In Adoption, We're Only As Sick As Our Secrets

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO KNOW WHO WE ARE WHEN WE DON'T KNOW WHERE WE CAME FROM.

Photo by Simran Sood on Unsplash

But what if adoptees didn't sign up to have our beginnings and history kept a secret? What if others made that choice for us? What if others who are not adopted are the secret keepers in adoption? It's absurd that we're raised to tell the truth and be honest, and integrity is everything, yet adoption is loaded with secret keepers, lies, and half-truths. 

ADOPTEES ARE DYING FROM THE SECRETS & LIES THAT PERMEATE ADOPTION.

For those who don't know, I spent a decade in the recovery rooms of AA and Celebrate Recovery, mainly to break a 27-year dependency on alcohol that I used daily to soothe my adoptee pain. 

I wanted to spend a specific amount of time working on my relinquishment trauma and adoption trauma, but I knew it wouldn't go well if I were using any substances in the process of deep trauma work. I know this because I tried it. Using substances and doing trauma work simultaneously is a recipe for disaster, and I mean that. 

I had a decision to make, and I knew leaving alcohol alone would be the only way to truly get to the root of my issues and work on them. I wanted this for myself, my kids, and my future grandkids. 

During my recovery process, I had to dig deep down, pull up all my traumas at the root, put them on the table, and confront them individually. And that's not all; I had to pull my birth parents' traumas out and my adoptive parent's traumas out and put them on the table too. However, this reality didn't unfold until I was well into my 30s because I had to fight my adoptive parents, birth parents, and society for my truth. 

Consider Reading: The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body Healing of Trauma.

HOW SECRETS STALL HEALING AND CAUSE DEVASTATION & DESTRUCTION FOR ADOPTEES

Most Adopted people don't know their truth, ethnicity, or beginnings. A lot of times, it's kept a secret from us by everyone who knows and loves us, as well as the state and the adoption industry. The idea that our beginnings don't matter is implemented into the adoption plan, and the birth mother and adoptive parents co-sign on the dotted line that the secrets are okay to keep and move along as if we're a blank slate. Not only that but more often than not, lies are added to the case file as an attempt to throw the adoptee off from ever finding our truth. I have seen this over and over again. 

Adoptees feel hopelessness and discouragement when we feel like our adoptions are shrouded in secrecy. Keeping the truth a secret from adoptees can make us physically and emotionally sick. It can lead to high stress and anxiety levels, negatively impacting our physical health. It can also cause mental health issues like depression and insomnia. It can create feelings of rage, anger, grief, loss, and complex PTSD. 

Adoptees often deeply long to know their origins, biological roots, and the circumstances surrounding our adoptions. Learning this information helps us learn our identity and better understand ourselves holistically. When the secret keepers keep secrets, it stands in the way of us learning these truths. It creates a massive disconnect from ourselves and leaves many of us stagnant in growth. 

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO KNOW WHO WE ARE WHEN WE DON'T KNOW WHERE WE CAME FROM.

Adoption is a complex and sensitive topic that elicits a range of emotions from all parties involved. While it can be a beautiful and loving act for some, no one can guarantee a better life, and it is not without its challenges that are rooted in separation trauma. One of the most common and deeply felt emotions experienced by adoptees is the pain of feeling that their adoption is shrouded in secrecy.

The pain of feeling that one's adoption is kept secret is multi-faceted. It can stem from a sense of exclusion as if a part of their story is being hidden or denied. It can also lead to feelings of insecurity, as adoptees may wonder why their adoption is considered a topic that should be concealed or avoided.

Moreover, the secrecy surrounding adoption can create a sense of shame or guilt within adoptees. I know this because I lived it. I always questioned my worthiness of being adopted or feared that the truth about my past was something to be ashamed of. This internal struggle has had long-term impacts on my self-esteem and mental well-being.

Ultimately, it is crucial to remember that adoptees have their own stories and emotions. Our pain should be acknowledged and validated, and efforts should be made to facilitate our truth, healing, and growth. By embracing transparency, empathy, and support, we can work towards a future where adoptees feel empowered and at peace with their adoption journey.

THE CONSCIOUSNESS OF THE SECRET KEEPERS

I examine the integrity of anyone who chooses to keep secrets in adoption. Adoptive parents, adoption agencies, and society must recognize and address this secrecy in adoption and analyze their role. Open and honest communication about adoption from the beginning can help alleviate some of the anguish adoptees may experience. By creating an environment where questions are encouraged, and adoptees are given the information they seek, we can help them navigate their journey of self-discovery with greater ease.

Adoptees should never be made to feel that their questions or desires for information are unwarranted or burdensome. Instead, they should be supported and guided in their search for truth, understanding, and connection. This can be done through support in access to their adoption records, counseling services, support groups, and other resources that can help them navigate their unique experiences.

In short, secrets can be detrimental to adoptees, adoptive parents, and birth parents' physical and emotional health, and it's essential to find a safe and healthy way to address and release them.

For the secret keepers in adoption, the secrets you cling tight to have the power to make you sick physically and emotionally. Keeping secrets from adoptees can lead to high stress and anxiety levels, negatively impacting physical health. 

When birth mothers and adoptive parents hold onto secrets, they may constantly feel the need to hide true feelings and thoughts from the adoptee, which can cause feelings of loneliness and exacerbate mental health issues. Hearing the adoptee's feelings, if they share them, can cause secrets to fester, and you question yourself, "Should I tell the information I know? Should I take this secret to my grave!" 

Evangelicals - Let me also share for the Christians and religious people who promote adoptions at the pulpit of most churches and around the world today - The God you believe in is a God of TRUTH. The word TRUTH is in the bible 333 times, so the truth is essential. While I am no longer a believer, for those who are, secrets and lies in adoption are from the devil because he’s the author of chaos and confusion. If you are a believer harboring secrets and lies, you are working for the enemy. When I was a believer, I knew God was a God of truth.

Additionally, secrets can often involve shame or guilt, which can be incredibly toxic to one's emotional well-being. The weight of these secrets and negative emotions can take a toll on mental and physical health and manifest as symptoms like headaches, fatigue, and digestive problems.

 ADOPTION TRUTH & TRANSPARENCY

Secrets in adoption can be detrimental to both physical and emotional health, and everyone in the adoption constellation must find safe and healthy ways to release them. We're only as sick as our secrets, so it's time the gatekeepers of adoptees' reality and truth release the information they know that ultimately has the impact of freeing everyone. Because adoptees don't make the choices in this life-altering deal, we need our adoptive parents and birth parents to get on board and understand that 100% truth and transparency in adoption is the only way adoption should be considered. 

Are you a secret keeper in adoption? Are you aware of the statistics of adoptees being 4x more likely to take their own lives? Did you know adoptees are over-represented in jails, prisons, mental health and treatment facilities? If you are a secret keeper in adoption, you are a part of this problem. 

Ultimately, it's never too late to get on the right side of wrong. If you are a secret keeper harboring an adoptee's truth that could be the key to setting them free as well as yourself, I urge you to step outside of yourself and into the shoes of an adult adoptee and have empathy and compassion for them.  

Tell the truth and all of it.

You could be saving an adoptee's life. 

Consider learning more about Adoptee Remembrance Day - October 30th. 

Q & A

For my fellow adoptees, how have secrets and lies in adoption impacted you?

Do you struggle with not knowing 100% of your truth?

How has this affected your self-worth and self-esteem?

Have you found your truth? What did you have to go through to get it?

I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.

I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. You can find it here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.

Thank you for reading.

Understanding is Love, 

Pamela A. Karanova 

ASK ME ANYTHING COLUMN

Each month, all subscribers receive an “Ask Me Anything” newsletter — which will answer one or two adoptee-related questions from paid subscribers. Think: What adoptee healing tools have been the most valuable to you? How have you navigated the grief and loss process? What made you want to search for your biological family? How was your reunion once you searched? Do you regret searching? If you have a question for me, please email it to: pamelakaranova@gmail.com

Here are two recent questions:

When Speaking to Adoptive Parents About Adoption

Ways to Better Understand and Support Adopted Teens

Here are a few articles I recommend reading:

100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption by Pamela A. Karanova & 100 Transracial Adoptees Worldwide

What Are the Mental Health Effects of Being Adopted? By Therodora Blanchfield, AMFT

10 Things Adoptive Parents Should Know – An Adoptee’s Perspective by Cristina Romo

Understanding Why Adoptees Are At A Higher Risk for Suicide by Maureen McCauley | Light of Day Stories

Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben

Relationship Between Adoption and Suicide Attempts: A Meta-Analysis

Reckoning with The Primal Wound Documentary with a 10% off coupon code (25 available) “adopteesconnect”

Still, Grieving Adoptee Losses, What My Adoptive Parents Could Have Done Differently. 

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article and podcast are that of the author, Pamela A. Karanova. These articles are for educational and entertainment purposes only. Nothing shared on this platform is to be taken as psychological, medical, or legal advice. Reproduction of the material contained in this publication may be made only with the written permission of Pamela A. Karanova. While Pamela hopes that you find the information on her website valuable and informative, please note- the information contained here is for general information purposes only. Pamela A. Karanova provides the information to have the information up-to-date and correct; she makes no representations or warranties of any kind, express or implied, about the completeness, accuracy, reliability, suitability, or availability concerning the resources listed on the website or the information, products, services, or related graphics contained on the resources listed on her website. Therefore, any reliance on such information is strictly at your own risk. Through this website, you can link to other websites which are not under the control of Pamela A. Karanova. She has no control over the nature, content, and availability of those sites. Including links does not necessarily imply a recommendation or endorse the views expressed within them.