Ask Me Anything: You Can't Fix Your Adopted Child's Pain, But Here's What You Can Do
If you have a question, bring it. If you’re ready to listen, stay. But most importantly, be prepared for the truth—because that’s all you’ll find here.
Welcome to the “Ask Me Anything” Space on The Real Adoptea Moxie
Adoption is messy. It’s layered, complex, and filled with emotions that society often refuses to acknowledge. Here, we don’t sugarcoat the realities. We dive into the hard conversations, the unspoken truths, and the questions that so many adoptees have been silenced from answering honestly.
Recently, I received a question from an adoptive parent—one that reflects the deep love and concern so many have for the adoptees in their lives. I respect anyone willing to listen, learn, and challenge what they’ve been told about adoption. My response is not just for the person who asked but for anyone who loves and cares about an adoptee.
This space exists for adoptees to be heard. It’s also a learning ground for those outside the experience who truly want to understand. If you have a question, bring it. If you’re ready to listen, stay. But most importantly, be prepared for the truth—because that’s all you’ll find here.
"Dear Pamela,
I hope it is alright with you that I am reaching out. This morning, I came across your article, "Why Are You So Angry?" while searching for help with my three adopted daughters. What an amazing woman you are to share your life experience and open a passage to give validation, honest expression, and a voice to the suppressed and downright silenced! Thank you for your work and dedication to giving a voice to those who need to be heard and understood. I want so much to understand! After reading and clearly "hearing" the voices of these precious people, I now have greater insight into the PAIN of adoption, even in loving homes. I don't want these beautiful girls to suffer for a lifetime. My heart is for them to be whole and feel complete. How, Pamela, how?
And, is it possible for them to ever see their original birth certificate?
Gratefully, - Adoptive Parent"
Dear Adoptive Parent,
First and foremost, I acknowledge your openness and willingness to hear adoptees' voices truly. That alone sets you apart from so many. Your comment reflects deep care for your daughters, a desire to understand, and a longing to ease their pain. I respect that immensely. You're asking the right questions, even the hard ones, and I appreciate your willingness to step into uncomfortable truths.
I'm going to be very honest with you—there is no way to take away their pain. Adoption is an experience that fundamentally alters a person's sense of identity, belonging, and connection to the world. It is loss before it is anything else, and that loss doesn't disappear just because they were adopted into a loving home. This isn't a reflection of you or your Love for them—it's the reality of what adoption does to those of us who live it.
Adoption impacts every fiber of our being. It is not a one-time event but a lifelong experience that unfolds differently throughout our lives.
The pain of adoption ebbs and flows, sometimes lying dormant and other times roaring back with full force. Milestones, relationships, birthdays, holidays, and even seemingly small moments can trigger deep feelings of grief, loss, and identity struggles. This is not because adoptees are ungrateful or stuck in the past—it's because adoption, at its core, is built on separation trauma, grief, and loss.
You said, "I don't want these beautiful girls to suffer for a lifetime. My heart is for them to be whole and feel complete." I hear you. I hear the Love in that statement. But here's the reality: for an adoptee, wholeness is not about pretending the loss isn't there. It's about being allowed to acknowledge it, to process it, and to have the space to grieve in their way, on their timeline. You cannot erase their pain, but you can walk beside them. You can create an environment where they don't have to perform happiness to make others comfortable. You can make sure they know their pain is not an inconvenience to you.
So, what can you do?
Acknowledge the truth – Adoption is painful. Love doesn't erase that. Being honest about this will help your daughters more than anything.
Let them express their emotions freely – Anger, sadness, and frustration—these are not signs of failure or rejection of you. They are natural responses to their reality. Give them permission to feel without fear of judgment.
Educate yourself continuously – Read books and listen to adoptee voices. Follow the hard conversations, not just the comfortable ones. Seek out perspectives that challenge what you've been told about adoption. Below, you will find my list of recommended resources. Dive in.
Support their identity exploration – Encourage them to learn about where they come from. If they want to search for their biological family, be their ally, not their obstacle.
Advocate for their rights – You asked if they can ever see their original birth certificates. That depends on the laws of the state where they were born, and unfortunately, many adoptees are still denied access to their birth records. If you want to fight for them, support adoptee rights legislation. Every person deserves access to the truth of their origins. Visit Adoptee Rights Law and Adoptee Rights Coalition to learn more!
Understand that their pain is not about you – It's easy to feel like their struggles are a reflection of your parenting. They aren't. They existed before you and will exist alongside the Love you provide. Your job isn't to erase that pain—it's to ensure they don't have to carry it alone.
Accept that this is lifelong – Adoption is not something that gets "resolved" in childhood. Your daughters will navigate its impact for the rest of their lives. Be a safe place for them at every stage, even when they are adults. Your support should never come with an expiration date.
As an Adoptive Parent, I see your heart, and I hear you. I know you want them to be okay. The greatest gift you can give them is not a pain-free life (because that is impossible) but a life where they don't have to hide or deny their pain to be accepted. You stepped into this reality when you adopted them, and I encourage you to continue stepping into it fully—without looking away from the complex parts.
I appreciate you reaching out, listening, and asking, "How?" That's where change begins. And I hope, for your daughters' sake, that more adoptive parents start asking the same.
Let’s Talk About It
Adoptive parents, I know many of you don’t want your adopted child to feel broken or defined by pain. You love them deeply, and you want them to feel whole. But here’s the hard truth—adoption isn’t something they can just “move on” from. It’s a lifelong journey, with emotions that ebb and flow over time. The goal isn’t to fix them or make the pain disappear. It’s to create a space where they feel safe enough to express all of their emotions—without guilt, pressure, or expectation.
So, I’ll ask you—are you ready to sit with them in their discomfort, even when there’s nothing you can do to fix it? Can you let them be the ones to define what healing looks like for them, rather than rushing them toward a version of "wholeness" that feels more comfortable for you?
And to my fellow adoptees—what would you add? What do you wish people understood about the lifelong impact of adoption? Let’s get this conversation going. Drop your thoughts in the comments below.
Have a question for me?
If you're an adoptee, an adoptive parent, or someone who loves an adoptee and you’re wrestling with the complexities of adoption, I invite you to ask. No topic is off-limits.
Want to know how adoptees process grief and loss? Struggling to understand why adoption trauma lingers into adulthood? Curious about how to best support an adoptee in your life without invalidating their experience? Drop your questions here, and I’ll give you my raw, unfiltered, and honest take.
Leave your question below, and let’s have the conversation that needs to be had.
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
If you are a USA adoptee experiencing a mental health crisis, please take immediate steps to ensure your safety. Contact a licensed mental health professional or text #988 for immediate assistance.
For adoptees around the globe, please reach out to The Mental HeaHelplines: International Global Help Hotline Directory here.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. It can be found here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
Here are a few articles I recommend reading:
100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption by Pamela A. Karanova & 100 Transracial Adoptees Worldwide
When Adoptees Know Loss Before We Know Love by Pamela A. Karanova
When Society is Uninformed On Separation Trauma, Education is Essential by Pamela A. Karanova
Thirty Things to Consider Before Adopting from An Adult Adoptee Perspective by Pamela A. Karanova
I’m Adopted, HELP ME by Pamela A. Karanova
Adoption Hasn’t Touched Me. It’s Ruthlessly Kicked My Ass by Pamela A. Karanova
Head Logic Won't Heal a Broken Heart: Emotional Gaslighting & Why Emotions Matter in Adoptee Grief & Loss by Pamela A. Karanova
Adopted and in the Dark: The Medical History Crisis No One Talks About by Pamela A. Karanova
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