The Truth About Adoption: Pretending Doesn't Make It Go Away
For adoptees, the game of pretending is not just a charade—it's a survival mechanism forced upon us. We go along with it, or we perish emotionally and psychologically.
“There comes a point where we need to stop just pulling people out of the river. We need to go upstream and find out why they’re falling in.” – Desmond Tutu
Hello to all who are interested in gaining a more current, genuine, and empathetic understanding of adoption. Let's discuss the act of pretending.
In the world of adoption, pretending that something didn't happen or doesn't exist is a pervasive and profoundly harmful practice. This illusion of erasure extends to our biological parents and families, the love and memories we share with them, and the critical medical history we should never have to live without.
For adoptees, the game of pretending is not just a charade—it's a survival mechanism forced upon us. We go along with it, or we perish emotionally and psychologically. It's either adapt or die. This narrative, supported by adoption agencies, laws, and often our own adoptive families, is profoundly damaging.
The Erasure of Biological Parents & Whole Families
From the moment an adoptee enters our new adoptive family, there is often an unspoken rule to erase the existence of our biological parents, grandparents, siblings, and extended families. This erasure is not just about forgetting names or faces; it's about pretending that these individuals who gave us life, who we share DNA with, never existed.
This denial extends to the love and memories that could have been shared, creating a void that many adoptees feel deeply. We are taught to see our adoptive parents as our only parents, which can lead to feelings of guilt and confusion about our biological origins.
Pretending in the Adoptive Family
Adoptive parents may engage in this, pretending to create a sense of normalcy and security. However, this involves denying the child's past and origins, which can lead to significant psychological harm.
Adoptees are forced to conform to the narrative that our adoptive parents are their "real" parents, and any longing for our biological roots is seen as a betrayal. This erasure of our biological family and history creates an identity crisis that follows us into adulthood and throughout life.
Scenarios of Pretending in Adoption
Family Gatherings: During family gatherings, adoptees are expected to act as if they fully belong, even when surrounded by adoptive relatives who share no genetic connection. The adoptee is forced to smile and pretend, suppressing any feelings of not belonging.
School Projects: In school, projects about family trees or genetic traits become exercises in fabrication. Adoptees are left to either disclose their adoption and face questions they may not have answers to or invent a family history that isn't ours.
Medical History Forms: At doctor's appointments, adoptees must navigate the uncomfortable reality of not knowing our full medical history. This crucial information is lost or inaccessible, forcing adoptees to pretend or leave blanks, which has profound health implications.
Cultural Events: When attending cultural or ethnic events, adoptees are encouraged to embrace the traditions of our adoptive family while ignoring or downplaying their own cultural heritage. This leads to a loss of cultural identity and a sense of disconnection from our roots.
Personal Milestones: Important life events like weddings, graduations, or even the birth of a child can become occasions where adoptees are expected to focus solely on our adoptive family, neglecting any desire to include or acknowledge our biological family. This creates an internal conflict and feelings of isolation.
Everyday Conversations: Simple conversations about family history, traits, and resemblances become moments of discomfort for adoptees, who must navigate the pretense that our adoptive family's history is our own, feeling like we are living a lie.
Holidays: Adoptees are only expected to honor one father and mother, yet we have many. Leaving our biological parents and families out of the equation creates a split, but one we have to keep inside and pretend they don't exist.
Grateful: Adoptees are expected to feel grateful and thankful for our adoptive families, yet no one ever acknowledges our lost beginnings before we are ever adopted. We are coerced to pretend.
The Role of Adoption Agencies and Laws
Adoption agencies and the legal framework surrounding adoption often support this culture of pretending. Sealed birth records and altered birth certificates are common practices that institutionalize the erasure of biological parents. This legal pretension reinforces the idea that adoptees should forget their past and accept a new, fabricated identity.
Adoption laws and practices often prioritize the adoptive parents' desire for a seamless integration of the child into their family. This includes changing the adoptee's last name, sometimes even their first name, and issuing a new birth certificate that lists the adoptive parents as the biological parents. This not only erases the adoptee's original identity but also creates a false narrative that can be psychologically damaging.
Psychological Harm and Societal Impact
The psychological impact of this forced pretending is profound. Adoptees often suffer from identity issues, attachment disorders, and chronic feelings of loss and abandonment. The pressure to conform to the adoptive family's narrative can lead to severe mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, and, in some cases, substance abuse. It's no coincidence that prisons, jails, and treatment facilities are disproportionately populated with adoptees grappling with unresolved grief and loss.
For many adoptees, the realization that our true identity and heritage have been hidden from us can lead to a crisis of identity. The feeling of not knowing who we truly are or where we come from can create a persistent sense of alienation and disconnection. This psychological toll can manifest in various ways, from difficulty forming relationships to struggles with self-worth and belonging.
The Birth Parents' Role in Pretending
Even birth parents can fall into the trap of pretending. Some believe that their children can be seamlessly integrated into a new family and that their roles can be replaced by strangers. This belief is often encouraged by adoption agencies and societal narratives that promote the idea of a "clean slate." However, this erasure denies the adoptee's right to their history and the inherent bond they share with their biological parents.
Birth parents, often influenced by societal pressures and the adoption industry, may convince themselves that their child is better off with their adoptive family and that their role in the child's life is negligible. This self-erasure can be incredibly painful for both the birth parent and the adoptee, who may grow up feeling abandoned and disconnected from their roots.
The Demand for Truth and Transparency
Pretending doesn't make the loss go away. It only compounds the harm. What adoptees need is truth and transparency. Every adoption should come with full disclosure of biological history, open records, and a recognition of the adoptee's right to know where they come from. Without these measures, adoption continues to inflict unnecessary harm.
As an adult adoptee who has been significantly harmed by this culture of pretending, I urge everyone in the adoption constellation to demand truth and transparency. Our well-being depends on it. The adoption machine must stop perpetuating lies and start acknowledging the full reality of what it means to be adopted. Only then can we begin to heal and build a future where adoptees are no longer forced to pretend.
Breaking the Cycle of Pretending
To break the cycle of pretending, we must first acknowledge the deep-seated issues within the current adoption system. Here are some steps that can be taken to move toward a more transparent and truthful adoption process:
Open Records: Laws should be reformed to ensure adoptees have unrestricted access to their original birth certificates and complete medical histories. This is not just a right but a necessity for understanding our identities and ensuring our health.
Education for Adoptive Parents: Prospective adoptive parents should undergo comprehensive education about the importance of maintaining an adoptee's connection to their biological roots. This includes understanding the potential psychological impacts of erasure and the importance of honoring an adoptee's history.
Support for Birth Parents: Birth parents should be provided with counseling and support to understand the lifelong implications of adoption. They should be encouraged to maintain contact and provide their children with as much information as possible about their heritage and medical history.
Adoption Agency Accountability: Adoption agencies must be held accountable for practices that perpetuate erasure and should be required to operate with complete transparency. This includes ethical practices in matching children with adoptive families and ensuring that all parties are fully informed and consenting.
Mental Health Resources: Accessible mental health resources should be available for adoptees at all stages of their lives. These resources should be tailored to address adoptees' unique challenges, including issues of identity, loss, and belonging.
Community and Advocacy: Building strong communities and support networks for adoptees is crucial. Advocacy groups can significantly push for legislative changes and provide a platform for adoptees to share their stories and experiences.
Moving Forward Together
Pretending something didn't happen doesn't make it go away. It only buries the pain deeper, making it more challenging to address and heal. As a society, we need to stop perpetuating the myths and illusions surrounding adoption and face the reality of what it entails. Only through truth and transparency can we begin to address the harm caused by the adoption industry.
For adoptees, this means embracing our full identities and histories, demanding our right to know our origins, and advocating for change. For adoptive parents, it means supporting their children in their quest for identity and understanding and recognizing the importance of their biological roots. For birth parents, it means acknowledging their irreplaceable role and providing their children with the truth they deserve.
Let's work together to build a future where adoptees no longer have to pretend but can live openly, with their complete histories acknowledged and respected. This is not just a dream—it's essential for the well-being of every adopted person. Let's advocate for truth and transparency in adoption for the benefit of future generations.
I invite everyone in the adoption constellation—adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents—to join me on a transformative healing journey through my one-on-one Grief Recovery Method workshops. These sessions are designed to help you process the deep-seated grief and loss that often accompany adoption, fostering a path toward healing and understanding. Together, we will navigate the complexities of our experiences and work towards reclaiming our authentic selves. Click here to learn more and take the first step towards healing.
Q & A
As an adoptee, how have you experienced or witnessed the erasure of biological parents in adoption, and what impact did it have on your sense of identity and belonging? Have you faced challenges due to lack of access to your full medical history or cultural heritage, and how did you manage these situations? What are your thoughts on current legal practices like sealed birth records and altered birth certificates—do you think they should be reformed or abolished altogether? How can adoptive families better support acknowledging and integrating biological roots, and what support systems were helpful or missing in your journey? Lastly, what steps can the community take to advocate for truth and transparency in adoption practices? Share your stories and insights to help us understand and work towards an ethical adoption system.
Re-Introducing the True to Life Greeting Card Collection, a unique line of cards specifically designed for Adoptees, NPEs, NPEs, LDAs, Donor Conceived, and DNA Surprise Individuals and for anyone who knows and loves them. These cards beautifully capture the complex emotions and experiences of the adoption journey, offering heartfelt messages that resonate deeply with adoptees.
Whether you want to acknowledge a birthday, celebrate an achievement, or simply offer support, these cards provide a meaningful way to connect. By sparking difficult but necessary conversations, they help bridge understanding and foster healing. Pick a card today and send it to your favorite adoptee, letting them know they are seen, valued, and supported.
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. It can be found here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
Here are some of the writing pieces I’m the proudest of:
Adoption: Mislabeled, Medicated, & Diagnosed Adoptees Could Be Grieving Profoundly.
The Perplexity of Forced Bonding in Adoption - I share my thoughts on the bonding process in adoption.
100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption - 100 Transracial Adoptees come together to share feelings on how adoption has impacted them.
Adoptees, Why Are You So Angry? - Adoptees share feelings on why they are angry.
Why Do Adoptees Search? An Adoptee Collaboration - Many adoptees experience why they choose to search for biological families.
100 Heartfelt Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption - 100 Adoptees come together to share heartfelt feelings on how adoption has made them feel.
My Friend Has an Adopted Child, and They Don’t Have Any Issues with Being Adopted - Shining a light on the comment so many adoptees hear over and over.
Here are some of the articles I have been featured in:
These Adoptees Refuse to Be Christian Pro-Life Poster Kids by Kathryn Post of Religious News Service.
Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben.
Before a month celebrating adoption, a day to recognize adoptees’ trauma by Religion News Service.
Bringing Adult Adoptee Issues to Light by Angela Burton of Next Avenue.
HUGS, Pamela, and others in this boat, lacking knowledge of your heritage, deep sympathies for these compounded devastating losses.
Thank you for taking sweet care of yourselves, summoning the courage to rise above, claiming your universal heritage to carry on in love, however you call that.
I feel your brilliant, creative shine, and am grateful for your energy, essence and arts💜
Fun synchronicity, in a recent “psycho sociology” podcast of mines, I shared the river story, which I heard at a Tony Robbin’s event, but mistake artist me, I couldn’t cite it further in the moment, and found myself apologizing for not knowing the original source. I was grateful for this cosmic alignment, and to be reminded by you who originated the river story🌻
7 days a week u r love/d✨
P.S. I apologize for my ignorance, I been trying to find, What’s your preferred method of communication these days?