Kicking It With My Cosmic Mother On My Adoptee Birthday & The Captivating Magic in The Mountains.
A cosmic mother is a concept that transcends the traditional perception of motherhood and encompasses a universal nurturing and creative force that permeates the cosmos.
For several years, I have gained intense solace around my adoptee birthday by reframing MY STORY and creating something exquisite from a tragic and traumatic experience. That experience is rooted in the relinquishment trauma on the day I was born when I was separated from my biological mother.
Consider Reading: How Adoptees Feel About Birthdays.
When I was a little girl, Mother Nature was my great escape and one of the only places I could run and hide from the abusive adoptive homes I grew up in. Mother Nature was my safe place. I became disconnected from Mother Nature, so it was missing from around 12 years old until 2015 when I re-discovered my love for frolicking in the fields where the wild things are.
Mother Nature brings me back to my true essence and brings out the most beautiful parts of me.
In 2014, I left a very active life in the church for many reasons, and I set off to "go find myself." It was important to me to shed all the beliefs I had been conditioned to believe about adoption, life, God, Christianity, and more. I wanted to get to the most profound internal parts of myself, get honest with myself to find myself.
Who am I?
Where did I come from?
What do I believe?
How do I feel?
How has relinquishment & adoption impacted me?
While coming out of the fog in 2010, I learned that it was no secret that relinquishment trauma was brewing deep inside at the root, and it had spent a lifetime showing up in a million ways, and it was creating devastation in my life. I had so much healing and internal work to do, and in 2012, I did it. After a 27-year unhealthy relationship with alcohol, I put the alcohol back on the shelf for a decade to feel my big adoptee feelings. I knew alcohol was a deterrent and escape not to feel, so during that ten years, SHIT GOT REAL!
"a hero
is one who heals
their own wounds
and then shows others
how to do the same."
― yung pueblo, Inward
My long-held beliefs about God, church, and religion began to shift. After some time, I decided I could no longer participate in a belief system that harmed so many people. I discovered I suppressed many emotions instead of acknowledging and facing them. I was instructed to pray them away, which deterred me from processing my adoptee reality. It was harmful, and I am still navigating the trauma of religion.
I was propelled and pushed to "give it to god" during my time in the church. I can share that God never could ever replace my mother or heal my mother wound. I will write more about coming out of the fog about religion and Christianity eventually, but this article is about something else.
While God couldn't provide me comfort or healing with my missing mother, and the wound from relinquishment, Mother Nature has always provided comfort that I have never gotten anywhere else. As I have grown into my own woman, thinking for myself, believing the things that make sense to me, and honoring my true self while exploring the essence of who I am. I have built a deeper connection with Mother Nature, who I now consider to be my Cosmic Mother.
What is a Cosmic Mother?
A cosmic mother is a concept that transcends the traditional perception of motherhood and encompasses a universal nurturing and creative force that permeates the cosmos. It goes beyond the biological aspect of motherhood and embraces the idea of divine feminine energy that birthed and nurtures all existence.
The concept of a cosmic mother can be found in different mythologies and spiritual traditions throughout history. She is often associated with qualities such as unconditional love, compassion, wisdom, and the creation and sustenance of life. She symbolizes the interconnectedness of all beings and the nurturing aspect of the universe.
The cosmic mother represents the embodiment of the feminine principle, the yin energy that complements the masculine yang energy. She brings balance and harmony to the universe, just as a mother loves and cares for her children. She is seen as the source of life and the guiding force behind the cycles of birth, growth, and transformation.
In a broader sense, the concept of a cosmic mother invites us to recognize and honor the divine feminine within ourselves and in the world around us. It reminds us to embrace the qualities of nurturing, compassion, and interconnectedness, fostering a sense of unity and love for all beings. My Cosmic Mother embraces me in the sky, clouds, trees, sun, moon, stars, mountains, waterfalls, creeks, rivers, streams, fresh air, hiking trails, birds, butterflies, and so much more.
With my experience with my Cosmic Mother, adoptive mother, and birth mother, I can share that my Cosmic Mother, AKA Mother Nature, has been far more loving, understanding, and compassionate than my birth mother and adoptive mothers. While none of us have the choice to write the beginning of our stories, we have the capabilities to take back what was hijacked because of adoption and rewrite our stories for the rest of our lives. EVERYTHING GOT EXHILARATING once I realized I finally got to choose my life's trajectory!
Consider Reading: Reclaiming What Adoption Dismantled: A Happy Birthday.
Do you mean all the future pages of MY STORY are MINE to write? After this revelation, I dove all in at creating my bucket list. I had plans, fun things to look forward to. Going to Tennessee on a solo trip and waking up in The Great Smokey Mountains has been on my bucket list for a few years.
I decided to kick it off this year to celebrate my 49th birthday. I traveled to Top of The World, Tennessee because it's one of the highest elevation points in The Great Smokey Mountains! I picked this location to kick off my birthday celebration because, in the next year of my life, I will elevate to the top of the world! I genuinely speak LIFE into another trip around the sun! Plus, 49 is the new 29!
I got rained out of my tent, and the KOA campground I stayed at in Townsend, TN, upgraded me to a micro cabin for a small upcharge. The campground was right outside the entrance to The Great Smokey Mountain National Park, so I was surrounded by Mother Nature, wrapped in her love the entire weekend. I found a beautiful waterfall and spent several hours basking in the presence of the magic that surrounded me. So many things are magical regarding the mountains and being submerged in Mother Nature. I wanted this for my birthday: to recharge, reset and rejuvenate myself after a long, exhausting, challenging year.
I recently discovered a new song I am feeling called “Jerico” by an indie artist named Iniko. The lyrics profoundly resonate with me, being adopted and constantly feeling like I’m an alien from outer space, never fitting in and never belonging anywhere. Check the video out here: Jerico. Learn what the lyrics mean here.
“I'm high; I’m from outer space
I got Milky Way for blood, evolution in my vein
I'm gone; I’ve been far away
I'm a luminary now, makin' moves, startin' waves
I've been dreaming about flying for a long time
I had a vision from the grey's; they wanna co-sign
Artificially intelligent, new-AI
I'm your future, past and present; I’m the fine line
Yeah, I'm a missing link in this illusion
I am not really here, I'm an intrusion
I don't swim or sink, I just float
I don't need gravity, I just need growth
When I move, it's an earthquake rumble
I will never, ever fall, never stumble
And I don't need to be humble
Break down walls like Jericho, crumble
I can go higher
Past the stratosphere, I can catch fire
I can go hard, I don't even need to try, yeah
Starblood, I don't ever get tired
Predestined, written in stone
I feel it coming in, I feel it in my bones
Heavily protected, never alone
Tapped in, I'm connected to the unknown
When I move, it's an earthquake rumble
I will never, ever fall, never stumble
And I don't need to be humble
Break down walls like Jericho, crumble” - BOOM. Powerful.
Here are a few photos of my birthday adventure to The Great Smokey Mountains!
One of the best parts is that this is only the beginning of reclaiming what adoption has dismantled. Every year, month, and day of my life, I plan on doing the things I love with the people I love. I will focus on doing what makes me feel great and draw closer to the people who make my heart happy. I will continue to work on myself and my hang-ups and process my adoptee reality healthily by saving space for complicated feelings. I will remind myself that all my feelings about relinquishment, adoption, and my life story are entirely normal for a not-normal situation. Nothing is normal about being separated from our biological families at the beginning of life.
It feels great to choose to be in control of MY LIFE when so many others controlled the trajectory that caused lifelong pain I never signed up for or asked for. For my fellow adoptees who might be reading, don't give up hope that one day you will find true happiness amid the chaos adoption brings. Five years ago, I was neck deep in believing I would die from a broken heart from relinquishment trauma compacted by adoption trauma. I am no longer in that space but work towards healing and happiness daily.
Set Up A Wellness Table Talk Session!
I am here for you! Consider setting up a virtual one-on-one wellness table talk session with me if you need a lifeline or someone who understands. We can meet weekly, once a month, or once a year. You pick what works best for you. I added some more times for availability to accommodate those who want to navigate a healing journey and a better understanding of the adoptee experience. I am here to support you! Let me know if you need a different time than the ones listed, and I can set up a specific time for you.
Click here to learn more and book your table talk today.
Q & A
Adoptees, what is stopping you from writing your own story? For those who are writing their own story, what has inspired you the most?
Drop your comments below.
Special "Thank you" to all the birthday love. I received love everywhere, between calls, texts, gifts, coffee donations, and more. You all sure make a lady feel special! I appreciate you!
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. You can find it here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
Here are a few articles I recommend reading:
100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption by Pamela A. Karanova & 100 Transracial Adoptees Worldwide
What Are the Mental Health Effects of Being Adopted? By Therodora Blanchfield, AMFT
10 Things Adoptive Parents Should Know – An Adoptee’s Perspective by Cristina Romo
Understanding Why Adoptees Are At A Higher Risk for Suicide by Maureen McCauley | Light of Day Stories
Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben
Relationship Between Adoption and Suicide Attempts: A Meta-Analysis
Reckoning with The Primal Wound Documentary with a 10% off coupon code (25 available) “adopteesconnect”
Still, Grieving Adoptee Losses, What My Adoptive Parents Could Have Done Differently.
I’m so glad you had an awesome birthday weekend!! I had surgery yesterday and figured out how to stream hockey games to my tv in my room. My aMom said “don’t wake me tomorrow if you want Christmas presents” I value my Christmas presents and my life so I’m not messing that up. I started writing my story to process my feelings of being an adoptee and in hopes I can help others and connect with them!!! I’ve always been able to tell stories in general except for my own. I am hopefully going to be on another podcast once my surgery healing is more complete. And I want to shed light on the medical issues of being an adoptee as having no knowledge of family history medically.
Thank you for sharing your birthday celebration. What a way to show up for yourself! You are showing so many adoptees how to overcome our trauma. I love the idea of the cosmic mother as she has soothed my pain for many years. I'm so glad you showed up in my life, Pamela. You are an amazing example to all of us. Wishing you many more happy, healthy years wrapped in the arms of our cosmic mother.♥️