Pain, Purpose, Action & Finding Your Passion
Pain
One of the hardest lessons I have ever encountered is accepting being adopted and all the feelings accompanying it. But, at the end of every day, there was nothing I could do to change it, so the agony I was feeling wasn't going to get easier.
This meant that the sooner I accepted it and all the pain that went along with all the deep-rooted layers being adopted, the sooner things became more manageable. But for over three decades, I found myself running a rat race more focused on "being healed" than what I was healing from. ( heartbreak, relinquishment trauma, grief, loss, abuse, etc. )
Once I could shift my focus by acknowledging that my pain was here to stay, I could step into a new healing space. What this looked like for me will likely look different for each of us. But for me, learning to sit in the complex emotions I was feeling from abandonment, rejection, grief, loss, anger, and rage without using avoidance techniques or tools, the sooner my healing began.
I have accepted that I will be processing grief for the rest of my life and all the other emotions that come with being adopted. Acceptance has been the key to healing.
Purpose
Once I learned to sit with my pain and process it in healthy ways, then the magic began. I am not saying it's been a cakewalk. On the contrary, I have spent well over a decade of my life sitting in prolonged and challenging intentional self-reflection and self-work to evaluate my adoption story in a more well-rounded light. For over three decades, my pain was so significant that I couldn’t see past it, and I had little to no tools to work on it. But I finally feel like I can make sense of things. Well, most of the time.
During this process, I discovered that the adult adoptee community was essentially left for dead by the world. I can't even begin to convey how often I needed support or help and was left at a roadblock. I have always known that I am not the only adoptee who has experienced this. The lack of resources for adult adoptees is astonishing. Even the highest-paid adoption agencies who profit the most from adoptions have absolutely zero resources or tools for us. If you don't believe me, research and see for yourself.
One day in the Fall of 2017, I was on the verge of an emotional and mental breakdown struggling with many adoptee-related troubles that made me feel like I was suffocating. I had no tools or resources, and I was flat out sick and tired of therapying the therapist about adoptee-related issues. I was in a dark hole, barely able to make it out. My pain was smothering me, and I didn't see any way past it. Yet, I had a glimmer of hope to want to live, not for myself but for my kids and fellow adoptees.
I had a choice to make.
Action
I could take myself out of this world or get up and do something with this pain that's consumed me for an entire lifetime. You guessed it, and I chose to get up and put action into a long-time vision I had. Adoptees Connect, Inc. was created within a few months, and we hosted our first meetings in Lancaster, PA, and Lexington, KY.
For those that need to be made aware, Adoptees Connect, Inc. is my nonprofit organization that is 100% adoptee centric, operated by and for adult adoptees that launched a little over five years ago. We are designed to create in-person, location-specific connect groups where adult adoptees can gather once a month and share life. It's lovely to connect with fellow adoptees online, but it's a whole new incredible adventure to connect with them in real life, in person, and to get to know the person behind the profile. Adoptees Connect is where Adoptee voices meet.
How many of you have been to one of our groups or been a part of Adoptees Connect, Inc? How has meeting adoptees in real life impacted you?
I turned my pain into passion, and I made it happen!
In the last few years, the adoptee community has had more resources than ever, and the tides are turning. However, I have learned that many people have visions for some fantastic projects but need more substance in putting action behind them. I can share without a shadow of a doubt of spending over a decade in the adoption community that if we (adoptees) want any resources for ourselves, we are going to have to be the ones to create them! And newsflash: It's not FREE to create resources because time is money! The idea that we should be able to create adoptee resources out of nothing is absurd.
Food for thought: That mindset might have something to do with adoptees needing more resources. IJS.
Are you thinking about sharing your story by writing it or starting an adoptee-centric nonprofit organization? Whatever your vision is, it’s needed in the adoptee community. Adoptees are dying! So, I encourage anyone reading to consider making this decision because it could save an adoptee's life forever. Not to mention bring great purpose to your own life!
Purpose Leads to Finding My Passion
To say I have found my purpose in life is an understatement. No matter what I am going through in my personal life, sometimes I find myself back in that deep dark adoptee hole that revisits and has a way of consuming me. But no matter what, I always find that tiny glimmer of light that pulls me back out because I know I have a greater purpose in life that's much more prominent than myself. I remind myself that it's okay to "go through" something, but I know I can't allow myself to get stuck there. Finally, I can see that all the pain has been a launching pad for my greatest calling in life.
A great friend and fellow adoptee recently shared this poem with me, and I wanted to share it with you today.
Adoptee Poetry
Finding Purpose In The Pain
"Finding purpose in the pain is like seeking shelter from the rain, but the rain is from all the tears we cried when we were born and died the same day. No one sees our pain because we hide it well. We hide it because we feel shame, for we are the ones that feel it. What good is the purpose if we don't feel the pain?" - Lawrence P. | Adult Adoptee
Q & A
Have you discovered your purpose in life and found your passion for it?
What visions do you have for 2023, and what goals have you set to bring those visions to life?
Was it launched out of a lifetime of pain?
I would love to hear your thoughts in the comment section below.
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Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
Here are some of the writing pieces I’m the proudest of:
100 Heartfelt Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption – 100 Adoptees come together to share heartfelt feelings on how adoption has made them feel.
My Friend Has an Adopted Child, and They Don’t Have Any Issues with Being Adopted – Shining a light on the comment so many adoptees hear over and over.