Adoptee Remembrance Day - Oct 30th: The Fight for Truth, Justice, and Healing in Adoption
Adoptee Remembrance Day isn't just a day for adoptees; it's a call to ignite the entire adoption constellation and everyone beyond it to step up, understand, and get involved.
Adoptee Remembrance Day (ARD), observed on October 30th, is a day created out of necessity, grief, and love for the countless adoptees whose lives have been lost to suicide, abuse, mental health struggles, murder, deportation, and abandonment.
But more than that, it's a day to illuminate the disheartening aspects of adoption—truths that are too often hidden behind a façade of celebration and gratitude. ARD isn't just a day for adoptees; it's a call to ignite the entire adoption constellation and everyone beyond it to step up, understand, and get involved.
I've worked with adoptees for over a decade and a half. I've listened to their hearts and stories—stories that are often full of brokenness, of feeling unseen and unheard. So many of them are struggling in silence, feeling like there's no hope, no light at the end of the tunnel. These are not isolated cases; this is a recurring theme among adoptees, and it's one that we can no longer afford to ignore.
My Own Journey as an Adoptee
I am an adoptee, and I know firsthand how relinquishment trauma and adoption trauma can shape your entire life. I grew up knowing something was missing—the pain and longing to find my birth family consumed me for as long as I can remember. My adoptive home was emotionally, mentally, and sexually abusive, and I never felt connected or bonded to any of my adoptive family. I was nothing like them; it was like trying to force oil and water to mix. When I finally found my birth mother at 21, she made it clear that she didn't want to be found. Sadly, I experienced the same from my birth father. The rejection was profound. It cut deeper than any wound I'd ever felt.
I didn't find or have the fairy-tale adoption narrative so often promised. Instead, I found myself spiraling into years of addiction, running away from home, incarceration, and deep emotional pain. I was searching for my identity, roots, and truth. I felt like I would never find peace for most of my life, and agony and torment have been a constant companion every day of my life. Resources and healing tools for adoptees have mostly been nonexistent until very recent years, and they are still unavailable for many adoptees.
Consider Reading: Adoption’s Silent Pain: Why Most Adoptees Struggle Behind The Smile.
But through the years, as I've worked alongside other adoptees, I've realized that my story is not unique. There are so many of us who are walking wounded. So many of us carry the scars of separation from our birth families, compacted by secrets and lies from those who say they love us the most, and too many of us never find healing. I have heard countless stories of adoptees who, like me, felt the unbearable weight of abandonment, rejection, grief, and loss. Many never got the chance to tell their stories because their lives were tragically cut short.
Adoptee Remembrance Day was created for them.
Why We Need Everyone—Not Just Adoptees
I created ARD because I realized that silence was no longer an option. We need to bring these painful truths out into the open, not just within the adoption community but to the world. Adoptee Remembrance Day is for everyone—because this issue affects us all, whether we realize it or not.
Have you ever known an adoptee who struggles with being adopted?
Maybe you have a friend, a family member, or a coworker who's adopted. Have you noticed that something feels off—an undercurrent of sadness or a feeling that they don't quite belong? ARD is for you. It's a day for you to listen, to ask questions, to understand the depth of their pain.
Are you a therapist, counselor, or mental health professional?
You may have worked with adoptees without fully understanding the trauma they carry. ARD is for you. It's a reminder that adoption is not just about finding a new family and a legal paper transaction; it's about loss—loss of identity, loss of connection, loss of roots. Adoptees are overrepresented in mental health facilities because this trauma often goes unrecognized, unacknowledged, and untreated.
Are you an educator, doctor, nurse, or social worker?
You are on the frontlines of caring for and supporting adoptees, often without realizing the depth of their struggles. ARD is for you. It's a day to dig deeper, to educate yourself, and to approach adoptees with the understanding that their experiences are shaped by lifelong grief and trauma.
Why the Entire Adoption Constellation Needs to Get Involved
Adoptive parents, birth parents, siblings, extended family—you are part of the adoption constellation, and you have a critical role to play in this conversation. ARD is for you. You may think you understand what it means to be adopted, but there is often so much pain that adoptees hide, even from the ones they love the most.
Adoptees are dying. They are dying from suicide because they can no longer bear the weight of feeling unseen, misunderstood, and unwanted. They are dying from addiction because they're using substances to numb the pain of abandonment. They are being deported to countries they've never known, torn away from the only home they've ever had because they were adopted without being granted citizenship. They are languishing in mental health facilities, group homes, and the Troubled Teen Industry (TTI)—a for-profit system that exploits their vulnerability. Adoptees are being abused, tortured, and neglected in endless adoptive homes that promise a safe and loving home. These stories are not anomalies; they are everyday realities for so many adoptees.
Consider Reading: Head Logic Won’t Heal A Broken Heart: Emotional Gaslighting & Why Emotions Matter In Adoptee Grief & Loss.
Over a decade and a half of working with adoptees has shown me one heart-wrenching truth: So many of us are broken-hearted and have lost hope. We can't afford to stay silent anymore, to keep these stories hidden. We need you—all of you—to help us bring these issues to light.
ARD: A Day of Reckoning and Reflection
Adoptee Remembrance Day was not created to dwell solely on tragedy. It's a day for action, awareness, and change. It's a day to reckon with the disheartening truths of adoption, but it's also a day to reflect on how we can do better—how we can create a world where adoptees aren't left behind, where their pain is acknowledged, and where their voices are heard.
Are you an educator? ARD is designed to help you better understand the emotional and psychological toll that adoption takes on students in your classroom.
Are you a lawmaker or advocate? ARD is for you to push for laws that protect adoptees—laws around citizenship, access to birth records, and protections against being funneled into systems like the Troubled Teen Industry.
Are you a healthcare provider? ARD is for you to recognize that adoption trauma doesn't just affect mental health—it manifests physically as well. Adoptees need holistic care that takes their unique experiences into account.
OBC Legislation
Adoptee Remembrance Day is also a time to highlight the outdated and unjust laws that continue to prevent many adoptees across the United States from accessing their original birth certificates (OBCs) and uncovering their truths. As of September 2024, 15 states allow adoptees to obtain their OBCs without discriminatory restrictions: Alabama, Alaska, Colorado, Connecticut, Kansas, Maine, New Hampshire, New York, Oregon, Rhode Island, and Minnesota, which became the 15th state on July 1, 2024.
While these states have taken critical steps toward transparency and equality, there are still many states that enforce restrictive laws, keeping adoptees in the dark about their origins. These outdated laws perpetuate the secrecy and shame that adoptees have suffered for far too long. It's time for every state to open access, recognize the harm caused by withholding this information, and ensure adoptees can claim their rightful place in their own histories. We need to push for change and end the secrecy once and for all.
A Plea for Action: We Can't Afford to Lose More Adoptees
Too many adoptees have died without their stories being told, without their pain being acknowledged. We can't afford to lose any more. The time to act is now. ARD is a day to honor the adoptees we've lost, but it's also a day to prevent future losses. It's a day to ask, "What can we do to ensure no more adoptees feel invisible, unloved, or hopeless?"
Ways to get involved
There are many ways you can get involved in Adoptee Remembrance Day (ARD) and help make a difference. First, you can participate by attending virtual or in-person candlelight vigils that honor the lives of adoptees we've lost. As of now, I am aware that Unraveling Adoption is hosting a vigil. Follow them to learn more. Share ARD on social media, using hashtags and spreading awareness to educate others about the realities adoptees face. If you're an artist, writer, or musician, consider creating something that memorializes adoptees and their stories.
You can also advocate for legislative change by contacting your state representatives to push for open access to original birth certificates and to support bills that protect adoptees, such as The Adoptee Citizenship Act.
Additionally, mental health professionals, educators, and those who work with adoptees can take time to educate themselves on the complexities of adoption trauma, ensuring that adoptees feel seen and supported in their fields. Every action, big or small, helps amplify the voices of adoptees and bring much-needed attention to the injustices within the adoption system.
Visit the Adoptee Remembrance Day website for a comprehensive list of ways to get involved and help raise awareness about this critical day.
We need you.
Whether you are part of the adoption constellation or not, ARD is a day for you to get involved. Light a candle, host a bonfire, wear yellow, post on social media, invite others to the event on Facebook, share a story, and raise awareness. Please help us bring these stories to light, to stand with us, and to help prevent more tragedies.
Adoptee Remembrance Day honors those we've lost but also fights for those who are still with us. Let's work together to ensure no more adoptees are forgotten or left to struggle in silence.
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. It can be found here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
Here are some of the writing pieces I’m the proudest of:
Adoption: Mislabeled, Medicated, & Diagnosed Adoptees Could Be Grieving Profoundly.
The Perplexity of Forced Bonding in Adoption - I share my thoughts on the bonding process in adoption.
100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption - 100 Transracial Adoptees come together to share feelings on how adoption has impacted them.
Adoptees, Why Are You So Angry? - Adoptees share feelings on why they are angry.
Why Do Adoptees Search? An Adoptee Collaboration - Many adoptees experience why they choose to search for biological families.
100 Heartfelt Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption - 100 Adoptees come together to share heartfelt feelings on how adoption has made them feel.
My Friend Has an Adopted Child, and They Don’t Have Any Issues with Being Adopted - Shining a light on the comment so many adoptees hear over and over.
Here are some of the articles I have been featured in:
These Adoptees Refuse to Be Christian Pro-Life Poster Kids by Kathryn Post of Religious News Service.
Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben.
Before a month celebrating adoption, a day to recognize adoptees’ trauma by Religion News Service.
Bringing Adult Adoptee Issues to Light by Angela Burton of Next Avenue.
Disclaimer:
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Thank you Pamela!❤️🙏