Thirty Things to Consider Before Adopting from An Adult Adoptee Perspective
I care about the future generations of adoptees, so I thought it would be a fantastic opportunity to highlight some of the main topics that should be considered before adopting.
Sharing experiences and knowledge can be the keys to understanding for those who have the willingness to listen and learn. All adoptees experience trauma & loss before they experience adoption, and we experience endless challenges on the adoptee journey. I have had countless adoptive parents reach out to me for guidance and answers. Because I have a lifetime of lived experiences and wisdom to share, I am writing this article. I care about the future generations of adoptees, so I thought it would be a fantastic opportunity to highlight some of the main topics that should be considered before adopting a child from an adult adoptee perspective. After all, adult adoptees are the real experts in the adoption constellation. The adoption agencies and advocates won't share most of these topics, so highlighting them was essential.
Thirty Things to Consider Before Adopting a Child from An Adult Adoptee Perspective:
Have the willingness to listen and learn from adult adoptees. Complete a roll call for at least ten adult adoptees from all different walks of life and ask them to sit down with you individually, in person, and share how it feels to be adopted. Ask them what the most challenging parts are, and listen to learn. Spend at least a year, preferably more, diving into adoptee-centric content like Adoptees On and Dear Adoption. Read adoptee blogs, listen, and learn from the real experts in the adoption constellation. Find more recommendations here. Gather your questions and set up a Table Talk Session with me.
We might not be thankful or grateful. I don't know any adoptees celebrating the loss of their biological mothers, fathers, siblings, memories, ethnicity, medical history, family history, culture, connection, etc. Please don't say things that make us feel like we need to. You might see the fancy house and all the love in the world as a reason we should be grateful, but do you understand what we had to experience to get that? Consider purchasing a copy of Angela Tucker's new book, You Should Be Grateful.
Adoption is rooted in complex grief, loss, and trauma from separation from our biological mothers. Be willing to accept that before you adopt a child, they first have to experience the trauma of losing their biological mother and connections. Do extensive research on the psychological, emotional, and physical impacts of maternal separation before you make any final decision. Pre-verbal trauma is real, and so is separation trauma. It can impact adoptees forever. You will need to become an expert on how to help us process this at very early ages. The earlier we heal, grieve and process our loss and pain, the better. Are you ready for this lifelong commitment?
Examine your motives for adopting. Are you adopting to fill a void in your life? Or because you want to provide a stable environment for a child in need? Adoption should always be about the child. If infertility has been a struggle, have you walked through it and processed your grief and loss? Adoptees should never feel like they are filling a void for a biological child. We can't possibly fill that void, and you will be disappointed if you try to make us. Consider purchasing Brooke Randolph's book, It's Not About You.
"She Loved You So Much." Never tell an adoptee that our mothers loved us so much they gave us away. Saying this can forever taint our view of love and can be one of the most significant mental mind fu*ks on the planet for an adopted person to grasp, let alone understand. When you do, love is leaving, abandonment, pain, and loss. Consider Reading: The Fight of My Life.
The majority of Adoptees don’t want to be referred to as your biggest blessing or gift, and we are likely not your first choice. Don't tell us that our birth mother's sacrifice was your biggest blessing and how grateful you are for her decision. Please don't tell us you "choose us" because we know your first choice will always be having your own biological child. It's awful to be on the receiving end of this conversation. Many of us are no more grateful for being adopted than you are for not having your own biological child or someone struggling with infertility. Being referred to as a gift is insulting to many of us. Being paid for with a cash price brings a new reality to this term, and many of us don't like it. Do you say these things to non-adoptees? Likely not. Please don't say them to adoptees. Consider Reading: Adoptees are Not Gifts and Possessions.
Being adopted and our beginnings erased, names changed, and our original identities sealed is traumatic. Be prepared to seek extensive therapy to help the adoptee in your life walk through adoption trauma for them and seek therapy for you, too. Also, be ready for a massive identity crisis to unfold. Be prepared that we will likely need lots of therapy from an adoptee-competent therapist to navigate our experiences, feelings, and emotions. Wrap your mind around the reality that our feelings are perfectly normal for a not normal situation. Nothing is normal about being separated from our biological families at the beginning of life. We are raised to be honest and tell the truth, and integrity is everything, but why are adoption secrets and lies the exception? Knowing the people who say they love us the most co-sign for these secrets and lies is a total mental mind f*uck for adopted people. Please stop co-signing for secrets and lies. The truth always comes out, and secrets destroy us. Consider Reading: In Adoption, We're Only As Sick As Our Secrets.
Anger and rage should be expected. Wrap your mind around the fact that adopted people have plenty to be angry about, and it will be a lifelong visitor for many of us. Yes, we can take that anger and do something positive with it, but why should we spend our whole lives fighting for our truth? So much time is wasted living in the unknown. Consider Reading: Adoptees, Why Are You So Angry? Over 100 Adoptees Share Heartfelt Feelings.
Be Aware of Silencer Statements & Microaggressions. When an adoptee starts talking about adoption, we often hear silencer statements like, "Aren't you thankful your mother gave you life?" or, "I'm sure you are thankful you weren't aborted?" Or better yet, "What a selfless decision your birth mother made!" These statements are not the least bit helpful and are harmful. Listening & learning is what we need from non-adoptees. Consider Reading: Why Adoptees Can't Move On and Get Over It.
It doesn't pay to keep secrets. More often than not, adoption is rooted in secrecy, shame, and half-truths, and sometimes adoption is infiltrated in no truths at all. Keeping secrets from an adoptee is life-shattering and destroys our sense of self. Adoption is hard enough all by itself. Pretending like we don't have a beginning is harmful, and lying about who we are or where we come from isn't okay. Anyone who co-signs for this secrecy should expect the truth to come out eventually. It always does. Once the reality sets in that everyone who knows and loves the prospective adoptee has signed the dotted line to keep secrets, be prepared for a significant fallout. Secrets and lies destroy, and nothing good comes from them. You should not adopt a child if you don't stand for 100% truth and transparency in the entire adoption process.
Babies aren't blank slates. Against the grain of popular belief, newborn babies are not blank slates. We have beginnings, histories, and backstories. And for most of us, they matter. Although society has tried, we can't erase any adoptee's origins, no matter how hard or painful they might be. Our beginnings matter to us, even the hard-core truths. I found out my birth parents were raging alcoholics. This was disappointing; however, finding that truth saved my life. I am cautious of my relationship with alcohol because I don't want to die like them. I always say that I don't care if my birth mother was piss poor living in a cardboard box; she was still my birth mother. I still loved her and wanted to know her. Consider Reading: Why Do Adoptees Search? An Adoptee Collaboration Over 20 Adoptees Chime In.
Don't ever talk negatively about our biological families. No matter the history of our biological mothers and fathers, they are still our DNA and matter to us. What you say about them is how we will feel about ourselves. There are ways you can share the truth in love so we can explore the truth. Let us form our conclusions and support us in our search and reunions. Instead of everyone else telling us, we often need to be the ones to see! Just because our biological parents might have been a certain way when we were born doesn't mean they still are. ALL PEOPLE CAN CHANGE. I had to put myself in my birth mother's shoes to understand better her decision, which brought me healing. Consider Reading: My Birth Mother's Shoes.
We will always have another mother and father. That's right, the sooner (before you adopt) you can accept this and invite this reality into your heart, the better your relationship will be with the adoptee in your life. Not all adoptees will even want to search or reunite, but what if they do? Are you ready to support that decision? They should not have to feel split between two worlds; your role in this is pivotal. You can draw them closer to you with support or push them away by making things weird & difficult. Consider Reading: Don't Assume Once An Adoptee Finds Their Biological Family, All Their Problems Will Be Solved, and I Don't Know My Mom.
Closing an open adoption is cruel. If you consider an open adoption and feel it's a better fit for your journey, you must know one thing. One of the most brutal and unethical things anyone can do is close an open adoption. No matter what hardships come your way, this should never happen. Consider reading: Is Open Adoption the Answer?
Everyone deserves to know who they are and where they come from. If adoptees decide to search, it's not about you. Are you prepared to embrace this decision that might be made? If you aren't or have fears about us finding our biological mothers, you should work on those fears before adopting. Do you think a whole human shouldn't want to know their beginnings? If so, I challenge that narrative. You will never know the depths of this until you look yourself in the mirror and have no idea who is looking back at you. It's haunting, devastating, and leaves many of us feeling hollow and empty inside. Many of us NEED TO KNOW. It's life or death. Just because the adoptee in your life acts like nothing is wrong doesn't mean it isn't. Consider Reading: My Friend Has An Adopted Child, They Don't Have Any Issues with Being Adopted.
Love isn't enough, or a house full of stuff. Nothing of material value can replace or replicate what we lose because of relinquishment and adoption. Nothing. Your fancy home, vacations, material items, the nicest clothes in the most admirable neighborhood, incredible cars, and the paid-for college degree don't equate or make up for the broken bond and the separation trauma every adoptee experiences. Love and money aren't enough. Please read: Why Love Isn't Enough or A House Full of Stuff.
You can't fix us or take our pain away. Adoption impacts every adoptee differently. Some adoptees have tapped into the root issues of separation trauma, and some have not. The reality is everyone who signs on the dotted line for the adoption to occur should take accountability that they have co-signed for this adoptee to be forced into a lifetime of pain from dying to know who we are and where we come from. The sooner you accept that you can't take our pain away, the better. What you can do is be completely honest and transparent about our stories, information, and history and support us wholeheartedly when we want to search and find our truth. Consider Reading: I'm Adopted, You Can't Fix Me or Take My Pain Away.
We don't stay children forever. Please stop referring to us as such. The buzzing conversations in adoption circles almost always refer to adopted "children" as such. We are only children for a short time. We grew up, and we have many feelings about adoption. We want to be honored as adults. Has it ever occurred to you that many of us get stuck because we don't have our whole truth? Consider Reading: Dear Perpetual Adopted Children and Everyone Who Knows and Loves Them.
The term "Gotcha Day" is insulting. If you decide to adopt a child, please don't use it. It's like being forced to celebrate the worst day of our lives. Maybe being adopted benefits some adoptees; however, we do not want to celebrate the painful loss we experience before adoption. If you present a party, the child will choose the party. I completed a poll with over 400 adoptees, and 98% of them despise "Gotcha Day." Please stop using this terminology. If anything, grieve with your adoptee because this is the day we lost everything.
Identity struggles are bound to happen. You can't remove a child from their biological connections, place them with genetic strangers, and try to hide the truth from them without prominent identity struggles and issues to follow. Consider Reading: Adoptees, Psudonms, and Identity.
Bonding isn't guaranteed, nor is connection. While the agencies usually don't highlight this topic, it's incredibly relevant. Have you thought of how that might feel to you and the adoptee in your life if bonding, connection, and the natural process of this is nonexistent? The truth is adoption is unnatural, forced bonding is traumatic, and no one can guarantee it. Adoption is forever. Consider reading: The Perplexity of Forced Bonding in Adoption.
What if you can't love your adopted child like you thought? Rehoming is prevalent in adoption and destroys adoptees. Have you thought about how it might feel to be stuck with a child you can't love or one you don't love the same as your biological child? Again, adoption is forever.
All Adoptees have a backstory. No matter how gut-wrenching you feel about our beginnings, it's essential to us, and we deserve to know our truth. Our history and family tree matters. Consider Reading: When Your Biggest Blessing Invalidates My Greatest Trauma.
Kick the RAD & Adopted Child Syndrom labels to the curb. This has been an awful way for psychologists and therapists to deter the root issue of separation trauma and attach a label to the adoptee as if it's all their problem they have these behaviors. Being separated from our biological mothers at the beginning of life creates such a deep wound it impacts us psychologically, emotionally, physically, and mentally. All the labels aren't necessary or helpful to come to accept this reality.
Withholding medical history is cruel and inhumane. Are you prepared to see a child suffer due to not having their medical history, and you can do nothing about it? Think about being in the emergency room for reoccurring childhood stomach issues for the adoptee in your life. Yet, you have zero medical history for them, so they experience test after test because everyone is left in the dark. This is my story and many other adoptees. The unnecessary suffering we go through due to lack of medical history is inhumane. Then, if we decide to have children, this reality gets passed to them. This is the real life of what adoptees go through. Consider Reading: Life-Saving Medical History, Secrecy & Adoptees.
Adoptee Birthdays, Holidays, Mother's Day & Father's Day are extremely difficult for many adoptees. Are you prepared to navigate this? Holidays are significant triggers to most adoptees, myself included, and will never disappear as they occur each year. Some of us withdraw, and others navigate the internal war within to try to make it through each holiday.
Accept that grief will be forever. Are you prepared to become an expert so you can help us? For most of my life, all the way to the moment I learned I was adopted, I started grieving the loss of my biological mother, but no one helped me navigate that grief. Grief emerged with the consequences of separation and adoption trauma in my early teen years, such as anger, rage, self-destruction, chemical dependency, identity crisis, and low self-esteem. No one told me grief was going to be a lifelong visitor. I had to figure it out on my own. Consider Reading: Still Grieving Adoptee Losses, What My Adoptive Parents Could Have Done Differently. and Bewildering Adoptee Grief on Infinite Repeat.
Addictions and substances plague adoptees. As an adoptee with my own 27-year dependency on alcohol, I can share firsthand how addictions and substances have played a role in my life. I had zero tools to work on my root issues or relinquishment, abandonment, and rejection, and alcohol was the bandaid that took my pain away. Finally, in 2012, I spent a decade living alcohol-free to sit with my pain. This is when sh*t got real. We have so many adoptees hurting and struggling. Consider Watching: Adoption & Addiction by Paul Sunderlund.
Prisons, jails, and mental health facilities are overflowing with adoptees. Do the research. I am an adoptee who's been to jail, locked up in the mental health ward, in drug and alcohol treatment. I still struggle with suicidal ideation, and I survived several suicide attempts. I am alive to advocate for those who didn't make it and those who haven't found their voices yet. Consider Watching: Adoption & Suicide Prevention. Adult Adoptees Speak Out.
Adoptees are Dying from the pain of relinquishment, separation trauma, and adoption trauma. Adoptees are 4x more likely to attempt suicide. There is no healing from secrecy, lies, and half-truths. Resources and tools for adoptees are limited, and our pain can be so great we can't see past it. Follow Adoptee Remembrance Day - October 30th on social media by hashtags #ard2023, #adopteeremembranceday, #adopteesweremember, and #adopteeremembranceday2023.
Are you still considering adoption? Check out an article with many adoptee voices expressing highlights on this topic. Consider Reading: Considering Adoption? What Adoptees Want You To Know.
If you think I am the only adoptee who feels so deeply about these topics, please do more research. Consider Reading: She Just Had A Bad Adoption Experience.
Please Read: 100 Heartfelt Adoptee Quotes that Honor The Truth of Adoption & 100 Heartfelt Adoptee Quotes that Honor The Truth of Transracial Adoption.
That's over 200 Adoptees sharing heartfelt feelings.
Hopefully, this comprehensive list helps shed light on the area of adoption that most of the adoption agencies and advocates won't bring to the table. If you have made it this far, thank you for reading. Education and understanding are everything. Consider Reading: If Adoption is Love, So Is Understanding Adoptees.
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. You can find it here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
Consider setting up a virtual one-on-one wellness table talk session with me if you need a lifeline or someone who understands. We can meet weekly, once a month, or once a year. You pick what works best for you. I added some more times for availability to accommodate those who want to navigate a healing journey and a better understanding of the adoptee experience. I am here to support you! Let me know if you need a different time than the listed ones, and I can set a specific time for you.
Click here to learn more and book your table talk today.
Here are a few Adoptee Remembrance Day articles I recommend reading:
Adoptee Remembrance Day: Today by Light of Day Stories
Before a month celebrating adoption, a day to recognize adoptees’ trauma by Religion News Service
Adoptee Remembrance Day by InterCountry Adoptee Voices (ICAV)
Adoptee Remembrance Day by Adoptees On
Adoptee Remembrance Day by My Adoptee Truth
Adoptee Remembrance Day Presentation by Brenna Kyeong McHugh
Adoptee Remembrance Day – October 30th by Bastard Nation
It’s Hard to Smile Today – My Tribute to Adoptee Remembrance Day – October 30th by Pamela A. Karanova
Adoption BE-AWARENESS and Remembrance By Mirah Riben
Adoptee REMEMBRANCE Day by Janet Nordine, Experience Courage
Adoptee Remembrance Day – October 30th YouTube Poetry Hosted By Liz Debetta
Listeners Acknowledge Adoptee Remembrance Day by Adoptees On
I was told by my adoptive parents that i was “chosen” and was so incredibly “special” that her body relaxed and she became pregnant with their biological child. I feel like a human fertility shot. How could i fight this narrative? Adopted parents and families MUST understand the complexities one has when the adoptive parents magically are pregnant after arrival of the adopted person-especially if the child is a different race, gender…i truly believe(d) that my brother was loved more because he shared their blood. Society views it as a miracle that my mom finally conceived her “own” child. OUCH. . .My life would have been totally different if i was told the truth about my relinquishment. Too deep to share the details here! Thank you for speaking out. My truth is still unfolding 🌹
My adoptive mother has done every one of these things. We didn’t call it “g0tch4 d4y” but there was a party every year bc it was a week before my birthday. I’m seeing my adoption file tomorrow and idk how to feel. It’s for my name and gender marker changes. I’m beyond scared sh*tless about it.