Being A Stuck Adoptee, Habitual Oversharing, Trauma Dumping, Plagued With Chronic Storytelling.

As a classic chameleon adoptee, I learned to smile brightly for the world while carrying a heavy burden of pain deep within me.

Photo by Graham Padmore on Unsplash

Being adopted can be a tumultuous journey filled with inner conflict and turmoil. The constant battle within ourselves, fueled by the secrecy, lies, and half-truths surrounding our origins, can be overwhelming. It feels like living in a constant state of uncertainty, never truly knowing where we come from or who we are.

The weight of the deception can be suffocating, leaving us feeling lost and disconnected from our true identity. The internal struggle to reconcile the conflicting emotions of betrayal can be exhausting. It's a lonely and isolating experience, grappling with the tangled web of emotions that come with being adopted and the war within ourselves that arises from the lack of transparency about our past.

Being a stuck adoptee, habitually oversharing, trauma dumping on anyone who would listen, and plagued with chronic storytelling was my life until I found the right tools that walked me out of the darkness and into the light. I chose to seek healing and recovery from the harms of relinquishment and adoption. I wanted better, and my children deserved a happy, healthy mother.

I have a lot to share about these topics. I remember the days when I thought I was going to die from a broken heart for a million reasons, all tied into my adoption story. I will never forget the times in my life when I couldn't see past the pain of relinquishment and my adoption experience, feeling like I was serving a life sentence for a crime I didn't commit.

The joy in life everyone else talked about was nowhere to be found. My sorrow and sadness were like a dark cloud hanging over my head, following me everywhere I went. I would describe myself as hollow and empty inside, hating who looked back at me when I looked in the mirror each day. The self-hate was a result of feeling like I was bad. Not knowing who I was or where I came from left a gigantic void in my life. A void I tried to fill with everything under the sun between food, drugs, alcohol, sex, people, and the list is endless.

As a classic chameleon adoptee, I learned to smile brightly for the world while carrying a heavy burden of pain deep within me. On the outside, I appeared to effortlessly blend in with my surroundings, adapting to every situation and person I encountered. But inside, I felt lost and alone, struggling to find a sense of belonging and identity. The constant pressure to hide my genuine emotions and put on a facade of happiness took a toll on my mental and emotional well-being. 

Photo by Niklas Kickl on Unsplash

Despite my outward appearance of resilience, I longed for someone to see past my smile and genuinely understand the pain I was carrying. It was a lonely existence, one where I felt like I was constantly wearing a mask to shield myself from the world's judgment and scrutiny.

Consider Reading: She's Bad. 

CHRONIC STORYTELLING

Many adoptees find themselves stuck in a cycle of chronic storytelling because we lack the appropriate tools to grieve the losses of our biological parents, ethnicity, and other aspects of our identity. Without proper support and guidance, adoptees may struggle to process our emotions and move past our trauma and they may turn to chronic storytelling as a coping mechanism.

Constantly reliving and retelling their experiences can help them process their emotions and seek validation from others. By sharing our stories, we may be seeking reassurance that our feelings and experiences are valid despite the invalidation we have faced in the past. 

Additionally, chronic storytelling can be a way for adoptees to reclaim our voice and agency in the face of trauma. It's essential to approach an adoptee who is a chronic storyteller with empathy and understanding, recognizing that our need to share our stories stems from a place of pain and vulnerability. By listening attentively and offering support, we can help adoptees heal and find validation in healthier ways.

We have to acknowledge that most adoptees are lied to, and we internalize our feelings because our society has only saved space for the positive, "feel good" adoption stories. Adoption is almost always a mixed bag of emotions, and most adoptees are seeking their truth but navigating roadblocks along the way. 

I have learned as an adult adoptee that the chronic storytelling of traumatic events can often stem from deep-rooted feelings of loss, abandonment, and confusion. Adoptees have experienced significant trauma in our early years, whether it be through separation from our biological parents, abuse in our adoptive homes, or other challenging circumstances. 

These experiences can leave lasting scars on our emotional well-being, leading to a need to constantly retell our stories to process and make sense of our past. It is a way of expressing our pain and seeking empathy from those around us. Most of us have never had the opportunity to share our feelings on how it feels to be adopted, so in adulthood, when it all starts to unravel, we can't stop sharing, sometimes leading to oversharing.

Unfortunately, many adoptees do not receive the validation and support they need, leading to feelings of isolation and further trauma. Validating an adoptee's experiences and feelings of all adopted individuals is crucial in helping them heal and feel heard. 

OVER-SHARING MIGHT BE A TRAUMA RESPONSE.

Oversharing can often be a trauma response for adoptees. We sometimes feel the need to divulge personal information to cope with past experiences. I was stuck in this for years! I learned that it can be a way to seek validation, connection, or even control when we may have felt powerless. It's essential to approach adoptees who are oversharing with empathy and understanding, as the individual adoptee may feel vulnerable and need support. 

Encouraging healthy boundaries and open communication can create a safe space for adoptees to share at our own pace. It's also important to gently remind them that they are in control of their own narrative and that they have the power to set limits on what they share. By approaching oversharing with compassion and support, we can help adopted individuals navigate their trauma responses in a healthier way.

TRAUMA DUMPING IN THE ADOPTEE COMMUNITY

Trauma dumping is when an adoptee shares our most profound, often painful experiences with another person without their consent or without considering if the other person is in the suitable mental space to handle it. Adoptees may do this because we seek validation, support, or relief from life's emotional adoptee burdens. 

This can be incredibly harmful, leaving the listener feeling overwhelmed, anxious, and even retraumatized. It can also create a one-sided dynamic in the relationship, where one person is constantly giving, and the other is continually receiving without reciprocation. 

However, it is essential to remember that everyone has their own struggles and boundaries, and it is not fair to unload our trauma onto someone without their permission. It can be overwhelming and triggering for the other person, potentially causing harm to their mental health. 

Before adoptees share profoundly personal or traumatic experiences with someone, it is crucial to ask them if they are in a mental space to receive such a conversation. By checking in with the other person and respecting their boundaries, we can create a safe and supportive environment for both parties involved.

I have been guilty of this at times, especially when I first started to come out of the fog (about 15 years ago!) about my adoption experience and began to find my voice by sharing my adoption story. I didn't know what trauma dumping was. I only knew that I finally found my voice, and sharing my feelings for the first time in my life felt freeing. 

Like me, many adoptees aren't familiar with trauma dumping, nor do they know how to manage complex emotions from our adoption experiences. 

Whether someone is adopted or not, or it's in person or on the internet, I feel like it's important to remember that everyone has their struggles and limitations. It's not fair to burden someone else with our own trauma without their consent. It's essential to seek out therapy or other professional help to process and heal from our own trauma rather than dumping it onto others. 

BECOMING UNSTUCK AS AN ADOPTEE

So, how can an adult adoptee become unstuck and find healing? 

I was a stuck adoptee for many, many years. I lacked tools, and I was also never validated in my heartbreak and pain from my adoption experience. I found myself telling the traumatic parts of my story, over and over again, like a broken record because I was hoping someone would acknowledge my feelings and validate that the way I was feeling was normal for a not-normal situation, and that is relinquishment and adoption. 

INTENTIONALLY TAKING MY POWER BACK TO FIND HEALING TOOLS FOR MYSELF.

Unfortunately, not one person in my adoptive family has validated my big adoptee feelings, nor have I ever felt comfortable talking to any of them about how it feels to be adopted. 

I learned over time that no one was coming to save me. I had to save myself. Even when we didn't choose this path for ourselves, we must choose to heal from the heartbreak purposefully. No one is going to do it for us. 

One way is to seek intentional action and find healing tools that work for each of us. This may involve therapy, support groups, journaling, meditation, hobbies, writing, or other forms of self-care. Adoptees need to explore different avenues of healing and find what works best for them. For example, some adoptees may find solace in connecting with their cultural roots and exploring our heritage. 

This may involve learning about our birth culture, participating in cultural events, or connecting with other adoptees from similar backgrounds. By embracing our heritage, many adoptees can find a sense of belonging and connection that may help them heal from our past traumas. 

Additionally, adoptee-competent therapy can be a valuable tool for adoptees seeking healing. Therapy can provide a safe space for adoptees to explore their emotions, process their trauma, and develop coping mechanisms for dealing with our pain. Therapists who specialize in working with adoptees can offer valuable insights and support to help on our healing journey. 

I have learned great things from other adoptees who have navigated EMDR therapy and Internal Family Systems. I have experience with both of these therapies and highly recommend them. 

SHARING OUR STORIES, FINDING OUR VOICES

When we share our stories as adoptees, a beautiful transformation begins to happen within us. As we open up and let our tears flow, we start to release the pain and hurt that we have been holding onto. In the act of sharing our vulnerabilities, we begin to heal. Our tears gradually dry up, and a sense of relief and lightness washes over us. 

Finding our voices and speaking our truth is essential in this healing process. The support and understanding of the people in our lives allow us to feel safe enough to share our stories. Their compassion and empathy create a space for us to be heard and validated as adoptees, allowing us to heal and move forward with courage and strength. Sharing our stories is a powerful form of healing, and through this process, we find a sense of connection, understanding, and, ultimately, healing.

Finally, healing from trauma as an adult adoptee is a profoundly personal and individual process. Adoptees must prioritize self-care, seek support from others, and be patient with themselves as we navigate our healing journey. By taking intentional action and finding healing tools that work for each of us, adoptees can begin to move past our trauma and find peace and acceptance within themselves.

Creating tools or resources could bring purpose to a painful life and would benefit other adoptees if they weren't previously available. Acknowledging our pain and suffering without dismissing or minimizing our emotions is essential. By validating our experiences, adoptees can begin to heal and move forward in our journey toward self-acceptance and healing. 

Let's strive to create healthy, balanced relationships with those in the adoption community and our personal lives built on mutual support and respect for adoptees. We certainly didn't ask to be dealt the deck of cards we have been dealt, let alone set ourselves up for a lack of tools, resources, and support. But when those who know and love us can "Just Listen" and become hearts with ears, it changes everything for adoptees. 

Q & A

For my fellow adoptees, how do you feel about this topic? Do you feel like you have experienced telling the same story over and over, or at times, overshare your story but do not understand why? How has your experience (if you have this experience) being validated helped you? What have you needed from those in your life that you haven’t received? Please drop your thoughts below!

ADOPTION: GRIEVE, GROW, GLO NEWSLETTER COMING SOON!

I am launching a second newsletter for Adoption: Grieve, Grow, Glo. It will be a newsletter dedicated to exploring the intersection of adoption, grief, and loss. This platform is a safe space for anyone in the adoption constellation to come together, heal, and learn. Adoption is a complex journey that often involves deep feelings of grief and loss. It's important to acknowledge and address these emotions in order to truly heal and grow. That's why I’m launching the new newsletter - to shine a light on the often overlooked aspects of adoption and provide support and education for those navigating this unique path.

To all adoptive parents and prospective APs, we want to extend a special invitation. This newsletter will offer insights and ideas on how to navigate your own grief and loss, as well as how to help your adopted children process their own emotions surrounding adoption. It's crucial to understand that simply replacing one family with another does not erase the original loss. If left unaddressed, this unresolved grief can manifest in unhealthy ways later in life. I believe that by changing the narrative and addressing grief and loss head-on, we can create a healthier and more supportive environment for everyone in the adoption constellation.

By following this newsletter, you'll have access to workshops on grief and loss, free tools and micro sessions, as well as valuable insights from Pamela. We invite you to join us on this journey of healing and growth. Together, we can create a more compassionate and understanding world for everyone in the adoption community. While the newsletter is under construction, you can go ahead and follow it to never miss an article. Thank you for being a part of Adoption: Grieve, Grow, Glo.

Father’s Day Is Around The Corner! I’ve launched an entire Father’s Day Greeting Card line for our biological fathers! Order sooner than later to save room for shipping! Don’t see a card that fits your story? Leave a special request here.

Photo by Jan de Keijzer on Unsplash

I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.

I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. It can be found here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.

Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.

Understanding is Love, 

Pamela A. Karanova 

Here are some of the writing pieces I’m the proudest of:

Adoption: Mislabeled, Medicated, & Diagnosed Adoptees Could Be Grieving Profoundly.

The Perplexity of Forced Bonding in Adoption - I share my thoughts on the bonding process in adoption.

100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption - 100 Transracial Adoptees come together to share feelings on how adoption has impacted them.

Adoptees, Why Are You So Angry? - Adoptees share feelings on why they are angry.

Why Do Adoptees Search? An Adoptee Collaboration - Many adoptees experience why they choose to search for biological families.

100 Heartfelt Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption - 100 Adoptees come together to share heartfelt feelings on how adoption has made them feel.

My Friend Has an Adopted Child, and They Don’t Have Any Issues with Being Adopted - Shining a light on the comment so many adoptees hear over and over.

Here are some of the articles I have been featured in:

These Adoptees Refuse to Be Christian Pro-Life Poster Kids by Kathryn Post of Religious News Service.

Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben.

Before a month celebrating adoption, a day to recognize adoptees’ trauma by Religion News Service.

Bringing Adult Adoptee Issues to Light by Angela Burton of Next Avenue.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article and podcast are that of the author, Pamela A. Karanova. These articles are for educational and entertainment purposes only. Nothing shared on this platform is to be taken as psychological, medical or legal advice. Reproduction of the material contained in this publication may be made only with the written permission of Pamela A. Karanova. While it is Pamela’s hope that you find the information in her website useful and informative please note- the information contained in this website is for general information purposes only. The information is provided by Pamela A. Karanova with the goal of having the information up-to-date and correct; she makes no representations or warranties of any kind, express or implied, about the completeness, accuracy, reliability, suitability or availability with respect to the resources list on the website or the information, products, services, or related graphics contained on the resources listed on her website. Any reliance you place on such information is therefore strictly at your own risk. Through this website you are able to link to other websites which are not under the control of Pamela A. Karanova. She has no control over the nature, content and availability of those sites. The inclusion of any links does not necessarily imply a recommendation or endorse the views expressed within them.