How Do I Tell My Adopted Daughter Her Truth?
Ask Me Anything Column: Dishing out AdopTEA RealiTEA one article at a time via The Real Adoptea Moxie by Pamela A. Karanova
ASK ME ANYTHING COLUMN
How Do I Tell My Adopted Daughter Her Truth?
QUESTION:
"As an adoptive parent, I have a seven-year-old adopted daughter. Her biological mother was on drugs and had several other children who were adopted out. She has been with us since she was two weeks old. Her biological father is in prison, the last I knew. She knows she's adopted but doesn't know the hard truth about her birth mother or birth father. As her mother, I want to protect her from ever learning this reality. I believe it will crush her. However, she is constantly asking about her birth mother. I want to support my daughter in her curiosity and feelings, but I'm unsure how to navigate this situation. Can you offer advice or insight on handling these conversations with sensitivity and understanding? Thank you for your guidance." - Veronica, Adoptive Mom.
Dear Veronica,
Thank you for asking such a heartfelt question. It is a hopeful attempt to seek clarity on how to share your daughter’s truth with her. I want you to know that your readiness to open the door of communication with your daughter is appreciated and admired. I wish more adoptive mothers had this openness. Several things stand out about your question.
Questions are normal and natural for adopted kids.
It is perfectly natural and normal for adopted children to have questions about their biological mother, biological father, and beginnings. Wanting to know where we come from and who our biological parents are is a fundamental part of human nature. As adoptive parents, it is vital to not only acknowledge these questions but also to support all adopted children in seeking the answers they need at age-appropriate times.
When these questions arise, it can be a complex and emotional journey for both the child and you as the adoptive parent. Responding to these inquiries openly and honestly while considering the child's age and maturity level is crucial.
Please consider that what you have heard about the biological family might not be true. Adoption is infiltrated with secrecy, lies and half-truths and so many of the stories we hear about our biological families is lies.
Please know it's not always what you say but how you say it. I am constantly hearing adoptive parents share the worst-case scenario about the biological parents as if they have it embedded in their minds the biological parents aren't worthy and have no good qualities. Their downfalls are brought to the forefront, and little to no positive qualities are shared with the adoptee. This can be internalized in a harmful way. No matter who they are, we are a part of them, and they are a part of us. Speaking about our biological parents with care, kindness, and honesty is essential.
If you know she had drug issues, you can share at the age-appropriate time, "Your biological mother had some issues with substances, and she wasn't able to gain control of this, so she lost her children, who were then adopted out. vs. your biological mother was a drug addict; she didn't want you or your siblings."
I wrote an article titled "My Biological Mother Was An Alcoholic, But I Didn't Love Her Any Less" many years ago. I truly meant that no matter what, she was still my biological mother, and I loved her. She was a hurting and broken woman. She was dependent on alcohol, which I am sure masked her pain from relinquishment and her divorce and, ultimately, what killed her.
Consider Reading: My Biological Mother Was An Alcoholic, But I Didn't Love Her Any Less.
Another example is, "Your biological parents were not good people; they were not married, had no help in raising you, and chose to give you away because life would be too hard trying to raise a baby this way in the 1960s vs. Your biological parents were young, unsupported, and unmarried. They very much wanted you but had no help in the 1960's."
It's also essential to remember that all people can change, even biological parents.
Just because our biological parents might have been a certain way when we were born, it doesn't mean they are still that way. It's important not to try to paint a harmful picture about the birth parents because a lot of time, we can internalize this and start to feel bad feelings about ourselves. They are a part of us, no matter what, and even with addictions, harmful lifestyle habits, and downfalls, they are still our biological parents. It is entirely possible to share the truth without painting a terrible picture of our biological parents.
If you haven’t accepted and made peace with the fact that your adopted child has biological parents who might be important to them, I suggest you seek therapy to come to terms with this. Truthfully, this should be explored and understood before anyone ever adopts, but a lot of times we are looked at as blank slates, and our beginnings are swept under the rug, as if they don’t exist. I can share enough that this line of thinking is extremely harmful and can possibly cause a wedge between you and your adopted child. It can also cause harm to the adopted child, who eventually grows up. The sooner you accept this, the better.
My birth parents were both raging alcoholics, but I didn't love them any less. Learning this, in my mid to late 30s, I had already spent over half my life using substances to numb my emotional pain from my adoption experience. If I had learned this truth much earlier on, I could have had conversations with my adoptive parents about alcoholism running very strongly on both my maternal and paternal sides. This information ultimately saved my life! But no one told me this truth, and I experienced a lot of unnecessary pain and made some awful choices, not knowing my truth, who I was, or where I came from.
Neglect and abuse are the exception.
"My adopted child's biological parents physically and sexually abused them and were using drugs instead of taking care of their children!" - says the adoptive parent.
Sadly, this can be a prevalent theme as to why adopted children are removed from their homes. I hate to break it to you, but their truth could still be very important to them, even when it’s heartbreaking. As adopted children grow up and ask questions, they must know the truth.
The first time this reality is shared, it could be something like, "I am so sorry, but your biological parents didn't create a safe and loving home for you, and because of this, you were hurt and not taken care of like you should have been.” vs, “The state came in, removed you, and that's how we adopted you. vs. your biological parents were trash, scum of the earth, and they didn't deserve to be parents because they abused you. They will rot in hell for what they did to you!"
While all of that might be true in your mind, there might be a day that your adopted child sits face to face with their biological parents, and they will hear their side of why things were the way they were. They will appreciate you sharing the truth in love at age-appropriate times much more than hiding their truth from them to “protect” them.
We can’t heal from secrecy, lies and half truths.
An adoptee’s truth has the remarkable power to bring healing to our hearts and minds. When we are honest with ourselves and others, we can confront our pain and work through it in a healthy way. By acknowledging the truth of our experiences, we can start the process of healing and moving forward.
On the other hand, adoption lies only serve to stall healing. When we deceive ourselves or others, we are creating a barrier to true healing. Lies can prevent us from facing our pain and addressing the root causes of our suffering. Only by embracing the truth can we truly begin the journey toward healing and wholeness.
I suggest seeking a therapist as an adoptive parent, first and foremost, before you ever adopt. If you have already adopted, it's not too late to get professional help to guide you through this process. I suggest becoming an expert in the Grief Recovery Method (I've been writing about this for years) so you can help yourself grieve, and then you will be more equipped to help your adopted child grieve their losses.
No matter what an adopted child’s beginnings were or weren't, 100% of them have experienced a loss FIRST.
Maybe you feel like you saved them, but they still had to go through a life-altering loss first. Those losses should be brought to light so we, as adoptees, can start grieving them as early as possible. If you don't have it in you to do this, you likely shouldn't adopt.
Consider Reading: If God is a God of Truth, Shouldn't the Adoption Process Also Be Rooted in Honesty and Transparency?
Every adoptee deserves to know their truth, and it is your responsibility as adoptive parents to provide that information in a supportive and loving way. The truth about their biological mother, biological father, and beginnings should be shared at age-appropriate times, allowing the child to process the information gradually.
Being transparent and honest from the beginning builds trust between the child and the adoptive parent. It is essential to recognize that our biological siblings and parents matter to most of us, regardless of the circumstances of our adoption. By providing information about their biological family, we are helping adopted children form a more complete sense of self and identity.
In some cases, adoptive parents may have unresolved issues or feelings surrounding the adoption. It is crucial for them to seek therapy or counseling to work through these emotions healthily. By addressing their own needs, adoptive parents can better support their children in their journey of self-discovery.
In conclusion, responding to a child's questions about their biological parents and beginnings is a crucial aspect of being an adoptive parent. Honesty, openness, and support are vital in helping our children navigate their identity and understand their roots.
Adoptees need to have our truth to heal from the wounds of being separated from our biological families. Without knowing our true origins, adoptees can feel lost and disconnected, unable to fully understand ourselves or our place in the world. This lack of truth can create a deep internal conflict that can be difficult to overcome. No matter how difficult or painful, the truth is always better than a lie.
Become an expert on grief, and apply it to your adoption experience and to your adopted child's experience.
Consider becoming a grief expert not only on your own grief and loss but also on learning how to help your adopted child grieve their losses. I am an advocate supporter of The Grief Recovery Method’s materials on “ When Children Grieve.” I am a Certified Grief Recovery Method Specialist® via The Grief Recovery Institute®. In the near future, I will be hosting some workshops for adoptive parents and adults to help adopted children process their grief. But first, it’s essential that adoptive parents process their grief first.
If you are interested in learning more about The Grief Recovery Method® workshops as an adoptive parent, leave me a message here. I can answer any questions you have and also place you on the waiting list for the workshops.
No truth = no healing.
Half the truth = half the healing.
Every adoptee deserves to know their truth in a loving and supportive environment. By embracing these questions and providing the necessary support, you can help adopted children develop a strong sense of self and belonging. This creates a more grounded adulthood for adopted individuals.
Only by facing our true story can adoptees begin to heal, find peace, and embrace our identity with confidence and clarity. It is a fundamental human right to know where we come from and who we are, and denying adoptees this truth only prolongs our suffering. Let us always strive to provide adoptees with the honesty and transparency they need to heal and thrive.
I have created a comprehensive list of Recommended Resources for everyone in the adoption constellation. Please read each piece and absorb as much as possible. In time, you will learn different layers of the adoptee experience to understand your son better.
Again, thank you for asking such a valuable question.
Q & A
For my fellow adoptees and subscribers, I would love to hear your thoughts on this question. What did I forget? What are your thoughts and experiences? A collaboration of adoptee voices will illuminate some of the dark areas of adoption, so please chime in below in the comment section.
Whether you're a free or paid subscriber, I'm excited to have you as part of The Real Adoptea Moxie Community. Thank you for supporting my work!
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
ASK ME ANYTHING COLUMN
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When Speaking to Adoptive Parents About Adoption
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This was wonderful. Parents are told during divorce to be careful to not disparage a child's other parent because it will negatively impact the child's self-esteem and cause parental alienation. This applies to adopted children as well. Also, many of these "negative" traits in bio family are actually part of the child's medical history and should be treated as such.