Jesus Didn't Heal My Adoptee Wounds, But Accepting My Pain is Here to Stay Did
Trigger Warning: Suicide \\ When I accepted that my adoptee pain was here to stay FOREVER and that it would be a lifelong visitor, a vast, heavy covering lifted off me. This was when my healing began.
Disclosure Statement: If you are someone who considers yourself a Christian, Jesus Follower, Church Goer, or Religious Guru, Or if you believe your way of spirituality is the only way, I am asking you to save your comments, judgments, and opinions and share them on other platforms as there are many churches, online platforms, and religious circles that would love to use the glory in your story to promote their church and religion. Please don’t come here to use your story to discredit mine. This page and article isn’t for you. We are all free to have our personal spiritual beliefs and journeys. My space’s boundary is not allowing others to use their personal stories to belittle mine.
First, I am not knocking you or your beliefs if you are a believer, Christian, Jesus Follower, etc. Suppose it works for you, fantastic. It just didn't work for me. Second, I am sharing this article, so the adoptees struggling with this area learn they aren't alone. Third, I am not sharing it so others can shame me for my beliefs, or lack thereof, or try to convince me I am wrong and they are right. Those days are over for me, and I will not engage.
Now that I got that out of the way, I can press on with the article. I grew up in an emotionally and mentally abusive Christian residence, raised by a narcissistic, manic-depressive, pill-addicted Christian adoptive mom. I was taught that my flesh was not to be desired, and I should understand that aside from being born and abandoned by my birth mother, I was also born a sinner. As a result, the feelings of badness I have lived with most of my life have run deep!
Consider Reading: She's Bad
I have heard that I needed to "Give it to God" regarding my adoptee misery and the lifelong agony I felt not knowing who I was or where I came from. Yet, for most of my life, I had a relationship with Jesus and God and served my life away year after year in the church. I tried to "Give it to God" more times than I could count.
Throughout my life, through biblical teachings, I was taught not to trust myself, and my intuition was my flesh, and my flesh was terrible. So therefore, seek the Lord instead of my internal dialogue at all costs. I was taught I wasn't trustworthy, so my internal feelings of self-hate infiltrated many years of my life.
I recalled wanting to be healed so I didn't have to feel the profound, painful layers of the adoptee experience anymore. But instead, they consumed me daily, following me everywhere like a dark cloud over my head.
Frequently, I would find myself in the bottomless dark adoptee hole that intercepts all the light. The sorrow I always felt in this deep dark hole was consuming, and most days, I didn't even want to live. Over and over, I would ask God what I was doing wrong, never to get my healing.
"TRY HARDER," said the voices in my head!
"THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU," said the voices in my head!
"YOU AREN'T TRYING HARD ENOUGH," said the voices in my head!
"YOU AREN'T DOING IT RIGHT," said the voices in my head!
"YOU NEED TO BE MORE GRATEFUL," said the voices in my head.
While in the church, I learned I needed to pray more, fast more, serve more, tithe more, and be a more satisfactory person. NOTHING WAS EVER ENOUGH. I ran a rat race for most of my life trying to be good enough, and no matter how hard I tried, I always fell short. I internalized that I must not be doing something right in God's eyes because I wouldn't still feel deep sadness and sorrow about my adoption experience if I were. Jesus would have healed me by now! Instead, I was at the altar begging to be healed!
I was told over and over God would turn my pain into purpose and that no matter how I was feeling on earth, eternity was the only thing that mattered, so to hell with me and my pain. I was told God was the only person who could take my pain away, so I stuck it out with him year after year for the majority of my life.
I learned that the relationship with Jesus was the most important than any relationship I ever had, so that I would seek Jesus morning, noon, and night. I would play worship music in my house nonstop to keep Jesus going at all times. In addition, I would read the bible daily, spend time with fellow Christians, and read devotionals.
I was waiting for an eternity for a breakthrough to transpire, smiling for everyone around, but deep inside, I was a train wreck. If everyone knew how I felt, that I just wanted to die because my pain from unresolved adoptee wounds ate me from the inside out, they would kick me to the curb as my birth mother did, so I put on a mask.
I remember being a teenager, dying inside trying to find my birth mother. I was in absolute agony, and I asked Jesus to show up, and he never did. Then, seeing my adoptive mom try to die by suicide repeatedly in front of me as a child, I asked Jesus to show up, and he never did.
I asked Jesus in my 30s to please heal my mother's wound, it was KILLING ME, but he never did. It was deep, raw, and consuming every inch of me for my entire life. I now realize that Jesus couldn't possibly heal my relinquishment trauma because the reality is that some wounds are too deep to heal.
I concluded that maybe Jesus or God couldn't heal my mother wound because they were supposed to be "Father Figures" For my life. I couldn't put God or Jesus in the place of the mother I lost at the beginning of my life, BUT I PROMISE I TRIED!
The church insisted, Christians insisted, and IT DIDN'T WORK FOR ME.
God or Jesus didn't compare to my BIOLOGICAL MOTHER, and I was made to feel horrendous for coming to this conclusion. I was gaslit and treated once again that I was a sinner falling short, and it was my fault that I was feeling all the pain I was feeling. No matter what I did, Jesus never healed me or took my pain away.
I even had a close friend tell me I only had any feelings about adoption because I was listening to my FLESH, and as a CHRISTIAN, I SHOULDN'T LISTEN TO MY FLESH. So once again, I was wretched and doing it all wrong. As if adoption wasn't a mental mind fuck all by itself, add religion to it.
People in the church and Christian friends told me to keep trying, seek Jesus, and always put my relationship with him first.
"It's not about the religion; it's about the relationship," they shout!
"God is the only one that can heal you; Jesus is the only one you need!" they said.
I asked Jesus to come into my heart repeatedly. After all, I thought maybe I didn't do it right each time because I never received my healing. I prayed for Jesus to come to heal me, but several things about this Christian, Jesus believing life that missed the mark for me, and ultimately why I walked away from Jesus and Christianity together.
I have been silenced, shut down, invalidated, and gaslit by Christians and those who believe in God. I have been conditioned to be grateful that my abusive adoptive parents took me in when my biological parents didn't want me and that my feelings about relinquishment or adoption didn't matter. It's been exceptionally psychologically damaging on top of all the layers to the adoptee experience. I have been made to feel like I am crazy and choose to keep hanging onto the past.
Finally, after 44 years on earth, reality set in that it was undeniable that Jesus or God wouldn't heal my wounds from relinquishment and adoption trauma. I was tired of trying, so I walked. I started researching spiritual bypassing and how religious groups lean towards using spiritual practices to avoid dealing with reality and the truth. This resonated with me to the core of my being.
I learned that instead of spending my life trying to be healed "In Jesus's Name," I needed to shift my focus on learning to sit with my pain and stop trying to run from it! My eyes opened to the actuality that I had avoided dealing with the truth, and in all reality, the wound from separation trauma is too big to heal.
The lifelong abandonment, rejection, grief, loss, complex PTSD, anger, rage, and every emotion I had my whole life was sitting on the table in front of me. All the ways I had felt were entirely normal for a not-normal situation. Nothing was normal from being separated from my biological mother and family at the beginning of life.
Do you mean my feelings are valid?
Do you mean I'm not crazy?
Do you mean my emotions are all normal for the circumstances?
Yes, that's what I learned.
This is what redirected things for me, and the lights came on in an instant. This was a monumental breakthrough in my personal life and healing journey. I started the healing process by shifting my focus from trying to heal to learning to sit with the pain and acknowledge it.
When I accepted that my adoptee pain was here to stay FOREVER and that it would be a lifelong visitor, a vast, heavy covering lifted off me. This was when my healing began.
I could no longer believe in something that had let me down and caused me even more pain my entire life. Let’s not forget if my adoption was God’s plan, then he intended this trauma and pain to happen. I have many other reasons I walked away (promoting the buying and selling of babies, LGBTQ+ hate, lack of action on equal rights issues) because I grew a lot in my healing journey and started challenging everything I had ever been taught, which changed my views. I started to think for myself critically and evaluate my core beliefs.
If you are a fellow adoptee and a believer and have been able to master this dynamic consecutively, that’s great. I am happy for you, but not everyone shares the same experience. I am not here to negotiate or debate.
The reality is - I TURNED MY PAIN INTO PURPOSE!
I dug deep within myself to seek healing within MYSELF instead of depending on anyone or anything outside of myself to heal me. It was my job to heal and no one else's. I genuinely believe that after (without the truth, healing is impossible. we can’t heal from secrecy, lies, and half-truths.) I finally found my truth (after fighting the whole fucking world for it); all the answers I needed were inside myself. Unfortunately, living in agony from not having my truth stalled my healing for so long, and so did the spiritual bypassing practices I was conditioned to believe.
Sitting in my pain was challenging! Learning to process REAL FEELINGS that I had spiritually bypassed most of my life was a tremendous feat! Yet, the more I walked in acceptance that abandonment, rejection, grief, loss, anger, and rage would be lifelong visitors, the more I healed.
I have accepted I will never fully heal, and I embrace the feelings when they come. I welcome them, sit with them and process them in healthy ways. I no longer run from them or numb them with alcohol or substances. That process will differ for everyone, as our healing journeys are as unique as our fingerprints.
Consider Reading: Disseminating my Deconstruction with Religion, Christianity, Church, and Adoption.
If you are a believer and that works for you, I am happy for you. I am not here to try to change your mind, nor do I mean any disrespect to anyone's beliefs. This article is for those stuck somewhere in the middle of the madness, trying to understand how spirituality, religion, and their relationship with Jesus and God align with healing as an adoptee.
Jesus doesn't work for everyone, and it's time the world understands that. So today, I am thankful for my journey because I am no longer spiritually bypassing my reality or focusing on being healed.
Instead, I'm walking in the actuality that some wounds are too big to heal fully, and for me, the relinquishment trauma from the separation from my biological mother was one of those wounds. So today, I'm walking in my truth, and I am okay with the person I am. I love myself and listen to my intuition when all hell breaks loose.
I trust myself and follow my spirit and discernment on what paths I want to take in life. Finally, for once in my life, I feel more whole than ever, and the feelings of badness have dispersed into nothingness.
I have learned to lead by developing a relationship with my intuition. I have the determination to follow its guidance. I am great all by myself, and I don't need anyone or anything outside of myself to tell me I am anything less than great.
So, finally, after 48 years, I believe in myself. I am enough.
I have found solace and a sanctuary in Mother Nature, who HAS been the closest thing to filling the void from separation trauma from the loss of my birth mother. She’s been there from day one, where I run for refuge.
I chase waterfalls instead of altar calls. I go to church in the wild instead of the church of organized religion.
I run away from all the artificial and counterfeit relationships built on the counterfeit conditions I want no part of. My connections are now organic, and the people I allow in my sacred space are authentic. I am okay with my beliefs today.
I am not bad anymore.
For my fellow adoptees, I encourage you to follow your heart and your intuition. I want you to know that you are good, no matter what has happened to you in life or no matter what anyone has told you. Whatever you believe or don’t believe, you are good all by yourself.
“Pamela, WHO DO I BELIEVE IN NOW?” - asks the world.
I believe in ME.
Whether you’re a free or a paid subscriber, I’m excited to have you as part of
The Real Adoptea Moxie Community, and thank you for supporting my work!
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
Here are some of the writing pieces I’m the proudest of:
The Vital Contrast Between Relinquishment Trauma, Separation Trauma, and Adoption Trauma and Why We Should Consider the Difference by Pamela A. Karanova
Still Grieving Adoptee Losses, What My Adoptive Parents Could Have Done Differently. by Pamela A. Karanova
Considering Adoption? What Adoptees Want You to Know by Pamela A. Karanova & Adoptees Worldwide
I’m Adopted: You Can’t Take My Pain Away, Please Stop Trying by Pamela A. Karanova
100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption – 100 Transracial Adoptees come together to share feelings on how adoption has impacted them by Pamela A. Karanova & Adoptees Worldwide.
Adoptees, Why Are You So Angry? Over 100 Adoptees Share Heartfelt Feelings by Pamela A. Karanova & Adoptees Worldwide
How Adoptees Feel About Birthdays by Pamela Karanova
I Highly Recommend
Not My Adoptee, Yes Your Adoptee! by Sara Easterly
The Link Among the Brain, the Gut, Adoption, and Trauma by Maureen McCauley
5 Hard Truths About Adoption that Adoptive Parents don’t want to Hear by Louisa
Reckoning with The Primal Wound Documentary with a 10% off coupon code (25 available) “adopteesconnect”
ASK ME ANYTHING COLUMN
Each month, all subscribers receive an “Ask Me Anything” newsletter — which will answer one or two adoptee-related questions from paid subscribers. Think: What adoptee healing tools have been the most valuable to you? How have you navigated the grief and loss process? What made you want to search for your biological family? How was your reunion once you searched? Do you regret searching?
Would you happen to have a question for me? If you leave them in the comment section, I will consider answering them in my Ask Me Anything Column or email them to: pamelakaranova@gmail.com