Not All Adoptees Feel That Way
There is a substantial crisis in the adoption community when people can't practice a little empathy for others who have different experiences than they do.
When adoptees start discussing feelings and experiences as an adoptee, whether online or in person, listening to our voices and validating our experiences is essential. However, it is all too common for someone to dismiss an adoptee's feelings by saying, "Not all adoptees feel that way."
I have never said that "all adoptees feel the way I do" in my writings, but I sometimes say, "many adoptees feel this way."
During the fifteen years I have been heavily involved in the adoption community, I have known countless adoptees who feel like I do. How do I know this? Because I have spent innumerable hours hearing their hearts and stories. I don't speak for one or two adoptees I know. I speak for myself and many others who have similar experiences.
Saying "not all adoptees feel that way" invalidates the authentic emotions and struggles that many adoptees face and can be extremely harmful. Sadly, I have even heard adoptees say this to other adoptees and non-adoptees over the years.
Then, many times, they say, "My old neighbor's daughter got married, and her son adopted two daughters, and they don't have any issues with being adopted!"
I think adoptees are often silenced by the world, and it is rare to hear them share feelings of loss, grief, isolation, and loneliness. I genuinely feel that they often believe I am the only adoptee with issues with it because it could be the first time they heard an adoptee say something OUTLOUD that doesn't align with the "thankful and grateful" narrative.
"I know plenty of well-adjusted adoptees, and they don't feel this way about adoption!" they say.
While this statement might be true to them, I can't tell you how many times I have heard this over my lifetime! I heard this several days ago online and just yesterday in person. Chances are, if you are adopted and reading this, you have also heard this.
Consider Reading: The Influence of Adoptees Who Are Living Out Loud About Adoption.
Newsflash: Just because you know one or two adoptees who have no issues being adopted or you are an adoptee who has no problems with it, it doesn't negate the fact that many of us do. Every adoption is rooted in the loss of our biological connections, and this is not a positive experience. It's a traumatic one.
My response to this individual was lengthy, but one of the things I wanted to point out is if someone came to us to share their feelings about their grief and loss from their parents dying in a car wreck, would you say, "I know plenty of people who lost their parents in a car wreck, but they don't feel like you do! They are okay with it. They are well adjusted, and they have moved on."
Or if someone says, "You might have lost your mom at birth, but at least you had your dad in your life who gave you the best he could. Be thankful!"
Sounds ludicrous, right?
Well, that's how it sounds when people say this to adoptees. It is not only absurd but extremely invalidating, inappropriate, and upsetting.
There is a substantial crisis in the world and adoption community when people can't practice a little empathy for others who have different experiences than they do. I see this repeatedly in the adoption community when adoptees share feelings and experiences.
So often, we are met with silencer statements, which are used to shut us up or flip the narrative into being a grateful adoptee. Gaslighting at its finest. People sometimes mean no harm because they, too, have been duped by the adoption machine.
Sadly, it's relatively prevalent for fellow adoptees to say this to other adoptees, which seems to sting even more because of all the people who should get it; our fellow adoptees should. I have learned that some people cannot see outside their lens of how they see things and the world. It's heartbreaking for adoptees to experience this every step of the way, and it only adds insult to deep-rooted injuries.
Adoptees often grapple with a sense of loss and grief for the families they never knew, the culture they were separated from, and the identity they may have never fully understood. These feelings are complex and deeply personal and should not be brushed aside with a blanket statement like "not all adoptees feel that way."
Furthermore, it is essential to note that I have never said "all adoptees" feel a certain way. Adoptees have unique experiences and emotions; by dismissing their feelings, we perpetuate the cycle of silencing and invalidation that many adoptees already face.
It is also essential to recognize that adoptees are four times more likely to attempt suicide compared to non-adopted individuals. The lack of support and understanding surrounding their grief and loss can contribute to their mental health struggles. By dismissing their feelings, we are further marginalizing a vulnerable population.
BY LEARNING TO LISTEN TO ADOPTEES WHEN THEY SHARE PAINFUL EXPERIENCES, WE COULD BE SAVING THEIR LIFE.
Being invalidated as an adoptee with struggles can feel incredibly isolating and disheartening. It can feel like our experiences and struggles are not taken seriously or understood by others. It can also lead to feelings of shame and self-doubt, as if our struggles are not valid or worthy of attention. It can be challenging to navigate these challenges without the support and validation of those around us.
The invalidation can further exacerbate feelings of loneliness and alienation, making it even harder to reach out for help and support. It is essential for all adoptees with struggles to find a supportive community that validates our experiences and provides the understanding and empathy we need to heal and thrive.
VALIDATING AN ADOPTEE'S EMOTIONS AND EXPERIENCES COULD SAVE THE ADOPTEE'S LIFE.
It is crucial to create awareness and have open conversations about critical topics in adoption, including grief and loss. We must learn to listen to adoptees without judgment and give them the support and validation they deserve.
Just because you, as an adoptee, may not struggle with these issues or know someone who doesn't, it does not negate the experiences of those who do.
Every adoptee's story is valid and deserves to be heard.
One way to validate our emotions as adoptees is to listen actively and attentively without judgment, allowing us to express ourselves fully. Acknowledging our feelings as valid and genuine and showing empathy by offering support and reassurance is crucial. By creating a safe and validating space for adoptees to share our emotions, we can help them navigate their adoption journey with a sense of understanding and validation.
Being an active listener when adoptees share their feelings about being adopted is crucial in showing empathy and support. To be an active listener, you must give each adoptee your full attention, maintain eye contact, and avoid interrupting them while speaking. It would help if you showed that you are engaged in the conversation by nodding, asking clarifying questions, and reflecting on what they have said to ensure understanding.
Additionally, offering encouragement and reassurance can help adoptees feel heard and supported. Overall, being an active listener involves being present, empathetic, and nonjudgmental to create a safe space for each adoptee to share their feelings.
HOW CAN WE VALIDATE THE FEELINGS AND EXPERIENCES OF ADOPTEES?
Before commenting to an adoptee when they share experiences, feelings, and heartache, please keep in consideration that invalidation can harm their mental health and their emotional well-being. It's better to listen and not say anything at all.
It is time to stop silencing and shutting down adoptees when they express their feelings about being adopted by saying, "Not all adoptees feel that way!" We must create a space where adoptees can share their experiences and emotions without fear of invalidation.
Let's work towards a more empathetic and understanding adoption community where adoptee voices are heard and valued. Not all adoptees feel how I do or how many others feel, but my writing and work are for those who do and for those who have the ability to have understanding for others who don’t feel like them.
If you are adopted, the next time someone says this to you, feel free to drop the link to this article. If they have the willingness to learn, they may have a change of heart and gain a more well-rounded understanding of the adoptee experience.
Q & A
For my fellow adoptees, has this ever been said to you over the years? How does it make you feel? How do you respond? Drop your comments below!
MOTHERS DAY IS AROUND THE CORNER!
Don’t forget to check out The True-To-Life Greeting Card collection designed for the complicated experiences of adoptees, LDAs, MPEs, NPEs, Donor-Conceived, and DNA Surprises.
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. It can be found here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
Here are some of the writing pieces I’m the proudest of:
Adoption: Mislabeled, Medicated, & Diagnosed Adoptees Could Be Grieving Profoundly.
The Perplexity of Forced Bonding in Adoption - I share my thoughts on the bonding process in adoption.
100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption - 100 Transracial Adoptees come together to share feelings on how adoption has impacted them.
Adoptees, Why Are You So Angry? - Adoptees share feelings on why they are angry.
Why Do Adoptees Search? An Adoptee Collaboration - Many adoptees experience why they choose to search for biological families.
100 Heartfelt Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption - 100 Adoptees come together to share heartfelt feelings on how adoption has made them feel.
My Friend Has an Adopted Child, and They Don’t Have Any Issues with Being Adopted - Shining a light on the comment so many adoptees hear over and over.
Here are some of the articles I have been featured in:
These Adoptees Refuse to Be Christian Pro-Life Poster Kids by Kathryn Post of Religious News Service.
Toward Preventing Adoption- Related Suicide by Mirah Riben.
Before a month celebrating adoption, a day to recognize adoptees’ trauma by Religion News Service.
Bringing Adult Adoptee Issues to Light by Angela Burton of Next Avenue.
I have heard this more times than I can count. When I hear it, I immediately perceive the person as someone unsafe to be around. In some cases, I know the adopted person or people they are talking about, and I know the adoptees are definitely not okay. Adoptee Silence is real, and comments that invalidate and dismiss our feelings reinforce that silence.
Thank you for giving voice to what I have felt over the years but had no words to describe.