Adoption: Mislabeled, Medicated, & Diagnosed Adoptees Could Be Grieving Profoundly
When adoptees open up about our feelings of grief and sadness, we are often times met with dismissiveness or even hostility. People tell us to be thankful for our Adoption and not dwell on the past.
I wonder how many adoptees have been mislabeled, medicated, and diagnosed with various mental health issues and medical conditions and placed on medications with lifelong labels, but they were grieving profoundly? What if they had a broken heart from so much loss, but they didn't have the tools to work on such profound losses, so it came out in other ways? Now, so many of them are navigating their journey with lifelong labels that might not apply if they had the right tools to work on their grief and loss. There is no prescription for grief and loss. We have to process it and feel it.
Some reasons adoptees might be grieving:
Loss of biological family and genetic connection.
Loss of cultural heritage and traditions.
Loss of medical history and potential genetic health risks.
Loss of early childhood experiences and memories with biological family.
Loss of birth language and connection to birth country.
Loss of birth parents' love and care.
Loss of siblings and extended family relationships.
Loss of identity and sense of belonging.
Loss of connection to birth community and support system.
Loss of understanding of one's roots and origins.
Loss of control over one's life and circumstances.
Loss of trust in relationships and attachment.
Loss of emotional stability and sense of security.
Loss of self-esteem and self-worth.
Loss of ability to form healthy attachments and relationships.
Loss of sense of autonomy and independence.
Loss of ability to cope with trauma and grief.
Loss of ability to regulate emotions and behaviors.
Loss of ability to navigate complex emotions and experiences.
Loss of ability to communicate effectively and assert needs.
Loss of ability to advocate for oneself and seek support.
Loss of ability to develop healthy coping mechanisms and resilience.
Loss of ability to form lasting bonds.
Loss of ability to process and heal from past traumas.
Loss of ability to feel safe and secure in relationships.
Loss of ability to develop a strong sense of self and identity.
Loss of ability to build healthy boundaries and assert needs.
Loss of ability to form healthy and fulfilling relationships.
Loss of ability to trust others and feel secure in connections.
If you are someone in the adoption constellation reading this, what if?
Some other reasons adoptees and non-adoptees might be grieving:
Death of a spouse.
Divorce.
Marital separation.
Imprisonment.
Death of a close family member.
Personal injury or illness.
Marriage.
Dismissal from work.
Marital reconciliation.
Retirement.
Change in health of family member.
Pregnancy.
Sexual difficulties.
Gain a new family member.
Business readjustment.
Change in financial state.
Death of a close friend.
Change to a different line of work.
Change in frequency of arguments.
Major mortgage.
Foreclosure of mortgage or loan.
Change in responsibilities at work.
Child leaving home.
Trouble with in-laws.
Outstanding personal achievement.
Spouse starts or stops work.
Begin or end school.
Change in living conditions.
Revision of personal habits.
Trouble with boss.
Change in working hours or conditions
Change in residence.
Change in schools.
Change in recreation.
Change in church activities.
Change in social activities.
Minor mortgage or loan.
Change in sleeping habits.
Change in number of family reunions.
Change in eating habits.
Vacation.
Christmas.
Minor violation of law.
I can speak from my own experience that most of my life, I thought I was going to die from a broken heart. The broken heart is a direct result of my adoption experience. It is filled with 49 years of grief, loss, trauma, abandonment, substance use disorder, anger, rage, self-sabotaging lifestyle habits, etc.
Physical effects of grief list:
IBS
Migraines
Depression
Asthma
Cancer
Insomnia
Panic attacks
Arthritis
Chronic pain
Infertility
Obesity
Addictions
Heart disease
Diabetes
Hair Loss
Teeth grinding
Ulcers
Stroke
Anger management issues
Many of us develop lifestyle habits due to unprocessed emotions, which the Grief Recovery Method calls STERBs. What are STERBs?
Short-term Energy-Relieving Behaviors.
Some of the areas that might be STERBs are:
Food
Alcohol
Drugs Street/RX
Shopping
Anger/Violence
Risk-taking
Sex
Exercise
Sleep
Cutting
Tattoos/body art
Video games
Cell phones
Fantasy
Porn
Church
Picking
Looting
Gambling
Running Away
I have struggled with many of these areas throughout my life and I highlighted all the areas by making them bold. About a decade ago, I was convinced that this pain from Adoption and my broken heart were likely going to be what killed me. That's powerful, but thankfully, I found a way out of the darkness and followed the glimmer of light. The minute I learned I had been grieving since I took my first breath and that my grief would be a lifelong visitor, everything changed for me. I hope the same for my fellow adoptees, so I share my story, heart, and experiences.
By tomorrow at this time, I will have finished the Grief Recovery Method® Training to become a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®. I am so grateful for this program and the grant I received from Jeffrey Leventhal of S12F to get this training! I genuinely feel that the intersection of Adoption, grief, and loss is a significant crossroads that likely impacts everyone in the adoption constellation, specifically adoptees.
GRIEF, THE REAL MOTHER
To some, Adoption is a beautiful act of love and generosity, giving children who may not have a stable home or family the opportunity to grow up in a loving and caring environment. However, the process of Adoption also brings about a myriad of complex emotions and challenges for the adopted individual, particularly when it comes to grieving the loss of their birth family and heritage.
In society in general and adoption communities, there is often a stigma surrounding sharing sadness and grief. People are expected to put on a brave face and not burden others with their problems. This can be especially true for adoptees, who may feel pressure to be grateful for our Adoption and not dwell on the pain and loss that may come with it.
When adoptees do open up about our feelings of grief and sadness, we are often times met with dismissiveness or even hostility. People tell us just to be thankful for our Adoption and not dwell on the past. This can be incredibly damaging, invalidating our experiences and preventing us from fully processing our emotions.
Grief and loss are at the core of all adoptions, as all adoptees are separated from our birth families, and many of us struggle with feelings of abandonment, rejection, and identity confusion. These unprocessed emotions and feelings can manifest in physical health issues such as anxiety, depression, addictions, self-esteem struggles, identity issues, anger, rage, and even chronic illnesses.
Society needs to acknowledge and validate the pain and grief that adoptees experience. By listening to our stories and allowing us to share our emotions, you can assist us in processing our feelings and finding healing. Adoptees should not have to suppress their pain to fit societal expectations and the thankful/grateful narrative. We deserve to be heard and supported as we navigate the complexities of Adoption and loss.
From building relationships with adoptees around the world, I have learned that many of us individuals are misdiagnosed and labeled with lifelong illnesses when, in reality, they are simply grieving from the loss of their biological family and identity. This misdiagnosis can lead to a lifetime of unnecessary medication and treatment without addressing the root cause of our emotional distress.
Grief and loss are at the core of all adoptions, as the adopted individual is separated from their birth family and may struggle with feelings of abandonment, rejection, and identity confusion. These unprocessed emotions and feelings can manifest in physical health issues such as anxiety, depression, addictions, self-esteem struggles, identity issues, anger, rage, and even chronic illnesses.
WHAT IS THE GRIEF RECOVERY METHOD?
It's the only evidence-based grief recovery program in the world. It's an action-based, powerful, and directed approach to healing from life's deepest heartbreaks. To learn more, click here. It’s not counseling or therapy; however, it is an educational program for people 18+. GRM is a self-care tool in my toolbox that has changed my life. It will change the lives of everyone in the adoption constellation, specifically adoptees.
The Grief Recovery Method is a structured program designed to help individuals heal from the pain of grief and loss. Developed by John W. James and Russell Friedman, it focuses on assisting individuals in working through their emotions and processing their feelings in a healthy and constructive way.
The Grief Recovery Method is based on the premise that unresolved grief can have a negative impact on an individual's mental, emotional, and physical well-being. By addressing and working through the emotions associated with grief, individuals can begin to heal and move forward in their lives. One of the critical components of the Grief Recovery Method is the idea that grief is a normal and natural response to loss.
When we are being honest, we should all be able to agree that 100% of adoptions begin with loss first.
By acknowledging and accepting this loss and grief, individuals in the adoption constellation can begin to work through their emotions and start the healing process. Through a series of structured exercises and discussions, participants are guided through identifying and addressing their feelings of loss. For many adoptees, this would address the original loss of our biological mothers, families, cultures, medical history, relationships, sibling connections, even sometimes going back to how things were or might have been before we were born, in utero.
Another critical aspect of the Grief Recovery Method is that it emphasizes taking action to heal from grief. Instead of simply talking about our feelings, participants are encouraged to actively work through their emotions and take steps to move forward in our lives. This may involve writing letters, creating rituals, or engaging in other activities that help individuals process their grief and find inner peace in their journeys.
Overall, the Grief Recovery Method provides individuals a supportive and structured framework for healing from grief and loss. By acknowledging our emotions, taking action to process our feelings, and working towards healing, individuals can find solace and peace in the midst of our grief.
This method can be a valuable tool for anyone struggling with the pain of adoption loss and looking for a way to heal and move forward in our lives. The Grief Recovery Method gives hope that might otherwise be nonexistent.
I can share my personal experience being an adopted person, in and out of therapy; from the moment I could talk to 2024, I have been in endless situations where therapists, doctors, and adults in my life applied diagnoses and even medications for such diagnoses. As an adoptee, a decade and a half out of the fog, I can share, without a shadow of a doubt, that I have been grieving every day of my life since the moment I took my first breath. But no one helped me process my grief, which has caused a very long and painful journey to be longer than it needed to be.
WE HAVE TO GET TO THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM FIRST.
Psychiatrists pushed mood-stabilizing medications when really I was dealing with a broken heart. I was forced to label myself an alcoholic (I never did because I knew alcohol wasn’t the root issue, only the symptom), yet I was avoiding feelings with alcohol. My feelings were always rooted in grief, loss, and separation trauma. Alcohol was always the avoidance tool I used to avoid the truth because it was too painful for me to process, and I had zero tools or adults helping me. I was a runaway teenager, yet I was searching for my birth mother because I was deeply grieving the loss of her. I was angry and rage-filled, but the root of that rage was abandonment, rejection, grief, and loss.
In my opinion, we should explore the intersection of Adoption, grief, and loss before pressing forward with more avenues more severe because identifying complex grief for adoptees and working on that grief could very well change everything before unnecessary medications and diagnosis come into play.
Society is so quick to apply labels to us, but what if we accepted grief as a natural and normal response to all the loss adoptees experience before they are ever adopted? What if that realization took us down a healing pathway with new tools to process such grief? What if processing our grief could bring hope that broken hearts can heal? What if we all become experts in grief so we could help ourselves and others?
I am a perfect example of an adoptee who believed five years ago that I was going to die from a broken heart, but today, as I have spent years exploring the grief component, my heart has healed, and I no longer feel I am going to die from a broken heart.
I wish this for all my fellow adoptees. I know the pain of separation trauma, compacted by adoption trauma. I never want to forget it because it has been in those very dark spaces that I chose to create something meaningful for the adoptee community I have come to know and love.
Once my Grief Recovery Method Training is complete, I plan to host various adoptee grief recovery groups online and in person to assist adoptees in the grieving process and help adoptive parents learn how to help their adopted kids process grief. I would also like to host grief recovery groups for Exvangelicals, LDAs, NPEs, MPEs, Donor-Conceived, and DNA Surprise Individuals.
When I left the church, I was deeply wounded, and it ignited my deconstruction process. This created a heightened sense of sadness rooted in grief and loss because of the loss of church friends, whom I called family. There were no resources on how to walk through this process, but the Grief Recovery Method would have helped me greatly if I had known about it then.
I can share from my own story that if I had started processing my grief as soon as I found out I was adopted at five years old, the trajectory of my whole life would have likely been different. Spending my entire life with the sadness from my adoption story, always brewing below the surface, has taken a significant toll, but I now know the sooner we start to work on these losses, the sooner we start healing.
THIS IS WHY I WANTED TO BECOME A CERTIFIED GRIEF RECOVERY SPECIALIST.
One of the many gifts of The Grief Recovery Method is that it allows us to recover. I have participated in many programs where "once you are in recovery, you will always be in recovery!" The idea of being recovered isn't a part of the program, but it is with the Grief Recovery Method. That offers a lifeline of hope for everyone in the adoption constellation and other grievers who might need new tools to work on the feelings associated with processing grief and loss.
To learn more about the grief sessions I will be hosting, please follow my platform, The Real Adoptea Moxie, on Facebook and Adoption: Grief, Grow, Glo, on Facebook and IG @grievegrowgloreadysetgo.
Q & A
To my fellow adoptees, have you been able to identify the grief and loss in your own story? Have you found any tools to help you process through that grief? Would you be interested in a course to help you process your grief? Drop your comments below.
To adoptive parents, have you navigated your own grief and loss process? Have you been able to assist your adopted child/adult in processing their grief? Are you interested in learning more by joining a 30-minute micro session to see if this course is a good fit for you? Drop your comments below.
IGNITE Friendship Portal UPDATE: We have 111 adoptees around the globe who are already in the IGNITE Friendship Portal. We have had two giveaways, where one adoptee won an Adoptees Connect, Inc. T-shirt and another won an Adoptees Connect, Inc. coffee mug for completing their IGNITE Friendship Profiles! Due to an overwhelming response to join the IGNITE Friendship Portal, we have started a waiting list for adoptees! The sooner you get on the waiting list, the sooner you will be added to the portal. We can’t wait to see you in the IGNITE Friendship Portal!
What is the IGNITE Friendship Portal? Click this link to learn more! IGNITE Friendship Portal, Sparking Adoptee Fires Around the Globe!
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. It can be found here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
Here are a few articles I recommend reading:
100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption by Pamela A. Karanova & 100 Transracial Adoptees Worldwide
What Are the Mental Health Effects of Being Adopted? By Therodora Blanchfield, AMFT
10 Things Adoptive Parents Should Know – An Adoptee’s Perspective by Cristina Romo
Understanding Why Adoptees Are At A Higher Risk for Suicide by Maureen McCauley | Light of Day Stories
Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben
Relationship Between Adoption and Suicide Attempts: A Meta-Analysis
Reckoning with The Primal Wound Documentary with a 10% off coupon code (25 available) “adopteesconnect”
Still, Grieving Adoptee Losses, What My Adoptive Parents Could Have Done Differently.
Every day is painful for me. The past few years every time I wake up all that floods through my head is my natural family. Moring, middle of the night, after nodding off for just a few min. it dose not matter. I feel my heart and what is left of my soul is not just broken but smashed. I don't know if there is any hope for me, I sure have tried looking and finding some. Nothing has helped much of for long yet.
I have not processed the grief bc no one understands how profound it is. Also, being an intercountry adoptee no one put the pieces of "having to learn a whole language and culture crash course' at 3 years old can traumatise a child. Something that has helped me is connecting with my Jewish ancestry and embracing my true self. and watching hockey and the parallels of being a foreign player in a new country is kind of like my own adoption. Thrust into a new world where you don't know what or where to go. And being alone in this weird world.