November is a month for adoptees to dominate the conversations to help raise awareness on how it feels to be adopted. I'm participating in NAAM by writing about the challenging topics in adoption.
Thank you for this♥️. I too have a really hard time understanding and receiving love. Now that I have gone no-contact with my adoptive family, my brain likes to tell me that I failed at family twice, who else could love me? I am still trying to restructure my internal narratives, but I am starting the process of healing with ~therapy~.
I recently found a therapist that shares a number of identities with me (queer Asian adoptee who has gone no-contact with their white parents). With that, I have been able to go places in my brain worms that I would never otherwise have. I am able to start to heal the pieces of guilt and shame because I can finally find that sense of understanding of this complex beast that is adoption trauma. It has been a truly lovely experience and I look forward to feeling the progress as I continue to see them.
I have also been healing my understanding of love through the people around me. It is a new concept to me that people can express care by having conversations about our needs and boundaries without being met by anger or abandonment. I know the bar is on the floor, but it has been so healing to be able to have these conversations, set and uphold boundaries, and still be met with kindness through it all. I am challenging my internal narratives every day, and I hope at somepoint my brain will accept this new normal.
I am truly thankful for the adoptee community. You all make me feel less alone.
I am also not close to my adoptive family. Most people don’t understand this, as they feel as though I should be grateful to have been adopted. Sometimes in anger I have thought I would have rather not been adopted. I barely talk to them now and adoptive mother is up in age.
Thank you for talking about this. I realized recently that I don’t actually feel love. I have to talk myself through what the person told me to remind myself „aha! They do love me.“ But I DO NOT feel it. It is so hard in reunion because I have a sibling I love very much and has acted in a loving way towards me but it’s still terrifying because I can’t feel anything. I worry that even though I’ve done a lot of work on myself and act in an overtly loving and interested way they won’t continue a relationship because I’m not behaving „normally“ (not adopted). It makes it even weirder that their parent’s decision put me in this predicament and caused such damage. And I did not have „bad“ adoptive parents. This was a really validating piece for me. Thank you. But what an awful thing to have in common, right? And I walked around for decades not even realising this was actually happening…
I've explained part of my struggle as having a broken connecter. Whatever it is that connects to other people just doesn't work in me. I might really care about someone, but if they care back I'm missing it somehow. Most don't care back, though, and it's complicated but the broken connecter has been the explanation that landed most for me. Now the science of attachment is validating what I thought about myself. I don't know if that's more encouraging to feel validated or more discouraging to be right on this count. 😬 Either way, thank you for sharing. It makes the world feel less lonely.
Good morning to my beautiful friend! I hear you and I can feel your pain. I can so relate to having a broken connecter and I have learned it's pretty common among the adoptee community. I very rarely share this piece, because I am fearful that the people close to me will feel some obligation to "do more" and honestly, there isn't much they can do. I don't want to burden anyone because of my "big adoptee feelings and dysfunctions." I just wish more people knew this was even a "thing" so that is why I decided to write about it. I am so glad it resonated with you and helped you feel less alone. AND at the same time, that sucks altogether! I hate anyone has to experience this really weird and complex part of being adopted. Sending you so much love! <3
I’m sad to say that it has only been within a year or so that I suspected this for myself and I’m 62. Reading these comments today in July 2024 is such a revelation to me about myself… thank you all for understanding
Thank you so much for this information. I have said many times in my life I feel disconnected, and the way you wrote about it describes me to a T. I am 62 and remain single after many relationships that failed. I do have 3 children that I love very much.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It's never too late to uncover new layers of our experiences and emotions, and I'm glad that you found some resonance and understanding here. Realizing how deep the impact of loss is can be a profound revelation, and it's a step towards deeper self-awareness and healing.
I'm grateful that this space and these conversations can provide some comfort and validation for you. We're all on this journey together, learning and growing from each other's stories and insights. Thank you for being a part of this community and for your openness. Please know that you are not alone, and your feelings and experiences are seen and understood.
Thank you for this♥️. I too have a really hard time understanding and receiving love. Now that I have gone no-contact with my adoptive family, my brain likes to tell me that I failed at family twice, who else could love me? I am still trying to restructure my internal narratives, but I am starting the process of healing with ~therapy~.
I recently found a therapist that shares a number of identities with me (queer Asian adoptee who has gone no-contact with their white parents). With that, I have been able to go places in my brain worms that I would never otherwise have. I am able to start to heal the pieces of guilt and shame because I can finally find that sense of understanding of this complex beast that is adoption trauma. It has been a truly lovely experience and I look forward to feeling the progress as I continue to see them.
I have also been healing my understanding of love through the people around me. It is a new concept to me that people can express care by having conversations about our needs and boundaries without being met by anger or abandonment. I know the bar is on the floor, but it has been so healing to be able to have these conversations, set and uphold boundaries, and still be met with kindness through it all. I am challenging my internal narratives every day, and I hope at somepoint my brain will accept this new normal.
I am truly thankful for the adoptee community. You all make me feel less alone.
I am also not close to my adoptive family. Most people don’t understand this, as they feel as though I should be grateful to have been adopted. Sometimes in anger I have thought I would have rather not been adopted. I barely talk to them now and adoptive mother is up in age.
Thank you for talking about this. I realized recently that I don’t actually feel love. I have to talk myself through what the person told me to remind myself „aha! They do love me.“ But I DO NOT feel it. It is so hard in reunion because I have a sibling I love very much and has acted in a loving way towards me but it’s still terrifying because I can’t feel anything. I worry that even though I’ve done a lot of work on myself and act in an overtly loving and interested way they won’t continue a relationship because I’m not behaving „normally“ (not adopted). It makes it even weirder that their parent’s decision put me in this predicament and caused such damage. And I did not have „bad“ adoptive parents. This was a really validating piece for me. Thank you. But what an awful thing to have in common, right? And I walked around for decades not even realising this was actually happening…
As an adoptee love feels conditional and it can be taken away like anything in my life. When I receive it I’m like “this seems very SUS”
I've explained part of my struggle as having a broken connecter. Whatever it is that connects to other people just doesn't work in me. I might really care about someone, but if they care back I'm missing it somehow. Most don't care back, though, and it's complicated but the broken connecter has been the explanation that landed most for me. Now the science of attachment is validating what I thought about myself. I don't know if that's more encouraging to feel validated or more discouraging to be right on this count. 😬 Either way, thank you for sharing. It makes the world feel less lonely.
Good morning to my beautiful friend! I hear you and I can feel your pain. I can so relate to having a broken connecter and I have learned it's pretty common among the adoptee community. I very rarely share this piece, because I am fearful that the people close to me will feel some obligation to "do more" and honestly, there isn't much they can do. I don't want to burden anyone because of my "big adoptee feelings and dysfunctions." I just wish more people knew this was even a "thing" so that is why I decided to write about it. I am so glad it resonated with you and helped you feel less alone. AND at the same time, that sucks altogether! I hate anyone has to experience this really weird and complex part of being adopted. Sending you so much love! <3
I’m sad to say that it has only been within a year or so that I suspected this for myself and I’m 62. Reading these comments today in July 2024 is such a revelation to me about myself… thank you all for understanding
Thank you so much for this information. I have said many times in my life I feel disconnected, and the way you wrote about it describes me to a T. I am 62 and remain single after many relationships that failed. I do have 3 children that I love very much.
Hi Danyel,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It's never too late to uncover new layers of our experiences and emotions, and I'm glad that you found some resonance and understanding here. Realizing how deep the impact of loss is can be a profound revelation, and it's a step towards deeper self-awareness and healing.
I'm grateful that this space and these conversations can provide some comfort and validation for you. We're all on this journey together, learning and growing from each other's stories and insights. Thank you for being a part of this community and for your openness. Please know that you are not alone, and your feelings and experiences are seen and understood.