Unruly Adoptee Anomaly, Unapologetically
I forfeit being quiet. I quit, so I am free, to tell the truth, as I see it. I don't claim to speak for all adoptees, but years ago, I made a pact with myself constantly to be true to myself.
Unruly: Simply not abiding by any rule. Headstrong, rebellious, difficult to control, feral, fierce, wild, speaking the truth, fearless, causing chaos in the adoption community.
Adoptee: One who is adopted.
Anomaly: Strange, unusual, or unique. Something that deviates from what is routine, conventional, or traditional. Outside of the box, shattering the fairytales in adoption.
Unapologetically: In a manner that does not acknowledge or express regret.
For over a decade now, I have fiercely committed to publicly slaying the popular narrative of Adoption. I have poured countless hours of blood, sweat, and tears into exposing the underbelly of adoption, the challenging topics no one wants to discuss.
Some might wonder how I can be honest, forthcoming, and courageous about sharing my story. But, let me tell you, it came with a tremendous cost.
Consider Reading: Why I Have A Blazing Passion to Tell My Story and What It Cost Me to Tell It.
Yet, when I think of all the adoptees who have died by suicide, I am constantly reminded that there is never-ending work to be done regarding adoption and bringing the truth to the table.
WE CAN’T AFFORD TO SUGARCOAT THE TRUTH
Consider Visiting: Adoptee Remembrance Day - October 30th.
While a decade seems like a long time to publicly slay the mainstream narrative of adoption, beneath the exterior, I have been consumed in the reality of adoption in my own life. As a result, I have a moral obligation to keep writing because, one article at a time, people are finally starting to listen to adoptees.
But, unfortunately, so much of journalism today skips over the hard truths, and they project the "Disney" version of adoption, which doesn't align with the reality of the adoptee experience for most adoptees.
One advantage I have that many adoptees don't is that both my adoptive and birth parents have passed away. Before they all passed away, we had non-existent estranged relationships.
This is unfortunate, yet it allows me the privilege to write when I want, how I want freely, without having to worry about being tossed out of someone's will or being disowned by the family I didn't sign up to be a part of, to begin with.
I have learned that, more often than not, adoptees can't share their truth publicly because they have one or more relationships with their adopters or biological parents, which puts them in a massive bind from sharing their truth out loud. So I get it; we have so much at risk and so much to lose.
This is where my mouthpiece comes in at. I'm the Unruly Adoptee Anomaly, unapologetically the one your mother warned you about. I'm the truth seeker and truth-teller, sharing the uncensored version of the adoptee experience. I have nothing to lose, and my unwillingness to continue playing the game of adoption is a testament to my growth in the valley of life.
I AM LIVING MY ADOPTEE EXPERIENCE OUT LOUD, NOT FOR ME, BUT FOR THE ADOPTEES WHO CAN’T SEE PAST THE DARKNESS. I WANT TO BE A LIGHT. Sitting in the corner and being quiet isn’t cutting it.
I forfeit being quiet. I quit, so I am free, to tell the truth, as I see it. I don't claim to speak for all adoptees, but years ago, I made a pact with myself constantly to be true to myself, including when and how I share my story.
LOUD
Having to censor my story to make others feel comfortable was never in the cards for me. Sharing parts of the truth but not all is a disservice to adoptees worldwide.
I sometimes express my story by sharing that I have been fighting the world for my truth since my grand entrance into the world began.
Consider Reading: The Fight of My Life
If you put adoptees on a scale of one to ten, with one being adoptees with little to no issues with being adopted and ten being adoptees with significant issues, I would rate myself as 100,000!
I also feel like I was born pissing people off because I have always been one of the non-compliant adoptees. I was born as an inconvenience to my birth mother, who likely wished I had never existed. I was raising hell as a teenager, wishing my adopters would send me back to live with my birth mother.
I have been unruly from the beginning.
I was disobedient, defiant, headstrong, and out of control for most of my teenage years and some of my adult life before I had my kids. The homes I grew up in were not loving, yet quite the opposite. I was angry and rage-filled, and I hated myself.
I was mad at the world and everyone in it.
I was a teenage runaway, addicted to alcohol and drugs at 12. I broke the law repeatedly and was dying inside, not knowing who I was or where I came from! I needed my birth mother and to know where and who she was; no one would help me. Instead, they gaslit me and expected me to feel grateful.
"Adoption loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful." - The Reverend Keith C. Griffith, MBE.
To say I have come a long way would be an understatement. The healing I have done in my journey is unmeasurable, and I have shed many layers that created a heart as solid as a rock. At one point, I had no tears to cry.
While my heart has softened, and I have cried inside for 48 years, processing adoptee trauma for the last decade, my tears have flown freely and finally started to dry up. Don't get me wrong, I still cry, but not like I did a decade ago when I first started coming out of the fog.
I still have work to do on myself, and I will be healing from the damage adoption has done for the rest of my life. However, I will embrace the unruly adoptee anomaly title with perseverance and rebellious determination because my voice and stance on adoption and the damage it has caused and continues to cause are vital and indispensable for the adoption community.
I have always been someone to go against the grain, creating my organic path in life, exploring life on life's terms living outside of the box.
One of my favorite poems is from fellow adoptee Steve Jobs:
Here's to the Crazy Ones:
Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. The only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things, they push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.
PROUD UNRULY ADOPTEE ANOMALY
Someone has to do it, and I have nothing left to lose; I have already lost it all because of adoption.
So I will continue to take the heat and raise the roof on the fairytale adoption narrative. And when I embrace the other arms of my fellow adoptees who are also raising the roof, I stand with them in solidarity because no one but us knows what it costs us to be able to share the truth the way we do. If no one has told you, I am so proud of you! With little to no family support, we must support each other. I see you, I love you, and I support you!
You are not alone!
No one knows what it costs to be me, but I, and no one knows what it costs to be you but you! So, if you have made it this far, thank you for supporting my work! If you are an adoptee, who lost it all to share your authentic story, I salute you, and I have mad love for you.
Keep sharing your truth; keep sharing your story.
ANNOUNCING IMPROMPTU MONTHLY LIMITED EDITION GIVEAWAYS
MAKE A CHOICE TO WEAR YOUR VOICE!
LIMITED EDITION: flash giveaways, blazing adoptee-centric unfiltered and uncensored, one-of-a-kind classic creations with rantings curated from my writings at The Real Adoptea Moxie. Each month I will be hosting a giveaway on my Facebook and IG page, so be sure to follow along for a chance to win this unique, one-of-a-kind creation geared at sparking conversations about adoption.
If you are an adoptee who has made it this far, please know that you aren't alone, and how you feel is normal for a not-normal situation. Nothing is normal about being separated from our birth mothers and families at the beginning of life.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. You can find it here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you, I love you!
Q & A
What has been the biggest hurdle for my fellow adoptees when sharing your truth and your story?
How have you pushed past this and been true to yourself? Drop your comments below!
Whether you’re a free or a paid subscriber, I’m excited to have you as part of
The Real Adoptea Moxie Community, and thank you for supporting my work!
I hope where ever you are in your adoptee or adoption journey, you know you aren't alone. If you need someone to talk to, consider setting up a table talk chat with me. I have intentionally set aside this time to listen, hear and validate others who might need support. Click here to learn more.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
ASK ME ANYTHING COLUMN
Each month, all subscribers receive an “Ask Me Anything” newsletter — which will answer one or two adoptee-related questions from paid subscribers. Think: What adoptee healing tools have been the most valuable to you? How have you navigated the grief and loss process? What made you want to search for your biological family? How was your reunion once you searched? Do you regret searching? If you have a question for me, please email it to: pamelakaranova@gmail.com
Here are two recent questions:
When Speaking to Adoptive Parents About Adoption
Ways to Better Understand and Support Adopted Teens
Here are a few articles I recommend reading:
100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption by Pamela A. Karanova & 100 Transracial Adoptees Worldwide
What Are the Mental Health Effects of Being Adopted? By Therodora Blanchfield, AMFT
10 Things Adoptive Parents Should Know – An Adoptee’s Perspective by Cristina Romo
Understanding Why Adoptees Are At A Higher Risk for Suicide by Maureen McCauley | Light of Day Stories
Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben
Relationship Between Adoption and Suicide Attempts: A Meta-Analysis
Reckoning with The Primal Wound Documentary with a 10% off coupon code (25 available) “adopteesconnect”
Still, Grieving Adoptee Losses, What My Adoptive Parents Could Have Done Differently.
My biggest hurdle was hurting my adopter- finally I said "F it" and started trauma therapy and started unraveling the abuse I suffered from both her and my sibling. Also the inspiration to share my story came from the mental health and substance misuse charity Puck Support in Canada and their founder Brady Leavold! I loved the charity as I experienced a lot of the same abuse he did as a child- and I watch his podcast Hockey 2 Hell And Back when I can! Seeing guests share their stories on his podcast encouraged me to share mine! I will no longer be silent about my abuse and trauma I suffered- no matter how much the world says "you cant have PTSD, when you always knew you were adopted" I know in my heart turning my pain into purpose will help me and others!