Adoption Hasn't Touched Me. It's Ruthlessly Kicked My Ass.
I hope after reading this article, you consider changing the language you use when speaking about adoption.
Anytime I read something that says, "touched by adoption," it feels like fingernails on a chalkboard. My entire inner being says to myself, "I was not touched by adoption, yet adoption ruthlessly tried to kill me many times over!"
This terminology has a rich history in the adoption community, and people generally don't know what they don't know. Learning another perspective can shift the understanding of why adoptees might be bothered by this phrase. In this understanding, it could promote change for the better when accurately portraying adoption and how it feels to adopted individuals.
Consider Reading: I'm Adopted: HELP ME!, where I describe how it feels to be adopted without resources.
I rarely hear adoptees refer to being "touched by adoption," and I believe I know why. Most of us feel anything but touched. We're talking about an entire system that has stacked cards against us from the moment we take our first breaths.
What do I mean by the cards being stacked against us?
Many of our beginnings are rooted in secrecy, lies, and half-truths.
Healing is stalled or impossible because we don't have the truth! We can't heal when we don't know what we are healing from.
Many of us are stuck in our trauma because tools are nonexistent for many adoptees.
Many of us try to seek help for separation trauma, adoption trauma, abandonment, complex grief, loss, PTSD, anger, rage, identity, self-esteem struggles, substance use disorder, and relationship issues, and we are left high and dry by therapists that don't completely understand the depths and layers of the wounds we carry.
Many times, we search to find answers and truth and are denied our reality by our biological parents, and sometimes, they reject us.
Even when they accept us, many of us struggle to navigate the big adoptee feelings that come with reunion, and even the best of reunion stories still create significant struggles.
Many of us don't have our medical history, and those who said they loved us the most don't seem to think it's a critical thing to have. It's fucking life or death for most of us! No one cares! Yes, I am furious about this! So many of us have to suffer and get unnecessary testing and medical treatment that would likely be considered if we had even a little medical history. When you support adoption as it is today, you support this!
Many of us are tormented every day of our lives not knowing what our biological parents look like. Who are they? Where are they? While other kids play with Barbies and Ken dolls, we're internally obsessed with HER. A childhood hijacked is an understatement.
Many of us have stomach issues throughout our childhoods because our body keeps the score on separation trauma as well as the anxiety of feeling like we don't belong.
Many of us are labeled with medical diagnoses that are not accurate and, at times, medicated due to this diagnosis when we are acting accordingly when we are ripped from our mothers and not allowed to grieve.
Many of us haven't made the connection between adoption, grief, and loss because the adults in our lives aren't educated on this topic, nor do they understand this connection themselves. If they did, they would help us process grief from the moment we learned we were adopted.
The world celebrates the most significant loss of our lives and leaves no room for our sadness.
When we look in the mirror and don’t know who we are or where we come from, adoption and relinquishment can create wounds so deep that we become at war within ourselves.
When we search for biological families, many of us find graves! Yet, no one acknowledges it as a loss.
Many of us are psychologically abused and gaslit to be grateful.
Many of us are forced to fit the role of biological children when we can't fill that role.
Many of us don't bond with our adopters.
Many of us are physically, emotionally, and psychologically abused by our adopters.
Many international adoptees are deported at no fault of their own.
Many of us are left out of wills for various reasons.
Many of us have no family support, adopted or biological because we have chosen ourselves! They also rarely support our work in the adoption community.
We have triggers sometimes daily and even hourly. Holidays, birthdays, and Mother's and Father's Day are constant reminders of what we lost.
Lost relationships that we can never replace. There are so many missing memories that will never exist.
Being born split between two worlds, I never felt that I belonged to either.
All the people who love us the most made these gigantic choices for us, never considering how we might be impacted by the choices they made for us, which none of us consented to.
Most of us have little to no resources or tools to navigate a lifetime of experience living as an adoptee.
You get the picture, I'm sure, but I could go on forever.
While I believe anyone who still uses the terminology "Touched by Adoption" might genuinely not understand how this could come off as insulting to adoptees, I hope after reading this article, you consider changing the language you use when speaking about adoption.
Consider changing this language to "Impacted by Adoption" instead of "Touched by Adoption."
Another thing to consider is that when the adoption constellation is referred to as the "Adoption Triad," many adoptees don't like this terminology. A triad in adoption takes on the assumption by looking at the famous logo of adoption (triangle with a heart) that all the parts of the constellation are "equal." For all the reasons listed above, they are far from being equal.
Consider changing this language to "The Adoption Constellation" instead of "The Adoption Triad."
Of course, anyone can continue using the same terminology that has been around for years with no interest in modifying it to more updated wording. However, when we know better, and when we know we are offending someone, we generally want to do better.
I am seeing a lot of changes in the adoption arena as a whole, and I believe in my heart of hearts that non-adoptees are trying to understand, listen, and learn from those who have the most profound lived experiences, the adoptees.
Hopefully, this helps someone, and I believe we will eventually see fewer instances of "Touched by Adoption" and "The Adoption Triad" wording as people become more aware of the complexities of choosing to use these phrases.
Q & A
For my fellow adoptees, how do you feel when you hear "Touched By Adoption" and "The Adoption Triad?" How do you refer to either of these statements? I would love your thoughts. Drop your comments below.
For adoptive parents, what are your thoughts on this topic? Drop your comments below.
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. You can find it here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
Here are a few articles I recommend reading:
100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption by Pamela A. Karanova & 100 Transracial Adoptees Worldwide
What Are the Mental Health Effects of Being Adopted? By Therodora Blanchfield, AMFT
10 Things Adoptive Parents Should Know – An Adoptee’s Perspective by Cristina Romo
Understanding Why Adoptees Are At A Higher Risk for Suicide by Maureen McCauley | Light of Day Stories
Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben
Relationship Between Adoption and Suicide Attempts: A Meta-Analysis
Reckoning with The Primal Wound Documentary with a 10% off coupon code (25 available) “adopteesconnect”
Still, Grieving Adoptee Losses, What My Adoptive Parents Could Have Done Differently.
I call my life “decimated by adoption” bc of all the reasons you listed. The life I knew before adoption is literally decimated. I have to pretend to play this part and I think that's why I'm so good at playing different characters in plays and such. Decimated by adoption is the phrase I prefer.