A raw reflection on Mother's Day grief, silence, and strength adoptees carry into a day the world calls a celebration—where healing doesn’t mean forgetting, and wisdom is born from what was lost.
Thank you so much for listening and for your kind words. I'm really glad the episode resonated with you. These techniques have been lifelines for me, especially during hard seasons like Mother’s Day, and it means the world to know they might offer some comfort or clarity to others, too.
We carry so much, and we deserve spaces to acknowledge that. Sending you care as you navigate your own journey. XOXO
Hi Pamela, thank you again for putting "words" to paper and voice, which so eloquently touch upon the adoptee experience. Yes, Mother's Day is one of those bittersweet & complex celebratory holidays that can bring up all the feels for us adoptees. On my morning walk this morning I was thinking about this Mother's Day. When I arrived back home, I sat down and wrote this poem:
This Mother's Day...
I honor the mother who mothered me,
who raised me,
who nurtured me,
who cared for me,
who supported me,
who encouraged me,
who loved me!
To the Mother who mothered me, you will be forever in my heart!
This Mother's Day...
I honor AND relinquish the mother who birthed me.
I relinquish the baggage that was never mine to carry,
I relinquish the baggage of secrecy, judgement, shame & guilt,
I relinquish being thought of as your mistake!
I am not a mistake.
To the Mother who birthed me, I give you grace!
This Mother's Day...
I honor myself
I honor the women in my life who nurtured and loved me,
I honor reconnecting to myself, my "first" self,
I honor the complicated messy parts of myself,
I honor the shadow and the light within me,
I honor the sacred space within me
I honor coming into alignment with my truth, with myself.
Jane, this moved me to tears. Thank you for sharing your heart, your words, and your truth so openly. Your poem is such a powerful reflection of the layered experience we carry not just on Mother's Day, but every day. I felt every line.
The honoring, the relinquishing, the reclaiming… It’s all there. And that last part, “my homecoming to self,” that’s everything. I see you. I honor you. And I’m so grateful to be walking alongside brave souls like you in this journey. XOXO
I can relate to everything you talked about. I used to try to keep up with sending Mother’s Day cards to 4 mothers in my life. And it was exhausting. I no longer do that.
In 2015 I spent the weekend in Glacier national park under the trees. And by lake Macdonald.
To this day I only feel at home by water. Just 2 years ago I learned how to scuba dive, free dive and for the past year I’ve swam daily laps.
This year I’ll spend Mother’s Day doing yoga bare feet in the park.
With mothers who are mothers themselves and grieving bad mothers or are missing their children they birthed.
I too don’t and have finally accepted I’ll never have a close relationship with my adoptive mother. Which I am still grieving.
And I have suffered too much over mothers. A hard relationship fraught with conflict and division with my Step mother.
And my ex Mother in Law has dementia. :( I really liked and lived and was loved by her.
So I will spend the day at a nursery picking flowers with my daughter and planting them. And having a breakfast with my son at home before he heads to work.
I sent an orchid to my adoptive mother. But feel farther away from her this year. They feel perfunctory. She never calls me. Always me who has to reach out and I resent that. I’ve come to expect little emotional warmth.
Thank you for your post. I too realize that loving myself. And my two kids are what is going to save me. And grow the love I always wanted in my life.
I’ll reach out to my other motherless friends.
And keep journaling, keep my self care practices. My arrival day was the end of last month. And I noticed my small annual depression was not lifting this year. So I bought myself an unlimited yoga for 3 months. I go every day and got myself out of the sadness.
I also do CBT therapy and have learned bi-lateral drawing technique to help me visually express my emotions, my sadness.
Working these self-care rituals and practices is something I started doing since my divorce 15 years ago which was fraught with various abuses.
I have also worked in a loving relationship into my life.
It’s okay and critical to put my well being first. For everyone’s sake.
So yes, this weekend I’ll bring myself & others like me into my compassionate heart.
Songs that resonate with me are:
Motherless Child by Ritchie Havens
I Grieve by Peter Gabriel
Ashokan Farewell
This feeling of loss will never go away, it’s part of who I am. But I’ve learned to kiss it and even caress it and even learning to make love to it.
Hmm maybe I should try painting that.
Thanks for helping me feel like what I feel is normal. Thanks for expressing your experience. It’s a lot like mine. 🥰
Marci, thank you for this beautifully honest share.
Your words are so full of depth, truth, and hard-won wisdom, and I felt every piece of it. The exhaustion of trying to honor multiple mothers when your own needs are buried beneath obligation… I know that weight too well. And the tenderness of choosing to be present with yourself and your children, that’s where the real healing begins.
I love that you’re turning to nature, movement, water, yoga, and art to tend to your soul. Those rituals are sacred. You’re not just surviving, you’re actively building the love and stability you deserved all along. I see you doing that with intention and grace, even through grief and heartache.
And yes… the feeling of loss never disappears, but finding ways to live with it-to kiss it, to hold it, to even make love to it-that’s the language of deep integration. Please do paint it. I think it would be stunning.
Sending so much love to you! Thank you for being here. Thank you for being real. You help others feel seen just by sharing your truth. 🖤
Oh my gosh, thank you for inspiring a reflective journal sesh for me Pamela. And allowing me to share so much of it on your post. And thank you for encouraging my painting! I am making time for a few hours to paint this weekend 💓.
That means the world to me. If my words can reflect even a piece of what we’re carrying and help anyone feel a little less alone, then it’s all worth it. We’re in this together, feeling it all, naming it, and finding our way forward. Hugs and love to you! XOXO
Thank you for recording this much needed reminder. Like so many adoptees, I have continued to struggle emotionally on this day & am always searching for ways to manage the internal pain I hesitate to show others. Gratefully I have a trauma informed therapist who I meet with weekly & who is one of the few I can truly connect with. Years ago an acquaintance of mine said to me that what I was describing was "attachment issues" the 1st time I had ever heard that phrase & for once, I began to understand some of why my behaviors & emotions are the way they are. And yes, community with like minded people is a must. Thank you.
Thank you for listening and for sharing this vulnerable truth. What you said captures so much of the hidden struggle many of us carry, especially around days like Mother’s Day, when the world expects celebration and all we feel is a quiet ache.
I’m really glad you have a trauma-informed therapist who truly gets you. That kind of support can be life-changing. And yes… hearing the words “attachment issues” for the first time can be a revelation, it gives shape to what we’ve felt all along but couldn’t name.
You’re not alone in this. I'm so glad you're part of this community. We're out here, holding space for one another, and that connection is everything. XOXO
Thank you, Pamela for providing a space for adoptees to connect. Yes, Mothers Day (as well as other holidays, anniversaries & birthdays) are often turbulent times internally & learning ways to navigate those strong unrelenting emotions is a life long process... at least they have been for me.
Finding ways to become grounded both literally & figuratively, makes sense as the one thing that has been taken from us are our roots, our sense of self- how ever that may be defined. And while these roots may be messy & tangled, like all growing matter, they eventually find their place & hold that space fiercely. May we continue holding that space for other adoptees in particular. In gratitude, Abby
Pamela, thanks for putting into words feelings that are so difficult to articulate. Mother's Day is a hugely confusing time for adoptees. As you mentioned, I struggle with having 'too many mothers', and I find it completely overwhelming. I love the term 'step monster'! Unfortunately, I have one of those who has been so vile and invalidating about my adoption experience that I have gone no contact with her.
Judi, thank you for sharing this. I truly feel every word. Mother’s Day can be an emotional minefield, especially when we’re juggling the weight of “too many mothers” and all the layered, conflicting emotions that come with that. It is overwhelming, and you’re absolutely not alone in that.
I'm so sorry you’ve had to deal with someone so invalidating, especially when what we need most is compassion and understanding. Going no contact is never easy, but sometimes it’s necessary for our peace. You deserve to protect your energy and honor your truth.
Sending you love as you navigate it all, and thank you for being here in this space. XOXO
I remember my first Mother's Day after attending Adoptees Connect, and the group encouraged me to think about what *I* wanted to do instead of focusing on what everyone else expected. It was the first Mother's Day that I, who had been a mother for 18 or 19 years, actually got to enjoy a Mother's Day for myself. Thinking of myself as having legitimate feelings or needs or desires has not come naturally, since those very things have been pushed aside for the sake of others since birth, so it was a huge step towards healing.
Hi beautiful friend, I remember this so well, and I’m so proud of you for doing what you love to do. I know just how hard it is for us, as adopted people, to go inward and truly follow our gut and intuition- especially when those parts of us were stripped away from day one. But seeing you reclaim that space, that day, and that right to feel and choose for yourself… it means everything. I love you so much and I’m honored to witness your healing journey. 🩵
Thanks for your posts on adoption and for your insights into our feelings. I recently received some of the classic negative feedback you often cite from readers of my adoption episodes in an in-person writing group I'm a part of and online. I was surprised at how ashamed I immediately felt. And I noticed that my drive to write more on my adoption experience diminished. The shame shut me down. Or partially shut me down.
Thank you for sharing this, it hits so close to home. I’ve had that same exact experience more times than I can count, and I want you to know you are not alone. The shame response is real, and it’s heavy but it’s not yours to carry. It was handed to us by people who can’t or won’t face the truth of what adoption and separation trauma really does to us.
Every time I’ve been shut down, dismissed, or told I’m “too much,” I’ve used it as fuel. Not immediately, sometimes I’ve had to sit with the sting for awhile but eventually, it’s what’s pushed me to keep going. That fury in your chest? That heartbreak in your gut? That’s the fire they’re afraid of.
Let it burn. Let it fuel you.
Keep writing your truth. Keep speaking and sharing. The world needs it. We need it.
You’re not alone in this, ever. So glad you are here! 🩵
I really really loved this piece and the deep explanation of these healing/comforting techniques available to all of us.
Good morning, Mary!
Thank you so much for listening and for your kind words. I'm really glad the episode resonated with you. These techniques have been lifelines for me, especially during hard seasons like Mother’s Day, and it means the world to know they might offer some comfort or clarity to others, too.
We carry so much, and we deserve spaces to acknowledge that. Sending you care as you navigate your own journey. XOXO
Hi Pamela, thank you again for putting "words" to paper and voice, which so eloquently touch upon the adoptee experience. Yes, Mother's Day is one of those bittersweet & complex celebratory holidays that can bring up all the feels for us adoptees. On my morning walk this morning I was thinking about this Mother's Day. When I arrived back home, I sat down and wrote this poem:
This Mother's Day...
I honor the mother who mothered me,
who raised me,
who nurtured me,
who cared for me,
who supported me,
who encouraged me,
who loved me!
To the Mother who mothered me, you will be forever in my heart!
This Mother's Day...
I honor AND relinquish the mother who birthed me.
I relinquish the baggage that was never mine to carry,
I relinquish the baggage of secrecy, judgement, shame & guilt,
I relinquish being thought of as your mistake!
I am not a mistake.
To the Mother who birthed me, I give you grace!
This Mother's Day...
I honor myself
I honor the women in my life who nurtured and loved me,
I honor reconnecting to myself, my "first" self,
I honor the complicated messy parts of myself,
I honor the shadow and the light within me,
I honor the sacred space within me
I honor coming into alignment with my truth, with myself.
I honor My homecoming to self!
Good morning, Jane!
Jane, this moved me to tears. Thank you for sharing your heart, your words, and your truth so openly. Your poem is such a powerful reflection of the layered experience we carry not just on Mother's Day, but every day. I felt every line.
The honoring, the relinquishing, the reclaiming… It’s all there. And that last part, “my homecoming to self,” that’s everything. I see you. I honor you. And I’m so grateful to be walking alongside brave souls like you in this journey. XOXO
Hey Pam,
I can relate to everything you talked about. I used to try to keep up with sending Mother’s Day cards to 4 mothers in my life. And it was exhausting. I no longer do that.
In 2015 I spent the weekend in Glacier national park under the trees. And by lake Macdonald.
To this day I only feel at home by water. Just 2 years ago I learned how to scuba dive, free dive and for the past year I’ve swam daily laps.
This year I’ll spend Mother’s Day doing yoga bare feet in the park.
With mothers who are mothers themselves and grieving bad mothers or are missing their children they birthed.
I too don’t and have finally accepted I’ll never have a close relationship with my adoptive mother. Which I am still grieving.
And I have suffered too much over mothers. A hard relationship fraught with conflict and division with my Step mother.
And my ex Mother in Law has dementia. :( I really liked and lived and was loved by her.
So I will spend the day at a nursery picking flowers with my daughter and planting them. And having a breakfast with my son at home before he heads to work.
I sent an orchid to my adoptive mother. But feel farther away from her this year. They feel perfunctory. She never calls me. Always me who has to reach out and I resent that. I’ve come to expect little emotional warmth.
Thank you for your post. I too realize that loving myself. And my two kids are what is going to save me. And grow the love I always wanted in my life.
I’ll reach out to my other motherless friends.
And keep journaling, keep my self care practices. My arrival day was the end of last month. And I noticed my small annual depression was not lifting this year. So I bought myself an unlimited yoga for 3 months. I go every day and got myself out of the sadness.
I also do CBT therapy and have learned bi-lateral drawing technique to help me visually express my emotions, my sadness.
Working these self-care rituals and practices is something I started doing since my divorce 15 years ago which was fraught with various abuses.
I have also worked in a loving relationship into my life.
It’s okay and critical to put my well being first. For everyone’s sake.
So yes, this weekend I’ll bring myself & others like me into my compassionate heart.
Songs that resonate with me are:
Motherless Child by Ritchie Havens
I Grieve by Peter Gabriel
Ashokan Farewell
This feeling of loss will never go away, it’s part of who I am. But I’ve learned to kiss it and even caress it and even learning to make love to it.
Hmm maybe I should try painting that.
Thanks for helping me feel like what I feel is normal. Thanks for expressing your experience. It’s a lot like mine. 🥰
Marci, thank you for this beautifully honest share.
Your words are so full of depth, truth, and hard-won wisdom, and I felt every piece of it. The exhaustion of trying to honor multiple mothers when your own needs are buried beneath obligation… I know that weight too well. And the tenderness of choosing to be present with yourself and your children, that’s where the real healing begins.
I love that you’re turning to nature, movement, water, yoga, and art to tend to your soul. Those rituals are sacred. You’re not just surviving, you’re actively building the love and stability you deserved all along. I see you doing that with intention and grace, even through grief and heartache.
And yes… the feeling of loss never disappears, but finding ways to live with it-to kiss it, to hold it, to even make love to it-that’s the language of deep integration. Please do paint it. I think it would be stunning.
Sending so much love to you! Thank you for being here. Thank you for being real. You help others feel seen just by sharing your truth. 🖤
Oh my gosh, thank you for inspiring a reflective journal sesh for me Pamela. And allowing me to share so much of it on your post. And thank you for encouraging my painting! I am making time for a few hours to paint this weekend 💓.
I love it!! You're more than welcome! That makes me so happy to hear, enjoy every second of your painting time!!
Once again, your words speak to so much of all of our souls and what we’re going through. Thank you for this.
Good morning, Louise! Thank you so much.
That means the world to me. If my words can reflect even a piece of what we’re carrying and help anyone feel a little less alone, then it’s all worth it. We’re in this together, feeling it all, naming it, and finding our way forward. Hugs and love to you! XOXO
You do such a good job of highlighting it all. So grateful for you.❤️
Thank youuuu! Right back to you!!!
Thank you for recording this much needed reminder. Like so many adoptees, I have continued to struggle emotionally on this day & am always searching for ways to manage the internal pain I hesitate to show others. Gratefully I have a trauma informed therapist who I meet with weekly & who is one of the few I can truly connect with. Years ago an acquaintance of mine said to me that what I was describing was "attachment issues" the 1st time I had ever heard that phrase & for once, I began to understand some of why my behaviors & emotions are the way they are. And yes, community with like minded people is a must. Thank you.
Good morning, Abby!
Thank you for listening and for sharing this vulnerable truth. What you said captures so much of the hidden struggle many of us carry, especially around days like Mother’s Day, when the world expects celebration and all we feel is a quiet ache.
I’m really glad you have a trauma-informed therapist who truly gets you. That kind of support can be life-changing. And yes… hearing the words “attachment issues” for the first time can be a revelation, it gives shape to what we’ve felt all along but couldn’t name.
You’re not alone in this. I'm so glad you're part of this community. We're out here, holding space for one another, and that connection is everything. XOXO
Thank you, Pamela for providing a space for adoptees to connect. Yes, Mothers Day (as well as other holidays, anniversaries & birthdays) are often turbulent times internally & learning ways to navigate those strong unrelenting emotions is a life long process... at least they have been for me.
Finding ways to become grounded both literally & figuratively, makes sense as the one thing that has been taken from us are our roots, our sense of self- how ever that may be defined. And while these roots may be messy & tangled, like all growing matter, they eventually find their place & hold that space fiercely. May we continue holding that space for other adoptees in particular. In gratitude, Abby
Pamela, thanks for putting into words feelings that are so difficult to articulate. Mother's Day is a hugely confusing time for adoptees. As you mentioned, I struggle with having 'too many mothers', and I find it completely overwhelming. I love the term 'step monster'! Unfortunately, I have one of those who has been so vile and invalidating about my adoption experience that I have gone no contact with her.
Good morning, Judi!
Judi, thank you for sharing this. I truly feel every word. Mother’s Day can be an emotional minefield, especially when we’re juggling the weight of “too many mothers” and all the layered, conflicting emotions that come with that. It is overwhelming, and you’re absolutely not alone in that.
I'm so sorry you’ve had to deal with someone so invalidating, especially when what we need most is compassion and understanding. Going no contact is never easy, but sometimes it’s necessary for our peace. You deserve to protect your energy and honor your truth.
Sending you love as you navigate it all, and thank you for being here in this space. XOXO
I remember my first Mother's Day after attending Adoptees Connect, and the group encouraged me to think about what *I* wanted to do instead of focusing on what everyone else expected. It was the first Mother's Day that I, who had been a mother for 18 or 19 years, actually got to enjoy a Mother's Day for myself. Thinking of myself as having legitimate feelings or needs or desires has not come naturally, since those very things have been pushed aside for the sake of others since birth, so it was a huge step towards healing.
Hi beautiful friend, I remember this so well, and I’m so proud of you for doing what you love to do. I know just how hard it is for us, as adopted people, to go inward and truly follow our gut and intuition- especially when those parts of us were stripped away from day one. But seeing you reclaim that space, that day, and that right to feel and choose for yourself… it means everything. I love you so much and I’m honored to witness your healing journey. 🩵
Thanks for your posts on adoption and for your insights into our feelings. I recently received some of the classic negative feedback you often cite from readers of my adoption episodes in an in-person writing group I'm a part of and online. I was surprised at how ashamed I immediately felt. And I noticed that my drive to write more on my adoption experience diminished. The shame shut me down. Or partially shut me down.
Hi Ted,
Thank you for sharing this, it hits so close to home. I’ve had that same exact experience more times than I can count, and I want you to know you are not alone. The shame response is real, and it’s heavy but it’s not yours to carry. It was handed to us by people who can’t or won’t face the truth of what adoption and separation trauma really does to us.
Every time I’ve been shut down, dismissed, or told I’m “too much,” I’ve used it as fuel. Not immediately, sometimes I’ve had to sit with the sting for awhile but eventually, it’s what’s pushed me to keep going. That fury in your chest? That heartbreak in your gut? That’s the fire they’re afraid of.
Let it burn. Let it fuel you.
Keep writing your truth. Keep speaking and sharing. The world needs it. We need it.
You’re not alone in this, ever. So glad you are here! 🩵
Thanks, Pamela, your reply means alot