Reclaiming what Adoption Dismantled: A Happy Birthday
Despite my beginnings, I deserve to be celebrated, but this realization didn't happen overnight. It slowly transpired over a decade of coming out of the fog about Adoption.
Every year, there has always been deep sorrow, sadness, and despair on my birthday, which falls on August 13 each year. Sometimes it even falls on Friday the 13th, which is interesting to navigate. It makes its peek-a-boo appearance during June & July months leading up to my birthday and only worsens as the dreaded day approaches and gets closer.
The moment August 13th transitions to August 14, the feelings are behind me, in the rearview mirror, until the following year, when it rolls around again. For the non-adoptees who might be reading, I would like to explain why this is so.
UNDERSTANDING THE PARADOX OF AN ADOPTEES BIRTHDAY
It's not only for myself but the majority of the hundreds of thousands of adoptees I have come to know and love in the decade and beyond that I have been building close relationships with them.
The thoughts that have always plagued my mind as the dreaded day approaches are that of my birth mother and what happened on the saddest day of my life; the day I was born was when I lost her. I have visualized and thought about what things were like for her and me leading up to August 13, 1974.
It was likely a hot summer day, and she hid her pregnancy from the world. I was told she wore baggy overall bibs to hide her belly with me inside because she didn't want anyone to know about the baby she was carrying because the questions would start pouring in.
While she did her best to hide me, everyone close to her already knew she was pregnant by a close friend of the family, who was around ten years older than her. She was never seen without a drink in her hand, even throughout her pregnancy with me. Did her drinking increase during her pregnancy to avoid dealing with the realities of what was happening? If I was to guess, I believe so.
Alcohol is excellent at creating a bypass for people to avoid dealing with reality. I share with great sadness that I drank alcohol before birth because of my birth mother's lifelong habit of being a daily drinker. Did she drink the day she had me? Or the day she went home from the hospital?
I believe contractions started, and she headed to the hospital and checked in under an alias. I learned she worked until the day she had me and returned to work the next day as if my grand entrance into the world didn't even exist.
What was the vibe in the delivery room that day? Who was there to comfort her? What did she feel when she gave birth, knowing she would never hold me, name me, see if I was okay, or leave the hospital with me? There was no way the vibe from that day was cheerful, and no one was celebrating, praising, or commemorating.
I was an inconvenience, unwanted, unloved, and abandoned by the woman that should love me the most, my mother. Others attached the label to her and renamed her "birth mother." The world has coached me; that is what I should call her.
As June and July approached in 1974, I can only imagine how much she wanted to get this inconvenience and mistake over with. She also kept her pregnancy a secret from my birth father, who knew nothing of my existence until I showed up at his door in November 2010. I was given up without his consent.
I learned her best friend sent her flowers to the hospital; however, they were returned because she went into the hospital under an alias. I can only imagine the day she gave birth to me was the saddest day of her life and no doubt it was the saddest day of mine.
For those that had never thought of this, when when I lost my birth mother the day I was born, terror took over, and I cried so painfully my spirit broke because the most meaningful thing to me vanished, leaving me all alone in the most crucial time of my life when I needed her the most.
While I genuinely believe for her survival, she had to detach from me before I was even born, so I think of what it was like to have a baby inside, moving, growing, and trying to attach to her. Still, she rejected every idea of that happening. I recently wrote about it.
Consider Reading: An Adoptees Wound: Being Rejected Before Being Born.
My birthday reminds me of the day I came into the world and lost everything, my birth mother. At the same time, all adoptees walk a different path regarding relinquishment, adoption, grief, loss, reunion, C-PTSD, etc. Some adoptees aren't impacted by their birthdays in this way, but in my experience, I have yet to meet one of them.
I composed an article several years ago that shares how over thirty adoptees feel about our birthdays. When I read this, I know I'm not alone. Remember to read the comments because many more adoptees have chimed in.
HOW OTHER ADOPTEES FEEL ABOUT BIRTHDAYS
Consider Reading: How Adoptees Feel About Birthdays.
Adoptee Voice #12
My birthday is in May, and I think of it as the day I was given to the universe rather than the day I lost my whole family.
Adoptee Voice #15
It didn't seem much different than any other non-adoptee birthday until I learned last year that my birth mother and I share the same birthday. It must have been the worst birthday present ever.
Adoptee Voice #19
I always thought that the day I was born was the ultimate irony. I came into this world on Mother's Day. I could never understand how that must have felt for my birth mother. My feelings towards my birthday fluctuate with my feelings for my biological parents. When I was younger, I had deep anger & spent my birthday wondering if they were thinking of me, hoping they were & hoping that it hurt like hell. My anger morphed into depression, and my birthday has since caused me a deep sense of sadness & it is the time when I feel the greatest sense of abandonment.
BIG ADOPTEE BIRTHDAY FEELINGS
For the first 45 years of my life, despair, and sorrow took over every fiber of my being as the dreaded day approached. I didn't know how to shake it, and I didn't know how to feel it. The emotions were so big, yet I was forced to smile for those close to me because they wanted to celebrate me. At the same time, I love them for that, but it's so hard to pretend.
It feels like death, and I can't breathe, but non-adoptees will never understand my grief, loss, pain, and sorrow. I genuinely believe the unresolved wounds from relinquishment trauma have been the anchor of this pain that has reverberated throughout my life.
It became more intense on my birthday than ever because this day was the root issue that caused the lifelong pain from relinquishment. It was the last moment I was connected to the woman who gave me life. How could I not be consumed with plaguing thoughts of her on that day and the days leading up to it?
When I was a child, I started having a reoccurring dream that is still vivid in my mind as it still visits at times. Imagine the maternity ward where my birth mother checked in under the alias, everything is all white, and you see empty hallways, rooms, and nurses' stations.
The long hallway goes on forever and ever. I'm wearing a hospital gown, around five years old, and I run down the hallways pulling curtain after curtain back, screaming in hysteria, looking for her. The hallway is so long all I can see at the end is where an oversized gigantic white clock hung. The time was spinning and spinning faster the closer I got, but forever is a long time, and that's how long I was running down the hallways in search of her, never finding her. The dreams always ended with me waking up in hysteria, only to revisit the same dream later in life.
UNRAVELING THE LAYERS OF TRAUMA FROM RELINQUISHMENT.
Over a decade ago, I started unraveling all the damaged layers from adoption and relinquishment trauma. I was challenged to put myself in my birth mother's shoes, fight the world for my truth and get to the bottom of MY STORY despite the world lying to me every step. I learned who I am and who I am not, and the mask I hid behind to protect others' feelings over my own eventually fell off.
When I emerged out of the fog, there weren't resources or tools to navigate the feelings I was having. I was on my own, winging it like many adoptees. I sat neck deep in the wounds I had run from my entire life, and I had to learn how to FEEL THEM.
Consider Reading: One of The Paramount Keys to Adoptee Healing is Feeling.
The more I worked on my trauma and wounds, the more elegance I could give myself that aided in empathy, self-care, and compassion I had for myself that was otherwise nonexistent. I have always felt that the day I was born was likely the worst day of my birth mother's life, and I know it was the worst day of mine. It's been impossible to smile and celebrate that day, but I've been forced to for those around me who know and love me. If they could only feel what I have felt for one minute, they would likely understand I have always wanted to curl up in a ball in the corner and die alone on that day. Actuality, I feel like I did die on that day, many moons ago, on August 13, 1974. I always wanted it to be over.
RECLAIMING WHAT ADOPTION DISMANTLED
It's no doubt that relinquishment broke my spirit when I was born, but I refuse to continue to let it now. Around 45 years old, the heaviness I always felt on my birthday started to subside. I had learned and accepted that the pain from relinquishment and adoption would be a lifelong visitor, so now I saved space for those feelings and emotions to come.
Instead of running from them, I welcome them, sit with them, and feel them. I tell them they are welcome here and entirely normal for a not-normal situation. Nothing is normal about being separated from our biological families at the beginning of life. Every adoptee's feelings are legit, valid, and rightfully theirs to have. Mine included.
One of the many keys to healing for me is that I needed to be the one to see the grass isn't always greener on the other side instead of everyone telling me.
For that to happen, I had to gather all the missing puzzle pieces against the grain of the closed adoption industry. It's not been a cakewalk by any means, and I have poked many bears and pissed many people off along the way.
Like other adoptees, I deserve to know who I am and where I come from.
While all my parents are dead, my birth father and adoptive father died within the last year, and hardly anyone knows because most people think it's "no big deal." After all, I didn't have relationships with them. But it's been a big deal to navigate my feelings in silence with my only outlet to write about them.
My adoptive mother and birth mother are both deceased also. The wounds that came from them being alive never seemed to heal because my unresolved feelings about them aligned with my experiences with them were too much to carry or process. I didn't have relationships with them either. Now I feel like I can breathe. I no longer have to juggle all these people, feelings, and big adoptee emotions. It's finished.
A NEW CHAPTER & A NEW PAGE IN MY STORY BOOK OF LIFE.
On August 13, I am turning 49 years young, and something has happened in the last few years that I am enthusiastic to share. Because I've spent so much time navigating the damage relinquishment and adoption have done, I now feel like I have learned to love myself more than ever. Despite my beginnings, I deserve to be celebrated here on earth, but this realization didn't happen overnight. It slowly transpired over a decade of coming out of the fog and embarking on a self-love, self-care, and healing journey.
AUGUST IS THE MONTH OF PAMELA
I want to reclaim what adoption has dismantled for the rest of my life. A happy birthday is something I deserve, and I have to make up for 49 years that have been lost because of adoption.
I will celebrate the whole month of August by doing as many things I love to do with everyone I love. While I will save space to share and feel my sadness of August 13 because I know it will always be a part of my life, I will also save space from chasing waterfalls, hiking my favorite trails, eating my favorite cake, and creating memorable experiences with those I love.
To me, that's what life is all about. We might not have control over our beginnings in life. However, we do have the power and abilities to overcome those obstacles if we don't give up. We can turn the pages for a new chapter and rewrite our stories to be whatever we want them to be. I love the power in that. Today I choose.
ADOPTION ISN'T STEALING ANY MORE OF MY HAPPY BIRTHDAYS!
Yes, on this platform, I share the challenging topics that impact adoptees and myself, but that doesn't mean I am not living my best life. This is my heart; this is my passion. Just because I have been able to move forward and find healing for myself, I continue to write for the adoptees who haven't. I want them to know they aren't alone and never to give up hope in finding internal peace that has been nonexistent for many of us.
I haven't shared it publicly, but my recent move has been one of the most complex and difficult decisions of my life. It will be my first time living alone in 49 years and it should be celebrated. However, the flip side is the mother wound being triggered because a part of me feels like I am leaving my adult kids, who I am no longer living with. I gave my adult kids a year's notice, and I am paying over 2G a month until October, so they have as long as possible at the old place to navigate a plan for themselves. While this is a generous deal, it’s created a level of exhaustion and financial burnout that is a heavy load to carry. Even with the financial strain I am carrying, compiled with the emotional piece, this has not been an easy transition. Lots of tears, and without going into all the details on WHY I have made this choice, I have done what I had to for various complicated reasons I cannot share here. I am also navigating other difficult life transitions that I can’t share here.
Unfortunately, I haven’t been to see a waterfall in months, and my nature adventures have been scarce. I work in healthcare, prolonging elderly people to live in their own homes so they don’t have to relocate to nursing homes. Every day counts! I was adopted to be the caretaker for my mentally ill adoptive mom, then I went on to have three children and raised them as a single parent being their full-time and only caregiver. Now, for the last 18 years, I have been a caregiver for the elderly, which is deeply rewarding, but a huge responsibility to carry all these years.
IT’S TIME I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.
Because I work in home health as a private in-home caregiver as an independent contractor, I don't receive paid time off or paid vacation days. I am also on call 24/7, so I can never venture far. While this is a privilege for some, this leaves me without the luxury most people have, being able to take a vacation or even a mini one. So my adventures will be limited to weekends for day trips or overnight trips close to home. On a side note, Adoptees Connect, Inc. is 100% a volunteer position, so it has always been a labor of love for the last five years, but I have never been compensated for my time.
I have had several people ask what I would like for my birthday. Simplicity is my middle name because I am not into material possessions. Due to my recent transition, my money has been funny, but I have the desire to create as many life-changing experiences as possible and a peaceful living environment. I want to travel all over KY and TN for the entire month of August on the weekends to reclaim my lost birthdays and to see as many waterfalls as possible. I will take some solo trips or possibly with a few close friends. I might run away to Kings Island for a day trip and ride roller coasters or visit the water park for fun. I would also love some new plants for my new apartment to bring life to the new space I am creating for myself. I would like to visit some new coffee shops I haven't been to yet around my city. I would like to get a slice of my favorite pistachio cake from Martine’s Pastries here in Lexington. I might even take an overnight trip to The Great Smokey Mountains! The world is mine, along with the possibilities.
CONTRIBUTING TO MY HAPPY BIRTHDAY FUND
Tomorrow, I am finishing up a 14-day stretch of work with no days off, so I am beyond ready to claim some adventure and self-care time for THE MONTH OF PAM. I am huge on never asking for anything (it's an adoptee thing), but I also know if we ask, we shall receive, and if we don’t, we won’t. If my work in the adoptee community or your personal life has benefitted you, I would be grateful if you consider contributing a few dollars so I can purchase some new plants for my new apartment. I will also be able to buy coffee and fuel to add the adventure for THE MONTH OF PAM. $1 or $5, every penny counts! (see below)
I will be documenting my weekend adventures as the month passes, and I will be sure to share them with you! August 1st, the adventure begins and won’t end until August 31st. In reality, life is one big adventure! Screw adoption and all it steals. I am taking back what was taken from me, and I hope to do this every August for the rest of my days. A contribution to my fund would be greatly appreciated!
CASHAPP = $PKaranova (last 4 of cell = 8306)
VENMO = @Pamela-Karanova (last 4 of cell = 8306)
BUY ME A COFFEE = https://www.buymeacoffee.com/pamelakaranova
Thank you for your consideration! You can also extend a gift for THE MONTH OF PAM by subscribing $5 a month to The Real Adoptea Moxie (see below), as my goal is to gain 500 more subscribers by the end of the year. You can also purchase subscriptions for anyone you know and love who might benefit from my newsletter.
Another way you can support me is to share my work in your online spaces and forward my newsletter to all your friends and family who are impacted by adoption in some way. You can also book a Table Talk and connect with me one-on-one. Thank you in advance for your consideration!
If you are an adoptee who has made it this far, never give up hope in healing from the wounds adoption and relinquishment has created. Healing is possible! If you are celebrating a birthday anytime soon, I want you to know I feel your pain and you are not alone. I challenge you to consider taking back what adoption has stolen and create a happy birthday for yourself.
Cry your heart out about the trauma from the day, and acknowledge all the pain, grief, and loss you feel. Then list fun things you want to do for yourself! YOU DESERVE A HAPPY BIRTHDAY and a day to celebrate YOU! Don't let adoption steal anymore.
Q & A
For my fellow adoptees, how does your birthday impact you? Have you found any ways to see through the pain and find joy on that day? If so, how have you been able to do that? I would love to learn about your experiences. I would love to hear your thoughts. Drop your comments below!
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. You can find it here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
SET UP A TABLE TALK
You asked for it, and she's delivering. As a thrilling spinoff to The Real Adoptea Moxie - Introducing AdopTEA RealiTEA, One-on-One Virtual Table Talk Sessions with Pamela A. Karanova launching in April 2023.
For over a decade, Pamela has poured thousands of hours into providing emotional labor to the adoption community. Most of the time, this labor of love has been behind the scenes, in one-on-one conversations and interactions with adoptees worldwide.
Navigating the reality that providing others with insight has created an emotional burnout in Pamela that has caused her to retreat, withdraw and disconnect due to the overload of trauma dumping she experiences daily.
Pamela is taking on a new approach in opening up her schedule to continue these conversations by entering a self-care space. She is giving herself the rightfully deserved gift of being compensated for her endless emotional labor.
Creating a healthy balance for Pamela to host these in-depth conversations is a radical form of self-love for herself and the community she adores. However, this is essential in setting boundaries for her emotional and mental well-being while providing a service to the community she is so deeply passionate about.
Table Talk with Pamela A. Karanova allows specific days and times to connect more profoundly with those who seek soothing, validation, understanding, and acknowledgment from abandonment, rejection, grief, loss, anger, and rage from the adoptee experience. It's a space for conversations between Pamela and adoptees and non-adoptees.
In addition, Pamela has created life-saving resources for the adoptee community, and 100% of her efforts have been a labor of love out of the goodness of her heart, never being compensated for all the work she has put into the adoptee community.
After 27 years of alcohol dependence to numb her pain from her adoption experience, Pamela has spent over a decade healing and recovering from relinquishment and adoption trauma.
As a result, Pamela has given herself the gift of being recovered and lives a joyful and nourishing lifestyle. Today, she's well-versed in her healing journey and has a wealth of self-care tools that have helped her heal that she's happy to share.
CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE AND BOOK YOUR TABLE TALK TODAY!
Here are a few articles I recommend reading:
100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption by Pamela A. Karanova & 100 Transracial Adoptees Worldwide
What Are the Mental Health Effects of Being Adopted? By Therodora Blanchfield, AMFT
10 Things Adoptive Parents Should Know – An Adoptee’s Perspective by Cristina Romo
Understanding Why Adoptees Are At A Higher Risk for Suicide by Maureen McCauley | Light of Day Stories
Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben
Relationship Between Adoption and Suicide Attempts: A Meta-Analysis
Reckoning with The Primal Wound Documentary with a 10% off coupon code (25 available) “adopteesconnect”
Still, Grieving Adoptee Losses, What My Adoptive Parents Could Have Done Differently.
Wow! So much truth in all your writing P. My birthday was 10 days after my birth mother. She wanted to keep me but had no support from anyone, just an enforced shame placed on her. I have developed new coping skills that allow me to sit in the deepest hurt of this day and rise above it. In the last few years I have learned to go a bit easier on myself and have let go of what holds me down. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, this one never closes, but believing in who you are and accepting that you’re worthy of love and giving it back will definitely help you on your journey through adoption life.
my birthday is now a reminder of the fact I have no biological connections and im usually extra wanting everything to go perfect. I pick out a cake tied to whatever I am into that year I am thinking of getting a BLUEY kids cartoon cake this year as that show has been really oddly healing for me. Or a Washington Capitals NHL hockey team cake. I try to do things I enjoy on my birthday I might go to the ice rink for a skate after my drs appointment this year to celebrate. My adopter is taking me to see my favorite ECHL hockey team 3 days before and she said I could stay for post game skate. I am excited to do that at least. I reclaim the pain of it by doing things I truly love doing and celebrate myself.