Internet Trolls and Cyber Bullies: The Adoptionland Hall Of Shame Continues To Grow
If you haven't yet experienced this vile and vicious community of individuals, consider yourself fortunate.
We are approaching ten years since the Adoptionland Hall of Shame was created, and it's been growing rapidly ever since. Internet trolls and bullies in the adoption community can be an absolute disgrace, so I started keeping a running list of all these bullies back in 2014. I've seen these disgraceful bullies be in the form of adoptive parents, biological parents, and, sadly, adoptees.
I think the adoptee cyberbullies and internet trolls hit differently because of all the people to stir up shit on the internet; they know what it costs to be adopted. They see the pain so many adoptees carry, and instead of supporting someone, they target them with a hateful smear, which only damages the adoptee more than they already might have been. Sometimes, they attack fellow adoptees and have no shame in what they say or do to talk down to them to attempt to silence them.
I haven't found many things more repulsive or disgraceful than this behavior from fellow adoptees. It's the bottom of the barrel to me. Suppose I witness it in the adoption community or someone shares these activities with me. In that case, I take notes adding these individuals to the Adoptionland Hall of Shame, and I am alarmed, cautious, and disgusted by these motives and activities.
I learned the hard way many years ago that when I don't like what someone is doing, it's not my place to extend my unsupportive outlook on their mission or vision. Today, I contemplate the reality that the adoptee community has been dormant and unsupported for our entire lives.
Now that adoptees are rising to the call and creating fantastic resources, cyber mobs, and internet trolls are trying to tear them down. It doesn't matter if I support their vision or mission or not; I support that they are doing something to raise awareness of the harms of adoption and create resources for the community that has been left for dead!
ANYONE CAN STIR UP TROUBLE BEHIND A KEYBOARD. ACTION IS KEY. CREATING RESOURCES IS VITAL.
My real question to every single one of these cyberbullies and internet trolls is, what are you doing to HELP THE ADOPTION COMMUNITY? SPECIFICALLY ADOPTEES? Besides sitting behind a computer, being a degenerate to the adoption community. The internet trolls I know of aren’t doing ANYTHING to create resources or healing tools for adoptees! Sadly, I have also seen social workers, attorneys, and therapists who are in the adoption constellation who are online cyberbullies and internet trolls. It’s very disturbing!
WHY CREATE A GROWING LIST OF ADOPTIONLAND CYBERBULLIES
I decided to start The Adoptionland Hall Of Shame in 2014 to ensure none of these bullies would ever be part of Adoptees Connect, Inc. because I have to protect Adoptees Connect and adoptees in our community at all costs. They are a part of the reason Adoptees Connect's core mission is meeting in person to take online relationships offline and get to know the person behind the profiles.
These Adoptionland troublemakers lurk in the shadows of the internet, causing chaos and spreading negativity and harm in adoption communities wherever they go. When we meet in person, it's a different vibe than the internet. I have left all adoptee or adoption-centered groups on Facebook due to the attacks I have seen, and I am not ever going to be a part of any group or community that allows these attacks to happen.
Sadly, due to the sensitive nature of this situation, the Adoptionland Hall of Shame is kept confidential for a million obvious reasons. But take note: I encourage everyone reading to start their own Adoptionland Hall of Shame to protect yourself, your organization, the community you advocate for, and the adoptees.
When we approach conversations online with the mindset of meeting someone where they are and trying to help them understand, we can have more productive and meaningful conversations. When we refrain from inserting our views, beliefs, and experiences with those who don't want to listen or learn and share them with those who have the WILLINGNESS to listen and learn, we are doing ourselves and the other person a favor.
UNDERSTANDING IS LOVE.
NOT EVERYONE WANTS TO HEAR WHAT WE HAVE TO SAY!
If we insert our views, experiences, and input into spaces where people are unwilling to listen and learn, it's like beating our heads against a wall. I stopped beating my head against a wall about 10-11 years ago, and I encourage you to do the same. We must know when to listen to our internal dialogue and when to MOVE ALONG and save our time, energy, and emotional labor for people in adoption spaces who WANT TO LISTEN AND LEARN.
It was a freeing move and a self-care and mental health decision I made for myself. It was one of the most significant decisions I ever made. If someone can't respect this, I cut them loose and remove myself from their space, as my mental health and emotional well-being are my priority, especially doing the emotional labor and heavy work I do in the adoption community. Sadly, I have had to remove adoptees from my sphere when they try to bring me into their cyber-bullying and cyber-mobbing attacks.
BE CAUTIOUS!
If you haven't yet experienced this vile and vicious community of individuals, consider yourself fortunate. I have experienced them in action and seen them harm countless people in the adoption community. One word of wisdom: never put anything in a private message on the internet or post a comment on a thread you wouldn't want the entire world to see.
Why? I have seen these bullies take private personal conversations and make them public to create a smear campaign on someone and create chaos and conflict for someone to the point they are driven to contemplate unliving themselves. The internet is not safe, and it never has been.
ADOPTIONLAND BULLIES WILL CONTINUE TO CAUSE STRIFE IF WE LET THEM, AND WE DO THIS BY GIVING THEM A VOICE.
In light of the increasing prevalence of online bullying and cybermobbing in the adoption community, it is crucial for individuals to understand how to handle such situations appropriately. When faced with personal attacks or witnessing someone else being targeted, responding responsibly and empathetically is vital.
If you find yourself being attacked online, it is essential to remain calm and refrain from responding impulsively.
Instead, consider the following steps:
1. Take a break: Step away from the situation and give yourself time to process it before responding. It is important not to let the hurtful words or actions of others dictate your own behavior.
2. Seek support: Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional for support. Talking about your feelings can help you process the situation and gain perspective.
3. Report the abuse: Most social media platforms have mechanisms to report bullying and harassment. Use these tools to report abusive behavior and protect yourself from further harm. Adoptees Connect has a new reporting portal here.
4. Document the abuse: Keep records of any harassing messages or posts as evidence of the abuse. This documentation may be helpful if further action is needed.
5. Seek legal advice: In cases of severe online bullying or cyber mobbing, it may be necessary to seek legal advice to protect yourself and take appropriate action against the perpetrators.
If you witness someone else being attacked online, taking action and supporting the victim is equally essential.
Here are some ways you can help:
1. Reach out to the victim: Offer support and let them know they are not alone. Sometimes, a simple message of solidarity can make a big difference to someone who is being targeted.
2. Report the abuse: Just as you would if you were the victim, report the abusive behavior to the appropriate authorities or platform administrators. Adoptees Connect has a new reporting portal here.
3. Speak out against bullying: Use your voice to condemn online bullying and cyberbullying. By standing up against abusive behavior, you can help create a safer online environment for everyone.
4. Offer resources: Inform the victim about how to seek help and support, such as counseling services or where to find legal advice.
BLOCKING AND BANNING IS MY BEST FRIEND.
When I first entered the online adoptee world in 2010, adoptees followed a narrative: never block or ban a fellow adoptee. As adoptees, we know how deep abandonment and rejection are. Blocking and banning another adoptee was forbidden, and no one ever did it due to the triggering it can cause a fellow adoptee.
Sadly, this was even applied to adoptees who are vile, abusive, hostile, cruel, and flat-out disruptive towards fellow adoptees and others online. I have been writing about this for over a decade, and I refuse to submit to this awful practice that we are just giving grace passes to adoptees who are abusive online just because they are adoptees themselves. I call bullshit on anyone who allows this behavior to continue, who doesn't take a stand and block and ban these harmful individuals.
YOU CAN'T REASON WITH INTERNET BULLIES!
By cutting off their access to you and your loved ones, you can protect yourself from their toxic behavior. It's important to remember that engaging in online bullying or cyber-mobbing only feeds into the narcissistic supply of the internet bully and the person who initiated the attack. By giving them our time and energy, we reward their negative behavior and enable them to continue their harmful actions. So, why do so many people still choose to engage in online bullying or cyber-mobbing?
Perhaps it's because they feel the need to defend themselves or others, or maybe they get caught up in the heat of the moment. However, it's crucial to remember that responding to these attacks only perpetuates the cycle of negativity and gives the perpetrators the attention they crave.
Instead of feeding into the toxic behavior of online bullies in adoptionland, let's focus on promoting kindness, empathy, and understanding. By refusing to engage in cyber-mobbing and choosing to spread educational information, we can help create a safer and more compassionate online adoption community for everyone. Let's use our time and energy to uplift others rather than feed into the destructive desires of internet bullies.
But why do these trolls engage in such destructive behavior in the first place?
There are many reasons why someone might become an internet troll or cyberbully in the adoption community. Perhaps they seek attention and validation or enjoy causing harm to others from behind the safety of their computer screen.
Whatever their motivation, it's crucial to recognize that their actions can have real and lasting consequences on those they target. I have personally witnessed these trolls targeting people I know and love, pushing them to the brink of a breakdown, and smearing their names across the internet.
It's heartbreaking to see the damage they can inflict, which is why it's so essential to stop engaging with them altogether. Instead, we must report these trolls, block them, and refuse to give them any more of our time and attention.
Cyber mobs are a particularly insidious form of online harassment, with individuals ganging up on a target to cause harm and spread negativity. This behavior is harmful and inhumane, causing deep pain and suffering to those on the receiving end.
WHEN TONE POLICING NEEDS TOSSED OUT THE WINDOW
Internet trolls in adoptionland often use the concept of "tone policing" as a shield when they are called out for their harmful behavior online. They claim that their critics are focusing on the tone of their messages rather than the substance and, therefore, attempting to silence them unjustly. However, it's essential to clarify what tone policing is and why it shouldn't be used to defend cyberbullying.
Tone policing refers to dismissing someone's argument or criticism based on how it is delivered rather than its content. It's a form of derailment that shifts the focus from the troll's harmful actions to the emotional reactions of those who might be standing up against them and calling them out. By accusing their critics of tone policing, trolls attempt to avoid taking responsibility for the harm they are causing and deflect attention away from their behavior.
But let's be clear - tone policing should never be used as an excuse to emotionally abuse or target individuals online. It's not about silencing dissenting voices or enforcing a particular way of communication. Instead, it's about holding people accountable for the impact of their words and actions on others.
When someone is being targeted and harassed online, it's not about the tone in which they respond - it's about the fact that they are being subjected to abuse and harm. Calling out such behavior is not tone policing; it's standing up against cyberbullying and advocating for a safer and more respectful online environment.
So, next time an internet troll or cyberbully tries to dismiss criticism by accusing others of tone policing, remember that it's not about the tone—it's about the harm they are causing. Don't let them deflect responsibility and continue their harmful behavior unchecked. Please stand up for what is right, and don't let tone policing be used as a shield for internet trolls to continue their toxic behavior.
PROTECTING OUR PEACE OF MIND ONLINE AND OFFLINE.
If you have experienced cyberbullying in the adoption community, I am genuinely sorry. You didn’t deserve to be treated this way. It's essential to validate your pain and take steps to stop online bullying moving forward. Together, we can eliminate and eradicate these trolls and cyberbullies in the adoption community, holding them accountable for their actions.
Remember, we are all responsible for our online behavior and will be held accountable. Don't give a free pass to those (adopted or not) who engage in cyberbullying - stand up for what's right and support those who are being targeted. Reach out to them directly, check on them, and see if you can do anything to help them feel seen and heard.
In conclusion, online bullying and cyber-mobbing in the adoption community are serious issues that require a compassionate and proactive response. By following these guidelines and supporting those who are being targeted, we can work towards creating a more positive and inclusive online adoption community.
Many years ago, Adoptees Connect, Inc. took a stand against cyberbullying and cyber-mobbing. We created a social media disclaimer that we apply to all our social media accounts and online spaces.
Check it out below.
Adoptees Connect, Inc - Social Media Disclaimer Policy
I encourage everyone in the adoption community to adopt a similar policy and apply it to all their online spaces. Together, we can create a safer and more supportive online community for all adoptees and others in the adoption community.
A New Waterfall Adventure
I recently ran away on a self-care solo day trip to Eagle Falls, around the Corbin, KY area. I have been here a dozen or so times, but every time, it is more beautiful. This time, we have gotten a ton of rain, so the waterfalls were flowing magically!
Father’s Day Is Around The Corner! I’ve launched an entire Father’s Day Greeting Card line for our biological fathers! Order sooner than later to save room for shipping! Don’t see a card that fits your story? Leave a special request here.
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. It can be found here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
Here are some of the writing pieces I’m the proudest of:
Adoption: Mislabeled, Medicated, & Diagnosed Adoptees Could Be Grieving Profoundly.
The Perplexity of Forced Bonding in Adoption - I share my thoughts on the bonding process in adoption.
100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption - 100 Transracial Adoptees come together to share feelings on how adoption has impacted them.
Adoptees, Why Are You So Angry? - Adoptees share feelings on why they are angry.
Why Do Adoptees Search? An Adoptee Collaboration - Many adoptees experience why they choose to search for biological families.
100 Heartfelt Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption - 100 Adoptees come together to share heartfelt feelings on how adoption has made them feel.
My Friend Has an Adopted Child, and They Don’t Have Any Issues with Being Adopted - Shining a light on the comment so many adoptees hear over and over.
Here are some of the articles I have been featured in:
These Adoptees Refuse to Be Christian Pro-Life Poster Kids by Kathryn Post of Religious News Service.
Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben.
Before a month celebrating adoption, a day to recognize adoptees’ trauma by Religion News Service.
Bringing Adult Adoptee Issues to Light by Angela Burton of Next Avenue.
What an outstanding (and much-needed) post. This 47-year-old adoptee rights activist has seen some shit, and sadly, some of the worst bullying has come from fellow adoptees. If I had to point to a reason, it’s probably unresolved trauma mixed with some narcissism. Whatever the reason, it’s not ok. Thank you for addressing this very important topic. ❤️