To Non-Adoptees Who Joke About Wishing They Were Adopted
An adoptees beginnings are rooted in trauma, grief, and loss, and to joke about being adopted is hurtful and dismissive of our struggles.
As an adoptee, I have heard countless times people saying they wish they were adopted, who have families, but they just don’t like them or assume adoption would be “a better life.” This statement is not only insensitive, but it also invalidates the very real and painful experiences that adoptees go through. Let me also highlight that adoption can’t guarantee anyone a “better life.” Only a different one.
An adoptee’s beginnings are rooted in trauma, grief, and loss, and to joke about being adopted is hurtful and dismissive of our struggles. In order to be adopted in the first place, we had to lose everything first. Adoption is not a fairy tale story where everything magically becomes perfect.
Adoptees often face challenges such as identity issues, feelings of abandonment, and struggles with attachment. We carry the weight of our past on our shoulders, and to hear someone say they wish they were adopted trivializes the pain that we endure.
Statistics show that adoptees are over-represented in prisons, jails, treatment facilities, and mental health facilities. Adoptees are also four times more likely to attempt suicide compared to non-adopted individuals. These alarming statistics shed light on the hidden side of adoption, where many adoptees struggle with mental health issues and trauma.
I was sitting through a teenage youth church service about a decade ago, and I will never forget the youth pastor saying, "Most days, I wished I was adopted! Family can be difficult, but if I could swap families, it would solve so many issues!"
I am sure we have all met that one person who makes a joke out of everything. I have learned that many people like that have unresolved wounds that they deflect by cracking jokes every 2-3 minutes. That's how this youth pastor was, always joking, always making fun of something or someone.
I will not lie. It felt like a jab in the heart when he said it. It was because I was sitting in a room full of teenagers who now have heard a joke that adoption is seen as wonderful, yet I was on the struggle bus and always have been when it comes to my adoption story. I was blown away and somewhat disgruntled that he said this and made a joke out of it. He also knew me well and knew of my outspoken advocacy in the adoption community.
Since this experience, I have been confronted with many situations where someone cracks a similar joke, wishing they were adopted. I always feel in my mind and my heart that if they only knew how it feels to be ripped from your family of origin at no fault of your own, never feeling like you belong anywhere. The entire world is gaslighting you to be grateful that someone took us in when our parents didn't want us; they likely wouldn't say this.
Consider Reading: I’m Adopted, HELP ME!
Let's also take into consideration all the individuals who genuinely have no family or are in foster care who wish they were adopted and had a family of their own. When something like this is put into the context of a joke, do you realize how insensitive this is? While some individuals might genuinely want and need to be adopted, do you have any idea of what they had to experience to get to this point in life?
NON-ADOPTEES MAKING JOKES ABOUT ADOPTION ISN’T FUNNY!
Please take note that the avenue it takes to be someone who is adopted or needs to be adopted doesn't usually start with a pretty story. A lot of trauma, abuse, neglect, loss, and grief happens before someone is ever adopted. Making light of this is a disgrace to humanity and individuals with difficult roads to navigate.
Non-adoptees need to reconsider making flippant comments about wishing to be adopted. Adoption is a complex and often challenging experience, and it is not something to be taken lightly or joked about. Instead, let us educate ourselves about the realities of adoption and support adoptees in their journey toward healing and self-discovery.
While more resources are available now for adoptees, not all of us have access to the support and services we need. Society must become more aware of the struggles that adoptees face and advocate for better resources and support for our community.
I hope that as adoptees continue to find their voices and flourish to the point where they are telling their personal stories, people start to recognize there is more to adoption than the fairytale narrative our society has fallen for.
So please, think twice before saying you wish you were adopted. Adoption is not a joke, and it is not something to be taken lightly. Let us show compassion and understanding towards adoptees and their experiences and work towards creating a more supportive and inclusive environment for all individuals impacted by adoption. Adoption hurts, and it is time for us to acknowledge and address the pain that adoptees carry.
I encourage all my fellow adoptees and friends in the adoption constellation to share this article in your online spaces. Next time someone says this, consider dropping the link to this article. Hopefully, they will reconsider the next time they want to say something so insensitive.
Q & A
Dear Adoptees and friends in the adoption constellation, how often have you heard non-adoptees joking about being adopted in your life? How does it make you feel? How do you respond? I would love to hear your insights below.
EXCITING TIMES!
I have relaunched the How Does It Feel To Be Adopted? and the Ask An Adoptee platforms on Facebook. I had to take a break for some personal reasons. However, these platforms are moving again. Essentially, when they were created 12-14 years ago, I wanted to create a space where adoptee voices are front and center.
How Does It Feel To Be Adopted? was created for adoptees to ask questions from fellow adoptees as a way to seek advice, input, other adoptees’ experiences, and, ultimately, validation of how we feel as adoptees. There is so much to learn by reading these posts and comments, as well as chiming in ourselves as adoptees. Have a question for your fellow adoptees? Click here to ask the question by sending them to the inbox! Within minutes, you will have a variety of responses from adoptees who have similar lived experiences. Adoptees have the choice to remain anonymous or use their first name. Talk about a valuable tool!
Then, with that vision, I realized that many adoptive parents, biological parents, friends, and family of adopted individuals had questions for adoptees, and they were striving to seek a clearer understanding of the adoptee experience from the experts themselves—the adoptees. Not long after How Does It Feel To Be Adopted? was launched, Ask An Adoptee was launched. It serves as a space where non-adoptees can ask adoptees questions. If you are not adopted and have questions for adoptees, please submit your question to the inbox here. Another valuable tool for anyone in the adoption constellation.
They have both been wonderful spaces over the years and a valuable lifeline for everyone in the adoption constellation. Please jump on both of these platforms and take part in the benefits of heartfelt, adoptee-centric conversations where adoptee voices are front and center! There is so much to learn when we put on the hat of willingness and understanding. I hope you gain as much as I have from these platforms.
Father’s Day Is Around The Corner! I’ve launched an entire Father’s Day Greeting Card line for our biological fathers! Order sooner than later to save room for shipping! Don’t see a card that fits your story? Leave a special request here.
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. It can be found here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
Here are some of the writing pieces I’m the proudest of:
Adoption: Mislabeled, Medicated, & Diagnosed Adoptees Could Be Grieving Profoundly.
The Perplexity of Forced Bonding in Adoption - I share my thoughts on the bonding process in adoption.
100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption - 100 Transracial Adoptees come together to share feelings on how adoption has impacted them.
Adoptees, Why Are You So Angry? - Adoptees share feelings on why they are angry.
Why Do Adoptees Search? An Adoptee Collaboration - Many adoptees experience why they choose to search for biological families.
100 Heartfelt Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption - 100 Adoptees come together to share heartfelt feelings on how adoption has made them feel.
My Friend Has an Adopted Child, and They Don’t Have Any Issues with Being Adopted - Shining a light on the comment so many adoptees hear over and over.
Here are some of the articles I have been featured in:
These Adoptees Refuse to Be Christian Pro-Life Poster Kids by Kathryn Post of Religious News Service.
Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben.
Before a month celebrating adoption, a day to recognize adoptees’ trauma by Religion News Service.
Bringing Adult Adoptee Issues to Light by Angela Burton of Next Avenue.