I'm sitting at my desk at work crying (again). I am so happy you are starting to look after your heart. My wife did not and her and our family is paying a price now. I have been off facebook for over a year now I think. I have to watch myself as to not to get sucked into nextdoor and the comments on youtube are getting social media like. Tried X at first and never got it as I write to long. The social media might be extra addictive to us adoptees as we have been "LOOKING and ASKING" our whole lives. And then sometimes we find the trainwreck of our roots.
I regurlay tell random strangers I meet all about how bad and evil adoption is for the newborn and for their whole life. It really angers many a "good christens". Baby's for me not thee??? Can't take care of that kid give it here I'll sell it for ya.
Anthony, thank you for your raw and heartfelt words. It means so much to know that my writing resonated with you, even if it brought up some difficult emotions. I completely understand what you’re saying about the toll it takes when we don’t look after our hearts. It’s heartbreaking to hear about your wife, and I hope there’s space for healing in her journey too. In the next few weeks I will be writing more about the "heart" topic, as it very much has tied into my adoptee journey.
It’s powerful how you’ve distanced yourself from social media and the toxic pull it has. I am proud of you! I am doing the same. I agree that for us adoptees, it can become a deeper trap—we’ve been searching for answers our whole lives, and it’s easy to get caught up in that endless cycle of looking and asking. I concur that when we do find the 'trainwreck' of our roots, it can be overwhelming.
I also admire your courage in speaking out against adoption, even when it ruffles feathers. Those 'good Christians' often don’t want to see the truth behind the façade, but we need voices like yours out there, planting seeds of awareness. You’re right—adoption is often painted with a rosy brush, but for so many of us, it’s a lifelong and profound deeply layered struggle. Keep speaking your truth, Anthony. It’s so needed. XOXO P
Hi Suzie, Thank you for sharing that! It's interesting how even those with more 'Disney' adoption stories still find common ground in the deeper truths about adoption. It just goes to show that no matter the specifics of our stories, there’s an underlying experience of loss and complexity that resonates with many adoptees. I’m glad the piece spoke to you, and it’s always powerful to hear that these words can reach across the spectrum of experiences. We all have our own unique journeys, but there’s a connection that runs deeper than the surface narratives. XOXO P
As a birth mother, I lived with an elephant in the room, too. For 37 years, the adoption subject was taboo; the silence isolated me from family and friends. In reunion, we also have to face the possibility of rejection from our adopted child. I believed I was doing the right thing - 'Best for baby', they told me. But research now tells me the opposite: how damaging adoption is for newborn babies. I am mortified at the damage I caused my son. I agree that we must feel able to talk openly and share our stories in the hope that we can help others, but most of all, the whole system needs to change. 57 years ago, support for me would have prevented both my baby's and my emotional suffering.
Hi Joy, Thank you so much for sharing your heart and story. I can’t imagine the weight of carrying that silence for 37 years, and it’s heartbreaking that something so deeply impactful was kept as taboo for so long. Your experience reflects such an important truth—adoption is not only a profound loss for adoptees but for birth mothers too. The isolation you felt must have been incredibly painful, and it’s a reminder that silence around adoption causes harm in ways many don’t see.
I have learned that the fear of rejection in reunion is something so many birth parents face, and it speaks volumes to the complexities of adoption. That ‘best for baby’ narrative has done so much damage, and I can feel your grief in discovering the truth through research. It’s courageous of you to face that and speak out about it, especially when many still hold on to outdated beliefs.
You’re absolutely right: the system needs to change. Your story, and others like it, are what will drive those changes. Thank you again for your vulnerability and for being part of the solution by sharing your voice. We’re stronger together. XOXO P.K.
Thank you, Pamela. I feel so strongly that those dark times in the history of this country (I am in the UK) should not be lost that I am writing a book about my experience of the destruction of living with the secret of adoption, starting in the mother-and-baby home, through the empty years of denial, and into the trials of reunion. Reading sites like yours confirms my belief, so thank you for being honest about your experience as an adoptee.
Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I completely agree – those dark chapters in adoption history must never be lost or overlooked.
Your book sounds incredibly powerful, and I can only imagine the strength it takes to bring those experiences to light. It’s so important for us to break the silence and tell our stories, especially when they’ve been hidden for so long.
I’m truly honored that my words resonate with you, and I’m grateful for your courage in writing about your journey. Your voice will help others feel seen and understood.
This is the most raw and honest depiction of what being an adoptee has felt like to me all my life. So many hours, years, and wrong turns have been devoted to trying to scratch and claw for clarity. I accept this as a lifelong journey of discovery, and I'm fortified in my own search for peace and truth when I see my fellow adoptees digging and giving language to these difficult-to-explain emotions and mindsets to help us all.
Hello Linda, Thank you so much for your words. It means a lot to hear that this resonated so deeply with you. The journey we’re on as adoptees is often so exhausting, and I completely relate to those years of wrong turns and relentless searching for clarity. It’s comforting to know that we’re not alone in this, even though it can feel isolating at times.
I love how you put it—this is a lifelong journey of discovery. We may never have all the answers, but seeing others, like you, digging and putting words to those difficult emotions brings us closer to some form of peace. We’re all trying to make sense of it, and when we do it together, there’s a sense of solidarity that makes the load just a little lighter. I’m honored to be a part of that for you, and I hope you continue to find strength in your own search. Sending you MUCHO Love! XOXO P.K.
I’ve treated adoption as a one time trauma to move on from. It is a relief to know that it’s not so much me failing to move on as it is complicated and layered, and not something that is solved easily.
The silence part of this always gets me the most. It is the cruelest of reactions. Silence says to me that I’m not even worthy of your words or your time. That I am less than human. So I have become much more vocal. However, I cannot figure out how to get others to respond back to me. No one wants to talk about it, and I am further alone and pushed aside.
Hi Jill, Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences here. It’s such a huge realization to understand that adoption isn’t a “one time trauma” that we can simply move on from. It’s layered, complex, and impacts so many aspects of our lives. The fact that you’ve been vocal about it is so powerful, but I completely understand how painful the silence can be in return. That silence feels like rejection all over again, a dismissal of your experience and your worth. It’s heartbreaking and isolating, but please know that your voice matters, even if the people around you aren’t responding.
Sometimes, people don’t know how to engage with our pain or discomfort because it challenges their own beliefs or fears. But keep speaking your truth. You’re not alone, and your voice is needed in this conversation. It may take time, but the right people who do want to hear and support you will come. (writing about this soon)
In the meantime, spaces like this exist to remind you that your feelings are valid and shared by many. Keep reaching out and sharing—it makes all the difference. Sending you lots of love! 🩵 PK
I am in my mid 50's when I was like 20 I payed out of pocket to see a full blown PhD Shrink. Dude told me to "get over it", "put it behind you". Like you I felt I was in the wrong for not gettting over being adopted out. We can only learn to live with it. Put it aside yes but as long as we have our minds it will be there lurking in the darkness. Best wishes Jill
Good morning, A.J. ( I always want to call you Anthony!) :) I feel you're 100% spot on about learning to live with it. One of the most pivotal parts of my healing journey was accepting that the pain is here to stay—there's no magic wand or magic pill to fix it! Once I accepted that, it felt like the gates opened up to healing because I shifted my focus to finding tools to help me cope rather than waking up every day wishing I could just be 'healed.'
Little by little, I have healed, but adoptee wounds are so complicated, layered, and deep that I know they will always be a part of my life—especially the trauma and complex grief. Your message really resonated with me! XOXO OK
Call me what you would like. I go by Tony, a lot of women like to call me Anthony, I use AJ for shortness sometimes. I still don't know if I was named or if I was kept what I would of been named. I have no Idea why my next born brother from my mother was named what he was. And Jill I am very dismissive of myself. One of my middle children says they see it as me having a fear of success. That may be the way my lacking of whatever it is comes out or across. Deeply (even hidden) damaged is the truth any way one looks at it.
Pamela, Thank you again for sharing your wisdom about the adoptee experience. And, thank you for for taking care of yourself. You have cared so much for me and others. I’m so happy for you to be giving back to yourself. Enjoy your healthy habits, enjoy your life! We’ll be in touch 🌷
Hi beautiful friend, Thank you so much for your kind words. It means the world to know that my sharing has made a difference for you.
Taking care of myself has been a long time coming, and I’m learning that it’s just as important as caring for others. I truly appreciate your support in this journey.
Wishing you all the best on yours as well, and I look forward to staying in touch. Take care and keep focusing on your own well-being, too! Hugs and love! 🩵 PK
I have found so much validation of my feelings from reading your writing and knowing others felt the same way. I find I want to talk about adoption with a friend I grew up with who was adopted but hesitate because I don't know if I would be overstepping boundaries by telling them what I've learned or how to begin that convo. My eyes truly opened about the impact of adoption when I read an article called "The Fog". I was 57.
Hi Doreen, I’m so glad my writing resonated with you. It’s great that you want to connect with your friend about adoption. You might start by sharing what you’ve been learning and ask if they’re open to talking about it. Everyone’s journey is different, so letting them guide the conversation is key. It's wild but I grew up in a home with my adopted sister, adopted from another family and we never once talked about adoption! Ever!
“The Fog” can be a real eye-opener, and it’s never too late to gain that understanding. Take it one step at a time. Hugs and love from me to you! 🩵
I never spoke with my also adopted (not blood) sister I grew up with about being adopted untill our 2nd parents passed. Yes speak with your buddy. And yes let them guid the conversation. Direct them to an adoptees connect meeting if one is around you guys.
Wow. That is very interesting but not surprising if you grew up in the late 60s, 70's or before. I just reconnected with this friend who lives in a different state. She was the only friend I knew who was adopted, she was of mixed race and I couldn't figure out why her parents were white and she was not, until my folks told me. I have to figure out my way into the conversation about it, because it would be through messaging or text and that is not the optimal way of communicating.
It sounds like a meaningful reconnection, and I can see why you're being thoughtful about how to approach the conversation. I agree, messaging can feel tricky for deep topics like adoption, especially when it's something as personal as being of mixed race in a white family. Perhaps you could ease into it by sharing memories from when you were younger, which might naturally lead to the subject.
You could also express curiosity about how life has been for her and see if she opens up about her experiences. It’s great that you want to approach this with care—showing that you're open and interested can make a big difference.
I have heard the same from so many adoptees, that they never spoke to siblings they lived with about being adopted. So wild, and such a huge elephant in the room! As kids, I think we just didn't know what to say or how to say it, and it was buried deep below the surface maybe? So strange to me! Especially when its a huge part of who we are!
Today I got to read your story. I feel so grateful to the universe for giving me this opportunity and I thank God for this. After reading your article I felt so good for the fact that am not alone in this journey. I am 26 now and all this while I was finding it hard to accept the pain and the suffering that came with adoption. I was trying to ignore and run away from feeling the pain of adoption. But after reading your story, it gave me courage to accept and the strength to heal myself from all the childhood traumas. So glad that now I can read your article often in Substack. I know it will help me a great deal as I navigate through the complexities of adoption and my healing journey from now on. I really look forward to meeting you in person and have a podcasts.
We can connect in whatsapp if it's not an issue. My whatsapp no. is 7076104152.
Hi Sikkim - Thank you so much for your beautiful message—it truly touched my heart. I am so glad you found me! Sometimes when we come across other adoptees who have similar feelings and struggles, it can change EVERYTHING! I am so grateful that you found strength and courage in my article, and knowing that it resonated with you means the world to me. You are definitely not alone on this journey, and I’m so glad that my story has given you a sense of connection and validation as you navigate the complexities of adoption and healing.
I’m sorry I don’t use WhatsApp, but I would love to stay in touch here on Substack! I look forward to hearing more from you and continuing this conversation as we both walk this path of healing. Sending you love, light, and all the strength you need as you move forward. Sending you so much love! XOXO PK
I'm sitting at my desk at work crying (again). I am so happy you are starting to look after your heart. My wife did not and her and our family is paying a price now. I have been off facebook for over a year now I think. I have to watch myself as to not to get sucked into nextdoor and the comments on youtube are getting social media like. Tried X at first and never got it as I write to long. The social media might be extra addictive to us adoptees as we have been "LOOKING and ASKING" our whole lives. And then sometimes we find the trainwreck of our roots.
I regurlay tell random strangers I meet all about how bad and evil adoption is for the newborn and for their whole life. It really angers many a "good christens". Baby's for me not thee??? Can't take care of that kid give it here I'll sell it for ya.
Anthony, thank you for your raw and heartfelt words. It means so much to know that my writing resonated with you, even if it brought up some difficult emotions. I completely understand what you’re saying about the toll it takes when we don’t look after our hearts. It’s heartbreaking to hear about your wife, and I hope there’s space for healing in her journey too. In the next few weeks I will be writing more about the "heart" topic, as it very much has tied into my adoptee journey.
It’s powerful how you’ve distanced yourself from social media and the toxic pull it has. I am proud of you! I am doing the same. I agree that for us adoptees, it can become a deeper trap—we’ve been searching for answers our whole lives, and it’s easy to get caught up in that endless cycle of looking and asking. I concur that when we do find the 'trainwreck' of our roots, it can be overwhelming.
I also admire your courage in speaking out against adoption, even when it ruffles feathers. Those 'good Christians' often don’t want to see the truth behind the façade, but we need voices like yours out there, planting seeds of awareness. You’re right—adoption is often painted with a rosy brush, but for so many of us, it’s a lifelong and profound deeply layered struggle. Keep speaking your truth, Anthony. It’s so needed. XOXO P
Even with an adoption story that’s more Disney than Jerry Springer so much of this resonated.
Hi Suzie, Thank you for sharing that! It's interesting how even those with more 'Disney' adoption stories still find common ground in the deeper truths about adoption. It just goes to show that no matter the specifics of our stories, there’s an underlying experience of loss and complexity that resonates with many adoptees. I’m glad the piece spoke to you, and it’s always powerful to hear that these words can reach across the spectrum of experiences. We all have our own unique journeys, but there’s a connection that runs deeper than the surface narratives. XOXO P
As a birth mother, I lived with an elephant in the room, too. For 37 years, the adoption subject was taboo; the silence isolated me from family and friends. In reunion, we also have to face the possibility of rejection from our adopted child. I believed I was doing the right thing - 'Best for baby', they told me. But research now tells me the opposite: how damaging adoption is for newborn babies. I am mortified at the damage I caused my son. I agree that we must feel able to talk openly and share our stories in the hope that we can help others, but most of all, the whole system needs to change. 57 years ago, support for me would have prevented both my baby's and my emotional suffering.
Hi Joy, Thank you so much for sharing your heart and story. I can’t imagine the weight of carrying that silence for 37 years, and it’s heartbreaking that something so deeply impactful was kept as taboo for so long. Your experience reflects such an important truth—adoption is not only a profound loss for adoptees but for birth mothers too. The isolation you felt must have been incredibly painful, and it’s a reminder that silence around adoption causes harm in ways many don’t see.
I have learned that the fear of rejection in reunion is something so many birth parents face, and it speaks volumes to the complexities of adoption. That ‘best for baby’ narrative has done so much damage, and I can feel your grief in discovering the truth through research. It’s courageous of you to face that and speak out about it, especially when many still hold on to outdated beliefs.
You’re absolutely right: the system needs to change. Your story, and others like it, are what will drive those changes. Thank you again for your vulnerability and for being part of the solution by sharing your voice. We’re stronger together. XOXO P.K.
Thank you, Pamela. I feel so strongly that those dark times in the history of this country (I am in the UK) should not be lost that I am writing a book about my experience of the destruction of living with the secret of adoption, starting in the mother-and-baby home, through the empty years of denial, and into the trials of reunion. Reading sites like yours confirms my belief, so thank you for being honest about your experience as an adoptee.
Hi Joy,
You're welcome!
Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I completely agree – those dark chapters in adoption history must never be lost or overlooked.
Your book sounds incredibly powerful, and I can only imagine the strength it takes to bring those experiences to light. It’s so important for us to break the silence and tell our stories, especially when they’ve been hidden for so long.
I’m truly honored that my words resonate with you, and I’m grateful for your courage in writing about your journey. Your voice will help others feel seen and understood.
Keep going – the world needs your truth. 🩵
This is the most raw and honest depiction of what being an adoptee has felt like to me all my life. So many hours, years, and wrong turns have been devoted to trying to scratch and claw for clarity. I accept this as a lifelong journey of discovery, and I'm fortified in my own search for peace and truth when I see my fellow adoptees digging and giving language to these difficult-to-explain emotions and mindsets to help us all.
Hello Linda, Thank you so much for your words. It means a lot to hear that this resonated so deeply with you. The journey we’re on as adoptees is often so exhausting, and I completely relate to those years of wrong turns and relentless searching for clarity. It’s comforting to know that we’re not alone in this, even though it can feel isolating at times.
I love how you put it—this is a lifelong journey of discovery. We may never have all the answers, but seeing others, like you, digging and putting words to those difficult emotions brings us closer to some form of peace. We’re all trying to make sense of it, and when we do it together, there’s a sense of solidarity that makes the load just a little lighter. I’m honored to be a part of that for you, and I hope you continue to find strength in your own search. Sending you MUCHO Love! XOXO P.K.
I’ve treated adoption as a one time trauma to move on from. It is a relief to know that it’s not so much me failing to move on as it is complicated and layered, and not something that is solved easily.
The silence part of this always gets me the most. It is the cruelest of reactions. Silence says to me that I’m not even worthy of your words or your time. That I am less than human. So I have become much more vocal. However, I cannot figure out how to get others to respond back to me. No one wants to talk about it, and I am further alone and pushed aside.
Hi Jill, Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences here. It’s such a huge realization to understand that adoption isn’t a “one time trauma” that we can simply move on from. It’s layered, complex, and impacts so many aspects of our lives. The fact that you’ve been vocal about it is so powerful, but I completely understand how painful the silence can be in return. That silence feels like rejection all over again, a dismissal of your experience and your worth. It’s heartbreaking and isolating, but please know that your voice matters, even if the people around you aren’t responding.
Sometimes, people don’t know how to engage with our pain or discomfort because it challenges their own beliefs or fears. But keep speaking your truth. You’re not alone, and your voice is needed in this conversation. It may take time, but the right people who do want to hear and support you will come. (writing about this soon)
In the meantime, spaces like this exist to remind you that your feelings are valid and shared by many. Keep reaching out and sharing—it makes all the difference. Sending you lots of love! 🩵 PK
I am in my mid 50's when I was like 20 I payed out of pocket to see a full blown PhD Shrink. Dude told me to "get over it", "put it behind you". Like you I felt I was in the wrong for not gettting over being adopted out. We can only learn to live with it. Put it aside yes but as long as we have our minds it will be there lurking in the darkness. Best wishes Jill
Good morning, A.J. ( I always want to call you Anthony!) :) I feel you're 100% spot on about learning to live with it. One of the most pivotal parts of my healing journey was accepting that the pain is here to stay—there's no magic wand or magic pill to fix it! Once I accepted that, it felt like the gates opened up to healing because I shifted my focus to finding tools to help me cope rather than waking up every day wishing I could just be 'healed.'
Little by little, I have healed, but adoptee wounds are so complicated, layered, and deep that I know they will always be a part of my life—especially the trauma and complex grief. Your message really resonated with me! XOXO OK
Call me what you would like. I go by Tony, a lot of women like to call me Anthony, I use AJ for shortness sometimes. I still don't know if I was named or if I was kept what I would of been named. I have no Idea why my next born brother from my mother was named what he was. And Jill I am very dismissive of myself. One of my middle children says they see it as me having a fear of success. That may be the way my lacking of whatever it is comes out or across. Deeply (even hidden) damaged is the truth any way one looks at it.
Pamela, Thank you again for sharing your wisdom about the adoptee experience. And, thank you for for taking care of yourself. You have cared so much for me and others. I’m so happy for you to be giving back to yourself. Enjoy your healthy habits, enjoy your life! We’ll be in touch 🌷
Hi beautiful friend, Thank you so much for your kind words. It means the world to know that my sharing has made a difference for you.
Taking care of myself has been a long time coming, and I’m learning that it’s just as important as caring for others. I truly appreciate your support in this journey.
Wishing you all the best on yours as well, and I look forward to staying in touch. Take care and keep focusing on your own well-being, too! Hugs and love! 🩵 PK
I have found so much validation of my feelings from reading your writing and knowing others felt the same way. I find I want to talk about adoption with a friend I grew up with who was adopted but hesitate because I don't know if I would be overstepping boundaries by telling them what I've learned or how to begin that convo. My eyes truly opened about the impact of adoption when I read an article called "The Fog". I was 57.
Hi Doreen, I’m so glad my writing resonated with you. It’s great that you want to connect with your friend about adoption. You might start by sharing what you’ve been learning and ask if they’re open to talking about it. Everyone’s journey is different, so letting them guide the conversation is key. It's wild but I grew up in a home with my adopted sister, adopted from another family and we never once talked about adoption! Ever!
“The Fog” can be a real eye-opener, and it’s never too late to gain that understanding. Take it one step at a time. Hugs and love from me to you! 🩵
Thank you. Hugs and love back to you Pam!
I never spoke with my also adopted (not blood) sister I grew up with about being adopted untill our 2nd parents passed. Yes speak with your buddy. And yes let them guid the conversation. Direct them to an adoptees connect meeting if one is around you guys.
Wow. That is very interesting but not surprising if you grew up in the late 60s, 70's or before. I just reconnected with this friend who lives in a different state. She was the only friend I knew who was adopted, she was of mixed race and I couldn't figure out why her parents were white and she was not, until my folks told me. I have to figure out my way into the conversation about it, because it would be through messaging or text and that is not the optimal way of communicating.
Good morning, Doreen! :D
It sounds like a meaningful reconnection, and I can see why you're being thoughtful about how to approach the conversation. I agree, messaging can feel tricky for deep topics like adoption, especially when it's something as personal as being of mixed race in a white family. Perhaps you could ease into it by sharing memories from when you were younger, which might naturally lead to the subject.
You could also express curiosity about how life has been for her and see if she opens up about her experiences. It’s great that you want to approach this with care—showing that you're open and interested can make a big difference.
Thank
you for the advice. I will let you know how it goes!
I have heard the same from so many adoptees, that they never spoke to siblings they lived with about being adopted. So wild, and such a huge elephant in the room! As kids, I think we just didn't know what to say or how to say it, and it was buried deep below the surface maybe? So strange to me! Especially when its a huge part of who we are!
Hello Miss Pamela.
I am an adult adoptee from Sikkim, India.
Today I got to read your story. I feel so grateful to the universe for giving me this opportunity and I thank God for this. After reading your article I felt so good for the fact that am not alone in this journey. I am 26 now and all this while I was finding it hard to accept the pain and the suffering that came with adoption. I was trying to ignore and run away from feeling the pain of adoption. But after reading your story, it gave me courage to accept and the strength to heal myself from all the childhood traumas. So glad that now I can read your article often in Substack. I know it will help me a great deal as I navigate through the complexities of adoption and my healing journey from now on. I really look forward to meeting you in person and have a podcasts.
We can connect in whatsapp if it's not an issue. My whatsapp no. is 7076104152.
Sending you love and light
Nawraj Gurung (Dahal)
Adult Adoptee
Sikkim.
Hi Sikkim - Thank you so much for your beautiful message—it truly touched my heart. I am so glad you found me! Sometimes when we come across other adoptees who have similar feelings and struggles, it can change EVERYTHING! I am so grateful that you found strength and courage in my article, and knowing that it resonated with you means the world to me. You are definitely not alone on this journey, and I’m so glad that my story has given you a sense of connection and validation as you navigate the complexities of adoption and healing.
I’m sorry I don’t use WhatsApp, but I would love to stay in touch here on Substack! I look forward to hearing more from you and continuing this conversation as we both walk this path of healing. Sending you love, light, and all the strength you need as you move forward. Sending you so much love! XOXO PK