Ways to Better Understand & Support Adopted Teens
Ask Me Anything Column: Dishing out AdopTEA RealiTEA one article at a time via The Real Adoptea Moxie
ASK ME ANYTHING:
Ways To Better Understand & Support Adopted Teens
QUESTION:
"My kids are entering their teen years, and my daughter especially has always grieved her mom deeply. I'm always looking for ways to understand and support her better. We are very different, and she struggles to feel like she belongs. If you have any advice or other articles to point me to, I'd appreciate it." - Larissa | Adoptive Mom
Dear Larissa,
Thank you for asking such a heartfelt question to help understand your adopted teens better. Your readiness to open the door of communication to understand the adoptee experience more profoundly from an adult adoptee is appreciated and respected. I wish more adoptive parents had this openness, but things are improving. Thank you for being an example of this.
Several things stand out about your question.
"My kids are entering their teen years, and my daughter especially has always grieved her mom deeply."
One is that you are openly aware that your daughter is grieving her mom, and you don't refer to her as a biological mom or birth mom. Instead, she's "mom." This tells me you are accepting that she does have another mom and that you likely aren't threatened by this but welcoming to it. This is HUGE all by itself.
If Adoptive Parents (APs) can't accept this initially, they shouldn't adopt a child.
Often, I hear APs remove the reality that the adoptees have another mother and father besides the APs, and they use divisive words and actions to make sure others know they are the only mom and dad. I also hear words of ownership towards the adoptee, which is disturbing all by itself.
I also commend that you are tuned into the reality your daughter is grieving her mom. I acted out severely as a pre-teen and teen, and no one made the connection that I was in pain from the loss of my biological mother. I was grieving her. I am so glad you have been able to connect these dots along the way. That's only going to help you help her.
ADVICE:
Does your daughter have an adoptee therapist who will understand the layers of her issues? If she doesn't, I highly recommend that as a first step. Here's an Adoptee Therapist Directory. Finding a therapist who understands separation trauma and adoption trauma is essential to your daughter’s healing journey.
You might already be aware of this, but the reality is that she will likely always be grieving the loss of her biological mother/family, and it is not something that's going to disappear. Acceptance that it is here to stay is a key, not only for you but for her. The idea it will "just go away" or "be healed completely" is a false reality, and the sooner it's accepted that the pain is here to stay, the better.
Once that is tackled, you and your daughter can learn how to sit with the grief when it comes. This is a whole art by itself. This is so important because sometimes these wounds are too big to heal, not that healing isn't possible. After all, it is. Still, the more we focus on being healed, the less we focus on the reality that separation trauma causes lifelong issues, and so does complex adoptee grief & loss. Therefore, I suggest getting to the root of separation trauma with a trauma-informed adoptee therapist. Another way to help her is to research and become an expert on separation trauma and how that impacts adoptees throughout life.
I encourage you and other adoptive parents reading to become experts on The Grief Recovery Method or Grief-related content and apply this to help your daughter learn to grieve her mother. Grief is so typical for the adoptee experience, so much so that it can smother us at times. It's heavy. It's overwhelming. It's a lot. But keeping it inside will not help. Reality is we start grieving the minute we are separated from our biological mothers, and this trauma is stored in our subconscious memories.
Consider Reading: The Darkness: Adoptees and Disenfranchised Grief
Grief looks different for everyone. It was anger, rage, self-hate, and self-destructive behavior patterns for me. I am sure you can identify grief in your daughter. Is she able to identify it as grief? Does she accept her feelings are a normal part of being adopted? Adoption is not normal; nothing about separating from our biological families is normal. Hopefully, she doesn't feel bad for feeling bad. Hopefully, her feelings are welcomed and not made to be a burden.
I wish one time in my life, my adoptive parents said, "It's okay to be sad you lost your mom. I am sad with you, and loving her is okay too!"
But, unfortunately, being the parent, opening these conversations about tough adoptee topics might be the only space she feels free to share her feelings. I suspect she's unsure how to discuss these complex topics, so leading the way at age-appropriate times as a parent is essential. But, of course, allowing her to not talk about it is also essential to let her ultimately lead the way. She will likely have pieces of her journey she doesn’t want to share with her adoptive parents, and that’s okay.
Would she be interested in writing a letter to her birth mother and saving it for the day she can give it to her? Would it help her to create a grieving box that she could fill with things for her birth mother?
As her parent, you can open up ideas on how to help her let her feelings out, like writing, poetry, art, journaling, nature hikes, etc. Talk about creating a self-care toolbox and help her fill it with things that work for her—yoga, meditation, walking, gym, etc. Connecting with other adoptees her age could be highly beneficial.
Grief will be a lifelong visitor for most adoptees. It’s important to understand that as bad as you want to take her pain away, you can't. Have you accepted this?
However, learning to sit with her, cry with her, listen to her, and know that this sadness will ebb and flow throughout her life, is an acceptance piece that will help you as a parent.
Another great article to consider reading: I’m Adopted, You Can’t Fix Me or Take My Pain Away, Please Stop Trying.
“I'm always looking for ways to understand and support her better.”
Another thing that stands out is your willingness to want to try to understand your adopted teenagers and also be able to support them better. While this should be standard in parenting, it doesn't always apply when I hear from adoptive parents. I appreciate your willingness.
ADVICE:
You should continue to connect with and possibly build a few close relationships with adult adoptees who hold a treasured piece to the adoption constellation. I have created a comprehensive list of Recommended Resources on my website for adoptees and anyone in the adoption constellation. I would read over every resource and follow every adoptee's website. Dive in with an open heart with the intention of better understanding the adoptee experience.
Your open heart to this idea will create a bridge that connects you closer to your kids. I recommend you listen to all the episodes on the Adoptees On Podcast, where adoptees share their adoption experience. Could you consider sharing them with your kids? I also recommend reading many articles by Robert Hafetz, an Adoptee therapist who shares many resources on his platform that dive into the complexities of adoption.
Most importantly, listen to adult adoptees. We hold the keys to our lived experiences, and many of us are willing to offer advice or suggestions based on our lived experiences.
"We are very different."
Acknowledging this and accepting it is so important. I have heard from endless adoptive parents who haven't accepted that their adopted child/teen is their own person. Not sharing DNA, they are bound to have different characteristics, mannerisms, etc. So many times, I see adoptive parents deeply upset the adoptee isn't their clone or mini-me because they hadn't stepped into the space of accepting that everyone is different.
ADVICE:
I advise celebrating your differences and continuing to welcome them as a part of your adoption experience.
"I know she struggles to feel like she belongs."
ADVICE:
Being adopted is a long and windy road that seems like it has so many twists and turns, it’s never-ending because we will never wake up and not be adopted. Feelings of not belonging are sadly normal for adoptees. I have never felt like I belonged in my adoptive or biological family. I don't have any shared history with my biological family, but we share DNA. I don't share any DNA with my adoptive family, but we have a shared history. It creates a bizarre paradox to be in the middle of, and no matter what anyone did to try to make me feel I belonged, these realities still exist below the surface. When push came to shove, I had to be the one to create the space in my life where I belonged. I've heard countless adoptees express the same type of experiences.
I am glad you honor and recognize that she struggles to feel like she belongs, and you are so open to all these dynamics as a piece of her story and challenges. It sounds like you acknowledge that all these things are impacting her, which is a massive puzzle piece. I hope some of these suggestions are helpful and that your willingness to support your kids continues to grow and expand as you all navigate life together.
Again, thank you for asking such a valuable question.
For my fellow adoptees and subscribers, I would love to hear your thoughts on this question. A collaboration of adoptee voices will shine a light on some of the dark areas of adoption, so please chime in below in the comment section.
Are you one of my subscribers, and do you have a question for me? Email it to: pamelakaranova@gmail.com, and I will consider asking it in the future.
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Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
Here are a few articles I recommend reading:
100 Heartfelt Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption by Pamela A. Karanova & 100 Adoptees Worldwide
100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption by Pamela A. Karanova & 100 Transracial Adoptees Worldwide
What Are the Mental Health Effects of Being Adopted? By Therodora Blanchfield, AMFT
10 Things Adoptive Parents Should Know – An Adoptee’s Perspective by Cristina Romo
Understanding Why Adoptees Are At A Higher Risk for Suicide by Maureen McCauley | Light of Day Stories
Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben
Relationship Between Adoption and Suicide Attempts: A Meta-Analysis
Reckoning with The Primal Wound Documentary with a 10% off coupon code (25 available) “adopteesconnect”
How I wish that my adoptive parents had even a sliver of the same kind of curiosity, caring, empathy, and compassion towards me. I've never been recognized or respected as my own person by them and my grief was never even a factor to consider. I was just a troublemaker, a burden, disobedient. Never worthy of understanding, just punishment. I grew into an overachieving adult who struggles with depression, anxiety, c-ptsd, and periodic suicide ideation. I'm still learning who I am at 47. All of your advice points were right on and honest, as well as your expressed appreciation for this parent's concerns. Thank you.