Being Adopted, Failed Therapy Attempts & Therapying The Therapist.
These years were the most challenging years of my life. Once again, any therapist I saw never discussed relinquishment trauma.
IN THE BEGINNING
I started therapy at five years old when my adoptive home was in nonstop shambles daily. My adoptive dad divorced my adoptive mom and left us after one year of marriage and adopting two daughters (we share no DNA) eleven months apart.
He eventually told me," You should have never been adopted; she couldn't take care of the first one!" He also confirmed that, at times, we would stay at other places because she couldn't get her act together. That gives me a glimpse of what my first years were like. It also lets me know that my adoptive dad abandoning us with her knowing she couldn't care for us, is a hard reality to swallow. He moved on, remarried, and had a new family to tend to. We saw him occasionally, but he was always far away, and I never felt like I bonded with him. I don't know much about him because he wasn't a talker.
My adoptive mom was mentally ill and had frequent suicide attempts in front of us and manic depressive episodes. She was narcissistic and addicted to prescription pain pills and mood stabilizers. She was toxic and an unfortunate example of a "mother." I never bonded or felt connected with her, and I relive traumatic memories from my childhood regularly.
One that stands out the most is when she had a manic episode, got upset, and went and lay in the street as we watched in horror from our third-story apartment window. Another was her chasing my sister with scissors screaming, "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!" at her.
Consider Reading: The Narcissistic Adoptive Mother.
I had an adopted sister 11 months older than me, with whom I never got along. We didn't share any DNA, only the same adoptive mother and father. The three of us living together, never getting along, was a recipe for disaster. It was traumatic, unpleasant, and I was unhappy throughout my childhood. Running away to nature was the only escape I had.
Without being able to ask my adoptive mom what took us all into therapy when I was a child, (she's dead), my guess is that she needed to do what the doctors said to get her prescriptions. Family therapy was likely one of the orders, and her medications to keep her alive would keep coming. I remember pills everywhere, all the time growing up. One thing is for sure, without a shadow of a doubt, she was addicted to them.
I remember sitting in the therapist's rooms, taking turns, sometimes alone and sometimes all 3 of us together, and anytime we would share something about our adoptive mom's behavior, the therapist would confront her because she was the adult in the home. She would become a five-year-old child, defensive, and cry hysterically, a perfect example of what we dealt with daily in our home. She was unstable, and that’s putting it mildly.
She never changed anything, and if the therapist pissed her off, we never went back, which was every time we went. So, that gives you a glimpse of how many therapists I saw as a child. So many I can't count, and sadly, the reality is that adoption was never discussed or talked about ever.
I remember one of the therapists talked to all three of us about what to do when things escalate into an "episode." We were all advised to go to our rooms and shut the doors to take some cool-off time. My sister and I listened to the therapist. Still, our adoptive mom would be outside our bedroom doors banging and crying hysterically, having a mental meltdown until we would finally break and open the door.
My adoptive mom was never willing to address her behavior and make any changes. Things were so dysfunctional, wild, and disordered. It was all I knew, and I never saw what a typical home looked like. By the time I was twelve years old, I saw more therapists than I could dream of counting. Adoption trauma and relinquishment trauma were never brought to the table.
TURBULENT TEENAGE YEARS
By age thirteen, I had been arrested for burglary, grand theft auto, and assault. Instead of examining the root of my pain, this began my teenage life, where I was labeled a "juvenile delinquent." I dropped out of "regular school" and attended the school for the "bad kids." By fifteen years old, I was a runaway, in an abusive relationship, and I found out I was pregnant. Sadly, I miscarried due to the physical abuse I experienced.
I was in and out of group homes, detention centers, on probation all my juvenile years, and wound up in drug and alcohol rehab at fifteen. These years were the most challenging years of my life. I acted out in every way imaginable and was forced to see countless therapists during this time. Once again, any therapist I saw never discussed adoption, relinquishment, and adoption trauma.
Consider Reading: The Vital Contrast Between Separation Trauma, Relinquishment Trauma, and Adoption Trauma and Why We Should Consider The Difference.
When I reached adulthood at eighteen, I returned to another therapist's office. My mental health was to be examined because I said I didn't want to finish school. After all, the world was going to end. No one knew it, but I was experiencing suicidal ideation and attempted to take my life when I was seventeen. I kept it a secret and wished I had never woken up that day, but I did. I was mad at myself for not succeeding because now all the pain was back, and once again, I was drowning in it with no resources or tools to help me along the way. This therapist never once brought up relinquishment trauma or adoption trauma.
Reality set in and shattered a false hope that my birth mother would come back and get me. My pain from the separation from my birth mother and mixed with abandonment and rejection, left me feeling like I couldn't go on. The only way I could see past the pain was to take myself out.
TONGUE TIED
Some might wonder if I was feeling all these feelings, why didn't I bring it up to the therapists? That's a great question. I (like many adoptees)was coerced to be thankful and grateful that someone took me in when my biological mother didn't want me. I was told that my birth mother's sacrifice was my adoptive mom's greatest dream come true. Her feelings always trumped mine, and I knew to keep quiet about my true feelings from a young age.
When I finally started talking about adoption, I was well into my thirties, and it only happened when I could finally connect with other adoptees online. All the years before this, I described myself as being tongue-tied. I would feel feelings, but they couldn't come out of my mouth.
They were always brewing below the surface, but adoption is infiltrated with secret keepers, lies, and half-truths. Like many adoptees, I am always more worried about others' feelings than honoring my own.
ADULTHOOD
At least half a dozen times, I found myself in various therapist offices as an adult, only to be let down repeatedly. None of them addressed adoption or relinquishment as a root cause for my issues, nor did they acknowledge this as a factor in my heartache and pain.
Only after I started connecting with adoptees in 2012 on Twitter did I emerge from the Fog about adoption-related issues and experiences. I began articulating by speaking my feelings gradually but writing them was the key when I was in the presence of other adoptees. I was still tongue-tied when it came to non-adoptees, so allowing them to come out of my mouth was much more complex than if I was to put them in writing.
I began researching relinquishment, birth mothers, adoption, trauma, gaslighting, narcissism, anger, rage, prenatal and perinatal bonding, the baby scoop era, the primal wound, etc. I wanted to learn as much as I could so I could then begin to understand myself.
The manipulation, gaslighting, and coerciveness in adoption practices today do a number on adoptees, and I am here to bring that to the table. While unraveling all of the layers of my adoption experience, big gigantic feelings started to rise, and I didn't know how to process them. Once again, I fell into a dark hole, and in 2017 I gave therapy another chance. But this time was different.
Instead of going in mindlessly, I could articulate my feelings out of my mouth because I gained confidence while connecting with other adoptees. The forced & coerced "thankful & grateful" adoption narrative pushed my whole life fell to the wayside because it wasn't how I felt. Instead, it's how I was told to feel.
The therapist was intrigued to learn more about the primal wound, relinquishment trauma, and adoption trauma from my adult adoptee perspective. I spent several sessions educating her, even bringing her a copy of The Primal Wound.
But there's a problem with this. Now I had indeed stepped into the space of therapying the therapist. Once this reality dawned on me, I threw in the towel on my therapy and realized this was doing me no good.
In 2019, I was dealing with some adoptee triggers, so I decided to try another round of therapy. I reached out to a few close friends and received a referral for someone who was adoption competent. After one visit with her, I learned she was an adoptive mom. Adoption competent doesn't mean adoptee competent. Due to the conflict of interest, I was again done with therapy. I shared this experience in an article on my website.
Consider Reading: When Ignorance is Bliss, My Experience With Therapying the Therapist.
While 2019 was my last therapy attempt, I have been seeking assistance for adoptee-related issues and relinquishment trauma for most of my life. I have never been able to resolve any of my issues by taking this step. Instead, it has left me feeling high and dry, left for dead by the world. One more failed therapy attempt to add to the lifelong list and I was officially done. We must find what works for us because we are responsible for our healing, recovery, and happiness.
FIVE THINGS THAT WORKED FOR ME
Finding Purpose in The Pain: I was not giving up. Because of this, I have had to take matters into my own hands and find alternative solutions that work for me. One of the areas that has created a tremendous healing area is connecting with adult adoptees in person in my community. From 2011 to now, I have built relationships with adoptees online, bringing me great joy. However, in person is a different kind of extraordinary. This is one of the many reasons Adoptees Connect, Inc. was started and the core vision behind what we do. It's taken the pain and found purpose in it.
Writing My Heart Out: I have been writing about my feelings about adoption for over a decade and have found it to be one of the most remarkable healing tools I have discovered. For adoptees, it helps us articulate our words and feelings without them coming out of our mouths. As I have shared my theory of being "tongue-tied" in this article, it's been a great way to bypass that and activate emotions, experiences, and feelings about adoption deep down. Writing is excellent therapeutically, and in helping myself by freeing myself in my writings, I also help other adoptees. Writing is a win, win.
Nature, The Great Escape: Nature was my great escape when I was a child; leaving the abusive homes I was forced to live in became a refuge for me. As an adult today, it still provides the same. The hustle and bustle of everyday life can consume us all, and it's so important to break away and find what makes us happy. Nature, waterfalls, and hiking is my sanctuary, always there in my times of need.
Learning How To Process Big Adoptee Feelings: Due to the nature of being conditioned on how to feel and being tongue-tied most of my life, now that I have been working on my adoptee/relinquishee issues, I have had to learn how to process massive adoptee feelings in healthy ways. That will look different for everyone. One thing is for sure, our feelings as adoptees are normal for a not-normal situation. Nothing is normal about being separated from our biological families at the beginning of life.
Accepting Adoptee Pain Is Here to Stay: The sooner I accepted adoption trauma and relinquishment trauma would be lifelong visitors, the sooner I began to heal. The idea they would be gone one day or that I could pray them away was a total setup, and it didn't work for me. I have accepted that some wounds are too big to heal, and relinquishment trauma compacted by adoption trauma are two of those wounds. Accepting that they would be lifelong visitors and embracing the big adoptee's feelings when they come has given me a great understanding of myself.
What works for one person might not work for the other. That’s why trial and error is so important. Thankfully, many adoptee therapists are rising on the scene, so adult adoptees have a better chance at seeking therapy than I did throughout my life. Some of you have found a great therapist that works for you, which is lovely. However, resources created for adoptees by adoptees are still slim to none for many. This is where our visions need to be brought to life. This is where we step outside ourselves and put action behind our dreams.
Consider Visiting: Adoptee Therapist Directory.
For non-adopted individuals that have made it this far, please know that adoptees often need the tools or resources to work on their adoptee issues, but what if there aren't any? Some of them have tried and been let down with nowhere to turn. I can vouch that there haven't been most of my life. As you can see by my extensive record in attempting therapy, it hasn't been beneficial regarding relinquishment trauma, adoption trauma, grief, loss, heartbreak, rejection, abandonment, etc. If you know and love an adoptee, please consider extending empathy and compassion. Many of us have spent a lifetime with no resources or tools. While times are changing, we still have very far to go.
Q & A
For my fellow adoptees, how has your experience with therapy gone throughout your life?
Have you found a non-adopted therapist that works for you? Or, have you found an adoptee-centric therapist that has been beneficial?
If you haven’t found therapy to be beneficial to you, what has worked for you?
Drop your comments below!
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. You can find it here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
ASK ME ANYTHING COLUMN
Each month, all subscribers receive an “Ask Me Anything” newsletter — which will answer one or two adoptee-related questions from paid subscribers. Think: What adoptee healing tools have been the most valuable to you? How have you navigated the grief and loss process? What made you want to search for your biological family? How was your reunion once you searched? Do you regret searching? If you have a question for me, please email it to: pamelakaranova@gmail.com
Here are two recent questions:
When Speaking to Adoptive Parents About Adoption
Ways to Better Understand and Support Adopted Teens
Here are a few articles I recommend reading:
100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption by Pamela A. Karanova & 100 Transracial Adoptees Worldwide
What Are the Mental Health Effects of Being Adopted? By Therodora Blanchfield, AMFT
10 Things Adoptive Parents Should Know – An Adoptee’s Perspective by Cristina Romo
Understanding Why Adoptees Are At A Higher Risk for Suicide by Maureen McCauley | Light of Day Stories
Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben
Relationship Between Adoption and Suicide Attempts: A Meta-Analysis
Reckoning with The Primal Wound Documentary with a 10% off coupon code (25 available) “adopteesconnect”
Still, Grieving Adoptee Losses, What My Adoptive Parents Could Have Done Differently.
therapy has been a lifelong process from family therapy that was basically parent-teacher meetings, to therapists who were ABA-heavy (that has now been discredited by the AMA thankfully, as it is extremely harmful to autistic and ADHD people like myself) I have a therapist currently who is fantastic, adoption-competent, and definitely more easy to talk to, compared to the ABA-centric ones I had in the past who also never addressed my adoption trauma they saw my trauma responses as "behaviors". My current therapist is trauma-informed too which is fantastic!! (I've had other trauma that isn't adoption-specific) A thing I use as therapy when I have time between meetings is going to the ice rink and skating and shooting a few pucks around! (At least in the winter) I love the sound of a hockey puck hitting a hockey stick-- it's music to my ears!! and I listen to music and journal as well!! I also go and pet cats at the animal shelter and pets-mart as a way to calm myself as cats are my favorite animals! their purring is also calming! ❤️