When Society is Uninformed On Separation Trauma, Education is Essential.

The time clock is ticking, adoptees continue to struggle, and their loved ones struggle to understand them. We can't afford to stay silent.

Photo by Iván Díaz on Unsplash

I have been coming out of the fog about my adoption experience for over a decade now, and one thing that keeps presenting itself is the lack of education regarding Adoption Agencies and Adoption Advocates on the traumatic experience of separation trauma from our biological mothers. Not everyone knows about separation trauma, so educating on this trauma is critically essential. The time clock is ticking, adoptees continue to struggle, and their loved ones struggle to understand them. We can’t afford to stay silent.

Adoptees Are Dying.

For those unaware, separation trauma occurs before a child is adopted and seems bypassed in conversations about adoption. When the world overlooks or lacks knowledge of this trauma, it has grave consequences for adopted people worldwide. It's time to step into a space of acceptance about this wound and for everyone to get on the same page about the consequences of neglecting such a deep wound created at the very beginning of our lives. 

First, we must understand that separation, relinquishment, and adoption trauma differ. I have learned that when we say "adoption trauma" when referring to our adoptee wounds, many people can't grasp how adoption can be traumatic. Society has painted a picture as if it is a “win-win” for all, leaving no room for the deep, tough topics brewing below the surface.

Explaining adoption trauma this way creates a large umbrella, but what if we break it down further to help others understand? Maybe people might say, "Help me understand why adoption is traumatic?" They don't know the complexities of adoptees' wounds and trauma. Implying that it's a "forgotten" trauma would mean one knew it initially to forget. What if we treat everyone like they genuinely don't know, and we take that as an opportunity to help them understand if they are willing to listen and learn?

Consider Reading: The Vital Contrast Between Relinquishment Trauma, Separation Trauma, and Adoption Trauma and Why We Should Know The Difference. 

I recently had a life-changing experience of speaking to the founder of a local adoption agency here in Kentucky that blew me away. We met for coffee at a local coffee shop, and she couldn't figure out why I would want to meet with her. I will be writing a more in-depth article about this soon, but for now, what I will share is that I put the reality of separation trauma on the table and some literature on it. I shared with her my role as an adoptee, and I create resources for adoptees who grow up and reach adulthood and need a lifeline to map out the trauma from separation and adoption.

Some of the hardest conversations we have open up pathways that have the possibility of a rewarding outcome.

Photo by Casey Horner on Unsplash

She said, "No one has ever talked to me about this side of adoption before!" She also said she had no clue what the primal wound or separation trauma was. She was very kind and receptive to hearing what I had to say as I gave her some resources and expressed her thoughts on this wound and how important it is to be informed about it before anyone adopts a child. 

This in-person meeting was one of the most challenging conversations ever. Still, those are some of the most important conversations we need to have with people—the uncomfortable ones.

We parted ways, and I realized one of the many root issues in adoption practices is that many agencies aren't informed on separation trauma, and if they are, they aren't sharing it with the parents who adopt these kids. This is a grave atrocity for adoptees and those in the adoption constellation everywhere. This is why adoptees sharing our voices is so critical. 

It is life or death for adoptees worldwide. 

Adopting a child with separation trauma from losing their birth mother can pose unique challenges and complexities well into adulthood and impact each adopted person differently. It is essential to be aware of the potential difficulties that may arise throughout the child's development, which can last well into adulthood and, sometimes, throughout an adoptee's entire life if they don't connect the dots on these complexities. 

Here are some problems that adoptees may encounter: 

1. Attachment issues: Children and adults who have experienced separation trauma may struggle with forming secure attachments. They might exhibit clingy behavior, fear of abandonment, or difficulties trusting others, including their adoptive parents and the world. Bonding with an adopted child is not guaranteed, and the adoptive parents must accept this before adopting. Being forced to bond with anyone is traumatic for the adopted child. Imagine feeling coerced to connect with a stranger you can't connect with. Most of the agencies won't tell you this. 

2. Emotional and behavioral challenges: Separation trauma can manifest in various emotional and behavioral issues. Adopted children may display anger, aggression, withdrawal, or other challenging behaviors to cope with their past experiences. This can lead to a lifetime of struggle for adoptees well into adulthood. Adoptive parents must be prepared to provide therapeutic support and interventions to help the child heal with an adoptee-competent therapist. Still, the first step is accepting that the child has been traumatized well before adoption. If you read the article above, you would already understand they are separate events. Most of the agencies won't tell you this.

3. Grief and loss: Adopted children and adults experience profound grief and loss due to the separation from their birth mother and biological connections. They experience loss from missing genetic mirroring, ethnicity, medical history, family information, and lost connections and relationships. They may struggle with feelings of abandonment, identity confusion, or a longing to reunite with their biological family. Society must create a safe space for the adoptees to process their emotions and provide ongoing support. The earlier the adoptee can process feelings of grief and loss, the better. Children don't know how to find the language or understanding to do this, so the adults must help them! Acting out can be rooted in grief and loss; it was for me, and I was in the dark about why. No adults in my life helped me. Most of the agencies won't tell you this.

4. Developmental delays: Separation trauma can impact a child's development, leading to delays in cognitive, emotional, or social areas. The impacts of this can be lifelong, especially when society, adoptive agencies, adoptive parents, and adoption advocates are uninformed. Adoptive parents should be prepared to work closely with professionals, such as adoptee-competent therapists or educators, to address these delays and provide appropriate interventions. First, they should consider stepping out of denial that they exist. Most of the agencies won't tell you this.

5. Parental challenges: Adopting a child with separation trauma can be emotionally demanding for the parents and the adopted child. When dealing with the adopted child's challenges, they may feel inadequacy, frustration, or helplessness. Maybe they never have healed from infertility issues, resulting in them not having their own children. Perhaps they don't feel connected to the adopted child, or the bond doesn't feel authentic. Let's face it, it's not. It's forced and not natural. Adoptive parents must seek support from professionals, support groups, and their social network to navigate these difficulties well before adopting a child. Most of the agencies won't tell you this.

In a perfect world, adoption wouldn't exist. However, that isn't the world we live in. Adoption agencies are a center point in connecting children needing a home with prospective adoptive parents.

While the world believes adoption agencies strive to provide the best possible care for children, I beg to differ. Almost all of them are ill-informed about the deep-rooted trauma that occurs before every child is adopted when they are separated from their biological mothers. They may not always have comprehensive knowledge about separation trauma. 

Separation trauma is the emotional and psychological impact experienced by children separated from their birth mother. It can result from various circumstances, such as abandonment, neglect, or forced separation. Children are stolen and trafficked all the time, and every single one of them carries this wound. It can have long-lasting effects on a child's emotional well-being, attachment patterns, and overall development. 

Adoption agencies and advocates for adoption may not fully understand separation trauma because of the complexity and diversity of each individual's experience. Like the founder I met with of the adoption agency, she had yet to research to gain as much education as possible about the topic. Maybe she didn't know, but our conversations sparked something inside her to start doing some research. Perhaps she will or won't, but I will continue to do my part by speaking out about this critical topic. 

Let's keep it real; bringing this to light could upset the adoption plan, which is a possible reason to miss out on money for the agency. Adoption is a supply-and-demand business, and no demand means no supply. They are the ring leaders of this multi-billion dollar for-profit industry. The more reality they share regarding trauma in relinquishment and adoption, the less likely people are to adopt. Follow the money.

During my time in advocacy for adoptees, I can't tell you how many adoptive parents I have had conversations with over the years who said the agencies never told them anything about the trauma from separation. They have been entirely left in the dark and failed at doing in-depth research of their own. Now, they are trying to see the light on a long, painful, dark road of caring for a child they aren't equipped to care for. It's incredibly devastating to the child who eventually grows up. 

Every child's background, history, and response to separation trauma can be unique. Adoption agencies typically focus on the logistics of the adoption process, such as legal requirements, matching processes, and post-placement support. While they may provide some basic information about potential challenges, they may not have the resources or expertise to address the full range of trauma-related issues. 

Adoption Agencies, Advocates, and Supporters of Adoption Must Do Better. 

I look forward to the day that adoption agencies and advocates are actively working to improve their understanding of separation trauma. Wouldn't it be wonderful if they would collaborate with mental health professionals, researchers, and adult adoptees who have lived experiences to enhance their knowledge and develop better support systems? Until that happens, adoptees must continue to speak out about how it feels to be adopted. 

Adoption agencies and advocates can better support adoptees in navigating potential challenges and provide appropriate resources for healing and growth by acknowledging the existence and impact of separation trauma. They continually evolve and must prioritize the emotional well-being of every adopted person by being transparent and upfront about this neglected trauma. 

Q & A

For my fellow adoptees and supporters, what has your experience been like in learning about separation trauma? Did you learn about it later in life? How has it impacted you personally? Drop your comments below!

I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.

I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. You can find it here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.

Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.

Understanding is Love, 

Pamela A. Karanova 

Here are a few Adoptee Remembrance Day articles I recommend reading:

Adoptee Remembrance Day: Today by Light of Day Stories

Before a month celebrating adoption, a day to recognize adoptees’ trauma by Religion News Service

Adoptee Remembrance Day by InterCountry Adoptee Voices (ICAV)

Adoptee Remembrance Day by Adoptees On

Adoptee Remembrance Day by My Adoptee Truth 

Adoptee Remembrance Day Presentation by Brenna Kyeong McHugh

Adoptee Remembrance Day – October 30th by Bastard Nation

It’s Hard to Smile Today – My Tribute to Adoptee Remembrance Day – October 30th by Pamela A. Karanova

Adoption BE-AWARENESS and Remembrance By Mirah Riben

Adoptee REMEMBRANCE Day by Janet Nordine, Experience Courage

Adoptee Remembrance Day – October 30th YouTube Poetry Hosted By Liz Debetta

Listeners Acknowledge Adoptee Remembrance Day by Adoptees On

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