Accepting the Coexistence of Joy and Pain in Life and Adoption
It just so happens that an adoptee's life begins with pain before it experiences joy. We experience loss before love.
Allowing joy and pain in our lives is essential to the human experience. Both joy and pain can shape us, teach us, and make us appreciate the depths of our existence. Still, in adoption, others overlook and gloss over the painful parts of the adoption experience, and many times they refuse to acknowledge the reality from the adoptee's lens.
Almost everyone I come into contact with has been impacted by adoption in some way or another. Maybe they have an adopted sibling or a co-worker who is adopted? Or one of their parents is adopted, or their partner is adopted. Most of the time, adoption is seen in the light of being a "win-win" for all, and the reality of the painful parts is swept under the rug and ignored entirely.
While there is so much work to be done in the adoption arena when it comes to elevating adoptee voices and creating adoptee-centric resources, being able to step away for self-care reasons is a critical component of the adoptee's journey.
If we're being honest, adoption isn't always butterflies, rainbows, and unicorns. It's challenging, it's messy, and it's heartbreaking. The aftermath is devastation from separating from our biological connections, not knowing our ethnicity or medical history, and falsehoods taking over our identities. Reunions are hard and complicated, and being accepted once we search and find isn’t guaranteed, nor is wanting to be found. It is a challenging path to navigate being an adopted person. We have no control over this gigantic thing that happened to us, and the world silences us every chance it can.
It just so happens that an adoptee's life begins with pain before it experiences joy. We experience loss before love. Then, we are gaslit by the world that only leaves room for the "happy" narrative, saving no space for our grief, loss, and pain being adopted people.
If we feel anything less than thankful, we are labeled ungrateful. When we share any snippet of how adoption has made us feel, we're silenced, shut down, and told, "Aren't you glad you weren't aborted? At least your mother gave you life!" Or better yet, "Here's the rope to go kill yourself since you aren't grateful for the life you have!" (yes, that was said to an adoptee on a message board.) The cards are usually stacked against us when trying to find our truth, and the people who should love us the most are the co-signing secret keepers, all in the name of love.
Trying to see the light being an adopted person can sometimes take a lifetime to map through this complicated confusion & chaos. Then, add the reality that most of the time, adoptees don't have resources or tools to work on trauma from separation, and all of these layers can stand in the way of finding ourselves.
For me, the entire concept of love was engulfed with loss, heartbreak, and misery. I accepted that I would die from a broken heart, and my pain was so significant I couldn't see past it most of my life. Everyone was celebrating my adoption, but I was dying inside, not knowing who I was or where I came from. It haunted me, living in the unknown, and at all costs, I was going to find my truth no matter who I pissed off.
Against the grain of the entire world, which seems to only celebrate adoption, with no support or guidance, I found my truth, and it ended up being the biggest disappointment of my whole life. There was more aftermath to navigate and heartbreak on top of heartbreak to try to find my way out of. Therapists failed me my entire life, and I was on my own, and I knew it.
It was clear to me that my life was built on a bed of secrecy & lies. Like many adoptees, this created havoc because anything rooted in dishonesty creates distance and turmoil. Internally, I felt defective, disconnected from myself, and even hated myself. I wasn’t good enough to be kept, and I wasn’t good enough to have access to MY OWN TRUTH AND STORY. It’s no wonder I was a run-a-way teenager, in the streets, locked up, in drug and alcohol rehab at 15, in group homes, detention centers, in abusive relationships, and had a 27-year drinking career with alcohol. I was at war with myself because I didn’t know who I was or where I came from.
The truth eventually comes out and must be dealt with in the future. Truth & transparency creates connection and openness. It creates trust and understanding, which is one of the greatest forms of love. With my entire being beginning in secrecy, shame and lies, I was up against the world, and I knew it.
I wanted to heal, and I wanted to feel whole, but how? How would I find this as an adopted person? In 2012, I started by eliminating 100% of substances that would numb my pain and disconnect me from feeling all these messy adoptee feelings. I did that for a decade. Ten years of my life, I spent alcohol-free after a 27-year dependency on alcohol. When I tell you everything got real, this would be a grave understatement.
The tsunami of emotions I had avoided processing my entire life showed up on my doorstep and infiltrated every part of me. I learned that if I didn't create a balance in feeling these feelings, I would easily drown myself in my sorrow because I did that for most of my life. What this meant for me was to acknowledge the pain, sit with it, and allow it to stay as long as it wanted.
Then, I chose to do something I love that was fulfilling that would be focused on my self-care routine. This was foreign to me, as adoption hasn't allowed me (and so many other adoptees) to tap into a self-care routine because we've been so infiltrated with grief, loss, secrecy, lies, and more. Allowing the coexistence of joy and pain when it came to my life, especially adoption, was an art I had to practice and become good at.
I had to walk into the sunset to find myself, and others likely thought I was running away from the pain. However, I was running into the pain of finding myself. I left many people, closed the doors on many chapters in life, and I most certainly had to choose to put myself and my mental health first.
I embraced that others wouldn't understand my decisions and accepted they didn't need to. No one knows what it cost to be me but me, so I didn't need to explain anything to anyone. My job was to find the tools I needed to heal, so I set off into the universe to find myself.
I learned that my body will tell me the path I need to take every time as long as I tune inward and allow my body and the spirit of my true essence to lead the way. This can be challenging for adoptees. Like many adoptees, I spent my entire life disconnected from my true self (the essence of who I am) because I didn't know who I was or where I came from. I didn't have all the pieces to my puzzle, only fragments of them. I learned the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, but I needed to be the one to see the truth instead of everyone else telling me, especially after being told so many lies along the way!
Then, when I finally started to find my truth, I started operating from my split self, which was part of my adoptive family and part of my birth family. I had a divided sense of loyalty, and I created alter-egos and pseudonym names and began identifying where I got some mannerisms from and what was picked up in my adoptive homes.
To top it off, I became consumed in religion, which added layers of disconnect between spiritual bypassing and teachings that influenced me to believe that my true self (flesh) shouldn't be trusted. I had a lot of deconditioning and deconstructing to do!
"Much of my confusion and sadness came from being disconnected from myself. The greatest journey I have taken so far is the one where I ended the alienation between me and all that I am, the one where I connected my light and darkness, where I united what I wanted to know with what I did not want to face. Only through this union and truthfulness did I begin to feel at home within my own being." (coming home) - Yung Pueblo
Yung Pueblo sums it up best.
Being able to walk life out and acknowledge that joy and pain can coexist has been one of the greatest gifts I have been allowed to give myself. To wake up each day and choose happiness while saving space for the pain has been a game-changer for me on my path to peace and healing.
At this stage of my life, pain from my adoption experience consists of intense, profound grieving and sadness throughout my day. I have recognized and acknowledged that my thought process is a thought. Most of the time, now that I am more seasoned, I can identify where my emotions come from, why they are there, and what triggered them.
I have given myself what the world didn't, acknowledging that my feelings are normal and natural for a not-normal situation. Nothing is normal about being separated from your biological family at the beginning of life and being lied to about who you are and where you come from.
I have saved space for grace for myself to welcome the painful feelings when they come and embrace the experience of processing them healthily, whatever that looks like for me. When the painful feelings come, I do my best not to react to them, yet I try to sit with them and understand them. I embrace them as part of me. Living in a society infiltrated by a positive culture, navigating painful feelings isn't always easy.
Most of the time, there is no roadmap for adoptees or healing tools, but one of the many things that helped me was navigating grief and what it felt like. Accepting that grief is a lifelong visitor, and because the dust has settled in my journey of failed reunions with my birth parents and estranged relationships with my adoptive parents, I have been able to choose to turn the page on those parts of my story.
Because I sat in that pain for so long, for so many years, I have given myself the gift of letting it go while also accepting I will be grieving for the rest of my life.
I also learned that the five stages of grief that we have all been taught don't always apply to everyone. I removed those expectations from my life as I felt pressured to "get over it and move on." At the same time, I believe that I should be the one to make that determination, not a set of guidelines on grief.
I can accept that in 1974, when I was adopted, things were the way they were, but I can't accept that it will be that way forever for future generations of adoptees. I get to define my grief and loss process, not the five stages of grief. While they have been a great guideline to some, I feel they are outdated, so I have set out to redefine grief my way as it embraces my soul and healing journey, and I embrace the process and learn to trust the universe.
It takes a lot out of me when I dive into writing about adoption and all these heavy and enlightening topics. In contrast, I pour into the world by trying to educate others on the adoptee experience. I have to fill myself back up in fulfilling ways intentionally. This is a critical piece to my life and healing journey.
Sometimes, I have been so consumed in adoption talks, conversations, etc., that I didn't save room to fuel myself and prioritize self-care. I am the only one who has the power to put myself first and slow down when my body is trying to tell me to slow down.
The moment I accepted my pain from relinquishment and adoption was here to stay was the moment I started healing. Then, the moment I decided to weave that pain in and out of the joy I experienced in life was another pivotal moment in my healing journey. There have been periods of my life over the last decade when I almost drowned myself in adoption, which was toxic and unhealthy.
Finding a healthy balance was vital so I could see the light while advocating for the adoptee community I love. Sharing healing tools is essential, just like sharing experiences and perspectives. Our outlook and path could help and inspire another adoptee, which is crucial because no one knows what it's like to be us unless they are one of us.
Some of the main self-care rituals I embrace on my healing path that bring me joy are, but are not limited to:
Going to bed early, getting up early.
Writing.
Sharing my feelings with someone I trust.
Connecting with Mother Nature.
Hiking.
Chasing Waterfalls.
Hammocking.
Grounding.
Climbing Mountains.
Hot Tea & Coffee.
Bonfires.
Sunrises & Sunsets.
Walking downtown or at parks.
Reading books & poetry.
Unplugging from electronics, including social media.
Shinrin Yoku, aka Forest Bathing.
Flying Kites.
Climbing Trees.
Coloring on the sidewalk.
Painting.
Kayaking
Plant Therapy
My list could go on, but you get the idea. This is only a piece of the joy in life because I have a bucket list of things I am doing and plan to do in the near future. This is essential because I need something to look forward to and fun trips planned.
Self-care in the new healthcare.
These are recent photos of Berea, Kentucky, on top of one of my favorite mountains. This was a magical hike, with a magical beginning to something amazing. I embraced watching the sunset and all the beauty it brought to my life while connecting with nature, grounding to the earth, and allowing it to recharge me from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. When I embrace things that bring me joy, I show up better for the world and, ultimately, myself.
I can't stress enough that accepting the coexistence of joy and pain in adoption and life, in general, is a decisive move for everyone who wants to be transparent about adoption. That includes our adoptive parents, birth parents, and each adoptee. Some of us can't find joy in our adoption stories, but we can find joy in life outside of adoption. If we haven't experienced it, we are the only ones who can create the life we want, so what are you waiting for?
ADOPTEE SPOTLIGHT
Check out my friend & fellow adoptee Simon Benn’s podcast platform, Thriving Adoptees! His podcast highlights Adoptee Voices and features adoptees from around the world. Simon is well-versed in his own journey and creates a platform for his fellow adoptees to share their stories and be heard and validated. If you are interested in learning more or being on Simon’s show, click here.
Q & A
What things bring you joy outside of adoption in your life? What are your top five things listed on your bucket list? How have you learned to navigate the coexistence of joy and pain in life and your adoption journey? What suggestions do you have for other adoptees who might not be as far along as you? Drop your comments below!
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. You can find it here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
Here are a few Adoptee Remembrance Day articles I recommend reading:
Adoptee Remembrance Day: Today by Light of Day Stories
Before a month celebrating adoption, a day to recognize adoptees’ trauma by Religion News Service
Adoptee Remembrance Day by InterCountry Adoptee Voices (ICAV)
Adoptee Remembrance Day by Adoptees On
Adoptee Remembrance Day by My Adoptee Truth
Adoptee Remembrance Day Presentation by Brenna Kyeong McHugh
Adoptee Remembrance Day – October 30th by Bastard Nation
It’s Hard to Smile Today – My Tribute to Adoptee Remembrance Day – October 30th by Pamela A. Karanova
Adoption BE-AWARENESS and Remembrance By Mirah Riben
Adoptee REMEMBRANCE Day by Janet Nordine, Experience Courage
Adoptee Remembrance Day – October 30th YouTube Poetry Hosted By Liz Debetta
Listeners Acknowledge Adoptee Remembrance Day by Adoptees On
I have found hockey is a great thing that brings me joy outside of adoption. 3 things on my bucket list are: See Ovi beat Gretzky's record in person (that MAY be happening when I see the Capitals in April 2024.) Score a hatty in a game (3 goals one game) and be on a podcast about hockey and mental health (side note- I just got a shoutout from the guy - Brady Leavold- who does the hockey podcast I want to be on in his Instagram live) He also runs puck support a mental health and hockey charity in Canada. I'm a simple guy- I like hockey and music. I wore my puck support shirt to the Dr today and my Dr loved it. Found out I possibly have to change medication bc of weight loss but ill get through it - One day at a time