In Honor of Adoptee Remembrance Day - October 30th: Dear Adoptees, I Believe You Declaration
I believe in the depth of your pain, the complexity of your journey, and your right to share your truth. You deserve to be heard, supported, and validated in ways the world has yet to give you.
Dear Adoptees, I Believe You Declaration
When you say the pain of being separated from your birth mother is a primal wound that never fully heals, I believe you.
When you say that being told to be grateful for your adoption is suffocating, invalidating the immense loss you've endured, I believe you.
When the world tells you that you were "chosen," but all you feel is abandonment and rejection, I believe you.
When you look in the mirror and feel like a stranger, not knowing where you come from, I believe you.
When you speak of the trauma of not having access to your original birth certificate, as if your identity is locked away, I believe you.
When you say that the narrative of being "lucky" ignores the deep grief that weighs on your heart, I believe you.
When others diminish your feelings, telling you that adoption is beautiful while ignoring your pain, I believe you.
When you say you've been fighting for peace and healing, yet the world doesn't listen, I believe you.
When the lack of medical history leaves you vulnerable and scared, with no way to protect yourself, I believe you.
When you say that no amount of love or support can erase the loss of your first family, I believe you.
When you express that attachment isn't guaranteed, and that the bond with your adoptive family may never fully form, I believe you.
When the pain of being labeled as "angry" for expressing your truth is overwhelming, I believe you.
When you feel like a "throwaway," followed by a cloud of badness that haunts you, I believe you.
When you speak of the rage, the internal war, the feelings of not belonging anywhere, I believe you.
When you say that healing isn't a one-size-fits-all journey and roadblocks appear every step of the way, I believe you.
When others dismiss your trauma, telling you to just "move on" or "let it go," I believe you.
When you cry out for adoptee-competent therapists who truly understand your experience, I believe you.
When you share that adoption begins with loss, and until that's acknowledged, you cannot truly heal, I believe you.
When the Troubled Teen Industry swallows adoptees whole, and no one speaks up for those overpopulated in mental health facilities, jails, and prisons, I believe you.
When you say that adoption trauma and relinquishment trauma are two distinct, painful experiences, I believe you.
When you've been told to "think with your head and not your heart," silencing the depths of your pain, I believe you.
When the narrative of "choosing" self-love feels impossible because of the rejection you've endured, I believe you.
When others dismiss your struggles with self-love, when it feels like you're fighting against a force that began before you were even born, I believe you.
When you reveal that your pain is layered and complex and that no magic wand will fix it, I believe you.
When you share that adoption is rooted in secrets, corruption, and the stripping away of your identity, I believe you.
When you say you are tired of being told you're "lucky," when all you feel is a profound loss that no one acknowledges, I believe you.
When you speak of the unimaginable heartbreak and isolation that comes with being an adoptee, I believe you.
Dear Adoptees, We Need You
Your voice reveals the hidden layers of adoption, illuminating truths that are too often ignored. We need you.
You help the world understand the complexity of grief in adoption, reminding us that love cannot erase loss. We need you.
You remind us that your identity is not a privilege to be kept from you but a right you deserve to claim. We need you.
You highlight the importance of accessible, adoptee-competent mental health resources and challenge us to demand better. We need you.
You reveal the urgent need to end secrecy, to honor truth, and to give every adoptee access to their origins. We need you.
Your courage in sharing your experiences speaks to adoptees who feel alone and silenced. We need you.
You push for change in the Troubled Teen Industry, advocating for adoptees who are lost in systems meant to harm. We need you.
You fight against labels of "anger" and "bitterness," showing the world that anger is the voice of pain and injustice. We need you.
You challenge the narrative that gratitude should replace grief, bringing honesty to a sugar-coated adoption story. We need you.
You give other adoptees hope that their stories matter, that their feelings are real, and that healing is possible. We need you.
Your strength, even when no one seems to listen, is a beacon for adoptees fighting their own battles. We need you.
You remind us that adoption begins with loss, a truth we must face to create spaces of true healing. We need you.
You keep the conversation going when society wants to silence it, refusing to let the pain of adoption be swept away. We need you.
You reveal the importance of separating adoption trauma from relinquishment trauma, helping others see the fullness of what you've endured. We need you.
You demand adoptees be seen and understood, pushing against a world that has ignored your pain for too long. We need you.
You refuse to accept narratives that dismiss your trauma, inspiring others to own their truths as well. We need you.
You show us that healing is not a straight line, that it's okay to struggle, and that every path is different. We need you.
Your stories save lives, giving strength to adoptees who feel invisible, reminding them they are not alone. We need you.
Your bravery in speaking out contributes to the world, a force that moves us toward compassion and change. We need you.
Adoptees, we need you. Your voices are irreplaceable. Please don't ever give up.
Dear adoptees, I believe you.
I believe in the depth of your pain, the complexity of your journey, and your right to share your truth. You deserve to be heard, supported, and validated in ways the world has yet to give you.
And I will continue to believe you, always.
Imagine giving a fellow adoptee in your life a gift that says, “I believe you, I see you, and I honor your journey.”
This "I Believe You Declaration" gift is more than just words—it’s a love letter to every adoptee who has ever felt unseen, unheard, or misunderstood.
Crafted with deep care and compassion by Pamela A. Karanova, it’s a piece of support and validation that many of us never received but so profoundly needed. This declaration would be perfect to give for holidays, birthdays, or any day from adoptee to adoptee, or it would be a wonderful gift for anyone who knows and loves an adoptee.
Let this declaration be a powerful reminder of an adoptee’s strength, truth, and purpose. Imagine it on their wall—a gentle voice that acknowledges their complex path and embraces their whole story, just as it is. As the holidays approach, consider gifting something that reaches the heart and speaks to the soul of an adoptee. Give this declaration to the adoptee in your life, and let them know they are seen, believed, and endlessly loved.
Our community also has an exclusive True to Life Greeting Card collection, which can be found here.
View the entire collection at The Real Adoptea Moxie Emporium. Don’t forget, all orders are 21% off using code “TWENTYONE” at checkout. Why 21? I was 21 years old when I found and met my birth mother.
Today is Adoptee Remembrance Day- October 30th. Click here to learn ways to support and get involved! Light a candle and tune into our Adoptee Remembrance Day collective collaboration playlist throughout the way, which has over 250+ songs dedicated to adoptees worldwide. At noon EST, pause for 4 minutes of silence to honor and remember all the adoptees who are no longer with us. Post about ARD on your social media, and use hashtags #adopteeremembranceday #ard2024 and #adopteesweremember. Take care of yourself today. Love, Love.
It’s Your Turn, Share Your Adoptea Realitea
This Dear Adoptee, I Believe You Declaration is a heartfelt acknowledgment of the unique journeys adoptees navigate—journeys often filled with grief, loss, complexity, and pain. It validates our experiences in a world that overlooks them, reminding us that our emotions matter.
For my fellow adoptees, what has adoption meant to you, and are there moments when you felt your story was dismissed? We invite you to share your thoughts and feelings—whether through writing, art, or conversation—so we can foster a community where every voice is heard. How can we better support one another by embracing our narratives? What have you illuminated about your own journey on this Adoptee Remembrance Day - October 30th, 2024? Let’s create a safe space that honors our experiences and ensures every adoptee feels seen and valued. Drop your thoughts below.
I see you; I feel your pain for all the adoptees who feel forgotten, lost, and alone. Please don’t give up, and know you aren’t alone in feeling like you do.
I have compiled a list of recommended resources for adoptees and advocates. It can be found here: Recommended Resources for Adult Adoptees and Adoption Advocates.
Thank you for reading and for supporting me and my work.
Understanding is Love,
Pamela A. Karanova
Here are a few articles that highlight the intersection of adoption, grief and loss I recommend reading:
The Essential Role of The Grief Recovery Method in The Adoption Constellation.
Still, Grieving Adoptee Losses, What My Adoptive Parents Could Have Done Differently.
Acknowledging Immeasurable Adoptee Grief, The Real Mother.
When Adoptees Know Loss Before We Know Love.
Bewildering Adoptee Grief on Infinite Repeat.
30 Things To Consider Before Adopting From An Adult Adoptee Perspective.
Adoptee Holiday Grief, The Gift That Keeps On Giving.
Adoption Hasn’t Touched Me. It’s Ruthlessly Kicked My Ass.
Adoption: Mislabeled, Medicated, & Diagnosed Adoptees Could Be Grieving Profoundly.
Adoption: Deconstructing Harmful Myths We've Learned About Adoptee Grief.
Grief From Adoption? Most People Think Of Death and Dying When They Think of Grief.
Disclaimer:
If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, please take immediate steps to ensure your safety. Contact a licensed mental health professional or text #988 for immediate assistance.
The views and opinions expressed in this article and podcast are those of the author, Pamela A. Karanova. These articles are intended for educational and entertainment purposes only. Nothing shared on this platform should be considered psychological, medical, or legal advice. Reproduction of the material contained in this publication may be made only with the written permission of Pamela A. Karanova.
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I gave up my baby girl thirty eight years ago . I write about this in my book Whisper their names. The journey to grief after losing your child. I have thought of her and missed her everyday. I was fortunately able to find her and we communicate with photos and letters although we have never met. It was the hardest decision I ever made. Jennifer ( new member on Substack )
Thank you Pamela. This is beautiful and validating.