Adoption: Deconstructing Harmful Myths We've Learned About Adoptee Grief
One of many common myths about adoptee grief is that adoptees have nothing to grieve, to begin with as if our biological families don't exist and we are blank slates.
Society hasn't been welcoming in allowing adoptees to share their feelings, which is exceptionally dangerous and detrimental to adoptees worldwide. Adoptee Grief is a natural and universal human experience due to the loss that happens before any child is ever adopted and after we are adopted. Yet, society has instigated numerous myths and misconceptions about adoptee grieving that can be harmful and isolating for all adoptees going through it.
DECONSTRUCTING HARMFUL MYTHS, WE LEARN ABOUT ADOPTEE GRIEF.
These adoption and adoptee myths can perpetuate stigma and misunderstanding around adoptee grief, making it difficult for adopted individuals to process their emotions and heal. My healing was stalled until my mid-40s because society never allowed me the space to share my authentic feelings and heartbreak from my adoption experience. My entire life has been turbulent because I had no one to create space for me to be genuine and share why I had a broken heart.
In adoption, this is where disenfranchised grief comes into play. In 1989, Kenneth Doka coined the term "disenfranchised grief" to describe a feeling of loss that's "not openly acknowledged, socially mourned or publicly supported" (Cardoza 2021). Adoptees suffer from disenfranchised grief.
MYTHS WE LEARN ABOUT ADOPTEE GRIEF:
1. Time heals all wounds: This myth suggests that adoptee grief will naturally fade over time when, in reality, it is a complex and ongoing process that varies for each adopted individual. For some of us, it lasts an entire lifetime.
2. Adoptee Grief should be kept private: Some people believe that adoptee grieving should be done in solitude and not shared with others. However, sharing our adoptee feelings and seeking support from others can be helpful in the grieving process. It can save the lives of adoptees worldwide because unprocessed grief is killing adoptees, and it almost killed me.
3. Adoptee Grief has a timeline: There is a misconception that adoptee grief should follow a set timeline and that adopted individuals should "move on" and even "get over it" after a specific time. In reality, adoptee grief is a unique and personal experience with no set endpoint.
4. Adoptee Grief can be overcome by staying busy: Some people believe that keeping busy and distracting oneself from adoptee grief will make it go away. However, avoiding or suppressing feelings of adoptee grief can prolong the healing process.
5. Adoptee Grief is a sign of weakness: There is a stigma surrounding adoptee grief that suggests that showing emotions or seeking help is a sign of weakness. In reality, grieving is a natural and healthy response to adoptee loss.
6. Adoptee Grief should only be felt for a certain period of time: Some people believe that adoptees should only grieve for a certain period of time and that they should "get over it" after a certain point. In reality, grief can be felt for years or even a lifetime after the adoptee's loss.
7. Adoptee Grieving means forgetting: Some people believe that moving on from adoptee grief means forgetting the person or thing that was lost. However, it is possible to hold onto memories (if we are lucky enough to have them)and continue grieving while finding ways to move forward.
Some of the ways society gaslights adoptees, stalling us from grieving our legitimate losses is:
Don't feel bad, and don't cry. Aren't you grateful that your adoptive parents took you in when your birth parents didn't want you? Aren't you thankful you weren't aborted? I am no more grateful for being adopted and not aborted than an infertile couple is for being infertile. Stop saying this to adoptees. We have every reason under the sun to feel bad. A little empathy goes a long way. Imagine your mother dying in childbirth, yet the world WILL NOT ACKNOWLEDGE your grief and loss. They gaslit you to be grateful because you have a new stepmom who is just as good as your biological mother who gave birth to you. It sounds preposterous because it is! This gaslighting is what adoptees get served, time and time again.
Replace the loss. Society believes that just because we have new adoptive parents and families as a replacement for the ones we lost, we shouldn't have any issues with it. This mindset is a grave disservice to adoptees everywhere. We do have problems with it, and rightfully so. Our original stories matter to us, even the good, the bad, and the ugly. We deserve to know our truth. Mothers aren't interchangeable; not all adoptees bond with their adopters, and not all adopters bond with their adoptees. This can never be guaranteed, and it's a considerable risk and disservice for everyone, not to mention downright traumatizing to be forced to bond with someone you can't bond with.
Grieve alone. Most people aren't open to hearing our heartbreak and pain, leading us down a grueling path of isolation and aloneness. Some adoptees end their lives because the deception, secrecy, abandonment, rejection, lies, grief, and loss is so painful. I was almost one of those adoptees! Adoption: Grieve, Grow, Glo was created to illuminate the intersection of adoption, grief & loss. It ignites the idea of grieving together because it is something none of us should have to do alone. "No adoptee should have to grieve alone in isolation; let's grieve together, ready, set, go!"
Just give it time. Sadly, time doesn't heal our adoptee grief. Action does. The action of being able to share our feelings without judgment with those we are the closest to leads us on a healing path. Doing our inner work is essential. Sometimes, our trauma and grief create wounds that are too big to fully heal, depending on whether we have tools and resources to assist us along the way. Instead of focusing on time, we should focus on feeling our feelings and healing.
Be strong. Telling adoptees to "be strong" negates the very valid feelings we might have and implies that if we aren't strong, we are weak. It also hints to us that we shouldn't share any emotions. Having times of sadness, anger, grief, loss, and confusion as an adopted person is exceptionally valid for our situations. We are no weaker than the next person who has a normal reaction to something heartbreaking to them. Telling adoptees to "be strong" isn't helpful. It's harmful.
Keep busy. So many mean well, but staying busy will not cure or help adoptees process grief; it's the opposite. I know many successful adoptees who used keeping busy, sometimes being overachievers, as an avoidance tool. I have done this! This can be harmful, just like a myriad of other things we can do to avoid feeling and healing.
WHAT DO ADOPTEES HAVE TO GRIEVE?
One of many common myths about adoptee grief is that adoptees have nothing to grieve, to begin with as if our biological families don't exist and we are blank slates.
NEWSFLASH: Our beginnings, biological families, medical history, ethnicity, homelands, authentic family trees, connectedness, and learning our truth are essential to many of us, and no matter the circumstances, the loss hurts!
Unprocessed adoptee grief is harmful. Most non-adoptees haven't gained the understanding for various reasons that adopted people have countless losses they should feel sad about.
Consider Reading: Adoption: Mislabeled, Medicated, & Diagnosed Adoptees Could Be Grieving Profoundly.
A lot of adoptees haven't made the connection they have been grieving everyday since the moment they lost their biological mothers. No matter the age or the reason for separation, we have been grieving since we lost HER, and our biological families, ethnicity, relationships, siblings, genetic mirroring, medical history, and connectedness with our blood relatives are all separate things to grieve.
The famous "thankful & grateful" narrative is a big piece of non-adoptees not understanding why we might be grieving. The typical views about adoption are all warm and fluffy, which is a significant contrast to how being adopted feels to most adoptees I have gotten to know and love. Even under the best circumstances, with the most loving adoptive parents, adoptees are still grieving and hurting, and many of us are brokenhearted.
Another common myth society perpetuates about adoptee grief is that there is a timeline for how long it should last. Many people believe that there is a specific period of time in which someone should be grieving and that if they are still struggling after that time has passed, there is something wrong with them, and this burden is placed upon us, that we are bad, ungrateful and unthankful.
In reality, adoptee grief is a highly individual and personal process that looks different for everyone. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and it can take months, years, or even a lifetime to process the loss adoptees experience fully.
For my journey, I have accepted that I will be grieving for the rest of my life. This powerful move for my journey literally changed everything for me. Not only that but making the connection that I am grieving and have been since day one on this earth was a revelation that has saved my life. My grief, sadness, and broken heart from adoption have almost killed me so many times.
Another myth society has instigated about adoptee grief is that it should be kept private and not openly expressed. Many adoptees feel pressure to hide their emotions and put on a brave face in the wake of all they lost from adoption, fearing that showing vulnerability will make them appear weak or burdensome to others and judged by friends, family members, and our adoptive families.
Remember, we've been coerced to be"thankful and grateful" from day one. Many adoptees are tossed out of families, removed from wills, or shunned if they even have a remote desire to find their biological families or share heartfelt feelings, which is a very natural and normal thing to want to do! It happens to adoptees all the time!
In truth, expressing our adoptee grief openly and seeking support from loved ones, friends, and adoptive and biological families can be incredibly healing and cathartic. Adoptees need to give themselves permission to feel and express our emotions rather than bottling them up inside. This is why our Adoptees Connect groups are so critical.
Additionally, society often perpetuates the myth that adoptee grief is linear and follows a predictable progression of stages. The popular notion of the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – has been widely misunderstood and oversimplified. The five stages of grief were created for dying people, not adopted people.
Consider Reading: Debunking The 5 Stages of Grief.
In reality, grief is a complex and messy process for every adoptee that does not neatly fit into a set of stages. Adoptees may experience a range of emotions at any given time, and these big adoptee feelings can come and go in waves. Mine showed up very early, as soon as I found out I was adopted at five years old.
I ran away at five in search of my birth mother.
Additionally, what surfaced to my adoptive parents, starting around 12 years old, was anger, rage, running away, alcohol, drugs, physical destruction, defiance, significant self-harm, identity issues, grief, sadness, and ultimately, a broken heart. They only labeled me with typical teenage rebellion, but my childhood and juvenile years were far from normal. These destructive lifestyle habits plagued me for well over half of my life. Again, I had no idea that deep down, I was grieving, and no one helped me figure it out.
I WANT TO BE A HEART WITH EARS AND HELP ADOPTEES FIGURE IT OUT SOONER THAN LATER.
I saw countless therapists, and they never once helped me identify that I had been grieving since the beginning and that my feelings were perfectly normal for a not-normal situation. Perhaps my adoptive parents and therapists didn't know what they didn't know, and they were misled. Maybe they genuinely didn't know how to help me. I have saved space for this reality in my days and upbringing (1970s), but today, in 2024, there is no excuse, with many adoptees finally sharing their stories online in many different ways.
Consider Reading: Adult Adoptee and Adoption Advocate Recommended Resources.
Nothing is normal about being lied to about who you are and where you come from, gaslit to be grateful, and your identity hidden, with a new identity assigned as if my beginnings never existed as a blank slate.
To say I was grieving was an understatement, but NO ONE HELPED ME. My adoptive parents weren't equipped to help me, and therapists failed me time and time again. The internet wasn't around, and adoptees weren't sharing their stories then. But today is a new day. Adoptive parents are starting to listen, learn, and better understand how an adoptee might feel.
It is crucial for anyone who supports adoption to challenge these myths and misconceptions about adoptee grief to create a more compassionate and supportive environment for those adoptees who are grieving. By acknowledging the individuality and complexity of the grieving process for adoptees, we can help break down the barriers that prevent adoptees from seeking help and finding healing.
Grief is a natural and necessary part of life, and we must allow ourselves as adoptees the space and understanding to navigate it in our own way.
Why are we pretending that adoptees shouldn't be grieving?
I have learned another barrier for adoptees to process grief is the toxic positivity that society perpetuates. Toxic positivity is a term that refers to the belief that one should only focus on positive adoptee emotions and experiences while avoiding or suppressing any negative adoptee feelings. While positivity can be a valuable tool in coping with difficult situations, toxic positivity takes this idea to an extreme, leading to denial of adoptee reality and invalidation of genuine adoptee feelings.
THE DANGER OF TOXIC POSITIVITY IN ADOPTION
One of the critical issues with toxic positivity is that it dismisses the validity of negative adoptee emotions, such as sadness, anger, or fear. By constantly pushing a positive attitude, adoptees may feel pressured to suppress their authentic feelings, leading to emotional suppression and a lack of healthy emotional expression.
Consider doing some research on “positive adoption language” and “honest adoption language.”
This can result in adoptee feelings of shame, guilt, and isolation, as adopted individuals may feel that they are not allowed to feel anything other than being thankful, grateful, and happy. Additionally, toxic positivity can damage our relationships with others, as it can prevent adoptees from genuinely connecting with others on a deeper level.
By always putting on a facade of positivity, adoptees may not feel comfortable sharing their struggles or vulnerabilities with others, leading to superficial relationships and a lack of authentic connection. This is a real problem for adoptees.
Consider Reading: Bewildering Adoptee Grief on Infinite Repeat.
Furthermore, toxic positivity can also prevent adoptees from seeking help or support when they are going through difficult times. If adoptees feel pressured to focus only on positivity, they may be less likely to reach out for help when they are struggling, leading to feelings of loneliness and isolation. We can't afford this to continue.
ADOPTEES ARE 4X MORE LIKELY TO ATTEMPT SUICIDE.
To combat toxic positivity, it is essential to acknowledge and validate all of an adoptee's emotions, both positive and negative. It is okay to feel sad, angry, or fearful at times when it comes to our adoption stories.
It is essential to give ourselves, as adoptees, permission to experience and express these emotions. When the world fails us and has left us for dead (that's how it feels to me!), as they have when it comes to adoption, we have to take back what was taken from us and find our own space to share these feelings.
WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR HEALING.
By allowing ourselves, as adoptees, to feel our emotions fully with someone we trust, we can healthily process them and move towards healing and growth. For non-adoptees, creating a safe space for adoptees to share their feelings and emotions without judgment or pressure to be positive is also essential. By offering support and validation to adoptees around us, we can foster deeper connections and create a more compassionate and understanding in the adoption community.
In conclusion, toxic positivity in adoption circles can be damaging to the adoptee's mental and emotional well-being, as it invalidates our true feelings and prevents us from fully processing and expressing our emotions. By embracing all of our emotions about how it feels to be adopted and how adoption has impacted us, both positively and negatively, we can create a more authentic and fulfilling life for ourselves and those around us.
THE DANGER OF SPIRITUAL BYPASSING IN ADOPTION OR AS AN ADOPTEE.
Spiritual bypassing as an adoptee has negatively impacted me directly for many years of my life, so this topic hits home.
What is spiritual bypassing?
It is a term used to describe the act of using spiritual beliefs or practices as a way to avoid or bypass dealing with difficult emotions, traumas, or issues. It involves using spiritual concepts such as positivity, prayer, fasting, serving, forgiveness, or detachment as a way to escape from facing and processing uncomfortable feelings.
While spiritual beliefs can be incredibly healing and transformative for adoptees, using them to avoid addressing real adoptee issues can be harmful. By bypassing these complex emotions about our adoptee experiences, individuals may hinder their personal growth and healing process, leading to a lack of self-awareness and unresolved emotional baggage.
This can ultimately prevent adopted individuals from experiencing authentic spiritual growth and inner peace. It is important to practice mindfulness and self-awareness to avoid spiritual bypassing and instead address and work through difficult emotions we feel as adoptees in a healthy and constructive way.
WHAT IF WE ALL MADE A CONSCIOUS CHOICE TO BECOME HEARTS WITH EARS WHEN ADOPTEES TALK ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS?
Take a peek and listen to the poet Louis The Hippie: "The most romantic words I ever heard were, I UNDERSTAND YOU, AND IN WAYS I DON'T KNOW YOU, I PLAN TOO!"
What if we listened to understand and gain a better understanding of the adoptee's experience? I genuinely believe, in my heart of hearts, that if we can create a more empathetic world for grieving adoptees, broken hearts will start to heal, and the sun will start to shine brighter in the lives of my fellow adoptees who are grieving, hurt, lost, and heartbroken.
Q & A
For my fellow adoptees, how do you think your life would have played out differently if your grief had been acknowledged earlier in life? Did you learn any grieving skills growing up, or was that absent? What could your adoptive parents have done differently? Have you started to process your grief as an adult? If so, what does that look like for you? Leave your comments below.
For adoptive parents and biological parents, what has grief in adoption looked like to you? For APs, have you processed your own grief and loss in your life? If so, what did that process look like? For biological parents, has the world allowed you the space to grieve? If not, have you given that space to yourself? Drop your comments below.
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. It can be found here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
Here are some of the writing pieces I’m the proudest of:
Adoption: Mislabeled, Medicated, & Diagnosed Adoptees Could Be Grieving Profoundly.
The Perplexity of Forced Bonding in Adoption - I share my thoughts on the bonding process in adoption.
100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption - 100 Transracial Adoptees come together to share feelings on how adoption has impacted them.
Adoptees, Why Are You So Angry? - Adoptees share feelings on why they are angry.
Why Do Adoptees Search? An Adoptee Collaboration - Many adoptees experience why they choose to search for biological families.
100 Heartfelt Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption - 100 Adoptees come together to share heartfelt feelings on how adoption has made them feel.
My Friend Has an Adopted Child, and They Don’t Have Any Issues with Being Adopted - Shining a light on the comment so many adoptees hear over and over.
Here are some of the articles I have been featured in:
These Adoptees Refuse to Be Christian Pro-Life Poster Kids by Kathryn Post of Religious News Service.
Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben.
Before a month celebrating adoption, a day to recognize adoptees’ trauma by Religion News Service.
Bringing Adult Adoptee Issues to Light by Angela Burton of Next Avenue.
amazing. thank you for a great piece.
I hope you don't mind I shared this in a couple of my "birth" mother FB groups. So much of what you say here applies to us too. I also encourage birth parents to lean into the truth about their children's adoption loss trauma and accept that they did not get a "better" life as promised, just a different one with biological strangers. Many can not face the pain and guilt that comes up with accepting that truth about the consequence of separation for our lost children but we owe it to them to open our hearts to it - and them, if and when we are fortunate enough to reunite.