When Goodbye Feels Like a Death Sentence: An Adoptee's Perspective

Understanding that an adoptee's reaction to goodbyes is not a choice but a reflection of deep-seated trauma is the first step in fostering meaningful support.

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For many, goodbyes are a natural, albeit bittersweet, part of life. However, adoptees often carry a unique and excruciating emotional weight rooted in the trauma of early separation from one's biological family.

These temporary or permanent farewells can act as a trigger, reopening wounds that may never fully heal. To truly understand this phenomenon, we must delve into the psychological, emotional, and even physiological layers of the adoptee experience while fostering a dialogue that encourages understanding and empathy across the adoption constellation.

The First Goodbye: The Primal Wound

Every adoptee's journey begins with an involuntary goodbye—the separation from their biological mother. Though this loss often occurs before conscious memory, its effects are profound and enduring.

The primal wound theory, first introduced by Nancy Verrier, posits that the severance of the mother-infant bond creates a deep, psychological wound that affects an adoptee's sense of self, safety, and connection.

As a newborn, the biological mother represents more than a caregiver; she is the source of life, comfort, and survival. When this bond is broken, even in cases of open adoption or infancy placement, the infant's nervous system registers the loss as a threat to existence. Studies in developmental psychology and neuroscience support this, showing that early trauma, particularly separation, can dysregulate the stress-response system, leading to heightened sensitivity to abandonment and loss.

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For me, every goodbye feels like a visceral terror that takes me back to that original moment of separation. It's not just a fleeting sadness; it's a full-body experience—a hollow ache in my chest, a lump in my throat that won't go away, and a subconscious scream of please don't leave me. It's as if time collapses, and I am once again that infant, grieving a loss I couldn't understand but could feel with every fiber of my being.

The Ripple Effect of Early Loss

Another coping mechanism I've noticed among some adoptees, including myself, at times, is what I call "the adoptee door slam." This is when an adoptee preemptively closes a door on a relationship without saying goodbye at all. It's a way to avoid the anticipated pain of parting by ending the connection on their own terms. While it might seem abrupt or even harsh to others, this behavior is deeply tied to the push-pull dynamic many adoptees experience in relationships.

The push stems from the fear of intimacy and being left, while the pull is a yearning for connection and validation. This dance of wanting closeness but fearing abandonment often leaves adoptees feeling conflicted and misunderstood. For me, this ties directly to the themes of loss and self-protection explored in this article.

Goodbyes for adoptees often trigger a cascade of emotions linked to unresolved grief and compounded loss. Beyond the initial separation, adoptees face a series of secondary losses: the loss of biological family, culture, identity, and the life they might have had. No matter how small, each goodbye becomes a microcosm of these more enormous losses.

Adoptees frequently struggle with attachment. Many develop an anxious attachment style, characterized by fear of abandonment and hypervigilance to signs of rejection. Others may adopt an avoidant attachment style, detaching emotionally to preempt the pain of anticipated loss. Both styles are adaptive responses to early trauma but can make navigating goodbyes—and relationships in general—profoundly challenging.

The Role of Fear and Shame

Goodbyes can also unearth feelings of inadequacy and shame rooted in the adoptee's internalized narrative of relinquishment. The subconscious question often arises: Why would anyone stay now if I wasn't worth staying for then? This shame, coupled with a fear of being forgotten or replaced, makes even temporary goodbyes feel catastrophic.

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Biological and Psychological Underpinnings

The physiological impact of early separation further complicates an adoptee's ability to cope with goodbyes. Studies in epigenetics and developmental neuroscience reveal that early trauma can alter the brain's wiring, particularly in areas related to stress regulation and emotional processing. The amygdala, which governs fear responses, becomes hypersensitive, while the prefrontal cortex, responsible for rational thought, struggles to regulate these heightened emotions.

For adoptees, this often manifests as an overreaction to perceived or actual goodbyes. A simple "Goodbye" might ignite feelings of dread, despair, or panic. This is not an overreaction—it is a trauma response.

Why Understanding Matters

It can be challenging for non-adoptees to comprehend why goodbyes are so painful for adoptees. To be transparent, I am confident some adoptees don't even understand this themselves. This is where empathy and education become essential. Understanding that an adoptee's reaction to goodbyes is not a choice but a reflection of deep-seated trauma is the first step in fostering meaningful support.

When non-adoptees dismiss or minimize an adoptee's feelings around goodbyes, it can deepen the sense of isolation many adoptees already feel. But when adoptive parents, biological parents, and others in the adoptee's life make an effort to acknowledge and validate these feelings, it creates a space for healing and connection.

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Building Dialogue: Questions for Reflection

Reflect on these questions to encourage understanding and spark meaningful conversations within the adoption constellation:

Adoptees, how do goodbyes affect you on an emotional and physical level? Have you ever connected a current goodbye to your original loss, and how did it feel? What coping strategies have helped you navigate the pain of goodbyes? Is this the first time you have learned this?

Adoptive parents, how do you support your adoptee through the pain of goodbyes, and what might you do differently? Have you considered how your adoptee's reaction to goodbyes might reflect more profound feelings of loss, and how can you create a safe space for them to express their fears of abandonment?

For biological parents, how do you navigate the complexities of reunion goodbyes, if applicable? Have you explored how your own feelings of loss might mirror your child's experiences, and how can you affirm your ongoing connection with your child, even if physical goodbyes are necessary?

Goodbyes are never simple for adoptees. They are not just moments of parting but echoes of a lifetime of compounded loss, unresolved grief, and a deep-seated fear of abandonment. For me and many others, goodbyes are a form of terror—a visceral reminder of the original separation trauma that adoption brings.

One small practice that helps me cope is how I approach farewells. I rarely say goodbye. Instead, I always say, "See you soon/Talk to you soon" or "See you next time/Talk to you next time," especially to those I have close relationships with. Some adoptees are more triggered than others regarding goodbyes, and some might not be triggered at all. From my experience, a more significant portion of adoptees are triggered, than aren’t.

These words, while simple, create a sense of continuity and reassurance that helps mitigate the emotional impact of parting. It's my way of anchoring myself hoping that the connection endures, even when we are apart.

For my fellow adoptees, how do you navigate this for yourself if you do struggle with goodbyes?

Understanding this reality is an act of love for all. It validates the adoptee experience, fosters empathy, and bridges gaps within the adoption constellation. Through dialogue, awareness, and intentional connection, we can create a world where adoptees feel seen, heard, and supported—even in the face of life's inevitable goodbyes.

THE REAL ADOPTEA MOXIE UPDATE:

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As we kick off 2025 together, I wanted to share an update about my writing schedule at The Real Adoptea Moxie. To make room for the final touches on my memoir, “Born in the Shadows, Living in the Light: My Adoptee Epiphanies—The Fight of My Life,” I’ll scale back just a bit and publish one or two articles per month moving forward.

This slight shift will allow me to focus entirely on completing my 15-year-in-the-making story while still connecting with all of you in our cozy virtual chat space, The Luna Lounge. I’m grateful for your continued support, thoughtful comments, and heartfelt engagement. You’re the reason this space is alive with realness and connection, and I’m endlessly thankful to have you along for the ride.

Stay tuned for more powerful reflections, raw truths, and, of course, moxie-filled musings. Let’s make 2025 a year of growth, creativity, and shared stories.

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Photo by Ed Robertson on Unsplash

I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.

If you are a USA adoptee experiencing a mental health crisis, please take immediate steps to ensure your safety. Contact a licensed mental health professional or text #988 for immediate assistance.

For adoptees around the globe, please reach out to The Mental HeaHelplines: International Global Help Hotline Directory here.

I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. It can be found here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.

Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.

Understanding is Love,

Pamela A. Karanova

Here are a few articles I recommend reading:

100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption by Pamela A. Karanova & 100 Transracial Adoptees Worldwide

When Adoptees Know Loss Before We Know Love by Pamela A. Karanova

When Society is Uninformed On Separation Trauma, Education is Essential by Pamela A. Karanova

Thirty Things to Consider Before Adopting from An Adult Adoptee Perspective by Pamela A. Karanova

I’m Adopted, HELP ME by Pamela A. Karanova

Adoption Hasn’t Touched Me. It’s Ruthlessly Kicked My Ass by Pamela A. Karanova

Head Logic Won't Heal a Broken Heart: Emotional Gaslighting & Why Emotions Matter in Adoptee Grief & Loss by Pamela A. Karanova

Adopted and in the Dark: The Medical History Crisis No One Talks About by Pamela A. Karanova

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