Grief From Adoption? Most People Think of Death and Dying When They Think of Grief
For adoptees, grief is a common and often overlooked aspect of our experience.
What if the adoption, grief, and loss connection was the key that unlocked the hurting and broken hearts of adoptees around the world? What if illuminating this intersection of adoption, grief, and loss saved the lives of adoptees? What if tools are now available for adoptees to work on this grief and heal their broken hearts? What if adoptive parents became grief-informed when it comes to adoption so they could help their adopted kids grieve their losses from the moment they learn they are adopted?
I am certain the future generations of adoptees wouldn’t have to suffer like I and so many other adoptees have.
When most people think of grief, they often associate it with death and dying. That makes sense because the five stages of grief were actually created for individuals who were navigating death and dying.
Consider Reading: Adoption: Deconstructing Harmful Myths We've Learned About Adoptee Grief.
However, grief is a natural and normal reaction to any loss, whether it be the loss of separation from our biological mothers, our sense of self, ethnicity, medical history, a loved one, a job, a relationship, or even a major or minor change in one's life.
It is essential to acknowledge that grief can manifest in many different ways and significantly impact our emotional well-being. For adoptees, grief is a common and often overlooked aspect of our experience. Before being adopted, 100% of adoptees have experienced significant losses, whether it be the loss of their birth family, culture, or identity; these losses can have a lasting impact and can manifest in feelings of grief and sadness.
Many adoptive parents tend to think, "My adoptee seems fine, just fine," but even when many of us aren't verbalizing our feelings and emotions, our body feels them, and our body knows. Our hearts are significantly impacted by the loss of our beginnings. Even when others don’t acknowledge this or understand it, that loss is real to so many of us.
I WAS A GRIEVING ADOPTEE ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE MOMENT I TOOK MY FIRST BREATH BUT I DIDN’T MAKE THE GRIEF CONNECTION UNTIL MY MID 40’S. THIS CREATED A LIFETIME OF PAIN AND A BROKEN HEART.
I remember being in and out of the hospital when I was three to seven years old for various stomach-related issues. I had test after test done, with no real explanation as to what I was experiencing other than the wild guess of the pediatrician of lactose intolerance.
Looking back, I truly believe with my whole heart that I was grieving the loss of my biological mother and dealing with anxiety due to the severe untreated mental illness of my adoptive mom. I believe she was grieving her losses, with no tools or anyone helping her process her grief.
No one helped me find feeling words, and no one ever suggested that adoption and relinquishment could very well be a tremendous part of what I was suffering from. This is why I believe adoptees must have the tools to process their grief healthily back to the moment of learning they are adopted so that they do not internalize feelings of shame or inadequacy.
THE ADOPTEE GRIEF & LOSS AWAKENING
The Grief Recovery Method® is a valuable tool for helping adoptees navigate their feelings of loss and move toward healing. One of the many reasons I have fallen in love with this program is that making the adoption, grief, and loss connection saved my life. Spending a lifetime with a dark cloud hanging over my head, hollow and empty inside, and one day, when I made the connection between adoption, grief, and loss, it was as if the sun came out and the sky cleared up. The flowers started to bloom, and everything started to make sense.
After spending a lengthy amount of time researching " how to heal grief," I found countless workbooks, tools, books, and modalities and stumbled upon The Grief Recovery Method. It helped me discover the connection between adoption, grief, and loss, and this program stood out differently.
I appreciate the fact that the Grief Recovery Method is evidence-based. The data supporting this study's findings are available from Kent State University, and you can view them by clicking the link below.
Consider Reading: Measurement Development and Validation for Construct Validity of the Treatment: The Grief Recovery Method® Instrument.
IT'S A PROGRAM WELCOMING EVERYONE
One of the game changers for me is that it isn't a religious or spiritual modality. It's welcoming to everyone, no matter what they believe or don't believe. I love that it doesn't exclude people or push people into a box of beliefs to get to the other side of healing and recovery. I have a lengthy history of being labeled and pushed into boxes throughout my life, and it has been harmful and stalled my healing.
This doesn't mean you can't believe in a higher power; you most certainly can. But this work requires us to do the work because it’s action-based. We do not outsource it to a belief system that creates an escape from the hard work of healing from past emotional losses. (spiritual bypassing) It’s not a band aid, and it helps us get to the root of the issue so we can work on it.
Anyone can apply their spiritual or religious beliefs to the process, but The Grief Recovery Institute does not impose them onto you. Participants must be free to believe what they believe, but the program will not TELL YOU WHAT TO BELIEVE or NOT BELIEVE.
YOU CAN RECOVER
Another central point to acknowledge is that The Grief Recovery Method also allows people to recover! That's huge! I have participated in many programs over the years that do not allow people to recover, and that is a scary place to be and a red flag that I take to heart. I want to recover and support the tools that will enable me and others to heal!
There are many areas in which people can experience grief and loss, including:
1. Separation Trauma = Loss of our biological mother, father, beginnings, etc.
2. Adoption Trauma = Replacing the original loss of our biological mother, covering up the loss as if it doesn't exist.
3. Death or change of health of a loved one
4. Divorce or separation or loss of how things once were.
5. Loss of a job or changing jobs.
6. Moving to a new city or a change in living situations.
7. Health issues
8. Financial difficulties
9. End of a friendship
10. Retirement
11. Empty nest syndrome
12. Loss of a pet
13. And essentially, any loss someone experiences in life.
THE GRIEF RECOVERY METHOD ISN’T COMPLICATED. ITS’S BEEN AROUND SINCE THE MID-80’S.
At the Grief Recovery Institute, we learn that grief is the conflicting feeling caused by a change or an end in a familiar pattern or behavior. It's also a reflection of unmet hopes, dreams, and expectations. The materials aren’t complicated, and the institute has spent a long time perfecting the process and fine-tuning it for all who need this life-saving tool.
JOIN THE WAITING LIST FOR THE ONE ON ONE WORKSHOP
If you are an adoptee struggling with grief and loss and prefer a one-on-one workshop, consider putting your name on the waiting list for one of my one-on-one group workshops. The average price for one-on-one online workshops is $550, but I am offering the pilot workshop as an introductory offer for adoptees of $350 for a limited time. The spots will fill quickly, so please register as soon as possible. I will lock in your introductory offer once you are placed on the waiting list until this offer closes. For the rest of 2024, I will be focusing on one-on-one workshops.
REGISTER FOR A 2025 PILOT ADOPTEE GRIEF RECOVERY METHOD GROUP WORKSHOP
I am excited to share with my Real Adoptea Moxie supporters first, that I am opening registration for 2025 workshops for adoptees. If you read this and are an adult adoptee, you can leave your information below to be added to the 2025 waiting list.
As adoptees, it is essential to acknowledge and process our feelings of loss to live a happier and more fulfilling life. This has the potential to impact every area of our lives. I am so passionate about this, so I have set the wheels in motion and set up dates for the 2025 Pilot Group Workshops. The average price for group online workshops is $400, but I am offering the pilot workshop as an introductory offer for adoptees of $300 for a limited time.
The spots will fill quickly, so please register as soon as possible.
2025 WORKSHOP GROUP WAITING LIST
Register - Leave your contact information and you will be added to the waiting list here.
These workshops will give you the tools and support to process your grief and move toward adoptee healing. One of the best parts is that you can apply these tools to all areas of your life to become emotionally complete in many ways. You can also share them with your loved ones so they can also reap the benefits of what you have learned and they too, could consider taking this life-changing workshop. This program has so much hope! Remember, it's the only evidence-based grief recovery program in the world!
Let's work together to help adoptees heal and thrive. I am looking forward to seeing many of you in a workshop in the near future!
MOTHERS DAY IS AROUND THE CORNER!
Don’t forget to check out The True-To-Life Greeting Card collection designed for the complicated experiences of adoptees, LDAs, MPEs, NPEs, Donor-Conceived, and DNA Surprises. Please order ASAP to allow proper shipping time. Use code, “TWENTYONE” at checkout for 21% off your order. p.s. Many more Father’s Day cards are being designed as we speak! Be sure to check back frequently.
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. It can be found here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
Here are some of the writing pieces I’m the proudest of:
Adoption: Mislabeled, Medicated, & Diagnosed Adoptees Could Be Grieving Profoundly.
The Perplexity of Forced Bonding in Adoption - I share my thoughts on the bonding process in adoption.
100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption - 100 Transracial Adoptees come together to share feelings on how adoption has impacted them.
Adoptees, Why Are You So Angry? - Adoptees share feelings on why they are angry.
Why Do Adoptees Search? An Adoptee Collaboration - Many adoptees experience why they choose to search for biological families.
100 Heartfelt Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption - 100 Adoptees come together to share heartfelt feelings on how adoption has made them feel.
My Friend Has an Adopted Child, and They Don’t Have Any Issues with Being Adopted - Shining a light on the comment so many adoptees hear over and over.
Here are some of the articles I have been featured in:
These Adoptees Refuse to Be Christian Pro-Life Poster Kids by Kathryn Post of Religious News Service.
Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben.
Before a month celebrating adoption, a day to recognize adoptees’ trauma by Religion News Service.
Bringing Adult Adoptee Issues to Light by Angela Burton of Next Avenue.
I must say I refuse to plan for "future generations of adoptees" and "birth" parents. I will speak out now to abolish the adoption industry and call it what it is: child trafficking. Prospective adopters need to accept that they can't build a family on the ruins of a destroyed one that was not preserved because a profit could be turned.