If God is a God of Truth, Shouldn't the Adoption Process Also Be Rooted in Honesty and Transparency?
For those who believe in a God of truth, it is vital to question why the process of adoption, which is supposed to be a good and loving act, is shrouded in secrecy and lies.
I am constantly getting emails and messages from believers who want to tell me I need to find Jesus, give all my adoptee pain to God, and forgive my adoptive parents and birth parents. Just last week, someone sent a mile-long email preaching to me, telling me what I need to be doing when it comes to my beliefs and my own personal adoption journey. The more messages and emails I get like that, the more I want to write about religion and the intersection of adoption, Religious recovery, Religious trauma, truth, and transparency. Bring it on because I surely have so much to say!
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Something that continues to blow my mind about God, Religion, and the Bible is how the word TRUTH is highlighted in the bible 248 times (varies by version), which lets me know that the truth is essential, as it should be. Yet, the harms of adoption by perpetrating secrecy, lies, and half-truths continue to be felt by hundreds of thousands of individuals who have done nothing to deserve to be dealt such a hand in life.
If the truth is so important, help me understand why so many adoptions are rooted in secrecy, lies, and half-truths. Make it make sense for those who are religious people or those who follow God, Jesus, the Bible, and Christianity.
Consider Reading: When God Calls You to Adopt.
Religion often emphasizes caring for the vulnerable and supporting those in need. Adoption is usually seen as a way to provide a loving and stable home for children who may not have one. Many religious organizations and individuals actively support and promote adoption to fulfill their beliefs in caring for the less fortunate. However, for most, the process of adoption is rooted in secrecy and lies. From the moment a child is adopted, a veil of secrecy is often placed over their origins and history.
Birth parents may be encouraged or even coerced into hiding their identity, and adoptive parents may be given limited or false information about the child's background. This culture of secrecy and lies in adoption can have harmful effects on all parties involved. Because of this, adoption practices are unethical, and the harm and damage caused by unethical adoption agencies and adoption practices can have long-lasting effects on adoptees in their childhoods, adoptees as they grow up into adulthood (and we do grow up!), and our families.
Unethical adoption practices can include coercion, fraud, and exploitation of vulnerable birth parents. In many cases, birth parents are pressured or manipulated into giving up their children for adoption, often without fully understanding their rights or the consequences of their decision. This is no secret in the community I serve, the adoptees as well as the birth mothers I have been in touch with over the years.
I recently connected with a birth father, Brandon Marteliz, whose daughter was stolen and kidnapped by the adoption industry by way of Heart of Adoptions, Inc., out of Florida. His story completely broke my heart. Why? Because his story is my story. I am his daughter, all grown up. I am speaking out for her and for him and all the other birth fathers whose rights are stolen by the adoption industry. The only difference between his story and mine is by the time I found my birth father; it was too late. He said he would have kept me if he had known, but he didn't know.
This is just one example of many unethical adoption practices by these agencies. I will be writing about Brandon's story soon, as well as highlighting some of these adoption agencies who are responsible for these criminal actions. I have a lot to say on this topic. Sadly, this isn't new and continues to happen constantly.
SOME NEGATIVE IMPACTS OF THE SECRECY, LIES & HALF-TRUTHS IN ADOPTION PRACTICES
For adoptees, not knowing our true origins can lead to feelings of confusion, loss, and identity issues. Many of us struggle with a sense of not belonging and may experience difficulties in forming healthy relationships. Statistics show that adoptees are 4x more likely to take their own lives, and our prisons, jails, mental health, and treatment facilities are overpopulated with adoptees.
These alarming statistics should shake everyone up.
Birth parents may also suffer from the loss of their child and the secrecy surrounding their decision to place the child for adoption. Additionally, the lies and secrecy in adoption can perpetuate a cycle of shame and stigma. Adoptees may feel ashamed of their adoption, and birth parents may feel guilty for their decision, all because of the secrecy and lies that surround the process.
Birth parents who are struggling financially or facing other challenges may be taken advantage of by unscrupulous agencies that offer financial incentives in exchange for their child. This can create a transactional and exploitative relationship between birth parents and adoption agencies, where the best interests of the child are not prioritized. The harm and damage caused by unethical adoption practices can have far-reaching consequences for all parties involved.
For those who believe in a God of truth, it is vital to question why the process of adoption, which is supposed to be a good and loving act, is shrouded in secrecy and lies. If God is a God of truth, shouldn't the adoption process also be rooted in honesty and transparency?
For those who know me well, this is a very significant piece of the puzzle as to why I am no longer a believer. But when I was a believer, one of the Bible verses I clung to about adoptees needing their truth was John 8:32: "Then you will know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." I have always believed that for adoptees to heal, we have to have the truth to know what we are healing from.
I will not list a million bible verses on TRUTH, but if you are a believer, you should already know them or know how to find them.
How does an adoptee heal from question marks, secrecy, lies, and half-truths? I never understood how so many people are wondering about the statistics on why so many adoptees are suicidal, some even ending their own lives. Adoptees are over-populated in prisons, jails, mental health, and treatment facilities. So many adoptees are STUCK because of a lack of tools, resources, and therapists who understand the complexities of the adoptee experience.
Yet, they fail to make the connection between root issues being separation trauma, adoption trauma, abandonment, rejection, abuse, and being stagnant in healing because if we don't know our truth, we don't know what we are healing from! Mix this with the lack of resources for adopted people; it's a no-brainer on the staggering statistics of adopted people. How is God a God of TRUTH, but so many of God's people support secrecy, lies, and half-truths in adoption?
RELIGIOUS COMMUNITIES AND ORGANIZATIONS NEED TO DO BETTER.
Religious organizations and individuals who support them and support adoption must advocate for ethical and transparent adoption practices. Birth parents should be supported in making informed decisions about their child's future, and adoptees should be given access to their true origins and history. Only through honesty and openness can adoptees begin to heal.
Consider Reading: Being Adopted: When Your Truth Is Held Hostage.
Again, we must recognize that adoption practices are not ethical, and the harm and damage caused by unethical adoption by agencies, attorneys, and our government can have long-lasting effects on all adoptees and their families. Unethical adoption practices can include coercion, fraud, and exploitation of vulnerable birth parents.
Look up Saving Our Sisters.
Read Relinquished: The Politics of Adoption and The Privilege of American Motherhood.
Furthermore, unethical adoption agencies may engage in fraudulent activities, such as falsifying documents or misrepresenting information about a child's background. This happens all the time! This can have devastating consequences for the adoptee, who may later discover that their biological family has serious medical or behavioral issues that were kept from them. This can cause a never ending life of unnecessary medical testing and significant health issues later down the road.
Consider Reading: Life-Saving Medical History, Secrecy, and Adoptees.
If adoption is rooted in secrecy, lies, and half-truths, I consider it an unethical adoption. Because almost all adoptions are rooted in this way, I consider them to be unethical. Even the adoptees who are removed from unsafe homes or neglected and abused in their family of origin deserve to know the truth. As painful as it might be, it is a piece of them.
Remember, they can't heal unless they have the truth.
While adoption is supported around the world, especially in evangelical communities, churches, and religious circles, I would like anyone reading this who is a part of such communities to think long and hard about supporting adoption when its very core and root is that of UNTRUTHS, FALSEHOODS, AND FABRICATIONS. It is essential that we hold adoption agencies accountable for their grievous and inhumane policies and actions.
I realize that so many people have beliefs about adoption that are the happy, positive spin; however, if you ever find it in your heart to sit down, one-on-one and create a welcoming and understanding space for adopted adults to have heartfelt conversations, I can guarantee you will change your mind.
WHAT'S THE SOLUTION?
Coming together to raise awareness about the harm and damage caused by adoption and adoption practices, we can conclude that supporting the separation of mothers and babies and supporting adoption rooted in secrecy, lies, and half-truths is not in the best interests of children and families. Be willing to listen and learn from adult adoptees, and open your heart to understanding that maybe you have been duped by the adoption industry.
Telling the truth, and the whole truth at age-appropriate times for every adoptee, is vital to learning who we are and where we come from. No one wants to see their child hurting, adopted or not. Still, I can almost bet money that if the truth isn't tackled sooner than later, it will eventually come out in behavioral issues, substance use issues, grief, loss, anger, rage, abandonment, rejection, and the list could go on.
HELP ADOPTEES HEAL AND STOP CO-SIGNING FOR UNETHICAL ADOPTIONS!
The Christian God is often described as a God of truth, honesty, and transparency. As believers in this God, Christians are called to uphold these values in all aspects of their lives, including supporting 100% truth and transparency in all adoptions.
I would like to see the entire adoption system deconstructed to the ground. I am an abolitionist who believes that guardianship and kinship care should be used instead of the corrupt practices of the adoption industry. I have seen these secrets and lies destroy many adoptees, and it has also driven them to end their own lives.
Because adoptions continue to flourish, I keep writing about unethical topics that supporters of adoption want to ignore and act like they don't exist. It is crucial that Christians, religious circles, churches, and others who support adoption also advocate for truth and transparency in all adoption processes.
If you sign the dotted line to adopt a child, you are responsible for the tools and truth they are given to navigate the complexities of being adopted. You are also responsible for giving them fabricated half-truths about their family of origin, and keeping secrets as well as spinning the lies the adoption industry perpetuates.
EVERY ADOPTEE DESERVES THE TRUTH AND ALL OF IT (at age-appropriate times), and they deserve everyone who says they love them to want the best for them. Hiding the truth is not in the best interest of any adoptee, young or old.
The truth can set us free, but not when it's kept captive by those who say they love us the most.
Q & A
For my fellow adoptees, what are your thoughts on this topic? For any believers reading, how do you make sense of this topic? Do you struggle with it? Or have you made peace with the intersection of adoption, truth and transparency? Drop your comments below!
IGNITE Friendship Portal UPDATE: Due to an overwhelming response to join the IGNITE Friendship Portal, we have started a waiting list for adoptees to join! The sooner you get on the waiting list, the sooner you will be added to the portal.
What is the IGNITE Friendship Portal? Click this link to learn more! IGNITE Friendship Portal, Sparking Adoptee Fires Around the Globe!
I hope where ever you are in your adoptee or adoption journey, you know you aren't alone. If you need someone to talk to, consider setting up a table talk chat with me. I have intentionally set aside this time to listen, hear and validate others who might need support. Click here to learn more.
If you are an adoptee who has made it this far, please know that you aren't alone, and how you feel is normal for a not-normal situation. Nothing is normal about being separated from our birth mothers and families at the beginning of life.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. You can find it here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
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Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
ASK ME ANYTHING COLUMN
Each month, all subscribers receive an “Ask Me Anything” newsletter — which will answer one or two adoptee-related questions from paid subscribers. Think: What adoptee healing tools have been the most valuable to you? How have you navigated the grief and loss process? What made you want to search for your biological family? How was your reunion once you searched? Do you regret searching? If you have a question for me, please email it to: pamelakaranova@gmail.com
Here are two recent questions:
When Speaking to Adoptive Parents About Adoption
Ways to Better Understand and Support Adopted Teens
Here are a few articles I recommend reading:
100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption by Pamela A. Karanova & 100 Transracial Adoptees Worldwide
What Are the Mental Health Effects of Being Adopted? By Therodora Blanchfield, AMFT
10 Things Adoptive Parents Should Know – An Adoptee’s Perspective by Cristina Romo
Understanding Why Adoptees Are At A Higher Risk for Suicide by Maureen McCauley | Light of Day Stories
Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben
Relationship Between Adoption and Suicide Attempts: A Meta-Analysis
Reckoning with The Primal Wound Documentary with a 10% off coupon code (25 available) “adopteesconnect”
Still, Grieving Adoptee Losses, What My Adoptive Parents Could Have Done Differently.
My churches refusal to hear me and the other adopted person in our group was one if the reasons I began questioning everything about the way they treated people(there were other reasons as well) I now have a tattoo; Vincit omnia veritas- truth always wins , which I consider my adoption tattoo.
My one concern is the age appropriate aspect . I have seen MANY adoptive parents and others who use this as a way to avoid honesty and trans, because it can be so arbitrary. My own adoptive family and the dozens of their acquaintances who knew and says nothing have given me numerous excuses for why telling me the truth at different times just wasn’t the right time. They decided for me what I was capable of, rather than providing the tools to navigate the truths in a healthy manner. I feel like the appropriate age can be a cop-out, and truth should prevail from day one. It is the afams responsibility to create a space where that truth can be integrated in a way that allows the person to understand and process the pain.
Going on 56 years old and the torture of my existence pretty much gets worse daily. One of my natural mothers older brothers is a Catholic Priest. I wish someone would send this to him. A copy to some of my religious natural and adoptive aunts too.