Navigating Mental Health and Self-Care While Advocating in the Adoption Community
Advocacy is essential, but so is taking care of ourselves.
Being an advocate in the adoption community is a deeply personal and often challenging journey. As someone who has immersed myself in this space for well over a decade and a half, I know firsthand the emotional toll it can take. The adoption community is one where the stakes are high—where trauma, loss, and identity are constantly at the forefront.
I have canceled commitments, deleted social media pages, declined invites, said "no" when it wasn't easy, and let go of people, places, and things that no longer serve me well. I found myself feeling terrible, sinking into sadness and depression, but then I realized that I am in control of my life. I had to take a step back and reevaluate what truly matters to me. This meant making some tough decisions and changes to ensure I could continue to show up in the areas that are most important to me.
It's easy to find yourself so deeply embedded in this world that everything in your life begins to revolve around adoption. While advocacy is vital, it's equally important to recognize the need for a healthy balance. Without this balance, we risk spiraling into a deep feeling of being smothered, which can lead to serious mental health challenges.
The Importance of Self-Care in Advocacy
Advocacy is essential, but so is taking care of ourselves. I'll admit that I've been guilty of diving too deep into spaces that didn't serve me well. This immersion took a toll on my mental health, leaving me drained and overwhelmed. Add to this the tough seasons of life that we all experience—family challenges, work stress, or personal losses—and the chaos can quickly become unmanageable. But here's the truth: it's up to us to make changes for our emotional and mental well-being.
I've had to make some tough decisions to protect my mental health, and I want to share some of the changes I've made that have helped me find balance:
Eliminating Personal Facebook: Social media can be a breeding ground for negativity, and I found that my personal Facebook was not serving me well. By eliminating it from my life, I've created space for more positive interactions and reduced the constant influx of emotionally charged content.
Focusing on What's Most Important: I've chosen to concentrate on the adoption issues that matter most to me. By narrowing my focus, I can dedicate my energy to what truly matters without spreading myself too thin.
Saying No to New, Heavier Projects: It's okay to say no. Taking on too much can trigger old wounds and cause unnecessary stress. I've learned to recognize when a project is too heavy for me and to decline it in favor of maintaining my well-being.
Avoiding Triggering Online Spaces: Online spaces can be triggering, especially in the adoption community. I've made the conscious decision to avoid comment sections, forums, and groups that don't serve my mental health, which is almost 100% of them.
Disconnecting from Toxic Communities: Some spaces in "Adoptionland" are truly toxic. It's important to recognize these areas and the people who inhabit them. I've done a clean sweep—deleting, unfollowing, blocking, and banning people, pages, and places that drain my spirit and soul.
Toxicity in Adoptionland: What to Watch Out For
Unfortunately, not all spaces in the adoption community are healthy. Some individuals seem to thrive on baiting others into conflict, posting long-winded rants, and asking endless questions with no intention of providing resources or support. This behavior isn't just unproductive—it's dangerous. It gets people worked up without offering any tools or solutions, and many adoptees don't even realize it's happening.
It's crucial to be vigilant in these spaces. If you notice someone consistently creating drama, stirring up emotions without offering help, or dismissing others' feelings, it's time to step back. These behaviors are red flags, and engaging with them can only lead to more harm.
Finding Joy Outside of Adoption
Advocacy should be a part of your life, not your entire life. It's essential to seek fulfillment in areas outside of adoption. Whether it's a hobby, spending time in nature, or connecting with loved ones, finding joy outside of the adoption community is essential for maintaining balance. Purposefully pull away from "Adoptionland" and go find the things that bring you happiness and peace. If we stay in adoption spaces 24/7, it becomes unhealthy, and we risk inflicting that unhealthy energy onto others.
Self-Care Practices to Consider
To help maintain balance, consider incorporating some of these self-care practices into your routine:
Mindful Meditation: Taking time each day to center yourself can help reduce stress and anxiety.
Physical Activity: Exercise is a great way to release tension and improve your mood.
Journaling: Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be a powerful tool for processing emotions.
Connecting with Nature: Spend time outdoors to recharge and find peace.
Creative Outlets: Whether it's art, music, or crafting, find something creative that brings you joy.
Spend Time in Silence: Allow yourself moments of silence to reflect, recharge, and simply be present with your thoughts.
Hydrate and Eat Nourishing Foods: Pay attention to your nutrition and hydration, as they play a crucial role in your overall well-being.
Explore New Hobbies: Pick up a new hobby or interest that excites you, whether gardening, cooking, or learning a new language.
Seek Professional Support: Don't hesitate to contact a therapist or counselor for support, especially if you're feeling overwhelmed.
Practice Gratitude: Keep a gratitude journal where you write down things you're thankful for each day. This will help you shift your focus to the positive aspects of life.
Disconnect from Work: Make sure to take regular breaks and time off from work to avoid burnout, allowing yourself time to recharge.
Volunteer for a Cause You Care About: Engaging in meaningful volunteer work can be fulfilling and provide a sense of purpose.
Practice Deep Breathing Exercises: Spend a few minutes each day practicing deep breathing to reduce stress and center yourself.
Limit Screen Time: Set boundaries on your use of digital devices, especially social media, to reduce exposure to harmful or triggering content.
Establish a Daily Routine: Create a consistent daily routine that includes time for relaxation, exercise, and personal growth. This can help provide structure and reduce anxiety.
Prioritize Sleep: Ensure you're getting enough restful sleep each night. Good sleep is essential for mental and emotional well-being.
These are just a few that could be helpful. Remember, we are all in charge of how we take care of ourselves. Make sure you're you're taking care of yourself.
Grief Recovery Workshop Fall Spots Available - Will Fill Up Quickly!
Grief recovery for adoptees and others in the adoption constellation is profoundly important to me because it addresses the often unseen emotional wounds stemming from the loss of our original families and hopes, dreams, and expectations that have caused us heartbreak.
My favorite quote by Desmond Tutu is, "We have to stop pulling people out of the river. We have to go upstream and find out why they're falling in," this perfectly encapsulates why this work matters so much. Making the connection between adoption and grief was life-changing for me—it allowed me to understand the deep, unresolved pain I had been carrying for years.
Through grief recovery, I found a path to healing that didn't just treat the symptoms but addressed the root causes. It's now my mission to help other adoptees make this transformative connection so they, too, can heal from the inside out and build a future full of hope and understanding.
For those interested in deeper healing, I have some Fall Grief Recovery Workshop spots opening up soon.
If you're ready to take the next step in your journey, please register below.
Advocating for adoption-related issues is essential, but so is your mental health. It's crucial to find a balance that allows you to care for yourself while still contributing to the community. Do a clean sweep—delete, unfollow, block, and ban the things that drain you. Learn to be okay with not explaining why you have made these choices. Focus on what brings you joy and fulfillment, and remember that it's okay to step back when you need to.
By taking care of yourself, you'll be better equipped to support others in a healthy, sustainable way.
Self-care is the New Healthcare
Recently, I took a much-needed trip to Chimney Top Mountain in Kentucky with my 16-year-old dog, Oso, who has been my adventure buddy for years. We had an incredible time sipping coffee and water from the mountain tops early on a Saturday morning, surrounded by the breathtaking beauty of the mountains. The fresh air, grounding in nature, and the amazing views were not just a treat for the eyes but a true balm for the soul. I’m working hard at integrating my favorite and first love—nature—back into my life on a more full-time basis, and I’m reminded how healing these outdoor escapes can be. The mountains have a unique way of clearing the mind, restoring balance, and offering a sense of peace that’s hard to find anywhere else. This trip was a powerful reminder that self-care is indeed the new healthcare, and reconnecting with nature is an essential part of maintaining our well-being.
Q & A
As you reflect on the importance of self-care and the balance needed in advocacy, consider asking yourself and others: How do we ensure we're not losing ourselves in our advocacy work? What are the signs that it's time to step back and reevaluate our commitments? How do you personally find joy outside of adoption-related activities? Have you experienced the toxic side of online spaces, and how do you protect your mental health in these environments? What self-care practices have been most effective for you in maintaining a healthy balance? These questions are not just for reflection, but to encourage open conversation about how we can all better care for ourselves while continuing to support the causes we are passionate about. Drop your thoughts below.
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. It can be found here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,Â
Pamela A. KaranovaÂ
Here are some of the writing pieces I’m the proudest of:
Adoption: Mislabeled, Medicated, & Diagnosed Adoptees Could Be Grieving Profoundly.
The Perplexity of Forced Bonding in Adoption - I share my thoughts on the bonding process in adoption.
100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption - 100 Transracial Adoptees come together to share feelings on how adoption has impacted them.
Adoptees, Why Are You So Angry? - Adoptees share feelings on why they are angry.
Why Do Adoptees Search? An Adoptee Collaboration - Many adoptees experience why they choose to search for biological families.
100 Heartfelt Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption - 100 Adoptees come together to share heartfelt feelings on how adoption has made them feel.
My Friend Has an Adopted Child, and They Don’t Have Any Issues with Being Adopted - Shining a light on the comment so many adoptees hear over and over.
Here are some of the articles I have been featured in:
These Adoptees Refuse to Be Christian Pro-Life Poster Kids by Kathryn Post of Religious News Service.
Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben.
Before a month celebrating adoption, a day to recognize adoptees’ trauma by Religion News Service.
Bringing Adult Adoptee Issues to Light by Angela Burton of Next Avenue.
Disclaimer:
If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, please take immediate steps to ensure your safety. Contact a licensed mental health professional or text #988 for immediate assistance.
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