Stop Blaming Adoptees for Their Pain: It's Time to Address the Real Systemic Barriers to Healing
It's not a choice. It's a reality we are forced to navigate alone, without adequate guidance, resources, or understanding from those who are supposed to help.
There's a troubling narrative that circulates in certain corners of the internet adoption circles and real life, and it's a narrative that many adoptees are all too familiar with the idea that we are choosing to stay in our pain, that we are willingly "wallowing" in our trauma. This mindset is not only harmful, but it's also fundamentally misguided.
We must also acknowledge that not all adoptees have the strength or desire to invest the energy, effort, and emotional toll required to seek a path to healing, while others do. Some adoptees advocate for change, sharing these vital topics to raise awareness and spark conversations.
A Personal Struggle for Healing
For much of my life, I've fought to be understood, to be validated, to have my pain acknowledged. But time and again, the world fell on deaf ears. Therapists, many friends, and society—all seemed to minimize the complexity of the trauma that separation trauma and adoption causes.
Over the years, it became clear that few professionals knew how to truly help adoptees. My lived experience is my reality. I have been in therapy since I was five years old, and if I were to estimate how many I have seen in my lifetime, I would say at least 25-30 therapists (possibly more!), and none could help me with adoption issues.
Trying to get help for myself countless times, I found myself in the exhausting and pointless position of "therapying the therapist." That's an experience far too many adoptees share—going to therapy only to realize the traditional and even some “adoption” competent therapists have little to no understanding of the deep wounds we carry, forcing us to explain our trauma to someone who lacks the tools to support us. I have found the majority of the time, an “adoption competent therapist” is someone who knows the surface-level issues about adoption but likely isn’t adopted, so they can’t honestly know.
Yes, adoptee-competent therapists are sprouting up around the globe, but they are few and far between for the millions of adoptees who desperately need help.
The systemic issue isn't that we're choosing to stay in our pain; the resources needed to help us heal have been scarce, inaccessible, or nonexistent. So many adoptees desperately want to heal, but how can we when we're not given the proper support? It's not a choice. It's a reality we are forced to navigate alone, without adequate guidance, resources, or understanding from those who are supposed to help.
Consider Reading: Understanding Closed Adoption: History, Harms, and the Urgent Call for Truth & Transparency.
I do believe that adoptees certainly have a choice when it comes to seeking a path of healing, but this decision is far from simple, and it can take a lifetime to heal such significant wounds. It’s crucial to recognize the deep complexities that accompany this choice, as many adoptees are navigating layers of trauma, secrecy, and emotional disconnection. For some, the very systems designed to help—like therapy or support groups—are inaccessible, unapproachable, or simply inadequate in addressing the unique and profound pain adoption can carry.
While healing is a personal journey, we must acknowledge the systemic barriers, societal narratives, and lack of adoptee-competent resources that can make this path feel insurmountable. Healing may be a choice, but it’s one complicated by the realities adoptees face, and we can’t overlook the obstacles standing in the way.
It can be incredibly harmful when our close friends, family, and loved ones adopt the mindset that we are "choosing" to stay in our pain. We often turn to these people for support, validation, and understanding, but it deepens the wound when they label our struggle as a choice. It dismisses the complexity of the trauma we carry and reduces our experience to something we are supposedly controlling.
Consider Reading: From Exhaustion and Anger to Empowerment and Education: The Evolution of My Adoption Advocacy.
Instead of offering compassion, these accusations create distance, shame, and isolation. We need our friends and family to listen and acknowledge the depth of our pain, not diminish it. Healing isn't as simple as "choosing" happiness for most of us; it's an ongoing process with layers of trauma to navigate and dismissing that only adds to our burden.
In all fairness, I think many times, they genuinely don't know what to say or do, and they haven't the slightest idea of how to "help us!" The reality is that being a heart with ears is genuinely one of the best ways they can validate our experiences, which is extremely valuable and helpful. I'm writing about this soon.
We need allies, not critics, within our closest circles. Look at the statistics of the Troubled Teen Industry (TTI), prisons, jails, mental health, and treatment facilities being overpopulated with adoptees, and the very harsh reality that adoptees are much more likely to take their own lives. These statistics speak for themselves!
Instead of Blaming Adoptees, Let's Focus on Separation Trauma & Creating More Resources!
Rather than blaming adoptees, we need to go upstream and address the root of the trauma: the initial separation from our birth families. Separation trauma, particularly the loss of the birth mother, is a deeply ingrained wound that leaves scars not just emotionally but neurologically and psychologically.
From the moment an adoptee is separated, they experience a profound disconnection that can manifest in lifelong feelings of abandonment, anxiety, identity confusion, and attachment difficulties. This is not something an adoptee can simply "choose" to heal from—it is a fundamental loss that shapes every aspect of who we are.
The real deal: Some wounds are too big to fully heal! - For some adoptees, separation trauma is one of them!
If we genuinely want to support adoptees, we need to shine a light on this foundational trauma and recognize the layers of damage it causes, from developmental delays to complex grief, instead of placing blame on adoptees for struggling to cope with it. Healing begins when we address the core wound, not dismissing or diminishing its impact.
The Real Barriers to Healing: What's Holding Adoptees Back
To understand why adoptees struggle to heal, it's crucial to acknowledge the systemic barriers that make it difficult for us to move forward. These barriers are widespread and deeply ingrained in the systems that should be supporting us. Here are some of the most significant ones:
1. Lack of Adoptee-Competent Therapists: Recognize the difference between adoption-competent and adoptee-competent. Most therapists are not trained to deal with the unique trauma that comes with being adopted unless they are adopted themselves. Adoption is often glossed over in mental health training, and many professionals don't understand the lifelong impact of relinquishment trauma, separation from birth families, and the layers of identity confusion adoptees face. Without this foundational understanding, therapy can become a frustrating and fruitless experience.
2. Inaccessible Mental Health Care: Even when adoptees do find adoptee competent therapists, the cost of ongoing therapy can be prohibitive. Many adoptees, especially those dealing with complex trauma, need long-term therapy to heal. But with therapy often being costly and insurance covering only a limited number of sessions, many adoptees simply can't afford the care they need.
3. The Stigma of Adoption Trauma: Society often perpetuates the myth of adoption as a "fairy tale," a narrative of being "saved" or "chosen." This narrative leaves little room for the reality of adoption trauma. Adoptees who speak about their pain are often silenced or told to be "grateful" for their adoptive families. The stigma around adoption trauma means adoptees are less likely to feel safe in expressing their pain, further hindering their healing.
4. Closed Adoption Practices: Many adoptees from closed adoptions are denied access to their original birth certificates (OBCs) and family medical histories. This creates layers of identity confusion and health-related anxiety. Imagine trying to heal while feeling like half of your story is missing. It's no wonder that many adoptees struggle with identity issues, abandonment, grief, loss, and rejection, which complicate the healing process.
5. Generational and Prenatal Trauma: For many adoptees, trauma begins in utero, especially in cases where the birth mother experiences stress, shame, or substance abuse during pregnancy. This trauma can have long-lasting effects on mental and emotional development. Yet, this layer of trauma is often overlooked, leading to a misunderstanding of the deep-rooted pain many adoptees carry from birth.
6. Separation Trauma: The separation from a birth mother at birth or shortly (or even as a child at any age) after is a trauma that cannot be overstated. It's a loss that affects the psyche in profound ways, often leading to a sense of disconnection, abandonment, and lifelong grief. Separation trauma is a wound that adoptees experience this wound intensely, yet many in the mental health (and many adoptive parents) field still fail to recognize its significance.
7. Adoption-Related Guilt and Shame: Adoptees are often made to feel guilty for expressing their grief, loss, anger, frustration, and pain. The expectation to be grateful for being adopted silences adoptees and forces them to suppress their feelings. When we do speak up, we're often met with resistance or disbelief, further entrenching feelings of shame and isolation.
8. Lack of Support Networks: Adoptees often lack access to communities or support groups where they can process their trauma with others who understand. Without these safe spaces, many adoptees are left to navigate their pain in isolation, making the healing journey even more difficult. This is why Adoptees Connect, Inc. was created! If we don’t have a group in your city, consider starting one here.
Stop Blaming Adoptees—Start Addressing the Adoption Industry
It's also important to acknowledge the role of adoptive parents in this narrative. Many adoptive parents have been spoon-fed the same false narrative—that adoption is a perfect solution to a complex issue or that they are "saving" a child and should be celebrated. The truth is that many go into adoption blind, not fully understanding the depth of trauma, loss, and lifelong challenges adoptees often face. They, too, can assume adoptees are choosing to stay in the pain, which is vitally harmful to all adoptees in endless ways.
While this ignorance may have been understandable in the past, there is no excuse these days. The internet is filled with adoptees bravely sharing their stories, advocating for change, and offering insights into the realities of adoption. It is the responsibility of adoptive parents to do the necessary research and fully educate themselves before adopting.
Adoption agencies are equally complicit, as they often lure not just birth mothers but adoptive parents as well, painting a rosy picture while rarely addressing the most critical topics, such as separation trauma, adoption trauma, identity struggles, and the prolific primal wound. This leaves adoptive parents ill-prepared and ignorant of the profound emotional landscape they are about to navigate. It's a disservice to both the adoptee and the adoptive family, and this ignorance is not just unfortunate—it's unacceptable. We need to hold them accountable for perpetrating these injustices.
To those who claim that adoptees are choosing to stay in their pain, I ask you: how would you feel if the very systems meant to support you actively worked against your healing? How would you cope if the professionals you turned to for help didn't understand your trauma and if society told you that your pain didn't matter? The narrative that adoptees are "choosing" to stay traumatized is harmful and dismissive and ignores the very real barriers we face in our efforts to heal.
It's time to stop blaming adoptees and address the systemic failures that prevent us from healing.
One of my favorite quotes that resonates with me as an adoptee is Desmond Tutu's quote:
"There comes a point where we need to stop just pulling people out of the river. We need to go upstream and find out why they're falling in."
Adoptees do not choose to fall into the river. We're being violently thrown in by the adoption system that refuses to acknowledge or address our pain and then blamed for struggling to swim.
Each adoptee carries unique experiences, traumas, and emotional challenges, which means our healing paths will vary. Yes, we are in charge of our own healing journey, but it's crucial to recognize the constant roadblocks—lack of resources, support, or understanding—that complicate this process. Labeling adoptees as "choosing" to stay in pain not only oversimplifies the reality of our struggles but it's also dismissive and gaslighting.
It minimizes the depth of our trauma and invalidates the genuine barriers we face. This narrative shifts the blame onto adoptees instead of addressing the systemic issues that hinder our healing, making it feel like our pain is being erased. Such attitudes need to be eliminated from conversations about adoption, as they undermine the complexity of our healing journeys.
Instead of criticizing adoptees for their trauma, let's work to change the systems that contribute to it. We need more adoptee therapists trained in adoptee-specific trauma. We need to make mental health care accessible to all adoptees, not just those who can afford it.
We need to be authentic when speaking about adoption, as every adoption begins with separation trauma and complex grief and loss first! Being adopted does not erase this! We need to challenge the societal stigma that silences adoptee voices and replace it with a compassionate understanding of the complex layers of our trauma. Most importantly, we must stop placing the burden of healing solely on adoptees and start creating the resources and support networks necessary to help us heal.
A Call for a Greater Understanding and Immediate Change
What makes this narrative even more harmful is that it often comes from a portion of adoptees themselves. Some adoptees, who perhaps haven't experienced the same depth of pain or who have found a path to healing, are now labeling others within the adoptee community as "choosing to stay in pain." This not only dismisses the complexities of individual trauma but also creates a harmful divide within a marginalized group that should be unified in advocating for one another. And it hurts a lot coming from our own.
When adoptees turn on their fellow adoptees, accusing other adoptees of choosing their suffering, it adds layers of shame and isolation to those adoptees still struggling. It's particularly damaging because these comments come from adoptees who should empathize with and support their fellow adoptees, not throw those adoptees who are still in pain under the bus.
To those who still believe that adoptees are choosing to stay in their pain, I urge you to reconsider. Many of us are fighting like hell to heal despite the odds stacked against us. All the adoptees who have ended their lives in TTI, prisons, jails, mental health, and treatment facilities are drowning, and we have to go upstream to find out why they are falling in. It's not a choice to feel this pain. It's the result of a system that fails to provide us with the tools we need to overcome it but continues to throw adoptees in the water!
The adoptee community is drowning!
Rather than blaming adoptees for the trauma they've endured and telling them they are choosing to stay in pain, let's focus on addressing the root causes of that trauma and help create more resources for adoptees. Then, healing can be more attainable. Only then can we create a world where adoptees aren't just surviving—but thriving.
As Adoptee Remembrance Day - October 30th (ARD) approaches in just a week, we have a crucial opportunity to raise our voices and bring attention to the heart-wrenching realities many adoptees face. This year, for Adoptee Remembrance Day (ARD), we’re launching a challenge that’s not just about awareness—it’s about connection, education, and the power of conversation.
Here’s how it works:
• Before ARD and the days leading up to it: Have at least one conversation (each day if you can) with someone in your life about ARD. Share what it means, why it’s essential, and how adoption impacts more than what’s seen on the surface. Think of someone who may not know much about adoption or how deeply it affects the lives of adoptees—this is your opportunity to raise awareness.
• On ARD (October 30th): Have another conversation with a new person about ARD. This could be a friend, family member, colleague, or even someone you meet that day. Share stories, discuss what ARD represents, and why it’s a day to honor adoptees who have suffered in silence for too long. Use this conversation to help someone understand the hidden layers adoptees face, from grief and trauma to a search for identity.
Why is this challenge essential?
Conversations are the key to change. Each time we open up, we create space for understanding, empathy, and action. ARD isn’t just for adoptees—it’s for everyone to understand the depth of the adoption experience. Too often, adoptees feel invisible, our pain minimized or ignored. But the simple act of talking can change everything. It can bridge the gap between those who don’t know our stories and those who need to hear them.
Participating in this challenge, you’re helping break the silence surrounding ARD and opens the path to deeper awareness. Every conversation creates ripples—spreading knowledge, dismantling false narratives, and offering hope. When we talk, we give voice to those who can no longer speak and open hearts that may not have understood before.
Make it Fun but Authentic:
Share your heart. Be real. Use stories, be vulnerable, and show the human side of ARD. It doesn’t have to be formal or intimidating. Laugh, cry, reflect—show what it means to care about the adoptee experience. You can even get creative! Maybe have a walking conversation through nature, over coffee, or while watching the sunset—because ARD is as much about healing and connection as it is about awareness.
Take the ARD Conversation Challenge and show the world how powerful one conversation can be. You don't have to be adopted to take this challenge! Anyone can be an ally for the adoptee community!
Visit our ARD website to learn ways to get involved. www.adopteeremembranceday.com It is filled with valuable information, tools, and ideas on making a difference. Together, we can shine a light on the truth and ensure that adoptees' experiences are seen, heard, and honored.
Let's Get Real About Adoptee Remembrance Day and the “Choosing Pain” Narrative
It’s Your Turn To Spill The Adoptea!
Alright, let’s talk, adoptees and allies! Have you seen our new Adoptee Remembrance Day Conversation Challenge on Facebook yet? It's time to shake things up! What are your thoughts on this idea that adoptees are "choosing to stay in their pain"? Do you think that's fair, or do you see it as just another way to dismiss the more profound struggles adoptees face? And for those of you advocating for adoptees, what’s been your experience—how do you balance the challenging emotions with raising awareness? Let’s spark some dialogue! Drop your thoughts and reactions below. And don’t forget—how will you be getting involved for ARD? Let’s hear it!
Also, Our Playlist Update! Thank you to everyone who has contributed songs to our collective playlist—we’ve officially reached over 200 songs contributed by adoptees from around the world! Your music choices are helping us build something powerful, and it’s incredible to see how these tracks resonate with so many of us.
If you’re adopted and haven’t chimed in yet, keep the songs coming! Drop them below or on the thread on our Facebook. Let’s continue to add to this playlist and make it a true reflection of our shared experiences. Thank you again for your contributions! We will keep adding to this playlist up until 10/29!
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. It can be found here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
Here are a few articles that highlight the intersection of adoption, grief and loss I recommend reading:
The Essential Role of The Grief Recovery Method in The Adoption Constellation.
Still, Grieving Adoptee Losses, What My Adoptive Parents Could Have Done Differently.
Acknowledging Immeasurable Adoptee Grief, The Real Mother.
When Adoptees Know Loss Before We Know Love.
Bewildering Adoptee Grief on Infinite Repeat.
30 Things To Consider Before Adopting From An Adult Adoptee Perspective.
Adoptee Holiday Grief, The Gift That Keeps On Giving.
Adoption Hasn’t Touched Me. It’s Ruthlessly Kicked My Ass.
Adoption: Mislabeled, Medicated, & Diagnosed Adoptees Could Be Grieving Profoundly.
Adoption: Deconstructing Harmful Myths We've Learned About Adoptee Grief.
Grief From Adoption? Most People Think Of Death and Dying When They Think of Grief.
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