Accepting The Cards I was Dealt While Creating Resources for A Better Future for Adoptees.
I have the fire and passion for making changes in many areas, but accepting those areas I can't change has been critical to my healing journey.
I will never forget when I first started coming out of the fog about adoption in 2010. I came across a fellow adoptee on Twitter that seemed to have this peace out of her regarding her adoption journey that I admired. Her name is Elaine Pinkerton, and she is an author and someone I look up to. Her book called "The Goodbye Baby: Adoptee Diaries" was one of the first adoptee-centric books I ever purchased and read.
I contacted her directly and asked how she came to a place of peace to share her story so eloquently. She was kind enough to respond that she gave me a snippet of advice that would forever change the trajectory of my life, and it consists of one word: ACCEPTANCE.
I retained this information and decided to go inward and discover what this would mean for me and my adoptee journey. I thought long and hard and discovered that I had never attained acceptance about being adopted and relinquished, and with every fiber of my being, I wished I could UNDO MY ADOPTION.
I wanted my birth parents back. I wanted to find them and make them love and accept me. I wanted my truth. Being relinquished and adopted haunted me, destroying many parts of me. I would have given anything to annul my adoption, divorce my adopters and find happily ever after back with my maternal and paternal parents where I belonged! Anger combined with rage infiltrated my life, and I had zero tools to navigate how to heal from such deep wounds.
Acceptance?
That was the farthest thing from anything I had pondered before. However, I knew that something had to give if I wanted to ever heal from these life-altering wounds relinquishment and adoption created.
I learned that acceptance is essential for circumstances we can't change because it allows us to find peace and move forward. Life is full of ups and downs, and some situations are beyond our control. For me, adoption is one of these situations.
Let me be transparent; acceptance doesn't mean giving up or being passive. It means acknowledging reality and letting go of our attachment to how we think things should be. It's about embracing the present moment and focusing on what we can control. By accepting what we cannot change, we free up energy and mental space to focus on finding solutions to make changes for future generations of adoptees.
When we accept the things we cannot change, we can redirect our energy toward personal growth, self-improvement, and finding new opportunities. Then we can find an action plan for what we can change!
Accepting my adoption journey was a powerful tool for my emotional well-being. It reduced stress, anxiety, and negative emotions associated with resisting my reality. It opened the door to self-compassion. Acceptance allowed me to live in alignment with the present moment, fostering a sense of peace, contentment, and resilience in the face of challenges that I cannot change.
On a side note, I will never accept the secrets and lies in adoption. I will never accept the unjust practices of the adoption industry today, and I will never accept that relinquishment trauma is no big deal. Never! I will never accept all the abuse I experienced in my adoptive homes.
I am talking about acceptance of what I can't change, like the fact that I am adopted. I have the fire and passion for making changes in many areas, but accepting those areas I can't change has been critical to my healing journey.
Because I was finally able to step into a space of acceptance about my relinquishment and adoption journey, I have opened my life up to creating resources to make a change for the adoptee community. I have also taken the part I can't control and put it on the shelf, leaving room for what I can control.
Remembering what works for one might not work for another is essential. Just because acceptance worked for Elaine and I doesn't mean it will necessarily work for you. I would love to learn more about what worked for you! (drop your comments below)
My personal healing journey has been able to take off like wildfire. My advocacy work is much more intentional, and my message comes off much more eloquently, like the beautiful Elaine Pinkerton. I have the spirit of an encourager and someone with a lot of wisdom to share regarding healing from an adult adoptee's lens.
One of the areas I am passionate about is encouraging fellow adoptees to bring their visions to life and put action behind all the fantastic and beautiful ideas they have to help support other adoptees. Truth be told, we are the only ones that will create these life-changing resources, so it's critical for the adoptee community to move forward with action. Adoptees are dying, and they need you! They need us all.
Over a decade ago, Elaine gave me words of wisdom, and I can share wholeheartedly that over a decade later, it changed my life forever. Now I want to return the favor to other adoptees or those in the adoption constellation.
Consider Reading: 15 Significant Steps Towards Adoptee Healing.
So many people are hurting because of all the secrecy, lies, and shame that is rooted in adoption. The voices of adopted people have been silenced, shut down, and discounted. It’s time to reclaim our stories and voices and turn the page for a new chapter and a brighter future. The rest of our days don’t have to be anything like the beginning. We can change the trajectory of our lives and find purpose in the pain. With well over a decade of time spent in the adoptee community, I have a wealth of knowledge, tools and suggestions to share.
Set Up An Adoptee Centric Wellness Table Talk Session
Consider setting up a virtual adoptee-centric one-on-one wellness table talk session with me if you need a lifeline or someone who understands. We can meet weekly, once a month, or once a year. You pick what works best for you. I added some more times for availability to accommodate those who want to navigate a healing journey and a better understanding of the adoptee experience. I am here to support you! If none of the times listed work, or you would like to set up an old-fashioned phone call, that is also possible.
Click here to learn more and book your table talk today.
Q & A
For my fellow adoptees reading, have you come to a place of acceptance about your adoption journey?
Is acceptance entirely out of the question? Why or why not? (not the secrets, lies, and half-truths, but the areas you have no control over?)
Have you been able to take the pain from your experience and create something to help yourself or other adoptees? If so, what has that looked like for you? Please feel free to drop your comments below.
As most of you know, August is the MONTH OF PAMELA! Here’s my article from last week if you haven’t had a chance to read it yet.
Because self-care is the new healthcare:
On a side note, I recently ran away to the Daniel Boone National Forest to visit Yahoo Falls. While I have been here countless times, each time, it provides new solace that is always right on time. Here are a few pictures for you! Where is your greatest escape? What brings you healing and peace?
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. You can find it here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
SET UP A TABLE TALK
You asked for it, and she's delivering. As a thrilling spinoff to The Real Adoptea Moxie - Introducing AdopTEA RealiTEA, One-on-One Virtual Table Talk Sessions with Pamela A. Karanova launching in April 2023.
For over a decade, Pamela has poured thousands of hours into providing emotional labor to the adoption community. Most of the time, this labor of love has been behind the scenes, in one-on-one conversations and interactions with adoptees worldwide.
Navigating the reality that providing others with insight has created an emotional burnout in Pamela that has caused her to retreat, withdraw and disconnect due to the overload of trauma dumping she experiences daily.
Pamela is taking on a new approach in opening up her schedule to continue these conversations by entering a self-care space. She is giving herself the rightfully deserved gift of being compensated for her endless emotional labor.
Creating a healthy balance for Pamela to host these in-depth conversations is a radical form of self-love for herself and the community she adores. However, this is essential in setting boundaries for her emotional and mental well-being while providing a service to the community she is so deeply passionate about.
Table Talk with Pamela A. Karanova allows specific days and times to connect more profoundly with those who seek soothing, validation, understanding, and acknowledgment from abandonment, rejection, grief, loss, anger, and rage from the adoptee experience. It's a space for conversations between Pamela and adoptees and non-adoptees.
In addition, Pamela has created life-saving resources for the adoptee community, and 100% of her efforts have been a labor of love out of the goodness of her heart, never being compensated for all the work she has put into the adoptee community.
After 27 years of alcohol dependence to numb her pain from her adoption experience, Pamela has spent over a decade healing and recovering from relinquishment and adoption trauma.
As a result, Pamela has given herself the gift of being recovered and lives a joyful and nourishing lifestyle. Today, she's well-versed in her healing journey and has a wealth of self-care tools that have helped her heal that she's happy to share.
CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE AND BOOK YOUR TABLE TALK TODAY!
Here are a few articles I recommend reading:
100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption by Pamela A. Karanova & 100 Transracial Adoptees Worldwide
What Are the Mental Health Effects of Being Adopted? By Therodora Blanchfield, AMFT
10 Things Adoptive Parents Should Know – An Adoptee’s Perspective by Cristina Romo
Understanding Why Adoptees Are At A Higher Risk for Suicide by Maureen McCauley | Light of Day Stories
Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben
Relationship Between Adoption and Suicide Attempts: A Meta-Analysis
Reckoning with The Primal Wound Documentary with a 10% off coupon code (25 available) “adopteesconnect”
Still, Grieving Adoptee Losses, What My Adoptive Parents Could Have Done Differently.
For me, acceptance is still hating the fact that I will possibly never find my parents and the fact that possibly everything I know of in Moldova will possibly be gone bc of the Ukraine War, but accepting that I can't change it or change being adopted in general. I can't remember all the countless times I yelled "I wish I was un-adopted!!" as a child. Now as an adult I feel like I can accept the fact that I can finally be the true me and I have friends who love me for me, and honestly I wouldn't have met my best friend if I was still in Moldova. We have been friends since we were 3 years old and finally saw our favorite band, My Chemical Romance after 16 years of being fans- basically half our lives now that we are both in our 30s!
Some places that bring me joy are the ice rink and the skateboard shop and my room. Things that bring me joy are ice hockey, whether it's watching or playing- although I have to wait till next season to actually play, because of surgery I am having in 2 weeks- doctor's orders. Plus I haven't been training during the summer because I have spent it in a walking boot. So, looking forward to my first playing season in hockey in 2024-2025! For now I can just go to games and watch my 2 favorite teams- Indy Fuel, and Washington Capitals! Playing NHL video games on my PS4 Pro also is something I do for self care. My therapist asked after a heavy session what I could do to decompress. I said "Bodycheck dudes, and score a few hatties in NHL 23." Also writing brings me joy and drawing artwork too!
And cats but I am sadly allergic to them. So as much as I want to pet them my eyes say, "Nope."