If Adoption Is Love, So Is Understanding Adoptees
By putting ourselves in an adoptee's shoes, we can gain insight into their point of view, find common ground for compromise, and understand the adoptee's experience.
One of the long-standing assertions behind adoption is that it stands for love, which is the cornerstone of adoption, all in the name of love. Well, also money. Money is why it exists. It is highlighted as a "win-win" from countless pulpits & by preachers, adoption advocates, and individuals worldwide. Adoption agencies are like liquor stores on every other block, and pregnancy crisis centers push support for unplanned pregnancies yet coerce adoption as a selfless option for many vulnerable women who come through the doors.
Side Note: I feel that my view of love is completely distorted due to being told my birth mother loved me so much she gave me away. However, many birth mothers say they love their babies and want them to have a better home and life, but this can never be guaranteed. It’s a mental mind f*ck for many adoptees to try to figure out what love is. Article is coming soon.
Consider Reading Why Love Isn’t Enough or A House Full of Stuff.
Adoptive parents say they want a child so significantly that they decide to start the adoption process and set out to provide what's assumed to be an unwanted child with unconditional love, a stable home, and endless dedication by completing the adoption process by legally adopting a child. They have all the material possessions to give the child, and for some APs, this comes with a long list of conditions.
The adoptive parents realize they were given insignificant information about how to navigate raising an adopted child. Still, it barely scratches the surface of their experiences with said child. What about the child who eventually grows up and has no say in all these monumental things happening to them? What if they have feelings but can't tap into them because they don't have the proper language to articulate such enormous adoptee feelings, and none of the adults in their lives will help them?
Consider Reading: Big Adoptee Feelings.
Many birth mothers seek out supportive spaces after the separation from their child, as they learn very quickly that they will never be able to "move on and get over" the baby they relinquished (sometimes stolen, coerced, or having no choice at all) as the pain is unbearable and the trauma of separation is real.
The pro-life movement jumps in so quickly to advocate for adoption regarding the unborn, but who is speaking up for said child regarding the trauma of separation and how it can impact each adoptee being separated from their biological mothers at the beginning of life?
Consider Reading: These Adoptees Refuse to Be Christian Pro-Life Poster Kids.
Adult Adoptees are finally unleashing our sentiments because we have a lifetime of lived experiences, but is anyone listening? It is crucially important to listen to adult adoptees because our voices and experiences provide invaluable insights into the complex and lifelong journey of adoption.
Here are a few reasons adult adoptee perspectives should be acknowledged, understood, and respected:
1. Authenticity: Adult adoptees have lived through the adoption experience firsthand and can offer genuine, authentic accounts of our emotions, challenges, joys, and identity formation. Our stories shed light on the reality of adoption, going beyond theoretical or impersonal discussions.
2. Emotional well-being: Listening to adult adoptees allows us to understand better the emotional impact that adoption can have on adoptees throughout our lives. Acknowledging our feelings can support emotional well-being and create a more empathetic and inclusive environment.
3. Identity exploration: Adoptees often grapple with questions surrounding our identity, including their cultural, racial, and genetic backgrounds, and more. Our unique perspectives can help us appreciate the complexity of identity formation and aid in developing more inclusive, transparent, and sensitive adoption practices.
4. Systemic improvements: Adult adoptees can provide valuable feedback on the adoption process and highlight areas that need improvement. By listening to our suggestions and experiences, we can work towards creating better policies, support systems, and resources to meet the needs of all individuals involved in adoption, especially adoptees.
5. Advocacy: Adult adoptees play a significant role in advocating for the rights and well-being of adoptees across the globe. Our voices can bring attention to issues such as access to birth records, mental health support, post-adoption services, and recognizing adoptees' cultural heritage.
Listening to adult adoptees is an act of respect and an excellent example of loving an adoptee. Trying to understand them means learning, growing, and ensuring that adoption practices evolve to meet the needs of those adoptees with lived experiences. By society valuing our insights, we can foster a more compassionate and inclusive society for adoptees.
I encourage anyone who knows and loves an adopted person to try to empathize and understand their feelings and experiences without judgment and step into a space to understand them more profoundly.
Why is empathy important?
Firstly, it allows us to connect with adoptees more profoundly and understand our emotions and experiences. This understanding helps build strong relationships based on trust, compassion, and mutual respect.
When we empathize with adult adoptees, we become more aware of their struggles, challenges, and perspectives. This awareness promotes a more tolerant and accepting society where adoptees feel valued for their unique backgrounds and experiences. Furthermore, empathy plays a crucial role in conflict resolution and problem-solving. By putting ourselves in an adoptee's shoes, we can gain insight into their point of view, find common ground for compromise, and understand the adoptee's experience.
Newsflash: It’s essential to recognize and accept that for one to truly understand what it feels like to be adopted, they need to be adopted themselves. I used to get so worked up talking to non-adoptees about adoption because they mostly just don’t get it! Once I accepted this reality, life became much easier for me.
However, anyone can try to understand. Thank you to everyone in my life who has held my hand, cried with me, listened to me, and always saved space for my feelings.
I have been given the gift of having several non-adoptee friends in my life who have done everything they can to try to understand me and learn the depths of my soul so they can understand why I am the way I am more profoundly. These are my people, adopted or not.
I tend to stray away from anyone who doesn’t have the willingness to try to understand me because I am done hiding parts of myself. I am done selling myself short to make others comfortable. I promised myself I would always be true to myself, so I am not for those people if I can’t share the real me. This is when I activate “moving on.” I get to stepping!
“I’m at peace with my journey and decisions; you should be too! You need to move on and get over it,” says the world, our birth mothers and adoptive parents.
Consider Reading: Jesus Didn’t Heal My Adoptee Wounds, But Accepting My Pain is Here to Stay Did.
What about the people, specifically adoptees, who aren’t where you are? What about the adoptees who don’t know about the tools for healing and have been gaslit, lied to, manipulated, and left for dead by the world who only wants to celebrate their trauma, dress it up, and call it “Adoption?” It’s easy for us to heal ourselves and leave everyone else for dead. Getting in the trenches and walking others out of the darkness where you once were is a true testament to empathy, love, and understanding.
“A hero is one who heals their own wounds and then shows others how to do the same.” - Yung Pueblo.
If I don’t care about the feelings of someone close to me, my fellow adoptees, and even those who aren’t close to me, and try to understand them and listen to their hearts, how can I say I love them?
How does anyone genuinely say they care for another but refuse to listen to them and understand their hearts?
Adoptees, if you have tried to share your heart with anyone close to you, and they are not interested in learning or understanding you, I suggest you move along. It hurts at times, but not as much as someone who says they love you and refuse to try to understand you. They often have unresolved issues of their own that they can’t unpack, which is what they are running from. It might not have anything to do with you.
Many years ago, I stopped giving my time and attention to anyone on this planet who is unwilling to listen, learn, and understand me. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made for my mental health. I stepped into a space of acceptance, and now I save my energy for supportive people and supportive spaces. No exceptions. I let go of the people who aren’t supportive.
Adult adoptees are over-represented in prisons, jails, mental health and treatment facilities. They are 4x more likely to attempt suicide than our non-adopted peers. We can't afford to ignore the voices and cries of adoptees worldwide. Adoptees are dying. I hope that more people make an attempt to try to understand adoptees and that the popular narrative of adoption shifts to a more truthful one.
Adoptee Remembrance Day - October 30th is approaching. Visit the links below to learn more about this day and ways to get involved.
Q & A
For my fellow adoptees, how do you navigate conversations with people who are unwilling to try to understand you? Do you walk away, or do you continue to see if they have a change of heart? What keeps you there, and what has been the deal breaker in you walking away? Who has given you the gift of understanding, if anyone? What did that mean to you? Drop your comments below!
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. You can find it here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
Here are a few Adoptee Remembrance Day articles I recommend reading:
Adoptee Remembrance Day: Today by Light of Day Stories
Before a month celebrating adoption, a day to recognize adoptees’ trauma by Religion News Service
Adoptee Remembrance Day by InterCountry Adoptee Voices (ICAV)
Adoptee Remembrance Day by Adoptees On
Adoptee Remembrance Day by My Adoptee Truth
Adoptee Remembrance Day Presentation by Brenna Kyeong McHugh
Adoptee Remembrance Day – October 30th by Bastard Nation
It’s Hard to Smile Today – My Tribute to Adoptee Remembrance Day – October 30th by Pamela A. Karanova
Adoption BE-AWARENESS and Remembrance By Mirah Riben
Adoptee REMEMBRANCE Day by Janet Nordine, Experience Courage
Adoptee Remembrance Day – October 30th YouTube Poetry Hosted By Liz Debetta
Listeners Acknowledge Adoptee Remembrance Day by Adoptees On
Loved this article. I try to help others understand but some people literally are so dense they don't want to learn...at that point I just limit contact with said person. But those who acknowledge my trauma are my people as well. and they see how f-ed up the system of adoption is and I appreciate them immensely and stick with them!