Understanding that an adoptee's reaction to goodbyes is not a choice but a reflection of deep-seated trauma is the first step in fostering meaningful support.
Thank you for your writing. I am feeling the challenges your article addresses. Leaving a seventeen year marriage as an adoptee is difficult and has brought up many traumas. The reason for our fractured relationship is when my biological daughter came back into my life after 36 years. As a pregnant teenager and an adoptee myself I thought I was safe when I told my soon to be husband about my child and if she ever came into my life I would welcome her. He was understanding until the day came and told me "You have to keep her a secret" which unearthed a volcano of deeply rooted emotions. This is a journey of emotions I am conscious of and those my body, nervous system has made me very aware of. As Bessel Ban Der Kolk says "the body keeps the score"
Thank you for sharing this. I can feel the depth of what you’re navigating, and it’s heavy.
Leaving a 17-year marriage as an adoptee, with all the layers of trauma and emotions tied to your daughter’s return, is no small thing. The demand to keep her a secret, it’s devastating and cuts right to the core of everything adoptees are conditioned to endure.
You’re right about the body keeping the score. It’s like the things we’ve buried so deeply find their way out whether we’re ready or not. But the fact that you’re conscious of this, aware of how your nervous system is responding, is everything. It’s how healing begins, even when it feels impossible.
You’ve faced so much, and yet here you are, standing in your truth! I couldn't be more proud of you! That takes strength, and it matters. Thank you for trusting me with this part of your story. 💫🩵
Thank you for your supportive words. I am learning to be seen in my truth and speaking my truth. Also learning to no longer hold or carry the shame many close relationships have tried to impose on me. I feel like I've been covered in many layers of wet wool blankets, heavy, stinky and suffocating. I'm realizing my marriage, as painful as it was/is has allowed me to work on my healing and understand the deeply buried emotions. I truly had no idea I had absorbed so much pain and grief until those words left his lips "you have to keep her a secret". Now that the floor is stable beneath my feet and my world has stopped spinning as quickly I can find my footing and grounding to free myself of their weight and shine my light ! 🙏🏼 ❤️🩹
I am now wanting to help other adoptees and biological mothers who have had to grieve alone and with no support or kindness offered to them, it is a lonely place to be. 🦋
I’ve said horrible things to myself about my inability and over the top sensitivity to goodbyes. Ending my Marriage, breakups with friends, losing my adopted dad, it’s been heavy and painful layers on layers that I’ve just written off as life stuff. This post is making me weepy. I’ll read it again and meditate on the parts that feel harder to process and perhaps there I’ll find some grace and forgiveness for myself and others. 🙏🏽❤️🩹 Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this so honestly. The weight of those goodbyes and the way we turn that weight inward on ourselves can be unbearable at times. It’s so easy to dismiss it all as just “life stuff,” (I did the same until I finally started connecting the dots) but it’s not. It’s deep, layered, and deserves the space you’re giving it.
I hope as you sit with this, you find that grace and forgiveness you so deserve. You’ve carried so much as an adoptee, and I’m grateful this resonated with you. A little validation goes along way!
I was adopted at one month old. As an adult, I have noticed a pattern of being drawn to people who produce a longing feeling in me. Not quite right. Not really what I need. Did I learn that love means something is missing? Love is grief? Love is shame? Did I feel the love, grief, and shame my mother felt when I was with her? Was I washed in feelings that were mixed up and complicated? Excruciating love? I missed out on something I never had. She missed out on something she would never have. She loved me but couldn't have me. Did that create a slippery neuro pathway in my brain that linked love with sorrow and pain? Did my brain develop a wound that was reignited when bitten by love that equaled unfulfillment, grief, or yearning? I had to learn a lot of lessons before being able to accept love in a way that could truly meet my needs.
even abrupt goodbyes in anger feel like hurtnig. like i always wonder if i deserve it or did i mess up this relationship to the point of no return?? i blame myslef for a lot of break ups bc thats what ive been told, i ruin things,, and i cant fix anything
Thank you for being so honest. What you’re feeling is real, and I want to gently remind you that being blamed doesn’t always mean you’re at fault.
When we grow up being told we ruin things, it’s easy to carry that narrative into every goodbye- even when it’s not ours to hold.
You don’t deserve to be left in confusion or shame. Some relationships end not because we're broken, but because the other person couldn’t meet us in our truth. That’s not our failure. That’s just reality.
You are not too much. You are not too messy. And you are not unlovable.
Also, you aren't alone! I have also struggled with this over the years. Sending you lots of love!!! Be easy on yourself and keep sharing! 🩵
Thank you for your writing. I am feeling the challenges your article addresses. Leaving a seventeen year marriage as an adoptee is difficult and has brought up many traumas. The reason for our fractured relationship is when my biological daughter came back into my life after 36 years. As a pregnant teenager and an adoptee myself I thought I was safe when I told my soon to be husband about my child and if she ever came into my life I would welcome her. He was understanding until the day came and told me "You have to keep her a secret" which unearthed a volcano of deeply rooted emotions. This is a journey of emotions I am conscious of and those my body, nervous system has made me very aware of. As Bessel Ban Der Kolk says "the body keeps the score"
Hi Deb,
Thank you for sharing this. I can feel the depth of what you’re navigating, and it’s heavy.
Leaving a 17-year marriage as an adoptee, with all the layers of trauma and emotions tied to your daughter’s return, is no small thing. The demand to keep her a secret, it’s devastating and cuts right to the core of everything adoptees are conditioned to endure.
You’re right about the body keeping the score. It’s like the things we’ve buried so deeply find their way out whether we’re ready or not. But the fact that you’re conscious of this, aware of how your nervous system is responding, is everything. It’s how healing begins, even when it feels impossible.
You’ve faced so much, and yet here you are, standing in your truth! I couldn't be more proud of you! That takes strength, and it matters. Thank you for trusting me with this part of your story. 💫🩵
Thank you for your supportive words. I am learning to be seen in my truth and speaking my truth. Also learning to no longer hold or carry the shame many close relationships have tried to impose on me. I feel like I've been covered in many layers of wet wool blankets, heavy, stinky and suffocating. I'm realizing my marriage, as painful as it was/is has allowed me to work on my healing and understand the deeply buried emotions. I truly had no idea I had absorbed so much pain and grief until those words left his lips "you have to keep her a secret". Now that the floor is stable beneath my feet and my world has stopped spinning as quickly I can find my footing and grounding to free myself of their weight and shine my light ! 🙏🏼 ❤️🩹
I am now wanting to help other adoptees and biological mothers who have had to grieve alone and with no support or kindness offered to them, it is a lonely place to be. 🦋
I’ve said horrible things to myself about my inability and over the top sensitivity to goodbyes. Ending my Marriage, breakups with friends, losing my adopted dad, it’s been heavy and painful layers on layers that I’ve just written off as life stuff. This post is making me weepy. I’ll read it again and meditate on the parts that feel harder to process and perhaps there I’ll find some grace and forgiveness for myself and others. 🙏🏽❤️🩹 Thank you.
Good morning, Bethany,
Thank you for sharing this so honestly. The weight of those goodbyes and the way we turn that weight inward on ourselves can be unbearable at times. It’s so easy to dismiss it all as just “life stuff,” (I did the same until I finally started connecting the dots) but it’s not. It’s deep, layered, and deserves the space you’re giving it.
I hope as you sit with this, you find that grace and forgiveness you so deserve. You’ve carried so much as an adoptee, and I’m grateful this resonated with you. A little validation goes along way!
Sending love as you process it all. 💫🩵
I was adopted at one month old. As an adult, I have noticed a pattern of being drawn to people who produce a longing feeling in me. Not quite right. Not really what I need. Did I learn that love means something is missing? Love is grief? Love is shame? Did I feel the love, grief, and shame my mother felt when I was with her? Was I washed in feelings that were mixed up and complicated? Excruciating love? I missed out on something I never had. She missed out on something she would never have. She loved me but couldn't have me. Did that create a slippery neuro pathway in my brain that linked love with sorrow and pain? Did my brain develop a wound that was reignited when bitten by love that equaled unfulfillment, grief, or yearning? I had to learn a lot of lessons before being able to accept love in a way that could truly meet my needs.
even abrupt goodbyes in anger feel like hurtnig. like i always wonder if i deserve it or did i mess up this relationship to the point of no return?? i blame myslef for a lot of break ups bc thats what ive been told, i ruin things,, and i cant fix anything
Hi Jacky & Good morning to you!!!
Thank you for being so honest. What you’re feeling is real, and I want to gently remind you that being blamed doesn’t always mean you’re at fault.
When we grow up being told we ruin things, it’s easy to carry that narrative into every goodbye- even when it’s not ours to hold.
You don’t deserve to be left in confusion or shame. Some relationships end not because we're broken, but because the other person couldn’t meet us in our truth. That’s not our failure. That’s just reality.
You are not too much. You are not too messy. And you are not unlovable.
Also, you aren't alone! I have also struggled with this over the years. Sending you lots of love!!! Be easy on yourself and keep sharing! 🩵