Pretty on Paper, Painful in Practice: The Truth About Adoption

This article isn't a gentle whisper into the wind. It's a reckoning. A loud, uncomfortable, necessary reckoning.

Photo by Maddie H. on Unsplash

Adoption is often sold to the world as an act of love, all wrapped in a shiny bow of sacrifice, second chances, and hope. But those of us who've lived it from the inside out know the truth: adoption is not love when it's rooted in secrecy, lies, chaos, and confusion.

From the beginning, most adoptions are built on foundations that are anything but pure. There are falsified birth certificates, sealed records, hidden truths, and erased and rewritten identities. The chaos isn't just in the logistics; it's in the soul of the adoptee, who is expected to navigate life without a map, a mirror, or a name that actually belongs to them.

And the world dares to call this love?

Let me be clear: anything built on secrecy and lies is destined to show the opposite of love. But society keeps repeating its favorite empty phrase, "Adoption is love." And in doing so, they're glossing over the agony, the torment, the sheer psychological and emotional violence so many adoptees feel as we grow up not knowing who we are or where we come from.

Imagine what it feels like to look in the mirror and see nothing. Some of us look in the mirror and hate what is looking back because that nothingness disconnects us from ourselves. It creates a war within ourselves. No familiar face, no shared features, no history staring back. Just an empty shell of a human being expected to smile and be thankful.

The Death of Identity

The internal severance from the person we truly are, the essence of who we were meant to be, is destroyed the moment we're taken from our origins. Adoption doesn't restore that; it covers it up with performance, forced gratitude, and silence.

We're expected to be grateful for our grief.

To be thankful for our loss.

To honor the people who took us in as if our very existence is something we now owe them.

And if we don't? We're gaslit. Shut down. Shamed. Treated as if we're broken or ungrateful or worse, unworthy of love at all.

Is It Really Love If It's Based on Conditions?

Let's talk about that word love.

Because the kind of "love" that demands we fit a certain mold isn't love. It's performance, control, and conditions. From the moment we're adopted, expectations are stacked on our shoulders. We must show gratitude and express thankfulness for being chosen. We must not speak negatively about our adoption, our beginnings, or the parents who relinquished us because someone else stepped in to take their place.

And aren't those people such incredible heroes?

That's what we're told.

They saved us.

They gave us a "better life."

They gave us their name, their home, their version of our identity.

So, we must repay them with unquestioning loyalty, emotional compliance, and the permanent silencing of our true feelings.

But I must ask: what kind of love only exists if we behave a certain way?

That's not love. That's conditional approval wrapped in a savior narrative.

And let me say this with every ounce of clarity in my being:

I didn't need that kind of love then, and I don't need it now.

Because if your love means I have to erase parts of myself to be accepted, that's not love I want anywhere near me.

True love makes space for grief.

True love holds room for truth, even when it's messy.

True love doesn't demand silence or gratitude for pain.

It sees the whole person and not just the role they were given to play.

Adoption Is Not the Answer the World Thinks It Is

This article isn't a gentle whisper into the wind. It's a reckoning. A loud, uncomfortable, necessary reckoning. While the world keeps pushing the narrative that adoption is the answer, they're ignoring the fact that most adoptees are walking around with invisible wounds that never got the chance to heal. And when we try to talk about it, we're shut down with, "But you were chosen," or "Your adoptive parents must be amazing people."

Maybe they are. Maybe they aren't.

But that's not the point.

The point is that if we're only allowed to be loved when we conform, comply, and comply again, then that's not love; it's erasure.

And adoptees are done being erased.

We deserve to be heard, seen, known, and accepted for who we are, not who someone else needs us to be to justify a broken system.

We didn't need that conditional love then, and we sure as hell don't need it now.

What Can Adoptive Parents and Readers Do?

This isn't just about awareness. It's about responsibility. If you are an adoptive parent, thinking about adoption, or someone who supports it blindly, here's what you can do if you really want to be part of the solution:

1. Stop Supporting Secrecy and Lies.

Don't co-sign for the system that erases a child's truth. Demand transparency. Reject falsified birth certificates. Refuse to accept sealed records as "normal." These are tools of erasure, not love.

2. Rally for 100% Truth and Transparency in Adoption.

If adoption is truly about the child, truth should never be negotiable. Every adoptee deserves to know where they come from, who they come from, and why decisions were made about them, without having to fight for scraps of information as adults.

3. Reconsider Adopting At All.

Ask yourself if you are doing this to meet a need in your life or to actually honor the truth of a child's experience. Are you ready to hold space for trauma, grief, anger, and identity crises that have nothing to do with you?

4. Understand that All Adopted Children Grow Up.

We are constantly seen as the "adopted child." We grow up, find our voices, and start asking questions. And if you've participated in or supported secrecy and silence, we will hold you accountable. You can love us fiercely and still be called out. Love doesn't erase responsibility, and love isn't a band-aid for reality and truth. Love isn't enough, nor is a house full of stuff. If you believe it is enough, you are genuinely misguided on adoption and reality.

5. For the Spiritual and Christian Readers:

If you claim to follow the path of faith, you must know that the truth matters. You can't claim to walk in the light and still support a system built in the shadows. God doesn't operate in deception, and neither should adoption. If truth sets people free, then adoptees deserve that freedom, too.

You have a choice.

And I hope you make the right one.

We are not here to perform.

We are not here to make you feel better.

We are here to tell the truth.

And it's time the world finally listened.

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Let’s Talk About It — Q&A for Reflection and Discussion

I know this article may stir up strong feelings, hard truths, and maybe even some discomfort, and that’s okay. That’s where real growth begins. Whether you’re an adoptee, an adoptive parent, a hopeful adoptive parent, or someone simply trying to understand this complex experience more deeply, I invite you to reflect and engage with these questions:

• What stood out to you the most in this article, and why?

• How do you personally define love? Has this article challenged that definition?

• If you’re an adoptive parent, how are you ensuring that truth and transparency are centered in your relationship with your adoptee?

• For adoptees: What has your experience been with conditional love, and how has it shaped your identity?

• What would it look like if adoption prioritized truth over secrecy, and identity over comfort?

• What needs to change and are you willing to be part of that change?

Feel free to drop your thoughts in the comments, or just sit with them quietly and let them simmer. This space is here for real conversation—not perfection.

Let’s keep breaking the silence together.

Photo by Ugne Vasyliute on Unsplash

An Important Update Regarding My Online Presence and Boundaries

After over two decades of deeply committed service and advocacy within the adoption and adoptee community, I’ve reached a place in both my personal and professional journey where I must prioritize my mental health, well-being, and personal safety.

In an effort to reestablish healthier self-care routines and recalibrate the time and energy I extend into online spaces—particularly those centered around adoption—I have made the intentional decision to scale back my presence across certain social media platforms. This is not a retreat, but a conscious recalibration rooted in self-preservation, discernment, and sustainability.

Moving forward, my Facebook page and other personal social media channels will primarily serve as spaces for connection with individuals—adoptees and non-adoptees alike—with whom I already have a personal relationship or established communication. Due to an increase in concerning privacy issues and deceptive interactions over the past several years, I am no longer accepting friend requests or private connection invitations from individuals I do not know personally or have not previously engaged with. This decision is final, deeply considered, and not up for negotiation.

This is not personal. It is protective.

The internet has become an increasingly volatile and unpredictable environment, where anonymity is often weaponized and identity can be easily fabricated. These evolving dynamics require new boundaries—boundaries that prioritize discernment, security, and mental clarity. Unfortunately, I do not have the time, capacity, or obligation to explain these decisions on an individual basis.

For those seeking continued connection within adoption and adoptee-focused conversations, I welcome you to engage with me right here on Substack, where I will continue to share reflections, insights, and lived experiences through a platform that honors depth and intentional dialogue. I am also maintaining a professional presence on LinkedIn, which I find to be a more structured and transparent environment for meaningful connections.

If we are not connected personally, please consider following me on LinkedIn and Substack rather than attempting to reach out through private or informal channels. Your understanding of this boundary is deeply appreciated.

Thank you to those who have supported me throughout the years. Your encouragement and solidarity mean more than I can express. I look forward to continuing this work in more sustainable, intentional ways.

For those who wish to connect more personally, I’ve reserved a few Table Talk Sessions—private one-on-one virtual conversations where we can speak directly and hold space together. If that’s something you’re interested in, here is the link to set that up: Book A Table Talk.

Photo by Santtu Perkiö on Unsplash

Have a question for me? Ask Me Anything!

If you're an adoptee, an adoptive parent, or someone who loves an adoptee and you’re wrestling with the complexities of adoption, I invite you to ask. No topic is off-limits.

Want to know how adoptees process grief and loss? Struggling to understand why adoption trauma lingers into adulthood? Curious about how to best support an adoptee in your life without invalidating their experience? Drop your questions here, and I’ll give you my raw, unfiltered, and honest take.

Leave your question below, and let’s have the conversation that needs to be had.

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Photo by Ed Robertson on Unsplash

I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.

If you are a USA adoptee experiencing a mental health crisis, please take immediate steps to ensure your safety. Contact a licensed mental health professional or text #988 for immediate assistance.

For adoptees around the globe, please reach out to The Mental HeaHelplines: International Global Help Hotline Directory here.

I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. It can be found here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.

Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.

Understanding is Love,

Pamela A. Karanova

Here are a few articles I recommend reading:

100 Heartfelt Transracial Adoptee Quotes that Honor the Truth of Adoption by Pamela A. Karanova & 100 Transracial Adoptees Worldwide

When Adoptees Know Loss Before We Know Love by Pamela A. Karanova

When Society is Uninformed On Separation Trauma, Education is Essential by Pamela A. Karanova

Thirty Things to Consider Before Adopting from An Adult Adoptee Perspective by Pamela A. Karanova

I’m Adopted, HELP ME by Pamela A. Karanova

Adoption Hasn’t Touched Me. It’s Ruthlessly Kicked My Ass by Pamela A. Karanova

Head Logic Won't Heal a Broken Heart: Emotional Gaslighting & Why Emotions Matter in Adoptee Grief & Loss by Pamela A. Karanova

Adopted and in the Dark: The Medical History Crisis No One Talks About by Pamela A. Karanova

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