Adoptee Holiday Grief, The Gift That Keeps on Giving
I acknowledge complex grief will always be a lifelong visitor. There is a significant shift when I welcome it to come versus fighting that it exists. Making that choice for myself changed everything.
Nothing says "grief" quite like an adoptee during the holiday season. While so many people in and out of the adoption constellation are grieving for various reasons, rightfully so, a lot of times, adoptees are denied that right.
I always try to remember that sadness around the holidays is ordinarily seasonal, just like the holidays. The feelings usually come and go just like the holidays do. This distinction is significant because whenever I am at any low point, I say to myself, "This is something I am going through; I am not getting stuck here."
That alone can help immensely.
What I describe as a "war from within" I experienced most of my life as an adoptee plagued me. I would fight these big adoptee feelings, avoid them, spiritually bypass them, stay busy, work, work, work, and never be alone with myself, all so I didn't have to feel them.
Last year was challenging, and I found myself spiraling down into a familiar sadness that's been a lifelong visitor, especially around the holidays. The difference between last year and any other year was that I expected this sadness to come because I had accepted that my grief from my adoption and relinquishment experience would be a lifelong visitor.
Instead of running from it, I embraced it. I sat with it. I cried with it. I got honest with it. This has been a game-changer for me and one of the most pivotal power moves I have ever made. I also had many tools in my "self-care arsenal."
I was in the beginning stages of challenging life-changing arrangements that heightened everything else, especially many adoptee triggers. I was preparing to navigate the following year, moving away (not out of the city, just out of the same home) from two of three of my adult kids. Knowing this might be my last holiday, living in the same household as my kids, whom I raised from birth as a single parent, was a grieving process all by itself.
Then, I complicated things by adding the adoptee mix to it.
I grieved the loss of the nonexistent family that I wished I had. I was exceptionally sad that this impacted each of my kids profoundly. Then, seeing friends and familiar faces together with their families was hard to swallow: so many emotions, feelings, and sadness consumed me.
For me, the reality is that I have seen what family is like through other people's families. This is common for many adoptees, and it can trigger a sadness of what should have been, what was lost, and what we missed out on in our lives. We must remember that not every adoptee is adopted into a safe and loving adoptive home.
I usually want the holidays to be over. But this year, things feel different.
I now realize that the situation with moving was all-consuming and a significant life change. I had very little support in the making of these life-changing plans. It reminded me of packing up the 22-ft Uhaul and moving with my kids across the country away from all "family" back in 2005. These were some of the most complex decisions I have ever made. It was a challenging year, and now I see it all as being in the rearview mirror.
Something about "leaving my kids" made my adoptee abandonment wound trigger where half the time I was thinking logically. Half the time, I was consumed with feeling like I was abandoning my kids, even when one was 29 years old, and the other was 25 (I have twins that are 25). I kept having to separate the two, which was sometimes challenging.
While my kids have been amazing in a million ways, parenting as a single parent has been excruciatingly painful, not just for me but for my kids. The struggle has been real, especially being estranged from 99.9% of my "family." But my kids have been worth every minute. The sorrow is always beneath the surface because I wish I could have given them a family, but sadly, it’s just me.
I have never lived alone in my entire life, and at 49 years old, being a single parent for 29 years, with little to no family support, raising premature twins to adulthood and their older sister, I was ready to explore life on my own, for the first time in my whole life.
Being adopted impacts every area of our lives, especially how we parent our children. I had to step outside of myself and my inner child wound that is plagued with the abandonment experience from the loss of my birth mother. I had to get honest with myself and put a plan together to pull this transition off and help my kids get on their feet so they would be okay. I gave them a year's notice, but that year was a long, challenging stretch for all of us. Last year's holidays, we were amid this new reality with the transition coming, which was rooted in many fears for me.
Where was I going to move? Where were my kids going to move? What was the transition going to look like? The worst-case scenario kept plaguing me so significantly that, a lot of nights, I couldn't sleep, and I was riddled with anxiety.
This year, we have all moved apart, which is the first holiday season I won't live with any of my kids. I now live alone in a small apartment in an old Victorian house in downtown Lexington, KY. The struggles I was going through last year that consumed me are now behind me, and a new season is upon me.
It's noteworthy to acknowledge that non-adoptee-related situations and hardships can sometimes be magnified due to our adoptee root issues. And vice versa! The best part about this realization was that I could separate the two parts and try not to react when big feelings surface, yet instead sit with them and listen to what those parts (IFS) are trying to tell me.
Wildly, I am finally at an emotional place where I am excited for the holidays, but that doesn't mean I still won't have moments of sadness, grief, and loss as an adoptee. I have accepted that this is part of the adoptee experience and will be a lifelong visitor so I can welcome my big adoptee complex feelings of grief when they surface.
As many adoptees as I have come to know and love, I understand why the holidays are such a struggle, I feel the pain they feel, and I extend a hand of empathy and grace towards each of them, as I know many of them are hurting, with little to no resources, tools or hope that things will get brighter.
I hope to share a message of hope today that several years ago, I was convinced my broken heart from adoption and relinquishment was going to kill me. But today, I don't feel that way anymore. While I acknowledge complex grief will always be a lifelong visitor, there is a significant shift when I welcome it to come versus fighting that it exists. Making that choice for myself changed everything for me.
The war within has drifted off into nothingness for the most part. Instead, I understand my feelings, wounds, and parts more profoundly. I recently started EMDR therapy to work on some triggers that are a result of separation trauma, but I have heard 100% positive reviews from adoptees and EMDR therapy. I am hopeful that these triggers will become less and less.
Even after a lifetime of suffering from adoption and relinquishment, I am still constantly working on myself, trying to improve in all areas, especially the internal dialog I have with myself. Whoever said, "The only way out is through," wasn't lying. I am doing small things this holiday season, surrounding myself with my kids and close friends in my little space in the universe here in little old Lexington, KY. I hope to get out into Mother Nature so I can embrace her.
Thank you for being here for anyone who isn't adopted and might be following along! I am grateful you have made it this far and are following along. Empathy and compassion are the perfect gifts to give to an adoptee this holiday season!
For my fellow adoptees, please know you aren't alone in this wild ride of being an adopted person! You are not crazy for feeling the way you do! I hope whatever transpires this holiday season, you find a path to do the things you love that feed your soul and lift your spirit. Holidays are complex, so do whatever you need to take care of yourself!
I am sending so much love to all! I am grateful for each of you and appreciate you being here!
Don’t forget I have a gift for each of you! Click here to learn more!
Q & A
I would love to know everyone’s holiday plans! How are you processing your grief when it comes? Have you accepted grief could possibly be a lifelong visitor? Why or why not? Can you relate to any of this article? Drop your comments below!
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Let's grieve together, ready, set, go.
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
For anyone in the adoption constellation, are you interested in setting up a one-on-one AdopTEA RealiTEA Virtual Table Talk Session with me? Visit my booking page here. If you don’t find a time that works for you, contact me directly at pamelakaranova@gmail.com.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. You can find it here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
Here are a few articles I recommend reading:
100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption by Pamela A. Karanova & 100 Transracial Adoptees Worldwide
What Are the Mental Health Effects of Being Adopted? By Therodora Blanchfield, AMFT
10 Things Adoptive Parents Should Know – An Adoptee’s Perspective by Cristina Romo
Understanding Why Adoptees Are At A Higher Risk for Suicide by Maureen McCauley | Light of Day Stories
Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben
Relationship Between Adoption and Suicide Attempts: A Meta-Analysis
Reckoning with The Primal Wound Documentary with a 10% off coupon code (25 available) “adopteesconnect”
Still, Grieving Adoptee Losses, What My Adoptive Parents Could Have Done Differently.
I know so little about how to navigate this site I can’t even find my post and Pamela’s response!
this is my last holiday with them for possibly ever (long story short: A parent threatened to unlive me while driving the suv bc i told them they didn't know what "insinuate" meant after they said "I never said you were retarded" and I said "you insinuated it" and thy went on a tirade about how they have a master's degree in language arts and i told them that they're acting like a five year old throwing a hissy fit about a word that isn't even a swear.... but evey time i feel alone i can remind myself why i did it. for my mental and physcial wellbeing. it works out that I am converting to Judaism soon and my legal name and gender change is next month! also, my parent finally said they are taking me out fo thie will as it is too expensive to change my name in the document... i'm managing to just get through tomorrow and tuesday and then have them out of my life forever. also my documentations say I am emancipated so i really don't care at this point. it just sucks that that all happened over me saying they were insinuating that i was retarded and that they didn't know what it meant. anyway at least i wont have to buy gifts for any of them anymore.