Adoption's Silent Pain: Why Most Adoptees Struggle Behind the Smiles

The complexities of separation trauma and adoption leave adoptees feeling fragmented, traumatized, and conflicted, and these emotions deserve acknowledgment, not dismissal.

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Over the past fifteen years that I've spent advocating for adoptees, it has become increasingly clear to me that the vast majority of adoptees I've encountered have experienced significant pain and difficulties related to being adopted. This reality might be surprising to some, especially those who only hear from a small minority of adoptees who claim to be thankful and grateful for their adoption experience.

In my work, I've found that the vast majority of adoptees, far from being a rare exception, have experienced trauma as a result of being separated from their biological mothers and their adoption. This is an everyday and profound reality for most adoptees.

It's essential to recognize that a happy adoption experience and the feelings of grief, loss, trauma, pain, sadness, abandonment, and rejection can coexist within the same adoptee. Some adoptees may feel grateful for their adoptive families and grateful for being adopted while simultaneously struggling with the deep emotional wounds caused by separation from their biological families.

This mix of emotions is not only valid but common. In my experience, however, the majority of adoptees I've connected with are deeply traumatized by separation trauma and the layers of secrecy, lies, and half-truths that almost always surround adoption.

At the same time, some may find peace in their circumstances. For many, the pain of what was lost runs deep, no matter how loving or supportive their adoptive families may be. The complexities of separation trauma and adoption leave adoptees feeling fragmented, traumatized, and conflicted, and these emotions deserve acknowledgment, not dismissal.

Consider Reading: She Just Had a Bad Adoption Experience.

This truth highlights an uncomfortable but essential reality: those adoptees who report no issues with being adopted are a rare exception, not the norm. While I am genuinely happy for those who feel unscathed by their adoption, it's crucial to recognize that their experience does not represent the collective experience of adoptees.

For the rest of us, adoption is intertwined with grief, loss, and daily battles to survive the complex emotions that come with separation trauma, adoption trauma, abandonment, rejection, and, frequently, even abuse. (sexual, physical, and emotional.)

It's essential to ask: when someone hears an adoptee say they are okay with being adopted, how many other adoptees do you know? Have they truly taken the time to connect with others in the adoptee community and listen to the diverse, often painful realities that come with being adopted? If they did, they might find that their experience is the exception rather than the rule.

I urge those who feel at peace with their adoption to make space for those who don't and to realize that their narrative, while valid, does not invalidate the profound suffering that (in my experience) most adoptees endure. We must face the reality that most adoptees are grief-stricken to their core. They are fighting every day to survive the lifelong complexities of their trauma, and sadly, many of them don't make it. The overrepresentation of adoptees in broken systems such as mental health facilities, the Troubled Teen Industry, homelessness, substance abuse programs, and the criminal justice system is a harsh but undeniable fact.

So yes, while there are adoptees who claim to have no issues with their adoption, we cannot ignore the silent yet heartbroken majority who are struggling.

When a non-adoptee speaks up to say, "My friend's daughter is adopted, and she has no issues," or "My friend gave a baby up for adoption, and she's fine with it," they are often silencing the voices of those in pain.

I implore you to stop using this narrative as an excuse to dismiss the reality of separation trauma and adoption trauma. Until you've submerged yourself in the trenches, spent time with countless adoptees, and truly listened to their stories, you cannot understand the full scope of what it means to be adopted.

For adoptees who are grateful, thankful, and happy they were adopted, I urge you to tap into a space of empathy and compassion for all the adoptees who don't have the same experience. Time and time again, on social media platforms, I see "Happy, Grateful, Thankful" adoptees attempt to silence those adoptees who are bravely sharing their struggles simply because they don't have any issues with being adopted. Please consider reframing this behavior, as it's not helpful to those who are gravely struggling. It causes more harm to them.

Am I saying that "happy, grateful, thankful" adoptees' voices don't matter? Absolutely not, but why would anyone gloat over someone who is sharing pain? If you're happy, grateful, and thankful about being adopted, that's great, but the need to invalidate others' experiences is prevalent in the adoption community, and it needs to change.

If a woman lost her child in a car wreck, would you say, "Well, my daughter was in a wreck, and she didn't die from it!" - Nope.

If someone said, "I was traumatized by my marriage of 20 years, and I am hurt, broken, and grieving the loss of my marriage," would you say, "Well, my marriage is perfect, I'm happy, and I don't have any issues with it!" - Nope.

Please stop treating adoptees this way when they are being transparent and sharing their heartache and pain. Kindness and compassion go a long way. Please stop invalidating the pain of adoptees when they share it with your glory, happiness, grateful, and thankful narrative. It's hurting adoptees. Better yet, don't say anything at all if you have nothing comforting to say.

Please understand that, more often than not, adoptees might be on the verge of unaliving themselves. What you say matters and is impactful. The words you share can either help or hurt someone. Consider making them helpful, and be intentional about how and when you share your story.

To all adoptees and non-adoptees, I kindly ask that you stop using God, the Bible, and scripture to silence adoptees when they share their pain and struggles. This is vital because when you respond to someone's profoundly personal trauma with religious platitudes, it invalidates their lived experiences and dismisses the profound emotional wounds they are trying to express.

Adoption is an incredibly complex and painful journey, and using scripture to minimize or negate an adoptee’s trauma can feel like spiritual gaslighting. It dismisses the real grief, loss, and trauma we face and can even deepen feelings of isolation and hurt. While faith may bring comfort to some, it is not a solution for everyone, and pushing religious narratives onto those who are already struggling can be damaging. Adoptees deserve to be heard, validated, and supported—not silenced by well-intended but harmful religious rhetoric.

We must step out of denial and into understanding the truth: that even under the best of circumstances, separation from our birth mothers is a traumatic experience, and adoption hurts. It all begins with the foundational trauma of being separated from our biological mothers and families. This primal wound leaves a profound, lasting impact that can shape the rest of our lives.

To the adoptees who have had wonderful experiences, I'm genuinely glad for you. But I ask for empathy and understanding. Please make room for those whose adoption stories are filled with grief and heartache. When someone shares the harm adoption has caused them, please resist the urge to respond with, "You just had a bad adoption experience," or, "You should be thankful." Better yet, “That’s not my experience! I’m thankful I was adopted!” These mindsets are deeply harmful. They project a narrative that dismisses the pain of others and reinforces the notion that adoptees should feel grateful, regardless of their suffering.

The reality is that adoption involves deep, profound, and complex loss—of family, culture, identity, and sometimes self-worth. And while some adoptees find healing, many do not. Some of us are stuck and doing everything possible to find healing tools that work for us. As an unstuck adoptee, I know what it feels like to be stuck. I would have given ANYTHING to not feel this pain anymore until I kept seeking, finally finding the right tools for my healing. It’s taken a LIFETIME of determination, intentional work, a lot of money, and time that I can never get back.

Adoption doesn't just "fix" the circumstances of a child's life; it layers new wounds onto old ones. Telling someone they " should be grateful" for their adoption denies them the right to grieve the losses that come with it.

We need to shift our thinking and cultivate empathy. Imagine yourself in the shoes of an adoptee who has been traumatized by their experience even when you haven’t. Try to understand what it might feel like to be separated from your family, to lose your biological connection, and to navigate life with the weight of that loss but be unsupported by the world and those closest to you. It's time to stop romanticizing adoption as a purely positive experience and to start recognizing the pain and complexity that most adoptees endure.

Consider Reading: The Language of Adoption: Embracing Our Truth Over Positivity.

Adoption is not the same for everyone. For many, it means a lifetime of struggle and survival. It's important to recognize this and provide support to those who are going through it. Let's work towards creating a world where adoptees can openly express their experiences, share their pain, and find healing without feeling pressured to be thankful or grateful.

While a few may not encounter difficulties, the majority of us do, and it's vital that our voices are heard.

I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.

I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. It can be found here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.

Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.

Understanding is Love, 

Pamela A. Karanova 

Here are some of the writing pieces I’m the proudest of:

Adoption: Mislabeled, Medicated, & Diagnosed Adoptees Could Be Grieving Profoundly.

The Perplexity of Forced Bonding in Adoption - I share my thoughts on the bonding process in adoption.

100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption - 100 Transracial Adoptees come together to share feelings on how adoption has impacted them.

Adoptees, Why Are You So Angry? - Adoptees share feelings on why they are angry.

Why Do Adoptees Search? An Adoptee Collaboration - Many adoptees experience why they choose to search for biological families.

100 Heartfelt Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption - 100 Adoptees come together to share heartfelt feelings on how adoption has made them feel.

My Friend Has an Adopted Child, and They Don’t Have Any Issues with Being Adopted - Shining a light on the comment so many adoptees hear over and over.

Here are some of the articles I have been featured in:

These Adoptees Refuse to Be Christian Pro-Life Poster Kids by Kathryn Post of Religious News Service.

Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben.

Before a month celebrating adoption, a day to recognize adoptees’ trauma by Religion News Service.

Bringing Adult Adoptee Issues to Light by Angela Burton of Next Avenue.

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