While Pamela hopes that you find the information on her website valuable and informative, please note- the information contained here is for general information purposes only. Pamela A. Karanova provides the information to have the information up-to-date and correct; she makes no representations or warranties of any kind, express or implied, about the completeness, accuracy, reliability, suitability, or availability concerning the resources listed on the website or the information, products, services, or related graphics contained on the resources listed on her website. Therefore, any reliance on such information is strictly at your own risk. Through this website, you can link to other websites which are not under the control of Pamela A. Karanova. She has no control over the nature, content, and availability of those sites. Including links does not necessarily imply a recommendation or endorse the views expressed within them.