Breaking the Silence: The Vital Role of Truth in Adoptee Healing
When the truth about our origins is kept from us, it’s as if a piece of our soul is held captive. This captivity can manifest in various ways.
“There comes a point where we need to stop just pulling people out of the river. We need to go upstream and find out why they’re falling in.” – Desmond Tutu
The Truth is What Heals
In the intricate web of adoption, the one thread that holds everything together is truth. Without it, we are left to navigate a labyrinth of secrecy, lies, and half-truths that can consume our very being. As an adoptee, I have come to understand that knowing the truth about our origins is not just a desire but a fundamental need for healing.
The Critical Importance of Truth in Adoption
For adoptees, the search for truth is not a mere curiosity; it’s a quest for identity and wholeness. The truth provides a foundation upon which we can build our understanding of who we are, where we come from, and why we were adopted. Without this knowledge, we are left with a void that is often filled with confusion, self-doubt, and pain.
The Damage of Secrecy and Lies
Secrecy and lies in adoption create a toxic environment that breeds mistrust and emotional turmoil. Having my truth withheld created an intense war within myself, leading to extremely harmful and risky behaviors and severe self-esteem issues. I remember looking in the mirror and hating what I saw because I didn’t know who I was or where I came from. This self-hate ran deep, and it would take a lifetime to unravel the root of why I felt this way.
It felt like I was null and void, empty inside, with a dark cloud perpetually hanging over me. For many years, the pain of being an adoptee with a life shrouded in secrecy was so overwhelming that I wanted to die just to escape it. I had no tools to cope, and no one in my life was willing to help me find my truth. Even therapists let me down, leaving me to drown in my sorrow and sadness. This profound sense of loss and identity crisis was a constant, gnawing agony that consumed my existence. When the truth about our origins is kept from us, it’s as if a piece of our soul is held captive. This captivity can manifest in various ways:
Mental Health Struggles
The unknown can lead to anxiety, depression, and a constant feeling of being ungrounded. The mind races with questions that have no answers, creating a sense of perpetual instability. The psychological toll of not knowing one’s background can be profound, leading to chronic stress, health and mental health issues.
Identity Crisis
Without the truth, forming a solid sense of self becomes nearly impossible. We are left to wonder about our biological roots, cultural heritage, and genetic history, which are all vital components of our identity. The absence of this knowledge can make us feel like we are living in someone else's skin, never fully understanding or embracing our own.
Broken Relationships
Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship. When we, as adoptees, discover that we have been lied to, it can shatter our trust in our adoptive parents and others who perpetuated the secrecy. This betrayal can lead to strained or even broken relationships, leaving adoptees feeling isolated and unsupported.
The Agony of the Unknown
Adoptees around the world are suffering from the agony of the unknown. The lack of information about our birth parents, the circumstances of our adoption, and our medical history can feel like a never-ending ache. This agony is not just emotional but can have severe physical consequences. Some adoptees have reported physical illnesses (myself included) exacerbated by the stress of not knowing their biological history. The sense of being lost and disconnected can be all-consuming, leading some to take drastic measures, even ending their lives, to escape the pain.
For adoptees, not having access to our medical history is a significant and often overlooked hardship. The absence of this crucial information leaves us (and our families!) vulnerable to unforeseen health issues, unable to provide doctors with vital background details that could impact our diagnoses and treatments. It's terrifying to face medical uncertainties without knowing if a condition runs in our biological families or if we might be at risk for hereditary diseases.
Consider Reading: Being Adopted: When Your Truth Is Held Hostage.
This lack of information not only jeopardizes our physical health but also adds to the emotional strain of feeling disconnected and incomplete. The anxiety and frustration of living with unanswered questions about our genetic makeup and potential health risks are burdens that no one should have to bear. Medical history is not just data; it’s a fundamental right that profoundly affects our well-being and peace of mind.
The Path to Healing Through Truth
The path to healing begins with uncovering the truth. Here’s how knowing our truth can help us move toward healing:
Acceptance and Understanding
When we know the truth, we can begin to accept our reality. Acceptance does not mean we have to like or agree with the circumstances of our adoption, but it allows us to come to terms with it. Understanding the truth enables us to make peace with our past and integrate it into our present and future. No truth, no healing, half the truth, half healing.
Embracing Our Story
Every adoptee has a unique story. Embracing our story, with all its complexities and nuances, is a crucial step toward healing. When we know the truth, we can begin to see our journey in a new light, appreciating the strength and resilience it has taken to get to where we are today. This acceptance is a powerful tool in our healing journey.
Building a Complete Identity
The truth helps us build a complete picture of who we are. It fills in the gaps in our personal history and allows us to connect with our biological roots. Knowing our heritage, cultural background, and genetic information provides a sense of belonging and completeness that is essential for a healthy identity.
Reconnecting with Our Roots
For many adoptees, reconnecting with our roots is a profound experience. It can provide answers to long-held questions and offer a sense of closure. Understanding our biological background allows us to honor our heritage and integrate it into our lives, creating a fuller and more authentic sense of self.
Rebuilding Trust and Relationships
Transparency and honesty are the foundations of trust. When the truth is revealed, it opens the door for genuine communication and the possibility of rebuilding trust with those who may have kept secrets. It also allows us to form new, authentic relationships based on honesty and mutual respect.
Healing Broken Bonds
The revelation of truth can be painful, but it also offers an opportunity for healing. By addressing lies and secrecy, we can begin to mend broken bonds and build healthier, more authentic relationships. This process is not easy, but it is a vital step towards emotional well-being.
Advocacy and Empowerment
Knowing our truth empowers us to advocate for ourselves and others. It gives us the strength to demand transparency in adoption practices and to support fellow adoptees in their search for truth. By sharing our stories and speaking out against secrecy and lies, we can work towards a future where truth is valued and protected in the adoption community.
Supporting Each Other
The adoptee community is a powerful source of support. By connecting with others who have experienced similar journeys, we can find solace and strength. Sharing our stories and advocating for change together makes our voices louder and more impactful.
The truth is not just a tool for healing; it is the very essence of our ability to heal. Adoptees deserve to know their origins, to have their questions answered, and to live without the burden of secrecy and lies. The agony of the unknown is a grave disservice to adoptees around the world, but together, by seeking and sharing the truth, we can move towards a future where healing and wholeness are possible.
Moving Towards Wholeness
Healing is a journey, and truth is the compass that guides us. By embracing the truth, we can navigate the complexities of our adoption stories and find a path toward wholeness. It’s time to break the chains of secrecy and lies and step into the light of truth, where healing and acceptance await.
Discovering the truth about my adoption and origins was undoubtedly painful, yet it brought a sense of completeness that I had never experienced before. I realize now that I only traded one type of pain for another. The agony of mental torment, filled with endless questions and unknowns, was replaced with the tangible pain of rejection from my birth parents. Finding people who didn’t want to be found was a double rejection at its finest. However, there was a critical difference between these experiences. One path, although difficult and disappointing, allowed me to acknowledge and accept my truth. The other path, shrouded in secrecy, robbed me of that opportunity.
Consider Reading: Adoptee Search & Reunion: Trading Pain for Pain.
I always say now the truth is always better than a lie, no matter how awful it might be. Many people, especially those within the adoption constellation, believe they are protecting us by withholding information. But they need to understand that we cannot heal from secrets and question marks. We can, however, heal from whatever the truth unfolds. Knowing the truth at age-appropriate times allows us to process it, confront it, and work through the emotions it brings. While the pain doesn’t simply vanish, we can find the right tools to heal and move towards the ultimate goal of living a happier life despite our beginnings.
Consider Reading: If God is a God of Truth, Shouldn’t the Adoption Process Be Rooted in Honesty and Transparency?
When people withhold our truth, they hold our healing hostage. They prevent us from moving forward and keep us trapped in a cycle of unknowing and unrest. The truth, no matter how painful, gives us a foundation to build upon. It allows us to face our reality head-on and to seek out the support and resources we need to heal. By embracing our truth, we take back control of our narratives and our lives. We can begin the journey of healing, acknowledging our past while striving for a brighter, more fulfilled future. It’s through this process that we can transform our pain into strength and our confusion into clarity.
Let us embrace the truth, no matter how difficult it may be, for it is in the truth that we find our strength, our identity, and our peace.
Thank you for reading. If you haven’t already, subscribe to The Real Adoptea Moxie on Substack to stay connected with stories and insights that matter. Remember, truth is our path to healing, and together, we can make a difference.
I acknowledge that not all adoptees may feel the same way, and I don't claim to speak for every adoptee. Maybe the truth for them was more painful than the agony of the unknown. Each of us has our unique journey and perspective shaped by our individual experiences. While the absence of truth and medical history has profoundly impacted my life, leading to deep emotional and physical challenges, others might navigate these aspects differently. My writings come from my personal lived experience, and I share them in the hope that they resonate with those who might feel similarly. My goal is to foster understanding and support, recognizing that every adoptee's story is distinct and valuable in its own right.
Q & A - Let’s Dive Deeper
After exploring the powerful role of truth in healing for adoptees, I'm sure you have questions, thoughts, or personal experiences you'd love to share. What challenges have you faced in discovering the truth about your adoption? How has knowing or not knowing your adoption story impacted your sense of identity? Have you experienced any breakthroughs or healing moments related to uncovering your truth? What advice would you give to other adoptees struggling with secrecy and lies in their adoption journey? How can adoptive parents and birth parents support adoptees in their quest for truth? Feel free to share your answers, stories, or any questions you have in the comments below. Let's support each other on this journey towards healing and understanding. Can't wait to hear from you!
I'm thrilled to invite you to a special experience: a virtual Table Talk with me! Imagine a cozy, one-on-one chat where we can dive deep into all things adoption. Whether you're seeking insight, advice, or simply a heart with ears to listen, I'm here for you. Let's create a space where we can share, learn, and connect on a personal level. Grab your favorite beverage, get comfy, and join me for a conversation that promises to be enlightening, supportive, and full of heart. I can't wait to meet you and hear your story!
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. It can be found here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
Here are some of the writing pieces I’m the proudest of:
Adoption: Mislabeled, Medicated, & Diagnosed Adoptees Could Be Grieving Profoundly.
The Perplexity of Forced Bonding in Adoption - I share my thoughts on the bonding process in adoption.
100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption - 100 Transracial Adoptees come together to share feelings on how adoption has impacted them.
Adoptees, Why Are You So Angry? - Adoptees share feelings on why they are angry.
Why Do Adoptees Search? An Adoptee Collaboration - Many adoptees experience why they choose to search for biological families.
100 Heartfelt Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption - 100 Adoptees come together to share heartfelt feelings on how adoption has made them feel.
My Friend Has an Adopted Child, and They Don’t Have Any Issues with Being Adopted - Shining a light on the comment so many adoptees hear over and over.
Here are some of the articles I have been featured in:
These Adoptees Refuse to Be Christian Pro-Life Poster Kids by Kathryn Post of Religious News Service.
Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben.
Before a month celebrating adoption, a day to recognize adoptees’ trauma by Religion News Service.
Bringing Adult Adoptee Issues to Light by Angela Burton of Next Avenue.
Everything you write about the truth, and the adoptee need to discover and know it and the healing power of it resonates with me. I was 42 when I got tired of waiting for "the truth" to be told and when I realized I had to go and find it myself. I was relentless in my pursuit of it, it made certain family members uncomfortable, or hurt but in the end it lead me to emotional freedom.